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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Facetiming and 50/50 custody

37 replies

Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 10:50

A scenario, would this feel intense to you? Im wondering if im my feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. Be kind please, im prepared to understand that i need to adjust myself. however I dont want to do that uneccassarily.

At DP house. He has 3 DC...i think the world of them. Youngest who is 8 has had trouble accepting me as is very close to her mum. Its like she really likes me then remembers she isnt to like me too much. her mum is unhappy that Im around. Despite her having an affair, ending the marriage and now living with DP. Ive been with DP for two years now.
For her birthday she received an ipod so she can facetime her dad and her mum anytime when at each others houses. Ive encouraged it. Think its lovely. The reality of facetiming whenever and wherever is has thrown me a bit.

So....at the weekend. youngest facetimed mum..(fab, cool) she was sat on the stairs. Knowing her mum gets upset about me, i hung back leaving the room so i didnt get caught on the camera (dont know why). 45 minutes later they were still on facetime but the youngest had since started moving about the house showing her mum things. Me and DP were having tea and she came in and put the camera in front of DP so mum and DP could sort out collection, drop off. DP pushed it away and said he would call the mum. He was pissed off. I looked at him and said this is weird isnt it and laughed. No response from him. I expected him to laugh a little and we could go ahead and say we need to figure this out so its not so uncomfortable next time. No response from him. He was just clearly annoyed...which made me annoyed.
I came home rather than staying as everything just felt weird.

The kids are back mid week and im getting anxious about going round. I want to be supportive but it all just felt very surreal and weird. This is something thats not going to go away. Its part of the family set up.
Am i unreasonable for feeling weird and intense and intrusive? Are these normal emotions i need to work through.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 18/05/2021 10:55

I don't get why you laughed? As you say, it is intrusive and I think how your DP reacted makes it clear he feels that way

TheWaif · 18/05/2021 10:57

It seems odd that you didn't speak to him about it afterwards.

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 10:58

User - it was an uncomfortable nervous laugh, trying to break the tension in the air sort of thing....

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2021 11:02

It’s just the novelty - it won’t be so constant long term. In the short term, it’s up to their dad to manage it if he doesn’t like it. I’d not get involved.

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 11:05

thewaif - I tried, but he was shut down and got defensive. He's a fab Dad and would do anything for his kids. When hes defensive about his kids...theres no benefit to carrying on a discussion at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 11:07

Hedda - makes sense...

whilst the novelty is still a novelty and im at the house. Do I stay out the way in case im on camera or am i being daft....

OP posts:
ConfusedAdultFemale · 18/05/2021 11:08

@HeddaGarbled wouldn’t be so sure of that! My DC FaceTime me and their father at respective homes and it’s an hour of being shown thing after thing after thing.

If it’s any consolation @OP neither me nor DC’s dad enjoy being shown around each other’s homes or randomly thrust in front of someone else to talk. It’s impossible to say to your child you don’t want to spend an hour being shown everything and anything, they take it as a rejection of their life at the other parents.

Lalliebelle · 18/05/2021 11:09

The strange facetime tension probably won't help the 8YO to feel ok about liking you etc. Next time you notice she's on FT, why not give a cheery 'oh hello Jill, hope you're well'.

Sirzy · 18/05/2021 11:10

Unless your walking around naked or something I would just get on with your day as usual

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 11:13

@ConfusedAdultFemale - makes sense..
Any advice on how i should handle it, is it alright to operate normally.. aka not worry if im in the background or if its ok to ask a question to youngest...i.e if Dad is on a business call and im sorting tea....id like ot beable to say ....come on and get some tea or would you like a drink etc... or do i wait?

I suppose what im trying ot find out....is what is the etiquette? lol

OP posts:
CharElizaaaa · 18/05/2021 11:14

You don’t need to please their mum, I understand you want to keep things sweet and respect the children having alone time on facetime with their mum but that’s your home, move around as you please and it’s tough tits if mum doesn’t like it! Like said above, the 8 year old will pick up on the tension and she might think you actually don’t like bio mum if you’re hiding away? Bio mums problems are not your problems.

LittleOwl153 · 18/05/2021 11:17

I think you have to carry on as you normally would and ignore the camera. That will be creating unnecessary tension.
Maybe dad needs to talk to the kid about appropriate camera use? We had a situation through lcokdown where my youngest would facetime my mum from his laptop often roping her in to help with schoolwork etc. But then he started wandering around with it and because my mum asked about his sister he took the laptop into the bathroom... she was in the shower!!! He's 6 he wasn't aware it would be an issue. We spoke to him about not including others on videocalls without asking them, making sure everyone in space appropriately dressed etc.

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 11:19

@lalliebelle - makes sense....and id love to that....the mum is just not ok with me though.

Wont look at me, wont acknowledge me if Im there. If i see her i wave or say hello but if looks could kill. Its like being back at school but it is what it is.

DP still gets messages from her saying that he's deserted her. As far as im aware and knowing the man he is that hasnt happened. He transfers a hefty amount monthly and pays for clubs etc has the kids as a minumum of 50/50 a little more with the eldest has rugby (he likes to take him and coahes at the club)
I think its when she's anxious about something or maybe if she's had a falling out with her partner.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 18/05/2021 11:20

In terms of speaking to her maybe you need to have a chat with dp about what he wants to do. Are you waiting around for her to finish or is a "come on teas ready say goodbye and come to the table" acceptable. I would not have that distraction at the table ... but others would. What does she do at her mums - does dad join the dinner table?

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 11:23

Can I just say i really appreciate all your posts.

My kids are older 19and 20. I dont use mumsnet much anymore, id forgot how supportive this site could be

Thanks guys

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 18/05/2021 11:29

@LittleOwl153 - yes i think your right! lol

How mortifying that the laptop was taken into the shower lol
I like that it can be used as a lesson re asking peoples permission before putting on facetime and apropriate places. This is the normal thing for that generation isnt really....they need to learn these things who ever theyre facetiming.

I was on a online meeting the other day and we all had a break....i didnt leave the meeting (just sat replying to emails). Neither did one other person who had also left the mike on. They must have gone to the loo off the kitchen and left the door open. I heard noises and looked back to the screen to see what was going on lol

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 18/05/2021 11:31

Could you both just give a wave and a hello then dh ask his daughter to chat to her mum in sitting room/ bedroom in a breezy voice

Guavafish · 18/05/2021 11:38

Don’t make it a thing.... just be normal and don’t hide.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 18/05/2021 11:41

I think she should have to facetime in her room and, if she wants to do it anywhere else, she should check it's OK with everyone else.

theleafandnotthetree · 18/05/2021 11:48

Not quite the same thing but when my ex and I first seperated, it got a bit out of hand the amount of time my daughter spent on the phone and occasionally on WhatsApp video to the extent that it interfered with her time with me and her brother in my home. I actually had it written into the seperation agreement that it be maximum 30 minutes. That might sound harsh but this was not about my daughters needs, I could hear how he went on and on and encouraged her to stay on to meet HIS needs and of course as a FU to me. Ironically, he was spending more time talking to her the evenings she was with me than he ever had when we lived together. But taking him out of it, I had no problem putting boundaries on my daughter either (who was only 5 at the time) and I would ask her to take the call in X room or ask her not to come into the bedroom or bathroom if I was in there and I did ask her to wind up calls several times. Written down, it probably sounds harsh but this was all done and said in a bright, warm way not harshly at all.

theleafandnotthetree · 18/05/2021 11:50

[quote Wheelyyyy]@LittleOwl153 - yes i think your right! lol

How mortifying that the laptop was taken into the shower lol
I like that it can be used as a lesson re asking peoples permission before putting on facetime and apropriate places. This is the normal thing for that generation isnt really....they need to learn these things who ever theyre facetiming.

I was on a online meeting the other day and we all had a break....i didnt leave the meeting (just sat replying to emails). Neither did one other person who had also left the mike on. They must have gone to the loo off the kitchen and left the door open. I heard noises and looked back to the screen to see what was going on lol[/quote]
I agree with you, there is an etiquette to these things that should be modelled, taught and followed regardless of the people involved or their ages. But then, boundaries are not something many people are good at

BungleandGeorge · 18/05/2021 11:50

I think Dad needs to talk to her about appropriate fa time use. I think most of us have had that discussion! Whether it’s friends or her mum she’s talking to it’s very intrusive for her to be trailing round the house with it.

Notcrackersyet · 18/05/2021 12:01

My DSD’s mum is equally hostile to me. FaceTiming doesn’t happen here but if that started I might make sure to walk past in the background a few times each time as no doubt that that would cause mum to encourage her daughter to find somewhere private to call from.

mummumumumumumumumumum · 18/05/2021 12:13

My DP and I don't like the kids walking around on facetime in our house bacause we find it really intrusive. I may want to sit around all day with no bra on and my hair a mess but its my house and its fine, when my DD is walking around with her phone all day its like constantly having a visitor that I don't know about. Its uncomfortable so I think you are right and I understand your feelings.

ThatIsMyPotato · 18/05/2021 12:14

DSC are only allowed to face time their mum in their room and OH likes them to just let him know before they do. Not so he can stop them but so he knows to hold back on singing!