Facetiming and 50/50 custody

[Wheelyyyy]

A scenario, would this feel intense to you? Im wondering if im my feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. Be kind please, im prepared to understand that i need to adjust myself. however I dont want to do that uneccassarily.

At DP house. He has 3 DC...i think the world of them. Youngest who is 8 has had trouble accepting me as is very close to her mum. Its like she really likes me then remembers she isnt to like me too much. her mum is unhappy that Im around. Despite her having an affair, ending the marriage and now living with DP. Ive been with DP for two years now.
For her birthday she received an ipod so she can facetime her dad and her mum anytime when at each others houses. Ive encouraged it. Think its lovely. The reality of facetiming whenever and wherever is has thrown me a bit.

So....at the weekend. youngest facetimed mum..(fab, cool) she was sat on the stairs. Knowing her mum gets upset about me, i hung back leaving the room so i didnt get caught on the camera (dont know why). 45 minutes later they were still on facetime but the youngest had since started moving about the house showing her mum things. Me and DP were having tea and she came in and put the camera in front of DP so mum and DP could sort out collection, drop off. DP pushed it away and said he would call the mum. He was pissed off. I looked at him and said this is weird isnt it and laughed. No response from him. I expected him to laugh a little and we could go ahead and say we need to figure this out so its not so uncomfortable next time. No response from him. He was just clearly annoyed...which made me annoyed.
I came home rather than staying as everything just felt weird.

The kids are back mid week and im getting anxious about going round. I want to be supportive but it all just felt very surreal and weird. This is something thats not going to go away. Its part of the family set up.
Am i unreasonable for feeling weird and intense and intrusive? Are these normal emotions i need to work through.

But their mum hasn't even wanted to meet me so there's no way I'd be happy a stranger looking at the rest of the house.

@Wheelyyyy the way me and ex work it is a quick “hi” if the camera is thrust in front of us then telling whatever DC currently has the phone to talk to their parent. I used to hide in my bedroom while they were on the phone but 5 years down the line we both tend to get on with life, I’ll avoid doing the hoovering if they’re on the phone but if we see each other walk past the camera it’s not a big deal anymore (though I think we both used to get very self conscious about it, and wonder if our convos were being listened in on). But we also introduced a specific time for facetimes too, cause it can feel rather intrusive from both sides when there’s multiple calls a day (and it feels cruel saying to your DC you don’t want to call them for the fifth blooming time that day ). For us it’s in the evenings between 6-7, even on weekends. Works well for us, and means I can at least have the place looking tidy before they go shoving the camera everywhere (including in the fridge, cause the fridge is apparently a good place to show off!)

Though I’d like to point out that this is what works well for me and ex, who know each other and are semi friendly. It’s not something you need to accept if you neither know your partners ex or if it makes you feel uncomfortable. If that’s the case a strict “phone calls in the bedroom only” might be worth implementing

[quote ConfusedAdultFemale]@Wheelyyyy the way me and ex work it is a quick “hi” if the camera is thrust in front of us then telling whatever DC currently has the phone to talk to their parent. I used to hide in my bedroom while they were on the phone but 5 years down the line we both tend to get on with life, I’ll avoid doing the hoovering if they’re on the phone but if we see each other walk past the camera it’s not a big deal anymore (though I think we both used to get very self conscious about it, and wonder if our convos were being listened in on). But we also introduced a specific time for facetimes too, cause it can feel rather intrusive from both sides when there’s multiple calls a day (and it feels cruel saying to your DC you don’t want to call them for the fifth blooming time that day ). For us it’s in the evenings between 6-7, even on weekends. Works well for us, and means I can at least have the place looking tidy before they go shoving the camera everywhere (including in the fridge, cause the fridge is apparently a good place to show off!)[/quote]
We too have a rough time, usually 7 or so in the evening even though there's good flexibility with it. I think it's good to have a framework within which to work so there's good connection but also good boundaries

My DSD was like this when she first got a phone; definitely don’t hide away from the camera! I found it intrusive and I did ask DH not to let DSD show her mum our bedroom ad that felt too much. The novelty wore off quite quickly though

First of all, his ex is a CF to act like the deserted one when she was the one who had affair.

But it sounds like DP had already dealt with the facetime thing by telling DD he would call her mum later.

I think as you don't live with them, it's probably best to leave DH to deal with it as he sees fit. If his dd starts trying to get you on camera / taking pics of you / talking about you, then it's time to speak to DH and say how uncomfortable it makes you,

Do you stay over?

So glad its not just me lol!!

Ilive the comment sbout the fridge being a source to show off haha

Advice and experience from you all is gold dust thank you. Ill be using it!!

Young children face timing whenever they feel like it for as long as they want. Nope, not for me !

These Facetime calls really shouldn't be so long or intrusive that they're messing up the schedule at the other parent's house. For example, your question re if you've made tea, is it OK to say to the children "come and get your tea".....they shouldn't be Facetiming at that time if it's too close to dinner.

My DP's kids sometimes Facetime their mum when they are here for longer than the weekend, but it's normally about 10/15 mins where they tell her what they've been up and what we've got planned. They would never do a 45 min call with her and definitely not when they should be eating dinner. My DP is also very mindful of this when he calls the kids at hers.

It's difficult as there's not much you can do, especially if your DP won't engage in conversation about it, but if I were him I'd be discussing the length and time of calls with their mum. And it goes both ways - they both need to be respectful of the other's time with the children.

@Bibidy

These Facetime calls really shouldn't be so long or intrusive that they're messing up the schedule at the other parent's house. For example, your question re if you've made tea, is it OK to say to the children "come and get your tea".....they shouldn't be Facetiming at that time if it's too close to dinner.

My DP's kids sometimes Facetime their mum when they are here for longer than the weekend, but it's normally about 10/15 mins where they tell her what they've been up and what we've got planned. They would never do a 45 min call with her and definitely not when they should be eating dinner. My DP is also very mindful of this when he calls the kids at hers.

It's difficult as there's not much you can do, especially if your DP won't engage in conversation about it, but if I were him I'd be discussing the length and time of calls with their mum. And it goes both ways - they both need to be respectful of the other's time with the children.

Agree completely. I know when children have to contend with the intricacies of a situation which is not of their making that allowances have to be made. But there has to also be respect for each others time, schedules, privacy etc. (Parents and children).

I know when children have to contend with the intricacies of a situation which is not of their making that allowances have to be made. But there has to also be respect for each others time, schedules, privacy etc. (Parents and children).

Yep, totally agree. Children should be able to call/facetime their other parent if they want to, but not whenever they want and not for excessive amounts of time if it's impacting on their time/the schedule in the other household.

Both parents should be so mindful of this, and I've even mentioned it to my own DP as I feel like his calls to the children are sometimes poorly timed - like when they are about to rush out the door for a hobby or school, or their dinner is coming out of the oven.

I'd also wonder in OP's case whether mum is purposely trying to insert herself into the picture with this excessively long calls as she's not comfortable with her ex having a new partner.

@Bibidy

I know when children have to contend with the intricacies of a situation which is not of their making that allowances have to be made. But there has to also be respect for each others time, schedules, privacy etc. (Parents and children).

Yep, totally agree. Children should be able to call/facetime their other parent if they want to, but not whenever they want and not for excessive amounts of time if it's impacting on their time/the schedule in the other household.

Both parents should be so mindful of this, and I've even mentioned it to my own DP as I feel like his calls to the children are sometimes poorly timed - like when they are about to rush out the door for a hobby or school, or their dinner is coming out of the oven.

I'd also wonder in OP's case whether mum is purposely trying to insert herself into the picture with this excessively long calls as she's not comfortable with her ex having a new partner.

As per your last paragraph, my ex husband in the early days certainly tried to insert himself into the picture, not because I had a new partner, but to annoy me. And also as part of his 'I'm such a better parent, behold how I have the patience to hear them whittering on for so much longer than you' act.