Aibu

[Mcl21]

Hey 1st time posting on here but I feel like I am going mad. I've been with my partner 3 year now have a lo together. When we 1st moved in together 3 year ago we talked about a joint bank account. My wage was substantially higher than his, but during pregnancy I was quite poorly but it worked out in his favour as he was fighting the courts for his DD and allowed us to have access. The days and times meant that I woukd have to change my hours when returning from mat leave. My employer couldn't accommodate my hours so I left and got a part time job closer to home with a massive pay cut doing a job I hated but meant we had childcare for my LO (my parents)and I could collect his DD on contact days. I have just started a new job, whilst it is working from home it is full time and not doable with a 2 year old running around so we have put her in nursery. So my dilemma now is he has his wage he pays rent and phones, whilst my wage I pay everything else now including nursery fees, which leaves me with absolutely nothing each month. Now the past few months we have been arguing a lot about money as he keeps buying things for himself month after month whilst me and the kids have nothing. When he gets paid he gives me £100 for shopping but this month he gave me £200 as we needed a bit.more. we have just had a blazing row as he has just spent £150 on himself without him even asking if the kids need any and God forbid me. He has basically fired back that he works damn hard and I am being unreasonable and unfair on him as he provides for the family. I have suggested that we open a joint account again and once everything is paid we split whats left 50/50 - to be told I am controlling and he doesn't trust me to be in control of him money. Aibu to suggest this?

You are definitely not being unreasonable and he sounds very immature.

It's simple budgeting. You need to work out your outgoings and make sure there is enough in the joint account to cover it plus a bit to build up for emergencies. This should include things the kids need. Whatever he has leftover he can spend on himself if he wants. Odd he thinks you're providing for you when you are paying one of the biggest outgoings yourself and clearly don't have enough money left over to buy things the kids need! My ex was really reluctant to get a joint account and turned out he was abusive which included financially (getting me to pay for everything). I would be suspicious if he continues to be reluctant - this way is just more practical (and fair!).

Thanks for you reply. He does seem to have regressed to the petulant child stage. You wouldn't think he was in his 40's.

He still isn't budging on the joint account as is quite happy makingbus suffer. Even his ex gets more in csa than I get which hit a nerve when I pointed this out I pointed out she must clearly mean more than us.

I'm sorry, you left your high paying job to do pick up for his child?

@myfuckingfreezer

I'm sorry, you left your high paying job to do pick up for his child?

I did due to problems with his ex it was the only way we could see his DD - and despite me not liking the job I feel I have well and truly been taken for a mug. My new jobs salary is higher than that and is on par with my partners (more without his bonus) yet I'm out of pocket every month as half of my salary goes on childcare! I'm stuck - I cant even leave as I couldn't afford to live on just my salary and with nursery fees etc there isn't enough in my pot

Was that successful, him getting more child contact time awarded by the court because you were ill (do you mean therefore off work!?) and then changed your hours?

Because I would be really fucking pissed off as a mother if I lost contact time with my child to another woman, not the child’s father.

I am a stepmother, my children have a lovely stepmother. I am not anti stepmother. I am anti men getting other women to look after their kids (and no doubt reduce maintenance).

I think the writing was on the walk with that entitled shit that your boyfriend was a selfish arse, back then. No surprise you’re seeing more of the same now.

Increase your hours. Go full time. Let him look after his own child.

@Mcl21

Thanks for you reply. He does seem to have regressed to the petulant child stage. You wouldn't think he was in his 40's.

He still isn't budging on the joint account as is quite happy makingbus suffer. Even his ex gets more in csa than I get which hit a nerve when I pointed this out I pointed out she must clearly mean more than us.

Well that’s just bollocks. Her CMS award is a legal calculation and nothing to do with how much either of you “mean” to him. Emotive crap like that won’t help you.

Who knows who means more to him - you or the ex. Tell you what though - you both mean less to him than his own selfish wants.

I am 🧐 at “problem ex” though. You don’t think that selfish petulant child in his 40s might be the common dominator here?

I'm out of pocket every month as half of my salary goes on childcare!
So he doesn’t even pay for childcare for his own child? Christ what catch. You need to rectify this for a start.

He’s a dick and you need to rethink the relationship. I can see why his ex didn’t want him.

@Cocomarine

Was that successful, him getting more child contact time awarded by the court because you were ill (do you mean therefore off work!?) and then changed your hours?

Because I would be really fucking pissed off as a mother if I lost contact time with my child to another woman, not the child’s father.

I am a stepmother, my children have a lovely stepmother. I am not anti stepmother. I am anti men getting other women to look after their kids (and no doubt reduce maintenance).

I think the writing was on the walk with that entitled shit that your boyfriend was a selfish arse, back then. No surprise you’re seeing more of the same now.

Increase your hours. Go full time. Let him look after his own child.

He was awarded contact - but because of his pyscho ex she wouldn't allow any contact if he collected the child had to be someone else (therefore me) she agreed to this. So I collect from mum after school and drop off with mum (on weekends and school holidays) I have her 2 hours before he gets home from work and he drops off at school.

I have increased my hours to full time but they are flexible so I can still collect his child meaning I work 2 12 hour days so I can finish early on contact days.

I would back off on the misogynistic “psycho ex” crap.
Enough men denigrating women without other women joining in.
She’s not denying contact if she’s happy for you to be involved.
Just maybe, you’re starting to see why she doesn’t want to be around him?

@Cocomarine

I would back off on the misogynistic “psycho ex” crap. Enough men denigrating women without other women joining in. She’s not denying contact if she’s happy for you to be involved. Just maybe, you’re starting to see why she doesn’t want to be around him?

It isn't crap of it is true though is it???? I have witnessed 1st hand her craziness and lies. She is denying contact and is far from happy for me to be involved but fortunately for us her social worker and the judge isn't falling for her crap and actually thinking about what is best for the child - having contact with father and other siblings. The only thing she has a say in is who picks her up or faces the child being removed from her care if she stops any further contact.

As much as I do not agree with what my partner is doing to me and how he treating me he bloody well damn deserves to have a relationship with his child! And so does the child have a right to a relationship with him.

So do you pay for nursery for his child? And you left a better paying job for his child? And now he denies you money?
You need to at least stop paying for anything to do with his daughter, it's his responsibility.

@Rmka

So do you pay for nursery for his child? And you left a better paying job for his child? And now he denies you money? You need to at least stop paying for anything to do with his daughter, it's his responsibility.

I pay the nursery fees for our child (2year old) I don't pay for childcare for his child (4 year old) well apart from clothes she has outgrown despite pointing out she needed stuff but he got himself a laptop so it's all good 😡

I pay for the car that he uses to get to work, the insurance, all other household bills, now the nursery so I can work - and for what?

What a catch he is. Not.

Well don't pay for his car and charge him child care fees for looking after his child as a start

Oh it's always the psycho ex's fault until he does it too you!

He's taken you for a mug.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Oh it's always the psycho ex's fault until he does it too you!

Aye. Which he already is. You pay for his child’s clothes. What a mug 🙄

Although, tbf - why should he pay for clothes for his (not your joint) child? Surely that’s what the CMS he gives the Psych Ex 🙄 is for?

🤣🤣🤣

You’ve been had.

What was it - one year together before deciding to have a child?

Honestly, get rid. And if you don’t do that, at least stop paying towards his share of the bills.

Why are you paying all this? The nursery costs are his as much as yours.

Stop covering his bills. Stop doing his pick ups. His contact and relationship with his ex are just issue to deal with. I can't believe you totally changed your working (and reduced your earning power) to facilitate his contact.

Could you go back to a job like your old one?

As much as I do not agree with what my partner is doing to me and how he treating me he bloody well damn deserves to have a relationship with his child! And so does the child have a right to a relationship with him.

Yes. But it's not your responsibility to ensure this.

The child has two parents, and apparently court/SS involvement. You don't have to be the one enduring your partner sees his kids.

He's played a blinder here getting you to take all the risk and responsibility. And to pay for his car etc too.

Why are you going this? Surely you'd be better off if you just had your own bills to pay (plus he'd owe you maintenance too).

@FishyFriday

Why are you paying all this? The nursery costs are his as much as yours.

Stop covering his bills. Stop doing his pick ups. His contact and relationship with his ex are just issue to deal with. I can't believe you totally changed your working (and reduced your earning power) to facilitate his contact.

Could you go back to a job like your old one?

My current job is better than the one I left, but if I dont pay nursery I cant work as I need childcare. If I dont pick his child up we can't have contact.

They are household bills gas, electric, insurance council tax,car etc so pretty much a necessessity and all in my name.

@FishyFriday

As much as I do not agree with what my partner is doing to me and how he treating me he bloody well damn deserves to have a relationship with his child! And so does the child have a right to a relationship with him.

Yes. But it's not your responsibility to ensure this.

The child has two parents, and apparently court/SS involvement. You don't have to be the one enduring your partner sees his kids.

He's played a blinder here getting you to take all the risk and responsibility. And to pay for his car etc too.

Why are you going this? Surely you'd be better off if you just had your own bills to pay (plus he'd owe you maintenance too).

We are supposed to be a family and that little one means as much to me as my own.

It's my car! I pay for it all he just uses it for work.

I couldn't pay everything on my salary - he pays the rent and mobiles and maintenance wouldn't even come close

Nursery is also a household bill. You need to stop making excuses for him. If you won't have a joint pot then you need to split all the household bills 50/50, 60/40 or what ever %age works with your wage.