Aibu

[Mcl21]

Hey 1st time posting on here but I feel like I am going mad. I've been with my partner 3 year now have a lo together. When we 1st moved in together 3 year ago we talked about a joint bank account. My wage was substantially higher than his, but during pregnancy I was quite poorly but it worked out in his favour as he was fighting the courts for his DD and allowed us to have access. The days and times meant that I woukd have to change my hours when returning from mat leave. My employer couldn't accommodate my hours so I left and got a part time job closer to home with a massive pay cut doing a job I hated but meant we had childcare for my LO (my parents)and I could collect his DD on contact days. I have just started a new job, whilst it is working from home it is full time and not doable with a 2 year old running around so we have put her in nursery. So my dilemma now is he has his wage he pays rent and phones, whilst my wage I pay everything else now including nursery fees, which leaves me with absolutely nothing each month. Now the past few months we have been arguing a lot about money as he keeps buying things for himself month after month whilst me and the kids have nothing. When he gets paid he gives me £100 for shopping but this month he gave me £200 as we needed a bit.more. we have just had a blazing row as he has just spent £150 on himself without him even asking if the kids need any and God forbid me. He has basically fired back that he works damn hard and I am being unreasonable and unfair on him as he provides for the family. I have suggested that we open a joint account again and once everything is paid we split whats left 50/50 - to be told I am controlling and he doesn't trust me to be in control of him money. Aibu to suggest this?

Is your rent quite high? Potentially it could be a HUGE chunk of a persons wage?

We both work full time hours. He earns a lot more than I do (I've only just returned to work after a 15yr hiatus) so he pays the joint mortgage and bills and transfers £600 per month into my account to pay for groceries or if the kids need the odd thing. We have savings which is predominantly him contributing to and he still asks if I or the kids need anything major when he gets paid.

My wages cover my bills (phone, car, dog) and the rest goes on family stuff or into a separate holiday fund savings account. He pretty much never spends on himself. It's usually home improvement stuff which benefits all of us (once he finishes the job lol)

Neither of us spend big money on clothes or alcohol or anything really anymore. I think we might be old

Based on ages, it looks like he left her with a baby to shack up with you and got you pregnant within a matter of months. Neither you nor him look good. Why the desperate need to rush into things? He couldn't have cared much about his existing child

I think he sounds like a dickhead at "psycho" ex probably isn't a psycho at all. He has just told you she is in order to absolve himself of any responsibility or blame.

He is also keeping you short of money while spending what he likes on himself. Very bad idea to tie your finances closely to his. So I wouldn't keep pushing the joint account idea. Joint accounts can be another way for someone else to scrutinise and control someone else.

This really shouldn’t be difficult. You don’t need a joint bank account to make this fair.

Add up your income and his income. Deduct all bills, including mortgage, child care for your shared child and children’s clothes (but not eg cost of hobbies, which should be picked up individually). Left over is split equally between the two of you for whatever you want to spend it on.

You have taken a significant hit to look after his child. There is no way you should have less to spend after bills than him. It shouldn’t even be open to discussion. If he doesn’t agree, you stop pick ups for his child immediately. And probably contemplate leaving him. He’s showing you how he values you. Do not let him treat you this way.

Bloody hell he saw you coming didn't he?
So you provide childcare and share the costs of a life he couldn't afford without you including regular treats for himself. You even lay on a car for him to cruise around in!

Tell him you want a separation and you are putting in your own CSA claim (would that mean you would be better off:?).

@honeylulu

Bloody hell he saw you coming didn't he? So you provide childcare and share the costs of a life he couldn't afford without you including regular treats for himself. You even lay on a car for him to cruise around in!

Tell him you want a separation and you are putting in your own CSA claim (would that mean you would be better off:?).

Exactly.

Honestly, you've taken on all the responsibility here and seem to just get the crap too.

I just don't believe that the 'psycho' ex is allowed to tell him he can't pick the children up but she's decided you can do it. If a judge/SS have decided that he isn't supposed to come into contact with his ex, then I'd be asking very pointed questions about why that would be. If it's just the ex being a dick, the courts would have told her to stop it and made a child arrangements order. Or maybe he's just a chancer whose spotted that he can get you to do it all because you care about whether he has contact or not.

Well i give it a year before he has a new girlfriend calling you the psycho ex.

Obviously he owes half of childcare. Obviously you know that. So what are you going to do about it?

And if he isn't adjusting his hours or job to see his child during that time then it sounds like he fought for it for it to spite the ex, look like a "good guy" and pay less maintenance, all while doing fuck all to actually spend the time with her.

His child needs to come first over his job. HIS JOB. NOT YOURS.

You can play the 'we are a team' card as much as you like but he certainly isnt acting like it is he. Take take take.