Whose fault is this? (Things going missing edition) CORRECTED

[OscarGotTheBlame]

Who is being unreasonable here? I'll try to keep it short and neutral.

Pair of trousers left on the bedroom floor with receipts in the back pocket. Four weeks or so later, those trousers turn up cleaned on the clothes airer without the receipts. Noone knows where receipts have gone so assumed that the cleaner must have emptied the pockets and thrown them away (very unlike her, but only real explanation).

Washing is usually Partner 1's household job (as agreed between Partner 1 and Partner 2 as a trade of chores) but cleaner has started to throw in a load or two when she's here too.

Who is responsible for the missing receipts (excluding the poor cleaner!)?

Partner 2 (for leaving trousers and receipts in the floor in their own home) or Partner 1 (because laundry is Partner 1's job and therefore they are responsible when something like this happens since their delegating part of it to someone else)?

YES: Partner 1 (laundry delegator) is at fault

NO: Partner 2 (trouser leaver is at fault)

Well, that seems pretty unanimous!

We had a filthy row about it, with my position being that this is the latest time he is seeking to blame everyone but himself for something going wrong (which I would personally blame myself for or just chalk up to one of those annoying things). His position is as stated in the OP or, more lately, that he doesn't believe the cleaner would have done this, so it must be me, and that my tidying in general involves hiding his things and then denying all knowledge. Moreover, he says that he has the right to leave things where he likes without them being moved because it's his house too.

Being scrupulously fair, I sometimes do tidy things from the kitchen counter or dining table and forget that I've done so (as does he) and I appreciate that that can be very annoying. But I thought this was a particularly egregious example of swerving personal responsibility (which is what he is now accusing me of doing ) as even if it had been me - which it was not - I would say that, at best, this would be shared responsibility!

For those asking why were wasting time assigning blame, I asked the same thing myself. Apparently it's because it's not ok and can't happen again...

Obviously there is quite a lot of back story here but it's really upset me and I honestly wanted to know if I was being blinkered and failing to make allowance for his perspective. I'd almost prefer that because it's horrible to feel that the only way to end an argument is to give in and accept something unjust and worrying that something similar may happen again.

If the receipts are important, then the trouser wearer should have taken them out of the pocket and put them somewhere safe, rather than leaving them in a pair of trousers on the floor.

Someone who leaves receipts in the pockets of discarded clothes can’t really expect that whoever’s doing the laundry will (a) check all pockets and (b) know that any receipts in the pocket are important.

And leave the cleaner out of it, if she’s being asked to wash clothes then both partners should be checking pockets for stray receipts etc before the clothes go in a laundry basket.

he says that he has the right to leave things where he likes without them being moved because it's his house too

Yes but his actions impact others in the house, he doesn't live alone and he shares a room with you.

My children put all their washing into the laundry baskets that aren't even in their rooms, we have communal ones so blacks in one, whites in another etc.

He is completely in the wrong.

I do all the laundry in this house, if it isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed. I am not going to pick up clothes off the floor. And yes, I have teenage sons whose bedroom floors are clear.

Cross posted!

I think your partner’s being unreasonable about this.

And as for ”Moreover, he says that he has the right to leave things where he likes without them being moved because it's his house too.” - clearly, there’s limits to this!
Things put in a sensible place out of the way, fine, he’s got a point.
Something like trousers left on the bedroom floor? Does he expect everyone else to be stepping over his dirty laundry indefinitely? Is the cleaner supposed to be vacuuming around his trousers until he’s moved them? Expecting no one else to move his things is not a reasonable stance in that sort of scenario.

Did he spend four weeks looking for the missing receipts or only realise they were gone when clean trousers turned up?

Just tell him to do his own laundry from now on

Sorry but no grown adult needs to be reminded to empty the pockets of their dirty laundry, nor to put said laundry in a hamper.

I actually have the ick at what a child he is. Ew

Also it’s 2021? Digital receipts exist.

If he’s going to be that complacent, at least enter the digital world and have a failsafe. What a loser

I don’t understand the yes/no options and which button they correspond to so haven’t voted.

Whichever lazy git left they belongings on the floor for someone else to deal with when they knew there was something important in the pockets is responsible.

Maybe if he hadn't left his trousers in a heap on the floor I would have more sympathy, but that's just bloody selfish. He's pulling out the "I can leave things where I want, they shouldn't be touched argument" now something has gone missing, but I'm sure he left them discarded there knowing full well that someone else would pick up his mess and deal with it. If the receipts were important he shouldn't have left them shoved in a pocket of trousers in a heap on the floor.

Failing to chalk this up to one of those unfortunate things, and arguing and assigning blame, and being unable to take any responsibility for his part in this is a total dick move, and I imagine there is quite the back story. He's being a knob

I think when you don't take full responsibility for something yourself - in this case your partner doesn't do his own laundry - then you need to be more concious of where you leave things. It actually doesn't matter whether it was the cleaner who loaded the machine or you. If he always put all his laundry in the baskets and these trousers were specifically set aside and didn't look like laundry left lying around with his usual laundry then maybe he has a point but it doesn't sound that way to me. He's just looking for someone else to blame for his laziness either that or he is looking to blame the cleaner and stop them doing part of the laundry so you do your full allotted chore....

What were the trousers doing in the intervening four weeks?

My husband knows that if something is dumped on the bathroom floor or on my side of the bedroom, it's going in the wash. I don't pick up anything from his side of the room. I do check for tissues though.

If the cleaner put them in the wash and binned the receipts, it is not the fault of person 1 OR person 2. I would talk to the cleaner and ask that either she ONLY puts sheets in the wash, or doesn't touch laundry at all.

I'd be afraid of my cashmere jumper being put in a normal wash. An over-zealous au pair put my silk dressing gown (that was eyewateringly expensive as a treat) and a silk Alexander McQueen scarf in a cotton wash once (WHYYY?????? Like literally the only two nice things I owned at the time and the dressing gown dyed everything else in the wash pink) and I've never recovered.

Ah, but were these receipts ever in the pocket ???? because there is no guarantee this is where he left them as he is a lazy, disorganised slob, teenager.

Do not ever wash his clothes again, his steaming pile of abandoned clothing, can be hurled in a black bag in the bottom of his cupboard.
Not your problem.

@Tommika According to him he knew that the receipts were in the pocket and that the trousers were on the floor next to the bed so chose to leave them there so he knew exactly where they were when he had time to deal with them.

It was only this weekend (three weeks later, not four - my mistake) when he went to look for them that he realised the trousers weren't there and only when he found the trousers hanging on the clothes airer that he realised the receipts had gone and asked me if I knew where they were. (Spoiler: I did not!)

Person who left trousers on the floor, obviously.

You can’t just leave receipts in your pockets on the floor and expect them to still be there weeks later! If they’re important, make sure you put them away somewhere.

[quote OscarGotTheBlame]@Tommika According to him he knew that the receipts were in the pocket and that the trousers were on the floor next to the bed so chose to leave them there so he knew exactly where they were when he had time to deal with them.

It was only this weekend (three weeks later, not four - my mistake) when he went to look for them that he realised the trousers weren't there and only when he found the trousers hanging on the clothes airer that he realised the receipts had gone and asked me if I knew where they were. (Spoiler: I did not!)[/quote]
So if he leaves clothes on the floor, he wants them left there for at least 3 weeks because he has the right to leave things where he likes without them being moved and he might have left important things in them???

You don’t say whether leaving clothes on the floor is normal for him, but I can’t help wondering how he’d react if any clothes he’d left on the floor really did remain unwashed indefinitely?
Would he be thinking “Great, these clothes i last wore weeks ago are still here, no one’s moved them”, or would he think “why hasn’t OP washed these yet? I haven’t worn them in weeks, I’m running out of clean trousers and the laundry is her job”

I'm a fairly messy person (formerly a very messy person) but I don't understand people who dump clothes on the floor, I just don't.

Expecting them then to be left there indefinitely is bonkers 🤨

He is completely and unarguably BU.

@SixDegrees That's a good question. Yes it is normal for him to leave clothes by his side of the bed and yes, I and our lovely cleaner have frequently picked them and washed them, so this is not a surprise.

If I left them there and didn't wash them... honestly, I think he probably would get to a point of no clean clothes and huff about it to a greater or lesser extent depending on his mood but probably wouldn't quite have the cheek to blame me for not picking up after him!

We've essentially left it as I will not touch or move any of his things when I tidy up and specifically ask if he can move things I want moved. I honestly don't know what else I can do because am I always going to be able to give a forensic account of whether I've touched something and when if it was in a random place (especially if required to prove a negative)? No.

The best I can do is be able to say point blank that I don't touch any of his stuff any more so whatever has gone missing can't possibly be me.

Honestly, I think various external factors have just contributed to him being in an on-and-off foul and unreasonable temper over the past 9 months or so, and he sort of knows it and that he needs to do something about it, but in the moment or when it comes to a specific topic, he doesn't really seem to be able to apply that knowledge and think, "maybe it's not her, it's me...?"

He's a twat.

HTH

Seriously time to let him run out of clothes. Just heap them in a corner my his bed/in a box there or something.

I am the untidy losing things one. my DH has thrown out some very special items that have caused upset as part of tidying up/chucking out because he is crap and not asking me what is this for etc. He threw out my childhood doll because it looked tatty thinking it belonged to the DC.

I am still with you on this. I may have had to apologise for blaming DH on more than one occasion so I have learned to ask for help and no more blame game.

It's only now my DC us being diagnosed that we reason I have ADD/ADHD.

Everything important like keys and receipts have had a place for a long long time.

My floordrobe has a discreet location, rest of the house is free from my clutter because I'm an adult. Bloody kills me though.

Tell the lazy fucker to pick his clothes up off the floor and either put them in the laundry basket (AFTER emptying his pockets of all his crap) OR put them away.

Unless he's a 14 year old teenager, there's no need to be so embarassingly juvenile as to have a floordrobe.

Coming back to this again, I still hold my original opinion that the receipts were never in the trousers in the first place.

Bet they're in a different pair, a jacket pocket or somewhere like on the top of the microwave/the bottom of the clothes pile.

And tough fucking shit if he's lost them. No sympathy whatsoever.

Dump his stuff in one box by the side of the bed then he can ferret around in it and do his own laundry. Put everything of his in, empty wrappers the lot!

Partner 2 sounds like a lazy shit. Leaving clothes on the floor?!? Really?

Not emptying their own pockets then blaming the person who actually bothers picking up their clothes and washing them?

Just leave their clothes on the floor until they get the message.