AIBU skint friends

[jaffacakesarebiscuitsx]

I'm usually uncomfortable when a friend mentions their lack of money during a conversation. I do not lend money as a habit due to bad past experiences and this in turn makes me feel awkward when lack of money and money issues are brought up.
The only options (that I don't like either) could be that I see that I can do is:
• Giving her some advice, but it feels like condescending or patronizing. I'm not in her shoes, so advice that would apply to my life would be easy talk.
• Changing topic, but it feels like I don't care and maybe rude.
• Remaining silent, and waiting her to say something else, that seems awkward.

Does anyone know what the social correct thing to do is please? It's hard as well as it's not always mentioned in person sometimes via text and I just sit not knowing what to really reply.

@jaffacakesarebiscuitsx

I'm usually uncomfortable when a friend mentions their lack of money during a conversation. I do not lend money as a habit due to bad past experiences and this in turn makes me feel awkward when lack of money and money issues are brought up. The only options (that I don't like either) could be that I see that I can do is: • Giving her some advice, but it feels like condescending or patronizing. I'm not in her shoes, so advice that would apply to my life would be easy talk. • Changing topic, but it feels like I don't care and maybe rude. • Remaining silent, and waiting her to say something else, that seems awkward.

Does anyone know what the social correct thing to do is please? It's hard as well as it's not always mentioned in person sometimes via text and I just sit not knowing what to really reply.

Do you always offer a tangible solution or set of advice to every dilemna your friend raises?

Maybe they aren't raising a lack of money as a cry for help?

Depend on the context. If it’s oh was invited somewhere/fancied a new top but skint until pay day just say oh I know the feeling or yeah hopefully you can treat yourself on payday. If it’s I’m skint can’t pay my bills and it’s a regular occurrence then maybe offer help in figuring out why. Maybe in a nice way of oh have you used cash back sites or changed energy supplier etc. Just because they say their skint doesn’t mean they want your bank accounr

Is she asking to borrow money or just venting about how things are tough for her financially?

Are you particularly qualified to give advice? I doubt that’s wanted. I’d just be sympathetic and a listening in the same way as if they were having health or relationship problems.

I don't think you need to do anything. It's not uncommon for people to have money worries. It's really not a big deal. Just listen and move on

How about you just offer some sympathy? It's weird that you think you have to fix this. It's not about you. Unless of course there's a lot more to it than you've said.

“That must be really difficult” or something similarly sympathetic but vague.

Surely if she wants advice she’ll ask for it so avoid that.

Sorry, that was a bit blunt.

Empathy?

I would suggest something like ‘That sounds tough, hope things get better for you.’

Don’t say ‘Anythingq I can do to help?’ as you could then be asked for money.

I would just sympathise with them "oh that sounds tough" etc. Perhaps they just want to have a bit of a moan. I doubt they are expecting money from you (unless they have form for asking in the past - but it sounds like you never lend money so it seems unlikely). I probably wouldn't offer advice unless there's something that I know that they definitely don't.

I also thought to just offer sympathy, but wasn't one of your options.

I think OP is asking how offer sympathy/empathy in a socially acceptable way, i.e. not make her friend feel patronised.

The thing is it's not really a one off, it's constant. They do ask if I can help them not with money but other things and I don't mind with a few tea bags, or sugar or even cooking them dinner or whatever but I don't have the money to surpluss it anymore.
They tell me everything in great detail and I think they expect me to know what to do or offer to help and it puts me in awkward spot. It is very dire, it's not like just oh I have no money this week I can't go into to much detail without outing myself.  I don't want to have to keep offering as I'm not exactly in the worlds greatest position myself. Sorry this is blunt, I have autism so I'm very straight to the point.

@Cassilis yes exactly that!

Something simple like 'yeah, it's shit innit' would do.

Sometimes I do offer advice on reflection... Particularly if someone is moaning about affording something that is a completely unnecessary luxury. E.g. friend complaining about the cost of buying new clothes for her toddler...suggested she get a second hand bundle off Facebook... (Which is what I do if run out of hand me downs). She was pretty horrified by the idea... Which attitude explains the lack.of money really.
But generally people don't want advice at all - I do it more to stop them moaning at me!

OP, you’re going to have to be blunter here.

‘I’m sorry you’re finding things tough, but I’m not in a position to be able to help you. I’d suggest speaking to the food bank or the council, as I can’t give you the advice you need.’

I think it’s ok to say yeah it’s a shit and change the subject to something else. It does sound like they may be trying to manipulate you into helping - so maybe try not meeting so regularly (just say you’re busy). Distance may help this.

Depends entirely on the context on why money is being discussed.

If its that you're making plans and the friend is saying the can't afford it then I don't see the problem - they're stating their boundaries and being upfront, and a "Do you want to do X this weekend?" "Sorry I'm skint, don't get paid till next week" "no worries, we can go next weekend then?" conversation would be perfectly natural and normal.

If, on the other hand your friend is being passive aggressive in mentioning money in a way that you feel they are hinting at you to lend them money then I can understand you feeling uncomfortable but you just need to either be upfront about the fact you don't/won't lend money or ask them not to bring up money again.

That sounds difficult. Is she a good friend? Do you get positives from the friendship too or is it a one-way moan fest?

Depends on what exactly is said-I wouldn’t do any of the options you’ve given though. I’d make some sympathetic platitudes-, ‘oh no, that’s a bit crap, mate!’ etc

The thing is it's not really a one off, it's constant.

Well in that instance, it may be worth offering some advice just to stop them going on. Especially if there is an obvious solution, such as reducing spending on unnecessary things.

Or maybe you just need to see a bit less of this person, it sounds like hard work as a friendship.

I think my attitude would depend somewhat on (a) whether the situation was their fault or not and (b) whether they were reciprocating in some way.

Sounds like you're quite involved OP, feeding them etc ..

Is this a position you are happy to be in? or would you prefer to distance yourself more?

Either way I agree with other posters that suggest sympathising and moving on.. in conversation.

🌸

If you can’t afford it then you aren’t in that much better position than she is so I would literally say “I’m struggling myself, money is so tight right now for everyone” and leave it at that.

@OurChristmasMiracle

If you can’t afford it then you aren’t in that much better position than she is so I would literally say “I’m struggling myself, money is so tight right now for everyone” and leave it at that.

Agree, just say this.