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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU skint friends

51 replies

jaffacakesarebiscuitsx · 16/05/2021 20:09

I'm usually uncomfortable when a friend mentions their lack of money during a conversation. I do not lend money as a habit due to bad past experiences and this in turn makes me feel awkward when lack of money and money issues are brought up.
The only options (that I don't like either) could be that I see that I can do is:
• Giving her some advice, but it feels like condescending or patronizing. I'm not in her shoes, so advice that would apply to my life would be easy talk.
• Changing topic, but it feels like I don't care and maybe rude.
• Remaining silent, and waiting her to say something else, that seems awkward.

Does anyone know what the social correct thing to do is please? It's hard as well as it's not always mentioned in person sometimes via text and I just sit not knowing what to really reply. Blush

OP posts:
denverRegina · 16/05/2021 20:54

"Yeah it's shit innit" was also what sprung to mind here

MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 20:56

@ChaosMoon

How about you just offer some sympathy? It's weird that you think you have to fix this. It's not about you. Unless of course there's a lot more to it than you've said.
Not blunt at all. I completely agree. I've been brutally skint before and no I didn't want "advice", just wanted to vent to my friend.
MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 20:57

Just read your update, that's completely different! Didn't realise from your OP that they were asking for money.

Singalongasong · 16/05/2021 21:09

I think maybe repeatedly replying empathetic things like that sounds really tough, that's so hard etc. If she asks outright then maybe "sorry no, I just can't afford it myself at the moment" and offer to help her get to a food bank if things are really desperate. It's ok if your responses get a bit repetitive.

gamerchick · 16/05/2021 21:15

I had a friend like this once. It was constant.

Do not feed her or give her money. Point her to the food bank and her energy supplier if she's on a pre pay meter for an emergency top up.

When she asks or hints. Tell her that you're sorry to hear that, its a shit month for you as well. Hope she gets sorted.

It will never end otherwise.

tttigress · 16/05/2021 21:21

Not really sure what to suggest, other than just staying in the usual sympathetic things.

Is there a big financial gap between the 2 of you?

Don't know you exact relationship to this person, but if the relationship just basically involves them complaining to you about money, could you distance yourself from them?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 16/05/2021 21:28

My DP was made redundant last year and money was really tight, which was very stressful - I spoke about it to friends but it was just a general moan, I didn’t expect them to offer solutions beyond “hopefully things will get better soon”. (And they have, thankfully!)

Original poster
jaffacakesarebiscuitsx · 16/05/2021 21:32

I'm in the same shoes as them money wise but I look better off as I'm very thifty with money and like second hand and don't spend money on things I don't need etc. But still it's a struggle to hand out when I've already budgeted that month for everything.
It's just hard to be blazè about it as it's a lot of it. Sad I will try that approach though and see if it stops it. I feel awful as she is a good friend I just don't feel comfortable about the money side of it.

OP posts:
StartingGrid · 16/05/2021 21:33

Could you perhaps be a bit blunt, put them on the spot? "Oh I'm skint again, moan whinge" and you counter with "yes you said already, what are you planning to do about it?". Get them to realise they need to take ownership of their situation? Not the nicest of approaches but neither is feeling under pressure from someone constantly hinting they want from you...

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 22:30

OP you sound so lovely and kind, please keep your money safe and stop lending, because ultimately them paying it back causes a larger problem, for them.

You need to step back. 🌸

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2021 22:36

If you’re also skint, you need to say the “yes, it’s shit, isn’t it?” line and if need be follow up with “I’m skint too - just need to keep focusing on keeping in my budget” or whatever.

You’re under no obligation to solve your friend’s money issues and actually, if they make you feel uncomfortable about it it is perfectly OK to tell them so. “Friend, I’m sorry but I can’t help, I’m skint too and it makes me feel bad when you ask”.

Sacharelle · 17/05/2021 15:47

I don't think that there's anything wrong with sympathising and saying that you're finding it hard too. If you want to give an example of something that you're doing to help you budget, and ask if she's given it a try too, then great, but don't feel that you have to. You aren't responsible for fixing her problems but it seems like you want to help, and this might just be a way to show that you're in the same financial position and a way to offer some practical advice too.

SwimBaby · 17/05/2021 16:05

It depends on the situation and the actual conversation but I’d probably say things like that’s really tough, or prices have gone up so much lately, that type of thing.

Manzanilla55 · 17/05/2021 16:14

To reply in very general terms would be best.

HollowTalk · 17/05/2021 16:26

Don't say, "I wish I could help, but..." because she can come back with, "But I'll let you have it back soon."

You can't afford to give her money. There's no guarantee a loan would ever be repaid. You can manage your money by being frugal. If you do want to stay friends with her you could say, "Let's both look at what we've spent over the last month" and then you might both realise exactly where her money's going.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/05/2021 17:45

Simply say things will improve and add unfortunately I can't help we're in the same financial position and although they're only small gestures I genuinely can't afford it.

Or say I'm uncomfortable discussing finances.

I think she's a hinter from your posts, a taker, you need to set better boundaries these people would take the last slice of bread from under your knife.

3scape · 17/05/2021 17:54

I'd make it clear things are really tight for you right now. Try the "mmm finances are really tight for me right now" then let the conversation move on.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/05/2021 18:10

You're obviously a very kind person Op but I think you've been a little too generous and now they see you as their first port of call when they need help. You've never made them see you're in the same situation, they think as you seem happy to give them things you must be better off than them. Next time be honest or this will never stop.

AnOnly · 17/05/2021 18:19

You could offer to go through a budget with them but other than that they are definitely not your responsibility. As others have said just say something that lets them know you're in the same boat, then change the subject.

MagnoliaBeige · 17/05/2021 18:27

I agree with the others, you need some general phrases such as “yes I’m counting the days til payday too”, “I know it sucks being strapped for cash but hopefully things will improve for us both soon” etc

chesteroo · 17/05/2021 18:40

I employed a friend, was paying her wages and she was still hinting for more. Her cat had no food, gave her some. She'd had no lunch, bought her some when I bought my own. Needed clothes for a weekend away wit her boyfriend, let her raid my wardrobe. In the end I had to point out that Covid had actually hit me and my business hard and although I was her boss, I was no better off than her financially and she'd have to try manage her money better. The final straw came when I saw she was selling things I'd given her for free on FB market place or posting pics of several bottles of gin for a night in or pic of her latestest purchase, new phone etc. when she owed me money.
I let her go in the end and keep my distance now.

Jumpingintosummer · 17/05/2021 18:45

Lots of good advice here. Next time say sorry I too have to budget so tightly at the moment, have you considered trying xyz such as meal planning, changing utility suppliers etc.

Namechangeme1 · 17/05/2021 18:47

I know what you mean OP, I feel awkward when people do this - especially as I'm comfortable financially it makes any response just feel awkward.

GroovyClementine · 17/05/2021 18:52

Maybe you should say, "yes, me too. It's hard isn't it", and leave it at that.

You shouldn't be feeling obligated to help when you yourself are no better off.

It seems like you are a kind person who wants to help their friend but you have to be really careful it doesn't slip over into you being taken advantage of.

Do you feel that she is actually hinting or outright asking for money by the tone of her messages as it's not really clear if that is so or if you are taking on yourself to try to help her.

Ponoka7 · 17/05/2021 19:03

I had to cut off from a friend for similar. I lived without a lot of things they would buy, but would be able to afford trips out with my children. Then my youngest got awarded DLA and got a back payment. When he was downright nasty because I could buy her a TV/DVD and stuff for her bedroom, that was it. The stress of always needing a extra £20 to lend out, toilet roll/sugar etc for a neighbour, it was too much. Lie if you have to.

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