To give up even though I would then be friendless?

[NoMoreHGTVPlease]

Over the pandemic everyone has changed how they communicate etc.
I dont have many friends in this country. No going out, drinks, walks, dinner etc. Even before covid hit. But do have two people I text occasionally.
I diarised contacting my two 'friends' over whatsapp about once a month, just to keep in touch, although all of us are in different positions re working out of home, at home, kids ages, challenges due to the pandemic. So I kept in touch. But I noticed it was always me contacting .
So the last message I sent was Happy easter.
Both read, no reply.
These are two separate people who dont know each other.
So, aibu to give up? Even though it means I have no friends at all?

That's a tricky one isn't it. I don't have many friends where I am either so understand you not wanting to give up the two you have. Only problem is they don't sound like friends if you messaged them at Easter and they've not even bothered to reply. Sorry I can't be more help and sorry you are in this situation xx

A monthly text doesn't sound like a very sustaining friendship; even a phone call for a chat would be better. I would't get too hung up on letting these 'friendships' go as they barely qualify as such. Better to get out there and make some real friends.

Thanks. Sorry to hear re friends for you too.
It is the way it is for me tbh.
Sen kids. Changed schools. Work shifts. it would be lovely to have friends, and it is jarring to realise if we moved, or even died, not a single person would notice, but I guess it just wont ever happen now as kids are older and shift work means I cannot commit to a hobby or night class etc.

@katy1213

A monthly text doesn't sound like a very sustaining friendship; even a phone call for a chat would be better. I would't get too hung up on letting these 'friendships' go as they barely qualify as such. Better to get out there and make some real friends.

We have never done phone calls tbh. See each other on the school tin, until we all changed schools. One I saw because the children met up. One I went for coffee with once a year or so.

That's really tough, especially at the moment when making new friends is pretty tricky however that quote about 'never make someone a priority when you're only an option for them' is really useful sometimes. It seems like if you never contacted them again they wouldn't find out what was happening or if you were okay. Sounds like they're not really friends and more friendly acquaintances. Step back and start thinking of how you're going to find new friends when things open up a bit I think.

I think it depends on why you’re friends with them. Do you have loads in common, do you enjoy their company?

It’s been a really hard year for everyone, it’s perfectly possible they’ve had a shit time and are juggling loads too and never got round to replying - what did your message say? Things are opening up a bit now, why not suggest a nice day out you can all go on (I know you said they don’t know each other but why not introduce them?)

Yes I enjoy their company. One lives out of town and was simply happy Easter. One lives on the same estate and I said happy easter and suggested a walk.

Is this the first time you've had no answer from them OP?

Mmmmm it can be a day or two between texts, from both them and me when we are having a conversation. Then nothing until the diarised time comes around again.

I guess that's the answer really. They arent interested.
Fair enough. I will leave it then.

How does one make friends these days when children are older and you work shifts?

OP, I sympathise with you. You deserve better friendships than these. There may be all sorts of reasons people haven't responded, none necessarily to do with you. Lots of people are finding it very hard to socialise even with their closest old friends, because the every day chat has gone - we all have nothing to talk about - no news, only the sketchiest plans, and few people will want to discuss how hard it has been.

It sounds like the friendships weren't that close - coffee once a year is not what most people would consider 'friendship.' You just deserve better.

Now things are opening up again, maybe start volunteering, look at Meet Up groups in your area, join a fitness class, a book club or craft group and see if some friendships built on mutual interests develop from there. In my experience (I've done all these) the only place I made friends was in a craft group. But DS, who had real trouble making friends, has found a social group through volunteering.

I think it is easier to build on a weak friendship than start from scratch. I have a friend where I think I'm usually the one initiating, but then there are other friendship that are more equal or where the other person initiates. I'd try to arrange something concrete with each of these two (maybe over half term) then look to follow up in 8-12 weeks or whatever feels comfortable to you.
That doesn't preclude you also initiating other friendships.

These don't really sound like friendships worth holding onto. I think it's really tricky to make friends when you get older. Sorry that's no more help but I understand how difficult it can be :-(

@NoMoreHGTVPlease

Mmmmm it can be a day or two between texts, from both them and me when we are having a conversation. Then nothing until the diarised time comes around again.

I guess that's the answer really. They arent interested.
Fair enough. I will leave it then.

How does one make friends these days when children are older and you work shifts?

That’s not really fair though, there’s loads of reasons they might not have made you their top priority.

Oh there was no judgement there @pumperthepumper , like I said, that's fair enough. I know the whole situation over the last 18 months has made people reprioritise and reflect on what's important to them, understandably.
If they get in touch I will be glad, but if they have other things going on then I dont want to be a bother or added stress to them.

@NoMoreHGTVPlease

Oh there was no judgement there *@pumperthepumper* , like I said, that's fair enough. I know the whole situation over the last 18 months has made people reprioritise and reflect on what's important to them, understandably. If they get in touch I will be glad, but if they have other things going on then I dont want to be a bother or added stress to them.

I think you are being unfair, yes. How could you be an added stress if you text ‘hi, hope everything’s ok, fancy a coffee on Tuesday?’

You’re taking it so personally when chances are it’s just because they’re busy and/or going through something. If you want to be a friend, be a friend.

I'm not sure I understand tbh. I have suggested meeting for a walk to the person on the same estate and got no response.
How can I be a better friend, please? I am obviously doing something wrong as I have none.
I have supported people through divorces, dropping around drinks and little gifts, and cancer, doing the same. Giving them space, not constantly texting and being needy, not asking for things, making sure I ask questions about how they are, what's going on, their kids and not droning on about me.

@NoMoreHGTVPlease

I'm not sure I understand tbh. I have suggested meeting for a walk to the person on the same estate and got no response. How can I be a better friend, please? I am obviously doing something wrong as I have none. I have supported people through divorces, dropping around drinks and little gifts, and cancer, doing the same. Giving them space, not constantly texting and being needy, not asking for things, making sure I ask questions about how they are, what's going on, their kids and not droning on about me.

I don’t know, I’m not you - what happened to those friendships? I’m saying don’t write them off because they didn’t reply to one text in the middle of a pandemic.

''I dont have many friends in this country. No going out, drinks, walks, dinner etc. Even before covid hit.''

OK so it sounds to me as if this was all a bit wishy washy even without a pandemic in the middle of it :)

No judgment from me - i go years without friends sometimes. Then my circs. will change and suddenly i'm miss popular again

Do you work OP? What do you do in your spare time?

Moved houses and schools, different life stages and drifted apart. I have tried to send messages like hey, how have you been etc but nothing comes of it.
I guess I am just unlikeable and not worth being friends with. tbh I am not very interesting. Which is why I focus on others. Like, I have no hobbies, no idea what I would even do if I did want to start one haha and dont do anything other than work and kids.

@NoMoreHGTVPlease

Moved houses and schools, different life stages and drifted apart. I have tried to send messages like hey, how have you been etc but nothing comes of it. I guess I am just unlikeable and not worth being friends with. tbh I am not very interesting. Which is why I focus on others. Like, I have no hobbies, no idea what I would even do if I did want to start one haha and dont do anything other than work and kids.

I think you’re being a bit passive-aggressive - you say you want friends and make an effort to ask about them and support them, but at the same time shrug at being unlikeable and boring. Which is it? Having friendships is a two-way street so I’d say if you’re willing to write people off over one missed month-old text, that’s the issue.

Laiste, apologies, I think we cross posted, but have pretty much answered your question.
Yes in work, 13 hrs a day out of the house (includes commute)
Spare time? Not much. Just mumsnet, play games on my phone. Housework. Ferry the kids. Walk the dogs. Garden if i have time although i am rubbish at it!

Not passive aggressive. Perhaps I am coming across wrong. I don't have any self confidence, hence the shrug. Maybe I should just accept it is what I meant.

And o dont want to write them off. I am asking should I accept that I am no longer part of their life, or should I keep trying. All along I have said indent eabt to be a bother or needy. I am just feeling a bit shit they haven't responded. Not annoyed. Just like I have failed again.

@NoMoreHGTVPlease

And o dont want to write them off. I am asking should I accept that I am no longer part of their life, or should I keep trying. All along I have said indent eabt to be a bother or needy. I am just feeling a bit shit they haven't responded. Not annoyed. Just like I have failed again.

But why look at it as a failure? Instead of ‘they’re probably busy and time moves on, I’ll see if they fancy a coffee’?

You know, a few years ago my first instinct would have been to have listed different things to try (whilst desperately trying to avoid the old join a club cliche ) but honestly now i feel i want to say - it's ok to not have friends! There i said it!

That aside - if you really feel you want a friend i think it's going to take a bit of work. Is there anyone at work you gel with who you could suggest going for a coffee with? Would you consider joining a book reading club or a gardening club or something to do it? Online friendship seeking site?

Shout out on Mumsnet Chat for anyone in your area? I've seen that work here before. (been on mn 10 years).