Teen run away

[Blossomplease6]

My 15 year old dd keeps running away. She generally stays in contact with me via text but won’t always say who she’s with or lies. It’s generally only for a night or two. But I have to call the police. It’s happened twice now where I’ve had to phone the police and there’s been a couple of other one nighters where she’s stayed out but I’ve not had to call the police as she’s told me where she is and I’ve spoken to the parent. But it’s like she just goes out and texts me at 8/9pm to tell me she’s staying out, I say no and she doesn’t care. Even when I’ve spoken to the mums, they’re not people I know or friends I’ve heard of and I’m under the impression they’re not great parents.
Aibu to say I can’t cope with her?
I’m worried about social services, but at the same time need help. What will they do? I can’t physically keep her in if she wants to go. She’s just about going to school. I tell her not to go out after, but she does anyway, I just have to wait and see what time she comes home as she doesn’t answer the phone.
She has no boundaries now and there’s nothing I can do. She’s acting like she hates me and I’m so scared about what’s going to happen, to her as an individual and with social services.

I think that’s the issue that she has no boundaries. I don’t know how you get that back once the boundaries have gone, but does sound like you could use some help with her. Worth speaking to social services as you’re struggling with her

What are you doing re: consequences? Do you take her phone, stop her pocket money?

Remove her phone /money . I once hid ds's shoes so he couldn't go out.
Make her read awful truths about what happens to young people when they roam feral.
Does she have aspirations?
Can you speak to her school?.
A relative she looks up to?
Who is she hanging around with?
Where are their parents?

You sound like you need support and social services can offer that but put your hard hat on for this thread as I’m sure a load of people with no experience of troubled teens are going to come on and blame you!

What do you do consequence wise when she comes home?

Do you financially support her jaunts out?

I was exactly like this as a teen. My mum would take away my phone and I would just go out without my phone. She'd take away pocket money and go out without any money. Honestly, I don't think there's anything my mum could've done to stop me. The more she tried, the more I'd just go out and not come home. I know that doesn't help you at all, but if it gives you any comfort my mum and I have a great relationship now, I have a great job, my own home and I'm no longer a complete knob .

I think be careful about removing the phone. She'll probably go out anyway and you won't have any hope of contacting her if she has no phone.
Speak to social services and school for advice.

I give her no money. Her Dad was giving her money monthly but I asked him to stop. So when she’s going she’s going with nothing. Her phone is pay as you go.
I can’t take her phone from her. I’m pretty sure it would result in a physical fight, because she wouldn’t let it go. I also can’t take it whilst she sleeps as she will kick off massively in the morning and it’s not fair on her younger sibling to witness. Plus I’ve been told by her therapist in the past not to take her phone. She has bad mental health and apparently it’s a lifeline for her woth social contact.

I don’t know these friends. She’s only started doing this about 6 weeks ago. She fell out with all her nice friends pre lockdown and has been isolated since. Doesn’t really have friends in school. It’s like she started of meeting up with one or two girls she knows, and is just meeting people through other people now. Their parents don’t care, clearly. That’s becoming apparent.

Part of the problem is now that her behaviour recently has affected our relationship so much that it makes her want to be here even less.
I also have to tread very carefully because of her mental health. Can’t lock her in or leave her alone. But I also need to go to work and care for another child.

There are basically no consequences that I can enforce and she knows it. I’ve told her she’ll end up in care and she doesn’t even seem to care anymore. It’s making me utterly miserable and it can’t carry on.

OP are you able to just try and ignore the behaviour? I know that's easy for me to say but I really don't see that there's anything you can do to stop her. My mum once locked my bedroom door from the outside and I climbed out the bedroom window (3 floors up) just to get out. I have nothing but sympathy for you.

I can’t really ignore it because I’ll get in trouble with social services if I don’t report it every time she goes. They’ll see it as me not safeguarding her.

I feel like I’ve lost her. She’s like a stranger

Are social services involved already? If so, what do they suggest? I really can't see any way that you can keep her in, and if I'm honest, the more you try the more she'll go out and stay out. When does she turn 16?

They came when she ran away before and done an Assessment, going to refer us to early help but did t offer any practical support.
She’s 16 in September but I imagine will still be classed as vulnerable.

When you say she 'runs away' is it deliberately running away? Or is she just living a slightly more independent life than most/than what you're happy with? (understandably, as she's only 15)

I only ask, as when I was 15 I was working sometimes till the early hours and often going on nights out with my work friends and regularly stayed out all night. I had my own place before I turned 16.
Admittedly, my parents were much older than most and so were raised in a generation where being 15 was very different to what being 15 is these days. They were treated as fully fledged adults from 14 onwards. Therefore so was I.

However, I digress!

I'm just trying to ascertain whether she's purposefully running away due to upset or just being a little too big for her boots?

I’m not really sure. Sometimes it’s just that she wants to go and stay at her ‘friend’ (random new acquaintance) and she’s not allowed for multiple reasons. Some being, she’s begun smoking cannabis, she’s vulnerable, I don’t know these people, I need to reign her in, and now we’ve had a social services assessment. Because she knows she won’t be allowed, she just goes and doesn’t answer her phone which makes everyone worry even more.
So I guess it’s not running away from home. It’s just she wants to do whatever she pleases but she isn’t allowed becuase she’s not making safe choices.

It is also linked to her depression though. I feel like she’s having some sort of episode. The first time it happened she didn’t come home or go to school for a 5 days. That’s what triggered the assessment. Since then it’s just been the odd night. Usually a weekend.

@Blossomplease6

I’m not really sure. Sometimes it’s just that she wants to go and stay at her ‘friend’ (random new acquaintance) and she’s not allowed for multiple reasons. Some being, she’s begun smoking cannabis, she’s vulnerable, I don’t know these people, I need to reign her in, and now we’ve had a social services assessment. Because she knows she won’t be allowed, she just goes and doesn’t answer her phone which makes everyone worry even more. So I guess it’s not running away from home. It’s just she wants to do whatever she pleases but she isn’t allowed becuase she’s not making safe choices.

Must be so worrying

I wish I had some sage advice. I'm only 6 years into parenting, myself. I will say though, I definitely won't be treating my future 15yr old with such a level of indifference that my parents did. I didn't feel like they cared particularly.

All I can suggest, is to continue to show you care. Keep showing her love and let her know she can come to you and tell you anything? Hopefully someone with more knowledge and/or experience will be along in a moment with much better, more proactive advice.

Meanwhile you're doing the best you know how to do OP

Thank you

At this point I’m not sure there is a way to rein her in at this point. As you’ve said you can’t lock her in a closet.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with her though. You need to explain that if she doesn’t tell you where she is and who she is with you will be calling SS every time she stays out past what you’ve agreed and is not in contact. And she will face the consequences they institute.

On the other side of that I think you need to be realistic about the things she will be doing and stop trying to control her. It sounds as though she’s still going to school, at the same time as she’s going out and staying out. Honestly that’s pretty positive if that is the case.

You seem hung up on the new friends, I think you need to let that go... she’s at a stage where she is developing her sense of adult-to-be self and is going to explore new friendships, this is definitely something you can’t or shouldn’t try to control.

At the same time you do have say over what happens in your home, so you can exert control there. On behavior and things like drugs found in the house.

Keep going with the therapy and finding her help, but don’t back down from what you have to do to report her if needed.

Please don't be afraid of accessing children's social care they are there to protect children whose family aren't able to provide the support you are providing - so they do have to assess situations to ensure the family are doing all they can. They can offer you support but they rarely have a quick fix for a situation like this - you describe a history of difficult mental health; impact of lockdown, losing friends and by the sounds of it separated parents. Children respond to live events very differently its really tricky to manage. Please don't threaten her with going into care - if ever you need that service you don't want her to think it is a disaster. It would be an absolute last resort of social care to agree to her going into care as its unlikely another family or unit could do much better than you are doing. However you might find it helpful to have some professional support that pulls together the safeguarding information around her especially if she is widening her network on a regular basis and making new friends where ever she goes. Vulnerable young people dont always see the risks easily. You could look up non-violent resistance parenting for ideas on how to respond to her so it doesn't escalate into abusive episodes between you but you also don't feel like you cant say anything in case it upsets her. Can the therapist give you some advice and make a referral on both of your behalf to see what other support is available in your area?

I would take hope in the stories shared on here by others of coming through phases like this - that can happen in many cases but I also understand you worry about the risks she faces along the way.

I was exactly like this as a teenager and nothing my mum did could have stopped me. I once ran away in bare feet when she took my shoes and the police would sometimes bring me home and whilst talking to my mum, I’d be away again.

I’d be careful about taking her phone as if she ever really needed to contact someone she wouldn’t be able to.

I think the only thing my mum could’ve done, would be to encourage me to be honest about where I was, without having a go at me and it becoming a fight. It wouldn’t have stopped me, but at least she’d have known I was safe.

I’m very close to my mum now and still feel extremely guilty about what I put her through. I have my own DDs and don’t know how I’d cope with the worry, it must be so hard.

Thank you for all the helpful advice.
Honestly, I was also the same at her age. If not worse. I think that makes me worry more as I know what I was doing.
It’s just so out of character. The doctor reckons a bit of it might be where the medication has lifted her depression a bit she’s going through an impulsive stage of wanting to go and do everything she has never done because of being too depressed for years.
She is very vulnerable though, and I’m worried there’ll be a come down at some point which could leave her suicidal again.
I’ve been and looked for her in some of the places I’d been told she was, and they were horrendous. Not a place anyone would want there child. Lots of teenagers gathering, drugs, alcohol, gangs of boys, a lot of older people. We’re in central london if that makes a difference.