Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen run away

43 replies

Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 14:45

My 15 year old dd keeps running away. She generally stays in contact with me via text but won’t always say who she’s with or lies. It’s generally only for a night or two. But I have to call the police. It’s happened twice now where I’ve had to phone the police and there’s been a couple of other one nighters where she’s stayed out but I’ve not had to call the police as she’s told me where she is and I’ve spoken to the parent. But it’s like she just goes out and texts me at 8/9pm to tell me she’s staying out, I say no and she doesn’t care. Even when I’ve spoken to the mums, they’re not people I know or friends I’ve heard of and I’m under the impression they’re not great parents.
Aibu to say I can’t cope with her?
I’m worried about social services, but at the same time need help. What will they do? I can’t physically keep her in if she wants to go. She’s just about going to school. I tell her not to go out after, but she does anyway, I just have to wait and see what time she comes home as she doesn’t answer the phone.
She has no boundaries now and there’s nothing I can do. She’s acting like she hates me and I’m so scared about what’s going to happen, to her as an individual and with social services.

OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 16/05/2021 18:55

OP, you have my sympathy. It sounds really tough and once the boundaries are gone it's hard to put those back in place.

I disagree with those saying to remove mobile phone. She will run off with or without a mobile phone, at least if she has one there can be a line of communication. It's hard to put in consequences for running away, they don't really work. When I worked in children's care, we weren't allowed to put in any consequences for them going missing from care. I don't think consequences work in these situations anyway, as it will just push them into them running away more. You want home to be somewhere she wants to come back to and stay the night, if she thinks she's just going to be punished and have phone, pocket money etc taken off her she won't want to stay home at all.

I think all you can do really is to be as supportive as you can. It's hard with a strained relationship and I think you need to try to rebuild that. Do you think she would engage in a planned activity with the two of you? Could be a girl's night with some pampering like face masks, a takeaway and a movie or something, I know options are a bit limited at the moment with covid. Could you see if she wants to invite some of her friends to stay over instead of her going there? That way you could also get to know who she's hanging out with a bit more.

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 19:41

She’s gone again Sad

OP posts:
MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 19:59

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I agree with @Eivor there's really nothing my mum could've done apart from, maybe, encouraging me to be honest about where I was and if I was coming home with no repercussions. I wish I could say, oh this would've stopped me being a complete bellend but honestly I really don't think there's anything that would have made me behave differently.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 16/05/2021 20:23

School and Social Services. If she's staying out, she's vulnerable to all sorts of exploitation and they may be able to keep her in school better than you alone - and she would have access to other adults to talk to if there are problems or things that happen that she doesn't feel able to tell you.

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 20:36

But what can they actually do other than take her into care. She’s barely engaging in school, she hates it because of her anxiety and lack of friends but I’ve just about been managing to get her in. She’s suspended until Wednesday anyway

OP posts:
Coldwine75 · 16/05/2021 21:02

Oh god thats though, when did she start doing this? Its all very well people saying 'take away her phone' or something, but some kids dont care and will do it anyway.

Theoscargoesto · 16/05/2021 21:03

Honestly they won’t take her into care. The idea of Social Services is to work with families to help them work together more effectively, and to give the child and the parent some tools to help them manage better. She can’t leave home until she is 26 and I suspect it’s really important you keep showing that you care and you aren’t goi g to Eleanor away from her. Ring the police tonight, and ring your contact at Social Services tomorrow. Both you and you daughter deserve to have the support you need.

reallyreallyborednow · 16/05/2021 21:05

Please, please don’t remove her phone.

If you do need to involve the police it’s the best way they have to find her. If she’s thought to be in danger they can ping it.

No phone, no easy way of finding her.

reallyreallyborednow · 16/05/2021 21:10

Also, if you can’t stop her can you compromise?

Tell her if she answers her phone, and lets you know she’s safe, preferably where/who she’s with, you will not contact police etc to come pick her up unless you think she’s in danger.

And tell her she can call you always, any time and you will come and pick her up. Whatever the reason.

MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 21:12

@reallyreallyborednow

Also, if you can’t stop her can you compromise?

Tell her if she answers her phone, and lets you know she’s safe, preferably where/who she’s with, you will not contact police etc to come pick her up unless you think she’s in danger.

And tell her she can call you always, any time and you will come and pick her up. Whatever the reason.

This would've been really helpful when I was a teen.
Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 21:37

She knows she can call me anytime to go and get her. She did this morning.
But I can’t tell her if she tells me where she is I won’t need to call the police. I’ve tried that and she was just abusing it. She told me she was staying at her friends (not asked) I spoke to the mum (who I’ve since found out is useless and lets them do what they want) and she went in to school the next morning with cannabis and got excluded so the school have categorically told me I need to report her missing if she doesn’t come home and I don’t know the people she’s with. I can’t ignore that.

I won’t take her phone. I almost want someone to just lock her up somewhere so I don’t have to keep worrying and dealing with this.

OP posts:
Coldwine75 · 16/05/2021 21:44

What are her reasons for running away all the time?

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 22:52

She says she doesn’t know what’s going on or why she’s behaving this way but she doesn’t see it as running away. She sees it as “living her life and just going to see her mates”.

She’s home again now.

OP posts:
shellfone4 · 29/10/2024 09:56

Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 14:45

My 15 year old dd keeps running away. She generally stays in contact with me via text but won’t always say who she’s with or lies. It’s generally only for a night or two. But I have to call the police. It’s happened twice now where I’ve had to phone the police and there’s been a couple of other one nighters where she’s stayed out but I’ve not had to call the police as she’s told me where she is and I’ve spoken to the parent. But it’s like she just goes out and texts me at 8/9pm to tell me she’s staying out, I say no and she doesn’t care. Even when I’ve spoken to the mums, they’re not people I know or friends I’ve heard of and I’m under the impression they’re not great parents.
Aibu to say I can’t cope with her?
I’m worried about social services, but at the same time need help. What will they do? I can’t physically keep her in if she wants to go. She’s just about going to school. I tell her not to go out after, but she does anyway, I just have to wait and see what time she comes home as she doesn’t answer the phone.
She has no boundaries now and there’s nothing I can do. She’s acting like she hates me and I’m so scared about what’s going to happen, to her as an individual and with social services.

Hi abit of a long shot, I can see this was posted in 2022, im in the same situation. Did anything work for your daughter in the end ? Did social services help ?Please tell me things got better ? I'm going out of my mind with worry my son is also vulnerable x

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 29/10/2024 10:04

Hi, sorry to hear things are tough for you. We had a tough few years, mental health was a huge factor. Social services did become involved and she was on a CIN plan for a short while, and very nearly CP at one point due to county lines. Managed to claw her back from that so avoided the CP, but she stopped going to school completely, they stayed invoked though. CIN plan was dropped as she would engage with the social worker, and it was deemed there was enough professionals involved via school and CAMHS.
It got a lot worse before it got better, heavy drug use. She’s now doing much much better. Still struggles, doesn’t work and left school with no qualifications but is in a better place mentally, no croaky behaviours and our relationship is the best it’s ever been.

Only advice I can give is take all the support you can get and just be as loving and supportive as you can, when he’s ready, be there.

OP posts:
shellfone4 · 29/10/2024 11:01

@Blossomplease6 thank you so much for a reply 😭I feel so scared of the future, good to hear your relationship with your daughter is better now ❤️ my son has definitely got Involved with the worst company you can imagine been excluded from school shows no intrest at all. Really contemplating sending him abroad for a while with family members as as long as we live round here I cannot see anything changing 😩 he doesn't see danger at all currently hanging around with gang members. We have youth workers and social workers to work with him currently he does engage but still does what he wants the minute he is out and doesn't answer his phone, I've called police and he still done this again yesterday got back at 1 in the morning, he's completely changed over night :(

shellfone4 · 29/10/2024 11:02

@Blossomplease6 so happy for you that your daughter is doing much better now ❤️the pain is unbearable when they do this all the best for you and your family x

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 29/10/2024 11:26

@shellfone4 In your shoes I think I would send him abroad. I sent my daughter away for the odd weekend wherever I could, just to get her some distance from the people she was with, I even booked holidays just to get her away. It helped give her some clarity, but only temporarily.
it’s really good that he is engaging with professionals, that’s a good sign. It’s so scary isn’t it, gang culture with boys is particularly terrifying. Is it possible to move? Social services offered to move us but I didn’t want to at that point and had other children to consider. Luckily in the end I didn’t need to.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page