AIBU?
Would you tell this friend/ family member the truth about her child?.
malificent7 · 16/05/2021 13:39
My dad got together with my froend's mum after mum died...long story.
Friends dd and my dd are the same age and got on ok initially but tbh have grown further apart as they don't really fet on. Dd actually no longer wants to have anything to do with friend's child as said child said she would kill my dd...ok she didnt mean it but it freaked dd out. Friend's child is still desperate to see dd but dd not surprisingly is not intetested.
Friend thinks that as our dds are 'cousins ( they aren't really are they?) that they should get on and seem to take it as a personal slight that dd had no interest in their dd.
I think that dd should not be a people pleaser abd shoukd not be forced to be cousins or froends with this girl....dd will not suffer fools and good for her.
She gad to block this girl on whatsapp as was getting bombarded with texts.
We have a family bday next weekend and dd is going but i wish my froend would stop the sighing about how she wished our girls could be friends. Shall i just tell her the truth about what her dd said? At least she will know.
I am also pissed off as she insinuated that dd is ' horrid' for not being friends with her dd...why should she?
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
TidyDancer · 16/05/2021 13:56
@ThatIsMyPotato
This is a good idea. I wouldn't mention about the 'wanting to kill' personally, but I do think trying to make it more casual is a good idea. It's a good way of getting some space without having to have a confrontation.
RealisticSketch · 16/05/2021 14:01
Find a time for a chat with her and put forward the idea that two people put together in a situation are more likely to get on, as well as those two individuals possibly can, if it is allowed to happen naturally, not forced. You can acknowledge that opportunities for this can be made available, but that is all the adults watching should attempt unless they want to drive them apart.
You could acknowledge it would be lovely if they did get on since it would be a nice situation if they did, (this will help her see that her desire for a friendship to happen is based on the circumstances, even as you get her to begin to accept it isn't necessarily realistic), but at the end of the day it is not more likely if pressure is put on. You could draw her attention to the fact that they are quite different people, though the same age, and this unpleasant comment added to the distance your dd prefers at the moment.
All her to recognise she is pushing for what is, at the end of the day, a little idealistic wish of hers.
Yokey · 16/05/2021 14:01
I don't think your friend is wrong for wanting them to get on, but I don't think you're wrong either. I agree with PP: just tell her not to force it, that your DD is free to make her own choices, and that there's nothing wrong with your DD if she finds they don't get along. I wouldn't criticize her child unless necessary though.
Tal45 · 16/05/2021 14:04
Will you saying anything help? She'll likely dismiss it and say her daughter must have been joking or she'll say your daughter is a liar if her daughter denies it. You might end up losing your friendship over it.
I'd just say 'oh you know what teenagers are like' and 'kids will be kids' and other platitudes - she'll give up at some point I'm sure.
sunshinesontv · 16/05/2021 14:05
No I wouldn't embarrass myself by criticising a child, especially as it is really only one unkind incident that you're aware of. How do you know, when you mention it, that she won't have a similar story about your child? Never get involved in children's friendships. Ask your dd to be friendly and polite but maintain a distance if that's what she wants. You don't need to encourage or discourage. If your hand is forced, say that you don't get involved in your child's friendships. If necessary, say something generic about them being very different, or something equally inoffensive.
Sssloou · 16/05/2021 14:11
I can see intergenerational demanding and entitled attitudes, boundary pushing, poor social skills with all 3 of them.
That’s how they operate - unable to read the implicit and will likely twist anything you say in a defensive way.
They don’t sound nice.
Well done your DD for knowing to remove herself from abusive people.
Swerve this lot.
AintPageantMaterial · 16/05/2021 14:14
Whilst they’re not actually cousins, the family relationship is such that, just like with actual cousins, there will be family occasions that they both attend. It is a life skill to learn to politely navigate social events with people we don’t enjoy but it is not necessary for them to be close friends. I agree with pp’s who suggest that you might indicate that manufacturing closeness is probably counterproductive.
You don’t mention how old the girls are so it’s hard to know what it’s reasonable to expect of them.
Sssloou · 16/05/2021 14:20
@AintPageantMaterial
You don’t mention how old the girls are so it’s hard to know what it’s reasonable to expect of them.
I agree with this. Polite, civil at family events is enough - she doesn’t owe her a friendship.
I wonder why her DM and DGM are pushing for this beyond this setting ? Maybe she isn’t able to manage friendships in her own school group etc?
I have had this with a friend - always trying to foist her rude and anti social DD onto my DD because she has fallen out with everyone at her school. My DD also finds her rude and tedious so I ensure my DD doesn’t have to endure her.
TravellingWanabee · 16/05/2021 14:24
How old are they? The killing you comment wasn't nice, but if it came from a 5 year old who perhaps didn't fully understand the impact of such a comment, that would be a different thing to a 14 year old saying it.
No, you shouldn't force a friendship on your DD, but they are family members of sorts, so there will be times they will have to get on and suck it up, like many other families do.
Does the other girl have many friends? Is your DD her only "friend"?
TravellingWanabee · 16/05/2021 14:25
@AintPageantMaterial
You don’t mention how old the girls are so it’s hard to know what it’s reasonable to expect of them.
I cross posted with AintPageantMaterial, but they said what I was trying to say far more eloquently than I did!
user648482729 · 16/05/2021 14:53
I hate the idea that two children have to be friends (really for any reason). I’d like it if my DC got on with their cousins but if they just played separately at family events then I’d accept that too.
I would say something to your friend like has been suggested. It might be that as they get older they become friends again but by pushing them to be it makes it less likely
Sssloou · 16/05/2021 14:57
The DM “takes it as a personal slight”
The DGM “takes great offence....”
The DD “bombards with texts”
Your DF has the measure of them as he is too scared to intervene.
Don’t get provoked into any traps because it will all likely go off like a rocket.
Keep it cool. Batting away each time “can’t force a friendship” - rinse and repeat. Change the subject.
How are they actually scapegoating your DD? I would be nipping that right in the bud.
JackieTheFart · 16/05/2021 14:59
YANBU.
Next time she sighs about it, I’d just say matter of factly “well they’re not friends, no point trying to force it”.
She might have some idealistic vision of happy families in her head but that’s not going to happen, and trying to force the issue is only going to push both you and your daughter away.
This reminds me of back in the day when mums would meet and the kids just expected to play together and be friends - I remember one particular little boy terrorising me and my sister.
Sssloou · 16/05/2021 15:06
You have taught your DD good safe boundaries and she is trusting her gut (and objective facts) and exercising them with your support.
If you teach her to suffer this type of demanding, boundary pushing nonsense going against her gut she will likely end up in very poor intimate RS when she is older.
12 is also an age where different children mature socially at different rates and explore wider friendship groups beyond the family.
Your own DD should be prioritising developing and managing her own social life and not feel burdened by this.
Can you support her is managing the face to face family event politely?
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.