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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you tell this friend/ family member the truth about her child?.

39 replies

malificent7 · 16/05/2021 13:39

My dad got together with my froend's mum after mum died...long story.
Friends dd and my dd are the same age and got on ok initially but tbh have grown further apart as they don't really fet on. Dd actually no longer wants to have anything to do with friend's child as said child said she would kill my dd...ok she didnt mean it but it freaked dd out. Friend's child is still desperate to see dd but dd not surprisingly is not intetested.
Friend thinks that as our dds are 'cousins ( they aren't really are they?) that they should get on and seem to take it as a personal slight that dd had no interest in their dd.

I think that dd should not be a people pleaser abd shoukd not be forced to be cousins or froends with this girl....dd will not suffer fools and good for her.
She gad to block this girl on whatsapp as was getting bombarded with texts.

We have a family bday next weekend and dd is going but i wish my froend would stop the sighing about how she wished our girls could be friends. Shall i just tell her the truth about what her dd said? At least she will know.

I am also pissed off as she insinuated that dd is ' horrid' for not being friends with her dd...why should she?

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 16/05/2021 15:11

Well they are cousins by marriage now. I would have told friend about what her dd had said straight away. You need to tell your friend now and explain how dd is wary.

Redwinestillfine · 16/05/2021 15:16

You should have called your friend about the death threat at the time. Dealt with it then. Maybe you can still do that just say you were in talking to DD and she mentioned it happened and is wary as a result. If she's a good parent she will listen to you and speak to her DD about appropriate behaviour.

RantyAnty · 16/05/2021 15:18

Set a boundary with your friend that you don't want to talk about it anymore. You can't help it if they aren't friends.

Is she really your friend if she guilt trips you about this?

Aprilx · 16/05/2021 15:18

If there is such a thing, they would be “step cousins” but not cousins, no.

I think your friend is right, that it is a shame that they could not be friends, because there are likely to be shared family events in the future. But equally you are right, that adults can not force two children to be friends. I think I would just nod and agree, “yes it is a shame but We can’t force them”.

Sssloou · 16/05/2021 15:30

Who said your DD was “horrid” ? To whom and on what basis?

Potentialscroogeincognito · 16/05/2021 15:37

If someone referred to my child as “horrid” regardless of what they had done I would be having words- especially if like in this case your daughter doesn’t want to be friends for a reason. If that continued I would be calling it out in front of family members and telling them exactly what she said. When the inevitable “she didn’t say that” would come out I would then ask if she was calling my child a liar. How anyone thinks calling a child horrid is reasonable, if you think that then that’s fine but telling their mum That!? And if my dad didn’t feel they should at least have a word about it I would be pissed of with that. Yes of course children can be mean and maybe your DD isn’t completely innocent but calling her horrid is just mean.

AgentJohnson · 16/05/2021 15:40

She’s trying to force a friendship between your DD’s because she wants to pretend that you’re all one big happy family. Be straight with her and tell her your DD has the right to be friends with whoever she likes and if she has a problem with that, that it is exactly that her problem. Smile, nod and ignore.

Original poster

malificent7 · 16/05/2021 15:41

Dad isn't married to his dp.

OP posts:

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 15:45

There is a lot of pressure on children to "be nice" and often that puts them in a position where they are meant to just accept people being mean to them in order to be polite. At 12 they are old enough to learn you don't have to be nice to someone who is being horrible to them. Or indeed to anyone they don't want to. They shouldn't be rude though.

AliceMcK · 16/05/2021 16:23

I would be saying that firstly you will not be forcing your child to be friends with anyone she’s didn’t want to be friends with and secondly you actually don’t want your child to be friends with any one who threatens to kill her and finally if your child is so horrid why do they want their child/grandchild to be friends with your DD.

Ask them would they like to be forced into a relationship with someone they don’t want to be.

Also tell your dad to grow some balls and stick up for his child and grandchild.

Original poster

malificent7 · 16/05/2021 16:49

Dad won't grow balls unfortunately.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 16/05/2021 16:50

Just say to her " Kids fall out. Ours have fallen out . If we just leave it alone they might change later, but trying to push them together is just making it worse. So please stop".

You and your friend are not children, far too old for "he said/she said"

ElphabaTWitch · 16/05/2021 17:06

Don’t bring it up and if ‘friend’ does, just say “ I prefer not to interfere in dd friendships One day besties next day enemies! What are girls like eh? Best not to get involved I find”.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2021 17:40

So, your friend's mother "takes great offence that my dd dosn't get on with her granddaughter" and your friend goes about sighing and wishing they could be friends and insinuating "that dd is ' horrid' for not being friends with her dd". That's a whole whack of entitlement from that family! And of course, third generation feels entitled to have your DD be friends despite being nasty to her.

I would definitely tell your friend to butt out of the girls relationship. I would reinforce that it is not horrid of your daughter to not wish to be friends with hers, they're 12, they've grown apart naturally. Only if she persisted with her sighing and implications would I point out that maybe if her daughter hadn't said some horrid things to your daughter they might still be be friends, but well, as it is there's no going back is there?

Also - is she really your friend? Or just someone you've known for a long time, and are now tied to through other people's relationships?

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