AIBU?
Aibu to think this is a good deal?
User135792468 · 16/05/2021 08:58
I met my dh young and we have built our wealth and life together so I’m in a totally different situation.
My friend met a lovely guy a while back now. He is wealthy but also has 4 children from a previous relationship which he sees a lot and provides financial support. My understanding is that his ex comes from a wealthy family also.
Anyway, here is the aibu. He has made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married as he’s concerned that a divorce would impact how he can support his dc and that he plans to split his money between his dc when he passes and that a marriage would just complicate everything. They would like to have a baby together and he has said that their child would be treated equally when it comes to school fees, savings, inheritance etc. My friend, however, is really set on getting married for the reasons everyone mentions on here like financial security etc. especially if she were to give up work. I think she resents how much he does for his dc and thinks that if they’re together, she should be entitled to 50% of everything.
To address her concerns about financial security, he has said that if they have a baby, he will purchase her a buy to let outright (to the tune of around 400k) and put it in her name. She then has a house to fall back on should the worst happen and she has a monthly income. Obviously this amount is a fraction of his wealth. He has made it very clear he doesn’t want to get married. My friend, however, won’t let it drop and I’m worried she’s going to drive this guy away.
Aibu to think that his suggestion isn’t a bad one? I certainly wouldn’t be giving 400k to someone I had no intention of staying with. I’m just interested in hearing other people’s views.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
User135792468 · 16/05/2021 09:18
It’s not about exit plans at all. After his divorce, he said he would never get married again. It’s not personal to her and he has said this to her from very early on in the relationship.
I think she thought he would change his mind. On here you always see people advising others to not have a baby without making sure they’re covered for the future by making sure they’re married. She has a similar way of thinking which I don’t think is uncommon at all. To address her concerns, he suggested buying her a buy to let.
IndraOnTheMountain · 16/05/2021 09:20
I think being concerned about exit plans is just sensible.
I think your friend is right tho - a 400k house sounds like lots but if his wealth is millions then it isn’t really. I think she is sensible to want to protect herself and her child and marriage would be a deal breaker for me too.
RedcurrantPuff · 16/05/2021 09:21
@StrictlyAFemaleFemale
Of course there are. Maybe with his vast wealth he could take some legal advice. It will be a lot less than £400k!
TheLastLotus · 16/05/2021 09:21
I think it’s perfectly wise to think about what happens if it goes wrong as many people don’t until it’s too late.
The 400K sounds like a good deal - but is that all? What about other legal documents giving them permissions (such as being next of kin for hospital)?
User135792468 · 16/05/2021 09:22
@StrictlyAFemaleFemale
When he divorced a few years back, he had to split all assets 50/50 which included assets he had inherited when his df passed away. He has spent a lot of time trying to build himself back up again.
User135792468 · 16/05/2021 09:30
@IndraOnTheMountain
I think your friend is right tho - a 400k house sounds like lots but if his wealth is millions then it isn’t really. I think she is sensible to want to protect herself and her child and marriage would be a deal breaker for me too.
I have no idea if it is millions. We’ve met him many times and he’s a modest guy. He has a highly paid job but he pays 4 lots of school fees and then has his own living expenses too.
littleblackno · 16/05/2021 09:39
I actually think they are both quite sensible.
If you have been in a situation where you had to split assests etc you are more likely to want to protect them going forward. However your friend is not wrong to want to have some protection and security if they have a child together.
Its ok saying "they are only interested in an exit plan" however i think if you are not starting from the same point financially/ career wise/ kids ect its sensible to plan for this incase it happens.
I think he sounds like hes trying to make a compromise, there are other things to think about like PP said, next of kin, her pension. Doesnt sound like he will budge on getting married so i guess it depends if she will and accept the compromise he makes.
Pinkdelight3 · 16/05/2021 09:44
i disagree with the exit plan comments. She wants a baby and it's very sensible to be thinking about how this effects her financially in future - how many, many times do mumsnetters berate unmarried mums for not thinking these things through? Likewise, he's already divorced and got four kids, so he'd be a fool not to keep a cool head instead of forging ahead blinded by romance. So they're both smart for considering the options, but I agree with OP that it's a good offer and a fair compromise. With four kids in the mix and no doubt some scepticism marriage meaning forever, he's wise not to sign 50% of everything away in a heartbeat, but a £400k property solely in her name gives her more security that many wives/mums have. If your friend can't see that and won't let it drop, then it's perhaps no bad thing if it drives him away before they have a child together.
NormanStangerson · 16/05/2021 09:46
I think he sounds very sensible, ensuring his own wealth benefits his children. He’s obviously rocked by his first relationship breakdown, which has steeled him against any further risk for his children’s futures.
From your brief post, your friend sounds quite motivated by his money. Him providing for any child they may have together is fair. She gets to benefit from his wealth also by being in the relationship. She didn’t get to walk in and resent those who went before her.
DeathStare · 16/05/2021 09:48
I think the financial deal he is offering her is a good one, though it might be worth seeing if they can pre-agree some form of child support agreement. And she should get a solicitor to look at any agreement.
But ultimately if she wants to be married, then he isn't the guy for her. And hes been open about that.
ChristmasAlone · 16/05/2021 09:50
I'd be majorly concerned if I was the fella in this scenario, he's offered what looks like a very reasonable solution and wants to make sure his children are looked after. Comes across like your friend wants it all for her self if dies or 50% in a divorce.
gurglebelly · 16/05/2021 09:57
Your friend does know that it's not mandatory to give up work when you have child, right? She could easily work, retain her independence and create her own security.
He is being very generous with the buy to let idea as it does give her security if they break up, but it sounds like it's not good enough for your friend because she has decided that she just wants to live off his money for the rest of her life. I think he is very wise not to marry her if I'm honest.
User135792468 · 16/05/2021 11:05
@Pinkdelight3
I agree with you 100%.
User135792468 · 16/05/2021 11:10
@FrankButchersDickieBow
Why are you worried? Their business how to run their finances. You sound overly invested and totally in awe of this rich man.
I find your comment very odd. She’s an old friend and this is a topic she discusses with me. She’s mid thirties and wants to settle down. I want her to be happy and she’s found a man who treats her well and who loves her.
I’m not sure why you seem to think I’m in awe of him. I understand his thought process and would do the same in his position. My friend keeps comparing him to my dh when it comes to finances but I met dh at university when we didn’t have much at all. I don’t think the situations are at all comparable.
JackieTheFart · 16/05/2021 12:07
So if people don’t think of this then they’re being silly, marriage is an important legal document to protect you - but if you do, then you’re obsessed with money and it won’t last?
Gotcha.
I don’t like the idea tbh, especially if she feels she’s doing a lot for the four kids he already has. He is clearly a very wealthy man if he can afford to drop nearly half a million on a property for her. I’m not sure why it makes me wary, but it does.
Best thing for them to do together would be to speak to an IFA and solicitor and find the best way to come to an agreement everyone is happy with.
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