Aibu to think this is a good deal?

[User135792468]

I met my dh young and we have built our wealth and life together so I’m in a totally different situation.

My friend met a lovely guy a while back now. He is wealthy but also has 4 children from a previous relationship which he sees a lot and provides financial support. My understanding is that his ex comes from a wealthy family also.

Anyway, here is the aibu. He has made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married as he’s concerned that a divorce would impact how he can support his dc and that he plans to split his money between his dc when he passes and that a marriage would just complicate everything. They would like to have a baby together and he has said that their child would be treated equally when it comes to school fees, savings, inheritance etc. My friend, however, is really set on getting married for the reasons everyone mentions on here like financial security etc. especially if she were to give up work. I think she resents how much he does for his dc and thinks that if they’re together, she should be entitled to 50% of everything.

To address her concerns about financial security, he has said that if they have a baby, he will purchase her a buy to let outright (to the tune of around 400k) and put it in her name. She then has a house to fall back on should the worst happen and she has a monthly income. Obviously this amount is a fraction of his wealth. He has made it very clear he doesn’t want to get married. My friend, however, won’t let it drop and I’m worried she’s going to drive this guy away.

Aibu to think that his suggestion isn’t a bad one? I certainly wouldn’t be giving 400k to someone I had no intention of staying with. I’m just interested in hearing other people’s views.

[Gemma2019]

A lot of people's lifestyles seem to be hinging on one man's income here.

I've heard of a lot of men late 40s/early 50s who lost their very high paying jobs since covid/Brexit and haven't been able to get back into work again. I hope this guy is healthy and works in a very niche area.

[Lottielovescake]

If I was your friend, I would leave him to be honest. Marriage is a non-negotiable for me and I’d want the commitment to our relationship before having a baby with him. Him already having four children would mean I’d already be sacrificing things to make the relationship work - I wouldn’t be sacrificing having a marriage too. Him offering a house instead of a marriage turns the whole thing into a business transaction and says “this is how much you’re worth”, precisely £400k. I’d honestly fuck him off and find someone who values me more than his money. As for the children, I’d happily sign something to ringfence their inheritance if that’s possible legally though.

[ViciousJackdaw]

I can see a 'contraception mistake' on the horizon.

[SparklyLeprechaun]

I wouldn't re-marry either if I were him. My kids' financial security comes first.

They are obviously at different stages in life and don't want the same thing. If she wants marriage, a baby and to stay at home she should move on.

[honeylulu]

I think he is being very sensible. I am fairly well off and if my husband left/died I would not remarry as it would massively complicate what our children might be entitled to inherit. It would seem awful to see assets that had been funded by my in-laws for the benefit of their son and grandchildren disappearing into the craw of a feckless new husband! I am past the age of having more children however.

I would not have wanted to have children without being married either, so I can see your friend's point of view too. But she does sound a bit gold digger-y with her 50% of everything comments. The bloke has already split his fortune once, albeit as his ex was also independently wealthy (if I have read this right) it might not have been as extreme a split as it could have been. Conversely, it sounds like your friend is coming to the relationship without any assets and is already expecting to end up with half of everything! If his fortune gets split again, with someone without independent means, this will likely make a big hole in what his older children would have otherwise been entitled to.

The £400k asset he is offering sounds like a good deal to me. It is probably more than she will earn and save if she does not remain in the relationship and will more than adequately compensate her for any loss of earnings/pension if she chooses to give up work to have children (though plenty of us carry on working; it isn't compulsory!). She will also get decent CM if they split up.

It is a shame that pre-nups aren't given much credence in the UK (I assume they are based there) as that could otherwise be the answer - she would get marriage and he would be able to ringfence his pre-marriage assets.

If I were her I would also want to know what he foresaw as to how the day to day expenses would be funded in the relationship, especially if she gave up work.

Basically if she doesn't like what is on offer she can and should walk away. It sounds all right to me though. I am someone who thinks women should never rely on a man for money if that can be avoided. That is definitely what I tell my daughter - earn your own and be beholden to no one!

[Hankunamatata]

Its sensible to discuss finances around a relationship - esp if couple should split when they are thinking of bringing a baby into the world. I think her partner is offering a good compromise with financial security. I would struggle not being married though but they could have a non legal ceremony and your friend could chnage her name - no one needs to know it's not legal as such