How to get over breastfeeding failure

[GotMooMilk]

Long term user NC. My DC are just 3 and 18 months. I so desperately wanted to breastfeed both and failed both times after 3 weeks with first and 4 months with second for various reasons.
I just can’t get over the guilt. Every day I feel sad about it. When I see breastfeeding mums I feel so guilty and inadequate. Both kids are fine and healthy and the rational me can see that it’s fine but I just can’t move on.
I had PND and have discussed it with my GP who said there isn’t much they can do and I wouldn’t qualify for counselling. I can’t afford private counselling- does anyone know how I can move on? Any free or cheap places to get support?
Thanks :)

Time. I felt the same with mine and breastfed for a lot less time. I definitely wouldn't see four months as a failure!! Mine are 5 and 2 now and really nobody cares how they were fed, least of all me.

Oh I'm so sorry you feel like this!! You've fed and nurtured your children who I'm sure are growing, thriving and loved beyond measure - this is ALL that matters! This happens to SO MANY mums and I think it's so sad that they put so much pressure on themselves and end up not enjoying their children as much as a result.

When they start school do you think you'll be able to tell the difference between the minority who were breastfed and those who were not? Absolutely not. Please cut yourself some slack!!

Also, you did breastfed them in those first few months/weeks! The initial colostrum is the most antibody/nutritionally dense milk anyway.......good on you with persevering for as long as you did.

You can't go back in time. Some women chose to breastfeed, some women don't. Some women can breastfeed and some can't. As long as you feed your baby it honestly doesn't matter! Maybe it does matter in poor countries but we are lucky to live in a country where formula milk is readily available and an excellent alternative to breast milk.

I really hope that you find a way to move past this, your children are beyond breastfeeding age now anyway and have not missed out on anything! You deserve to be a happy mummy who is confident in her actions!!

You didn't fail OP. Everyone stops breastfeeding at some point, and you lasted longer than most. It's really difficult and in most cases in my opinion there isn't any support from healthcare providers (who like to apply a lot of pressure). This pressure and lack of support just combines to make people feel shit about stuff that they have no control over. You did your best and it didn't work out exactly how you wanted. Do you really think your kids will have an opinion either way when they are older? Will it even cross their minds? There are millions of aspects of being a parent and the source of milk in the first few months is literally a drop in the ocean of parenting choices and things that just happen in the course of their lives. I'm sorry you still feel rubbish about it but please try not to because, and I mean this kindly, it doesnt matter

After struggling to establish bf for 6 weeks I eventually gave up. A fellow mum told me that babies really don't care how they're fed just that they are. Really struck a chord with me.
I still felt I had to explain the reasons why I wasn't bf when anyone asked though, as if it was anyone else's business!
I hope you can find a way to accept the way things turned out

in my opinion there isn't any support from healthcare providers (who like to apply a lot of pressure). This pressure and lack of support just combines to make people feel shit about stuff that they have no control over.

God yes! "It is CRITICAL that you breastfeed - truly ESSENTIAL. Oh, you're having trouble? No, we don't have time to help you. BAD MOTHER!".

I really struggled with breastfeeding my DS, I gave up after a week. I managed to BF my DD for a year.

They are now teenagers and honestly my DD is more prone to bugs than DS. She has had swine flu, Covid, eczema...

I am totally not saying breastfeeding isn't worth it, but I genuinely think if they are prone to viruses etc, then so be it

@Jeds55

After struggling to establish bf for 6 weeks I eventually gave up. A fellow mum told me that babies really don't care how they're fed just that they are. Really struck a chord with me. I still felt I had to explain the reasons why I wasn't bf when anyone asked though, as if it was anyone else's business! I hope you can find a way to accept the way things turned out

Absolutely! Oh people love to ask, I remember my friends DAD asked me If I was breastfeeding......thought it was such an odd question coming from a 60+ year old, as if it bloody matters!

Please don't feel guilty op.
You tried it didn't work out.
That's it.

Your baby needs to be fed, you sorted it out.

Try and look at it like this. Factually.

Well done for trying. It might not be what you wanted or expected but this is where you are. Providing for your child whether it's breast fed or not.

Please don't beat yourself up about it.

Please dot feel guilty. I was adopted, due to circumstances, my adopted sister having meningitis, I was fostered for 6 weeks, so has no contact let alone being breastfed with my mum but we bonded fine and I'm fine health wise.

Because of the above I was very sceptical when the pre and antenatal classes pushed breastfeeding so much, and was totally blasé about whether I would or wouldn't. As it turned out I managed fine but the mum in the opposite bed to me struggled horribly because like you she wanted to.

Our kids ended up in the same class at school and have never differed in either heath or intelligence. She now knows 19 years later now our kids are at uni together that it made no difference. Please don't take 19 years to realise this.

It's fine - you've breast fed both of them and it is not a failure.

However long you have done it for, you have done it. There is no set time that denotes success or failure.

Celebrate the small achievements and the big achievements will look after themselves

@happinessischocolate

Please dot feel guilty. I was adopted, due to circumstances, my adopted sister having meningitis, I was fostered for 6 weeks, so has no contact let alone being breastfed with my mum but we bonded fine and I'm fine health wise.

Because of the above I was very sceptical when the pre and antenatal classes pushed breastfeeding so much, and was totally blasé about whether I would or wouldn't. As it turned out I managed fine but the mum in the opposite bed to me struggled horribly because like you she wanted to.

Our kids ended up in the same class at school and have never differed in either heath or intelligence. She now knows 19 years later now our kids are at uni together that it made no difference. Please don't take 19 years to realise this.

Love this!!

You’re not a failure OP. BF isn’t as easy as it’s made out to be! They should be more honest and say it will hurt, it may bleed and it could take weeks and weeks before it gets better.

They don’t though so poor mums are left feeling like it’s not working because it’s supposed to be easy etc...

There are other factors as well such as how the baby latches on, if there’s support there when you need it, if you’ve fit the type of nipples that bleed more easily, if you get mastitis, if you’re baby is particularly hungry and wants to feed 20 hours a day.

There’s lots of things that make it more difficult for some mums. I also think the advise of not combined feeding makes it more difficult for mothers that want to continue but are really struggling with baby latching etc... combined feeding gives you the respite and your boobs the chance to heal.

At the end of the day, we do what we can as best we can. Some people have it easier/harder than others.

I lasted a few weeks with my first then I gave up after beating myself up. My nipples were bleeding to the point the milk was pink and after lots of guilty tears, I decided enough was enough. It was the best thing as baby was happier as was I.

With DC 2 a few years after I didn’t put myself under the pressure and thought I’m if it works great, but if not we’ll be going to bottle.

It was easier with DC2, perhaps I was more relaxed but I did combine feed so it wasn’t totally breast which some people would be aghast at. But DC was a hungry baby and I couldn’t fill them.

Top and bottom of it, they’re both great eaters, neither gets more poorly than the other and the one DC1 is super clever - do the amino acids in the cartons must be better than my milk!!

I struggled and failed with breastfeeding too. NICU baby and when he lost 10% of his body weight in the first 6 days I was then told off by the doctor that he hadn't regained it by day 10, at an appointment about an abnormality in the newborn screening test. I just went outside the room and cried where a nurse came to tell me that crying would only 'damage my milk supply'. Tongue-tie that it took 3 lactation consultants to diagnose and then no one could do anything about it. Blocked ducts continually as he could only get the letdown. I made it to about 6 weeks and now, coming up to his 2nd birthday, I'm still struggling with PNA. At one point I was researching if he was still young enough that I could kill myself without giving him an attachment disorder. Then struggled to get formula during all the covid shortages and was really worried I would have to start rationing it or switch to cows milk early.

I have at least made some improvement with time. I'm still very anxious (covid hasn't helped) but I'm now a long way from suicidal. I do feel mental health for new mothers is completely ignored and it really shouldn't be. We both, and mothers generally, deserve so much better.

Also I bet if you said anything to me it would be kind and supportive. That's what you should be saying to yourself too.

They both had some breastmilk, including colostrum. That will have done them a lot of good. You did well.

My aunt told me how she had BF all 3 of her DC during a random chat we were having one day. I asked her how long she BF for and she said 6 weeks. Back then they started weaning whenever 🤯

But my point is she 100% knows she bf her DC, even though it was 'only' 6 weeks.

You did 3 weeks and 4 months, you did breastfeed your DC!

I bf dd1 for 9 months, combo feeding from about 8 weeks as it suited me. Dd2 was 2 weeks due to tongue tie.

I'm happy to say both mine were bf 🤷

I felt like I failed too but you just have to put it behind you. There are so many more challenges with being a parent that this really doesn't matter. With my third I didn't even really try at all, couldn't cope with another failure. But they are all fit, well and having good lives . Be kind to yourself.

You breastfed your children. That’s amazing.
You’re feeding your children, that’s amazing.
At birth it feels like the most significant choice you will ever make for your children. Within a few years you’ll realise it’s just one choice and there are many more to come. Please (and I know it’s so much easier said than done) try and find the good in what you have achieved rather than pining for the stuff that never happened.

Change it around, you didn't fail at breastfeeding- you were failed by a lack of support.

Plus you lasted alot longer than most! So actually compared to others you succeeded!

Re getting help to talk this through- call up the NCT bf helpline. The counsellors are trained to be mother-focused not bf-at-all-costs focused. See if they can find you one local to you that you can see for a few sessions.

Or look up online your local perinatal mental health team. Some areas you can self refer, then you will get 121s with a psychotherapist who will help you deal with your feelings.

Big hugs, you did amazing

You haven't failed, there is a failure to support breastfeeding mums in the UK. Well done for getting as far as you did, that is a real achievement. Formula is great for when mums can't or don't choose to breastfeed and your babies will have benefited from it. It angers me though that there isn't more support for breastfeeding for those who want it when new mums are told it is best and then left to it. Supported is best and so many mums are being failed in that regard.

Nice and big

YOU DIDN’T FAIL.

I really tried but had supply side problems. My first nearly ended up on a drip in hospital to be rehydrated. I thought I had a placid baby but what I had was a lethargic baby. I will never forget the look on my son's face when he got a bottle - just relief and joy that he was getting food. Really we have to be thankful that we have modern safe formula and in past times babies like ours would possibly have died. I don't feel guilty about the formula. He's a medical student now and I'm sure he doesn't give his infant feeding a thought.

By the way, lots of people came out of the woodwork when I switched to bottles. All these older family members including my husband's family, told me that they'd had to use formula. So lots of people are in the same situation.

I felt exactly the same and nothing anyone said made me feel better. My best friend bf and I felt she was so much closer to her baby than I was to mine. I found as ds grew up, I could see that bf was only a small part of being a good mum (not to start a war but in my head, bf =good mum.) I don't feel sad about it anymore, ds and I are close and I feel I fill him with love, even if I didn't fill him with breast milk! I hope you manage to resolve your feelings, I remember how consuming they were!

You didn't fail.
You were failed by the society around you and the utterly rubbish breastfeeding support you had available to you at the time.
There are a couple of books on the market that talk about breastfeeding grief and breastfeeding trauma. Have a Google and il sure you will find something.
Be proud of yourself for the time that you did feed for.
Take the words 'only fed for' out of the equation.
You fed for 3 weeks ands 4 months and that's fantastic.
Remind yourself that the UK has some of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the WORLD.

Thanks all for your replies I really appreciate it. I’m grateful for the time I could bf for but I suppose I was caught up in the midwifes expectations of ‘at least a year’. The support as you said was terrible.
Im hoping once all my friends are through the baby stage and bf seems a long way away I’ll feel better. Thanks for the recommendations for places of support. DH has said he is happy for us so save for some private counselling but seeing the responses on here I think a lot of people feel this way and work through it with time so I will try that. I have read some good books which have helped too.

You didn't fail, you did bf your children. You failed to meet your own high expectation which was probably put in your mind by antenatal classes. so I understand why you feel you the way you do.

Counselling would be good to explore the deeper feeling behind this.

I bf both my children until they were 2yo and 3yo. Now they are in school and bf seems completely irrelevant. In fact if we had gone on to have more children I would not bf that long, it takes a huge toll with sleep and freedom of the mother. I also had recurrent mastitis and further complications which for me were worse that pregnancy/ birth combined!