How to get over breastfeeding failure

[GotMooMilk]

Long term user NC. My DC are just 3 and 18 months. I so desperately wanted to breastfeed both and failed both times after 3 weeks with first and 4 months with second for various reasons.
I just can’t get over the guilt. Every day I feel sad about it. When I see breastfeeding mums I feel so guilty and inadequate. Both kids are fine and healthy and the rational me can see that it’s fine but I just can’t move on.
I had PND and have discussed it with my GP who said there isn’t much they can do and I wouldn’t qualify for counselling. I can’t afford private counselling- does anyone know how I can move on? Any free or cheap places to get support?
Thanks :)

My breastfeeding story was a chapter of accidents. Like you I gave it a good go and in the end had to acknowledge it wasn't working. It is much, much better parenting to say, at this time, in these circumstances, my child needs something else, rather than insisting on keeping going for the sake of it. There isn't a God of Breastfeeding that we have to make sacrifices to.

I wonder if the Headspace app might help you? I had to stop using it because I developed a crush on the narrator but I have friends who have found it very good at helping them reach a better mental place.

Dear OP you did NOT fail. You breastfed your babies for the most important stages. If you think the standard is “breastfeeding for at least a year” then less than 1% of mums in the UK do that. Be kind to yourself OP, you did ok

Best thing I heard about this:
"There are many ways to nourish a child"

I don't think you failed fwiw but it's how you feel that's important. Can I recommend Amy Brown's breastfeeding grief and trauma book?

Thanks all. @kitkatsky I’ll look for that one 👍🏼

@PermanentTemporary that made me laugh I’ve used headspace for years and do always imagine a stunningly attractive man to go with that voice

Please read this very carefully and reflect on it.
No one told me that a healthy full term baby might refuse to breastfeed. Yes,literally refuse. Screamed the place down when the midwives tried to get him to latch on. Senior midwife managed to get him to feed for a few minutes and then failed to get him back on. Best advice I had was from my midwife who said to bottle feed him as it’s what he wants. She said she had bf her first and third but her second was like mine. I felt guilt and anger - all on top of 3 years of trying and two failed ivf attempts. Even expressing some for him didn’t really take those feelings away. DC2 born Via c section. He did try to root and latch on but staff were so busy I got little help. I bottle fed him. DC2 has hay fever but DC1 does not. I know breastfed babies who have asthma and eczema and are always more prone to illnesses than my two. Academically mine are both strong. If I could have those first few months again with DC1 I would not give a toss how I fed him. I always held him close and made eye contact with, he must have known he was loved and safe. I ate well well when pregnant and weaned him sensibly.
You are doing great. Please focus on him and what he really needs. He needs to be loved and fed and cared for, but a happy bottle feeding mum is far better for him than a stressed out knackered breastfeeding mum.

I actually think, instead of feeling sad about what we perceive to be our own failure we should actually feel angry at the government instead for not supporting women adequately enough. Also anger towards the formula companies who act immorally and undermind vulnerable women and babies at every turn.
(although I agree formula is sometimes nessessary when there is no access to human milk etc etc)

I read some twee social media post recently that really helped me. It was about how feeding our babies is an act of love not what we feed them. How many feedings did you have with you babies? How many middle of the night bottles? Those things create our bond with them, not what was in the bottle.

I say all this as someone who has cried, home to therapy, taken anti depressants because of the guilt of not breast feeding

Think about all the things you will have to do for your children over their lifetime. The practical stuff like wash them, feed them etc. Then there is the actual parenting - making them good people, giving them self sufficiency, helping them strive and all that.

So, putting effort into which set of things will help them more long term??

I am not saying that if you can breast feed it isn’t great (and I have just finished after doing it for 5 weeks having stopped now through choice) but feeling guilty for not doing it for whatever reason is really just not worth feeling bad about.

It is a very small part of what makes up your parenting.

Midwives faffling on about it the way they do is totally disproportionate. In fact, as been proved by this thread it’s actually quite dangerous.

This sounds so tough, OP.

What amazes me is the silence about breastfeeding struggles. I'm breastfeeding at the moment, but need nipple shields because DS can't cope with the fast flow otherwise. (And this developed after a tongue tie division.)

With some midwives/PHNs and an LC I met you'd swear nipple shields were crack cocaine. But when I mentioned them to people I work with and a few online parenting groups , I was amazed by how commonly they are used, for all kinds of reasons. I know they aren't without their own challenges, but DS and I would struggle horribly without them and he's doing well with them.

Not sure what my point is, but I do think it'd help if some solutions weren't treated like failures.

@ValidUser I couldn’t agree more. My interpretation of the breastfeeding groups/LLLGB/Kelly mom and the likes made me so petrified of formula, dummy’s, shields, expressed bottles that for a while I just lowered on and then in an absolute out of agony DP ordered the shields without even asking me and when they arrived said please just try them, I hate seeing you in pain. They were great whilst my nipples healed. Definitely needs to be less dramatic negativity about the tools to help breastfeeding establish/continue or even just for mums sanity.