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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No one ever invites me back

28 replies

RoseWrites · 15/05/2021 19:52

I'm late 30s, and I've had a big group of friends all my life.
I moved 300 miles away to live with my now husband. Before the move, I had an active social life, I saw friends every day, had people over and went to theirs, met in pubs and clubs, and was barely at home.
Since I moved I've spent 5 years trying to make friends in my new city. It has been hard. There.have been moments when I've felt like I've met a friend, but mainly I feel like I'm constantly making all the.effort.
It's really taking a toll.
This afternoon I was invited out for a lunch in a pub. I thought it would be fun. It was but it was also hugely apparent that everyone had been meeting up over lockdown and all the husbands had become best friends. I had never met the husbands or been invited to anyone's house.
I feel so low.
I'm unsure how to keep up the enthusiasm of having dinner parties which people happily attend but never reciprocate. Particularly when they all have them without me.
I know I'm not terrible company as I have loads of friends in my old city who I'd see all the time.
Where am I going wrong here? I'm at such a low ebb that I'm worrying the only option is leaving my husband and moving which seems ridiculous, but I can't go through life with no friends.
What do i do?
Please be kind as I'm so low right now

OP posts:
Footloosefancyfree · 15/05/2021 20:09

Sometimes people don't click. I also think it'd harder to form friendships when your older and they already have an friendship circle formed.

Toilenstripes · 15/05/2021 20:13

This happened to me a few years ago. It was an established friendship group. I just stopped going to anything. My husband didn’t mind and still sees them, well, before Covid. You will find your people, or they will find you.

buzzing · 15/05/2021 20:29

Not quite the same but I have realised recently that everyone else from my friendship “group” meets up on a regular basis, has planned weekends away together etc. And it really bloody hurts. I don’t know what you can do about it other than rise above and stop giving when you aren’t getting anything back. You’ll find your tribe, as corny as that sounds ... though it definitely does feel harder the older you get, lots of friendship groups already settled.

Sorry, no good advice at all, but you are very much not alone.

Original poster
RoseWrites · 15/05/2021 20:40

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat @buzzing. It really does hurt. I've literally sobbed for hours. But as you say, one has to rise above... Xxx

OP posts:
Anothernameanothertime · 15/05/2021 20:48

It sounds like you are trying to join one particular friendship group? Or have you started to build up friends from different parts of your life (hobbies/work/neighbours/random connections)?

stiffstink · 15/05/2021 20:48

You were invited to the lunch so surely they wanted you to be there?

You say all the husbands have been meeting, but was your own husband there? I'm not quite understanding why you think there's a choice between having friends (or this group of friends) and leaving your husband?

Aprilx · 15/05/2021 20:51

You were invited to lunch, isn’t that a start?.

GhostCurry · 15/05/2021 20:52

“You say all the husbands have been meeting, but was your own husband there?”

Also wondering this. From your OP I was wondering if it was the (very unfair) thing that sometimes happens when a single person gets left out because get-togethers happen with couples only.

But you have a husband... and you say “I was invited” not “we”... so now I’m confused

tara66 · 15/05/2021 21:04

Honestly don't worry about it. People can be very disappointing anyway. You seem to be thinking your husband is holding you back in your effort to make friends (as you mention leaving him and moving away might help)which is very drastic. Can you not take up some hobby that you'll enjoy and you may make friend through that? As the saying goes - ''If you want a good friend - get a dog''.

mainsfed · 15/05/2021 21:11

These people are bloody rude for accepting invitations when they never have any intention of reciprocating them. You’re too good for them, OP.

Ditch the lot and start again (I know easier said than done) 💐

StellaLeonte · 15/05/2021 21:11

I’m sorry you feel so low, OP. I don’t have much advice as I’m rubbish at making friends, but I’d suggest joining a walking club or something where you can meet different people? People are probably just not aware of how you feel and it’s difficult for an income when everyone else has been friends for years.

Somethingvague · 15/05/2021 21:15

I know how you feel. I moved to my husband's home area around 3 years ago and am yet to move beyond acquaintance level with anyone. It's a small world and everybody here seems to already know each other or have some connection. Making friends as an adult is so hard.

Lovebug06 · 15/05/2021 21:18

Wow I could have wrote this. Its made me really down at times. I moved 4 years ago and I still feel like I have no friends in my new town. Constantly try but yes make all the effort and just wish people would back. Never know whether to keep trying or let it go.
I have a big group of friends in my hometown and I always made friends fairly easily before but I've found it so hard after moving. It's quite lonely. I do think it's so much harder as an adult.

Elouera · 15/05/2021 21:29

I too am confused by your OP. Who invited you to lunch? People from work, neighbours, friends??? Have you been out with them before? Why don't you invite some or a couple over for a BBQ in the garden?

You might be thinking about your old life, pre-marriage back in your old city too much. Looking at things through rose coloured glasses at a younger, single you! Have you considered taking up a hobby or sport now that things are opening up? If you are so incredibly low that it is consuming you, please speak to your GP about CBT.

PennyinmyPocket · 15/05/2021 21:38

I may be barking up the wrong tree here. Forgive me if I am. After 30+ years with my DH I also found making friends difficult. I made a real effort to keep in touch with my friends. However, DH always seemed to make it a hard task. He made it clear that he didn’t “approve” of my friends. They were either “A man hunter”, “single and desperate”, “A terrible parent, putting their social needs before their children”, “After something they didn’t have” not that I have anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have never been allowed to have a permanent job and my own income.

I found myself entertaining our mutual friends but we were never invited to theirs. I recently found out it was because they found DH difficult company.

I am so sorry that I made my children grow up in this unpleasant environment. If I had my time again I would have left when my children were young.

What I am trying to say OP, very clumsily, is look beyond yourself for blame.

I desperately want to live out the rest of my life in peace and enjoy what time I have left with my GC. I will always regret my DC’s childhood. I should have got them out of this a lot sooner. Now I fear it’s too late. I’m giving it my best shot.

Hope you get some workable responses OP. Good Luck! 💐

toiletbrushholder · 15/05/2021 21:44

Look for people in a similar situation to you, new to the area, looking to make friends, maybe avoid already established groups. Dosen't your husband have friends?

Original poster
RoseWrites · 15/05/2021 21:49

@Anothernameanothertime It is with every group - nursery, school, work, gym etc. Very depressing!!

OP posts:
00100001 · 15/05/2021 21:55

It is hard to make friends.

I find that most people are friendly, but not friends.

Ive joined lots of groups over the years and teyba d chat to people,but it never really gets anywhere for me.

So like, I'll go to (say) chess club on a Monday, chat to people, try and make friends, suggest we go to pub... whatever. Only the met my indifference. Then find out on the Monday that 5 of them all met up at the weekend at a Chess BBQ...

I've decided not to try any more. Will happily go along if invited, but don't bother trying to initiate meeting up with people.

00100001 · 15/05/2021 21:58

One club I joined was a board games group of about 15 people..
I went every week for around 2 years...and some people I never knew their name... Ok fine... whatever, they're not there to chat. Bit what made me leave the group was the fact that they all came in one day talking about a meet up about 6/7 of them had been to... and I asked about it, only the be met with"oh, well...you have to be invited..."

Tossers. Never went back.

hopeishere · 15/05/2021 22:03

How many couples were there? Could you maybe invite them to your for dinner? How do you all know each other?

Making friends is harder when you are older. I've made three friends from the school run but it took ages.

JackANackAnoreeee · 15/05/2021 22:04

I think it's just hard to break into an existing circle. If everyone else was new too they'd probably jump at the chance of you as a friend.when they have an established group they can't be arsed adding new people in.

Raisingawolfpack · 15/05/2021 22:05

Op you are not alone! I feel like I could have written this. I've really been struggling with feelings of isolation recently, covid is a big factor. But the realisation that pre covid I probably had lots of acquaintance interactions but since covid none of those people were in contact made me sad. I've no real local friends, I make plans to catch up with people but they are rarely reciprocated. I've really good friends from school and uni, but none live locally to me anymore. Now that things are lifting I am trying again with arranging some things with different people and see if I can't make it more of a regular occurrence!

I agree with the other posters, it's about finding my tribe, just hope I find mine soon!

spaceghetto · 15/05/2021 22:08

I feel the same op. I thought being a sahm i'd have lots of friends in the village but I don't. I must be doing something wrong but dont know what!

Pixxie7 · 15/05/2021 22:10

At the moment it’s difficult meeting up with anyone, so try not to feel bad. Once things return to relatively normal perhaps hold a coffee morning.

KaleJuicer · 15/05/2021 22:12

@RoseWrites I hear you. I know I can’t be that bad company as I have lots of friends in my home country! I’ve been living here 14 years and seem to fall between two stools as the saying goes. People are delighted to come over for bbq, dinner, lunch etc and our family never gets invited back. People sometimes comment that I have “so many friends” but I would settle for a handful who just reciprocated an invite - just once. No jolly group family holidays for us, but I hear all about them.

Thinking about it, it’s something about me - lots and lots of wedding invites in my 20s and 30s but never asked to be a bridesmaid. In one case I was told because I “wouldn’t mind” but the other girl in our circle of friends would have been devastated so she was asked.

You’ve got my sympathy OP, I do know how it feels.