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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner's priorities

37 replies

Westh · 15/05/2021 18:39

I'm feeling a bit put out but not sure if I'm being a bit sensitive.
I've been with my partner for around 18 months, we don't live together but he's been staying at mine for the past 10 days to help me out whilst I recover from an operation. I can't drive, go out by myself or stand up for too long but I'm not a complete invalid.

He has 3 children in their early to mid teens who he tends to see for a few hours every week, sometimes a couple of days, usually when his ex decides. Partner is happy with this arrangement and doesn't feel the need to see them more often.

Neither his kids nor his ex know about me, this was my choice when we first got together because I didn't think it appropriate as his marriage had only ended 6 months before we met but I'm starting to wonder whether that needs to change?

However, I recently found out that he hadn't even told his best friend that his marriage had ended nor that he's now in a relationship with me.

He was due to see the kids for a few hours today but last night the ex rang and asked him to have them overnight at hers so that she could go to her mums and have a drink.

Partner wanted me to decide what he should do as he didn't want to upset anyone but I refused and pointed out that he was going to be upsetting someone so it was up to him to decide.
Partner has decided that I can manage by myself for a day or so.

I've no problem with him seeing his kids, if anything, he doesn't make enough time for them but I am struggling after my op and I'm upset that even when I'm vulnerable, I'll be dropped at short notice so that the ex can have a night out.

This isn't the first time our plans have been cancelled at short notice because the ex couldn't cope with the kids (tbf I do have some sympathy for her).

I'm beginning to wonder whether this relationship needs to end. I love him and we get on brilliantly but he sets no boundaries, has no back bone and whilst I don't expect to be a priority all of the time, I do expect to be at times like this.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Lou98 · 15/05/2021 18:43

To be fair to him, he asked you if you needed him to stay with you and you said no, it's up to him so he chose to go see his kids after being at yours for 10 days - presumably without seeing them since they don't know about you?

So I don't really think it's fair to say that you've been dropped at short notice when you needed him. If you still need him to help look after you then you should have said that when he asked.

Obviously I don't know about any other issues or back story, just what's in the OP but just on that I do think YABU personally

Dancingsmile · 15/05/2021 18:47

The first thing that came to mind was that you've asked him not to tell his ex and kids about you. If he says he won't look after the kids he will look unreasonable because as far as they're concerned there's no reason not to. So he's in an impossible situation.
Second thing is that's it's very odd not to tell his friend he's separated and moved on. That's weird.
Thirdly he hasn't been putting you last , you understood the arrangement when you got together and his contact is minimal as it is.

I think your issue is that you want them to know about you but you haven't communicated together to sort it. It's now got to a time that them not knowing has caused an issue. I think serious conversation about moving forward and what that looks like.

Aprilx · 15/05/2021 18:51

Well he has seen you in situ and he judged that you can manage for a day or two. I am inclined to think he may be being reasonable on that point as if you really needed him you would have said.. I have also had an operation where I could not drive, go out or stand for long, but I was certainly up to fending for myself at home for a day or two, so long as I have the provisions in.

The rest of the situation you describe, such as people not knowing about you would be less acceptable to me. I would think the next step is a discussion on changing that rather than ending the relationship though?

Jobsharenightmare · 15/05/2021 18:54

Rather than anyone being in the wrong, I think you need to look at updating your relationship agreements now as you're not casually dating this guy anymore and it's been 18 months. He needs to start re-negotiating the contract as it were with the kids' mum too to factor your couple needs in.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/05/2021 20:46

He’s not loving with you are you are just dating so I’d expect his priorities to be for his children and for that to be the case if the relationship gets serious.

How would you have managed if not dating him?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/05/2021 20:48

Living with you that was meant to say

sst1234 · 15/05/2021 21:34

So he put his kids first. Good on him.

Macncheeseballs · 15/05/2021 21:35

I'd get out of the relationship

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 16/05/2021 07:57

I think it ia strange he hasn't told his bf his marriage has ended! But choosing to have his kids or changing plans with you to see them I think he is in the right. His kids should/will always be his top priority. You should maybe have a chat about making your relationship more public.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2021 08:03

I can’t see what he’s done wrong here, although I can see you strongly feel you should be the priority over his own kids. If you can’t loose that mindset you should end it and find someone who has no children.

Becayse the children should always be number one.

ShutUpAlex · 16/05/2021 08:07

He hasn’t done anything wrong. You’re only dating, of course his kids come first.

NeverAgain123456 · 16/05/2021 08:09

I disagree that children should ALWAYS be number one.
People are entitled to a life outside someone else’s children. Cut and run now, he’s showing you who he considers more important (his ex), it’ll never change.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2021 08:10

Op, rereading this, is this about jealousy? Have you got this mixed up in your head and not thought this is about him seeing his kids and to you it’s about prioritising his ex? And that’s why it’s mixed up with the no one knowing thing? You’re jealous?

GreenTreeLeaves · 16/05/2021 08:12

Whilst I think its strange and concerning he hadn't told his bf about his marriage ending or you, I don't think he was being unreasonable to leave you for a day to look after his children.

You may find it a better deal to have a structured set up for an ex spending Time with your children, but this doesn't work for your bf and his ex wife, perhaps they prefer a more casual set up and this is what works for them. I don't think it equates to him not having a back bone. You just have to decide whether you're okay being a relationship with someone who works this way. I think you would be resented to try and impose boundaries on your bf on how and when he sees his children.

I also think you've got to remember that you will always be secondary to his children and that's right.

NeverAgain123456 · 16/05/2021 08:15

No it’s not right, no one should consider themselves secondary to anyone else!!!!

StreetLightsHoney · 16/05/2021 08:16

YABU. It’s your choice that the ex doesn’t know about you so you can’t be surprised he hasn’t told anyone else either. Why would he? You have told him you want to keep your relationship private.

He also asked you what you thought he should do; if you felt you needed him you should have said so then.

You can’t refuse to help him decide then get angry when he makes what you think is the “wrong” decision.

DeathStare · 16/05/2021 08:21

I think you've unwittingly set this situation up yourself to some extent. You didn't want his kids to know about you (I assume his ex also doesn't know about you?) so what is he supposed to say when asked? If he was to say no it would either look like he was saying no for no good reason or he would have to tell them he has a secret girlfriend of 18 months - which would be a real grenade to throw in.

You're well enough to be put of hospital, and he's been there for 10 days. Trying to stop him seeing his children now is wholly unreasonable. You'll cope, and if you can't you need to arrange for a friend or family member to stay with you - just like you would if you were single.

Him not telling his friend his marriage had ended is odd. Not telling the friend he's in a relationship with you make sense (given his children don't know) but not telling them his marriage is over is a bit strange - though that is a different issue to the one about him seeing his children. Does he have a place of his own or is he still living with his ex? How close is he to his friend?

Having said that, you don't need a reason to leave a relationship. If it's not working for you that's reason enough.

lunar1 · 16/05/2021 08:29

He asked if you needed him to stay, you should have said yes if that's what you wanted.

The relationship sounds odd and full of mind games from you both to be honest, it certainly doesn't sound healthy and functional.

SunIsComing · 16/05/2021 08:31

Dump him. It’s not working out.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 08:46

This isn't the first time our plans have been cancelled at short notice because the ex couldn't cope with the kids (tbf I do have some sympathy for her)

This isn’t because ex wanted a night out (which she’s fully entitled to by the way, just like he is), it’s because he has children. That’s not going to change, you need to accept that he’s a father and that most of the time at least, his children should come first. There’s no point blaming his ex for having a life, that’s completely unreasonable, he has just as much responsibility towards them as she does, yet he’s already left her to do the vast majority of parenting.

newnortherner111 · 16/05/2021 08:46

Telling someone you have started a relationship is different from saying your marriage has ended (and presumably divorce is pending). Not admitting the latter to a presumably long-term friend does ring alarm bells to me.

It does not seem a good relationship from what you describe and perhaps should end.

Iwonder08 · 16/05/2021 08:54

Nobody is unreasonable, but I would seriously question if a man with 3 children is what you really want. Especially freshly separated who is clrealy struggling hence all the secrecy

NailsNeedDoing · 16/05/2021 08:55

His children are his priority, so going to look after them is the right thing for him to do, even if it is just so that their mother can have a short break from parenting 24/7. She has every right to expect the person she created children with to look after them sometimes, whether or not she’s ‘coping’, and whether her co parents new girlfriend has had an operation or not.

He’s already gone too long without seeing his children if it’s been ten days, so there should already have been a plan for someone else to come and help at some point soon.

ZenNudist · 16/05/2021 09:00

I think its too soon after his separation and I'd find someone new. You are not his priority now and countless sternum posts tell you it's not going to get easier and he's not going to put you first ever. You will always be the easiest person to upset.

It's very early in the relationship. Move on before it gets serious.

ZenNudist · 16/05/2021 09:01

Stepmum posts

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