Partner's priorities

[Westh]

I'm feeling a bit put out but not sure if I'm being a bit sensitive.
I've been with my partner for around 18 months, we don't live together but he's been staying at mine for the past 10 days to help me out whilst I recover from an operation. I can't drive, go out by myself or stand up for too long but I'm not a complete invalid.

He has 3 children in their early to mid teens who he tends to see for a few hours every week, sometimes a couple of days, usually when his ex decides. Partner is happy with this arrangement and doesn't feel the need to see them more often.

Neither his kids nor his ex know about me, this was my choice when we first got together because I didn't think it appropriate as his marriage had only ended 6 months before we met but I'm starting to wonder whether that needs to change?

However, I recently found out that he hadn't even told his best friend that his marriage had ended nor that he's now in a relationship with me.

He was due to see the kids for a few hours today but last night the ex rang and asked him to have them overnight at hers so that she could go to her mums and have a drink.

Partner wanted me to decide what he should do as he didn't want to upset anyone but I refused and pointed out that he was going to be upsetting someone so it was up to him to decide.
Partner has decided that I can manage by myself for a day or so.

I've no problem with him seeing his kids, if anything, he doesn't make enough time for them but I am struggling after my op and I'm upset that even when I'm vulnerable, I'll be dropped at short notice so that the ex can have a night out.

This isn't the first time our plans have been cancelled at short notice because the ex couldn't cope with the kids (tbf I do have some sympathy for her).

I'm beginning to wonder whether this relationship needs to end. I love him and we get on brilliantly but he sets no boundaries, has no back bone and whilst I don't expect to be a priority all of the time, I do expect to be at times like this.
Am I being unreasonable?

The fact he hasn't even told his best friend his marriage is over is a massive red flag for me, especially as they've been separated for 2 years!

I'd be seriously considering my future here. While I appreciate the whole "kids come first" premise, it is unusual that no one seems to know that him and ex aren't together or anything about your existence.

He's happy to leave you when you're recovering from an operation and don't sound overly mobile because his ex has clicked her fingers. He's shown you how low down on the pecking order you are. I'd be considering what I want from the future here, as he seems to see your relationship as a lot more casual than you do and that you and your health aren't a priory.

Is he one of those men who can't function without a woman in their life?

He doesn't have the backbone to tell his friend his marriage is finished
He dumps his parental responsibility
Wants YOU to decide if he looks after his own children.

This 'man' isn't fully formed yet.

Oh, and shame that you said the ex ' couldn't cope' with parenting. Your boyfriend barely sees his children, seemingly has slopey shouldered all responsibility on to his ex, but when she wants a break, she ' can't cope'.

YABU.

However, I couldn't be with someone that passive in a million years. I'd find it hard to respect him.

The impression I get is that this isn't about seeing his kids. In his position I'd be insisting on more regular, guaranteed time with my kids rather than drips and drabs when it's offered.

If his children were really his priority he'd be making more effort to ensure he's having them overnight regularly.

I also think he sounds a bit passive and like he has zero initiative. He should be an equal parent to his kids. The idea that his ex is struggling while he has them only a few hours a week and that this stuation is fine by him isn't great. It sounds like he just takes the easiest path for him in each situation. I wouldn't find that trait appealing to be honest.

So he doesn't see his kids often but you think it's the ex that can't cope. Doesn't sound like you've found a great catch here and you should probably throw him back and find someone better.

However, I recently found out that he hadn't even told his best friend that his marriage had ended nor that he's now in a relationship with me.
You're focusing on entirely the wrong thing

If you've not allowed him to tell his ex or his kids then telling his best friend could end up being very confusing for everyone.

Generally speaking DC must come first, however if you make commitments to someone else, because for example like you they are in poor health, then I think those commitments should be honoured.

It’s actually a good lesson for teens that the world doesn’t revolve around them: sometimes work, friends or the community needs to be prioritised.

Your problem here is that you’re in a relationship that is dysfunctional on multiple levels. The biggest issue is he has not told his friends his marriage is over. Second to that you felt unable to tell him that you needed him and he appears to only see his DC for a few hours. You could make bunting.

In my opinion he could see his children briefly then come back to you

He has 3 children in their early to mid teens who he tends to see for a few hours every week, sometimes a couple of days, usually when his ex decides. Partner is happy with this arrangement and doesn't feel the need to see them more often.

This says it all. I’m sorry but your partner’s priority isn’t his dc, his ex, or you. He is only bothered about himself. He sees his kids only when his ex has to ask him because she desperately needs a break. He doesn’t see any need to make regular, scheduled arrangements which would be far better for all concerned (except him, obviously) as doing the bare minimum clearly suits him down to the ground. I think you are absolutely right to consider moving on.