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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the crazy one here

38 replies

Maxiemoo10 · 15/05/2021 14:35

Honestly I don’t know where to write this, I feel like I’m going crazy right now sat in my car bawling my eyes out.

Just had an argument with my bf of 3 years, he had a few drinks the other evening and sent me some texts that were not very nice, I’ll keep it brief but blaming me for certain things called me manipulative, time waster etc.
I replied back with this seems like something that would be a much better conversation rather than texts try and get some sleep and we can chat tomorrow.
Instead of doing that he launched into more stuff about me (I guessed at this point from his spelling he’d been drinking) so he told me that I’d given him a brush off. I said no it’s me settling down a drunk man for the evening trying to avoid an argument but will discuss it tomorrow on the phone (he’s working away currently so we’re 3 hours apart)

Instead of that being that it turned into a day long argument that just ended up in him screaming down the phone at me calling me a bitch because I should have known he was just having a bad day and I should have backed down and backed off him and not answered anything back at all. Apparently I almost drove him to commit suicide last night because I didn’t back down and that he’d wished he had so I would finally take some responsibility for my actions.

Trust me when I read these type of things I usually go oh for gods sake woman get a grip why can’t you see he’s a twat. And I do believe I’m in the right mind to believe I didn’t do anything wrong I should not be used as an emotional punchbag just because someone is having a bad day and I’ll certainly always stick up for myself.

But when they talk to you the way they do and it makes me think I’m crazy I’m sitting here my brain everywhere trying to think am I the crazy one for standing up for myself? Should I have just left him and soothed him down?

He said I could have easily settled this by telling him I loved him - after he’d given me a few texts of abuse? But he called me the abuser.
I’m going crazy right now and I just need to hear from someone else I did right or not?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/05/2021 14:39

Classic abusive behaviour.

He bullies you, then blames it on you, then tries to get you to apologise for not reacting the way he wanted when he bullied you.

In reality you did nothing wrong. In his mind your problem is not being absolutely compliant to his shitty moods and abuse.

KittytheHare · 15/05/2021 14:40

Clearly you’re not the crazy one here, and you know that. Dump him ASAP.

Spied · 15/05/2021 14:41

You'll do right when you tell him it's over and block him.
He's a horror. A cowardly horror taking his frustrations out on you and trying to manipulate you.
There's no good points you can set against this.

DysmalRadius · 15/05/2021 14:41

He can't demand that you respond to his abuse in a specific way - you're not there as a silent, compliant vessel for his appalling behaviour, you are a person who deserves to be treated with kindness and consideration and you were kinder to him than most people would have been! Your instinct is right - he's horrible and you deserve better.

lydia2021 · 15/05/2021 14:43

It wont get any better.. it gets worse.. you seem sensible. Run girl run. Red flags

Cjp33 · 15/05/2021 14:44

He sounds controlling and extremely mentally abusive. He's literally got you doubting yourself, after all he said you which by the way was completely unjustified and unacceptable. Honestly just from what you've written , leave him! You'll look back on this when you are in a loving relationship and realise what a nasty twat he is and you got a lucky escape!

pepsicolagirl · 15/05/2021 14:44

This sounds like a precursor to a very bad situation. Do you live together?

Shylo · 15/05/2021 14:46

You know the answer and we are all here to tell you that you know the answer - kick him to the curb woman, you deserve better than this

DustCentral · 15/05/2021 14:47

I’m so sorry that you’re in an abusive relationship.

You know what to do.

He’s shown you who he is and what treatment he thinks you deserve.

He’s scum and you now decide if you want to stay with scum.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/05/2021 14:48

oh for gods sake woman get a grip why can’t you see he’s a twat.

Your words.

StormzyInaDCup · 15/05/2021 14:49

My ex started with this and two years later, I ended up with a fractured skull from him. Always trust your gut instinct. The suicidal ideation are a trick to manipulate you... Fall for it all now and he will drag you down a hole!
Have a look at the freedom programme online. Or living with a dominator. Both will show you that this is red flag overload. Good luck

pinkyredrose · 15/05/2021 14:50

He's a cunt. Get rid.

PearlclutchersInc · 15/05/2021 14:50

Stating the obvious here really but you really need to cut your losses with this guy. Life is too short.

ghostyslovesheets · 15/05/2021 14:51

walk away - do not look back

denverRegina · 15/05/2021 14:52

Jesus, you can do without this shit I presume?

Get rid

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 15/05/2021 14:52

I was in a three year relationship with a man (boy?) like this. I ended it on our anniversary.

He wants to abuse you whenever he’s in a bad mood, wants to control how you react to his abuse (essentially for you to love him unconditionally during the abuse), and then play the victim and make you feel sorry for him and placate him.

This behaviour won’t change. It will get worse. Every one of his problems will be your fault and he’ll feel forever entitled to abuse you every time he’s in a bad mood.

He’s actually threatening to commit suicide because you didn’t back down to his every whim.

Leave. Leave now. Don’t waste another moment. It will destroy you.

Elieza · 15/05/2021 14:56

He’s a nasty piece of work. Time to leave him.

He is manipulative and the suicide quip is proof of that. He is basically saying that in future if you don’t do what he wants you to that he will threaten it actually commit suicide.

You can’t have a good relationship with someone like that. You deserve better. Leave him before he wears you down. It’s not you. It’s him.

Deadringer · 15/05/2021 14:58

You are 100% in the right and tbh he sounds unhinged. He was slagging you off, why on earth would you reply that you love him? My first reaction is to say ltb, but you have been with him for 3 years and you know him, is he usually a great guy, is this behaviour crazily out of character? Either he is having some sort of a breakdown or he has managed to hide how much of an arsehole he is for 3 years, only you can decide.

PhatPhanny · 15/05/2021 15:01

Get out before he breaks you down.

Original poster
Maxiemoo10 · 15/05/2021 15:02

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

oh for gods sake woman get a grip why can’t you see he’s a twat.

Your words.

God you made me laugh with that Grin Thank you I needed it!

He actually sent me a photo of a gun next to bullets. Who in there right mind does that? Sad thing is it didn’t give him the response it was supposed to instead I thought it was more for attention than to feel sorry for him.

You’re all right. I know it deep down, the fact I’m going crazy wondering if it’s even me is mind blowing as I never once thought I’d be here I’m strong, independent and I fell for it all.

He’s gone, he’s blocked, no we do not live together thankfully.

My only regret is falling for it and believing it enough to doubt my own mind.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 15/05/2021 15:07

Oh if only you'd been psychic enough to know all you needed to do was tell him you loved him when he was abusing you. What a silly thing you are.
He sounds completely unstable. You cannot fix this, you are so much better off without xxx

Original poster
Maxiemoo10 · 15/05/2021 15:08

He hasn’t always been like this no, he can be the most considerate man I’ve ever met sometimes, but there can be incidents now and then where something will happen and it’s usually my fault, I’ll just apologise to keep the peace (I’m working on that fault of mine right there). And it goes back to being loving again.
He does like to drink and although he has sought help and gone to detox he was doing so well with it all but clearly had a slip up and this is the stuff I get because of it.

All because I didn’t back off when he wanted to slag me off. The time before this it was his sister wanted me dead for hurting him so badly - it was along the similar lines of this where I’d stood up for myself.

I know his ex wife would do similar for him, he used to say he’d rant away and she’d apologise and it would soothe him and I told him that it was weird because nobody would apologise for doing nothing but he got in my head that he’s grown adults just say sorry to settle someone down and he had me going crazy thinking am I the weird one here for thinking no that’s not right? Apologising when you’ve done nothing at all is just strange to me? It really got in my head and o believed for so long I needed to work on myself because I wouldn’t apologise when someone was having a go at me.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/05/2021 15:10

Call the police to do a welfare check and explain he sent that photo to you and you are concerned. This will stop his behaviour towards you escalating at the very least.

Well done for getting away op Flowers

Notimeforaname · 15/05/2021 15:14

In reality you did nothing wrong. In his mind your problem is not being absolutely compliant to his shitty moods and abuse

This sums up all you need to know.

Been there. Unless he's in intensive therapy and knows hes being abusive...no good can come of this relationship. Leave.
He's tryin to see how much you can take..

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2021 15:16

A picture of a gun and bullets?

You need to end the relationship immediately. Today.

He's manipulative, nasty and doesn't respect your boundaries.

Arsehole.

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