I’ve started hating weekends

[Nats1984]

All week I’m exceptionally stressed out, I don’t particularly enjoy what I do, it causes me anxiety and I’m constantly suffering with imposter syndrome and feel like I shouldn’t do what I do as I’m not good enough. I don’t enjoy mornings , my little one is an absolute pain in the arse to get ready for school, when he comes home he’s overtired and emotional so he plays up something awful. I get punched , bitten etc hes only 4 but he’s massive for his age and it hurts. So between having zero positivity during the week and the fact that I’ve not had a single night off or evening out since he was born I should look forward to a weekend where I can chill out, read a book, watch a film or whatever. Every weekend without fail DS gets up in the middle of the night and plays up, during the day he mucks about with drinks, spilling stuff, pours crisps on the floor, will flood the bathroom if not supervised constantly I always have shit loads of housework to do and having everyone here all day doubles it. I cry at least once every weekend because of the noise, the stress , the mess and the same awful kids tv rattling in my ears 20 hours a day. I’d 100 % rather be at work. Obviously I’d most like to be in bed but it’s never gonna happen work would be better than home though. Can you even get weekend childcare? I’d happily do that. Am I alone in absolutely despising weekend/ family time?

Hi op that sounds really tough. Do you have a partner? Have you spoken to school about anything happening there or how is his behaviour there? My ds is 4.5yo and is an absolutely well behaved boy and I can't even say he did one thing from your post. Your ds sounds like he is struggling a bit? Was his sleep pattern always like this?

Yes he’s got a speech delay because he’s slightly deaf so some of it is frustration. I have health problems so he runs rings around me and gets away with too much. His nursery school are doing an assessment at my request . And he was a fabulous sleeper as a baby went through the night from 8 weeks, infact everything was easy and perfect till he was about 2.5. About a week after tolilet training he refused a nappy at night so started getting up to pee. Then doesn’t go back to sleep. It’s pretty much every night . His dad is lovely and loves him but is a total pushover and works 6 days a week 7-7. We have loads of family but they aren’t interested at all in children so there are no breaks at all. I’m just so tired! I’m draining my savings to send him to summer school so at least he will be active and have something to do. I work from home and only leave the house for school run these days.

Oh OP it does sound like you need a break from home. Does your DP work all weekend?
I get where you are coming from. I have two DCs and a DH who doesn’t mind mess.... I do and I struggle with the house being a tip all weekend. I’ve learned to let it go to a degree and send them all out for a walk or upstairs while I clean up a bit to stay sane. Sometimes I just go and sit in the garden with a cuppa and breathe.
Turn the tv off maybe? Mine are little monsters if they have tv so it doesn’t go on unless poorly or somethings at 5ish once they are a bit tired and want a sofa snuggle.

My child has just turned 5 and can be a handful but that behaviour was more what I’d get as a 3 year old and even to that extent. We try and have routines at the weekend e.g. breakfast at certain time, snack at certain time then food away. Try and build in times where they play but we’ve done this since they were little. I try and do washing throughout the week, tidy here and there so weekend isn’t too bad. It’s hard with work and children. Also I don’t expect to have much time to myself so if i do that’s a bonus!

Sorry op that does sound really exhausting. Have you looked at weekend nanny if you can afford to? Even one weekend day would help. Do you have a firm routine with firm consequences? Eating and drinking only in specific areas. Time out for biting. Do you think a reward chart might work. I feel for your little one too - the speech delay would be making him very frustrated.

Yeah. Same here, in the only person who does any sort of cleaning in a house of 4 people , DH cooks breakfast once at the weekend and will take the little one to the park and to McDonald’s on a Sunday. I usually end up working or cleaning though. We are about to move to a property with a garden so I’m hopeful that will change things a bit. That and having a separate office and bedroom. I eat sleep and work in the living room atm. It’s a nightmare. Older child is an adult, I love DS but I often think, ah I could be free now, no responsibilities etc and it’s too hard to be enjoyable , I really don’t enjoy him . He’s in my bed ( has a stunning double bedroom to himself, the kids each do, we are on a mattress on lounge floor so god only knows why he comes in) he gets in my bath, helps himself to my food I’m just too knackered to argue, not quite sure how to parent him. The other one was quiet, aloof , bookish etc just happy doing her own thing so I’ve not experienced this before .

He shouldn't be punching and biting you.
How dreadful.
He needs firm and consistent consequences for that.
That is utterly unacceptable to me.

You clearly need help and your DH sounds a bit useless.
I don't know what to say.
Hopefully someone will be along soon with good advice.

You say your OH is a total pushover, but I disagree. It sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing - minimal housework and childcare.

Does his work actually require 6 days/week 7-7? Or is he choosing to do it / being asked and saying yes?

You say you only leave the house for the school run, so what do you do at weekends? Can you get him outside? To a park? To watch trains? To go on a bus?

Step 1: tomorrow when your dh takes your little one out do something lovely. Plan it now. Watch tv, read, go out and sit in a cafe or browse in a garden centre. Anything so long as it is just and only for you.

Step 2: a housework rota that is more fair and allows you to have this time for you every single Sunday.

After 3-4 weeks of this see if you feel better about work and life. Then make the plans for the next two steps. You can fix this but a bit of time to you is the most important first step because without that you won’t have the energy to make any other changes.

No he really does have to stick to those hours , the business depends on it . There are only 2 people there. I don’t earn very much at the moment so his work is necessary. He sits with him at night sometimes and seems to be better at managing him then me, he very rarely gets any of the bad behaviour. He doesn’t do it to his sister or anyone at school either. It’s just me he hates. I miss enjoying him. When he was younger we went out all the time, the woods, the park, canal , swimming , I was so proud at how he behaved and how good he was with other kids. Now he’s a 4 yr old, the size of a seven year old who speaks like a 2 year old and I can’t take him out on my own as I can’t reliably and safely manage him. I don’t drive. Moneys tight. I’ve got a little stashed away to pay for some help after a big operation I have coming up once that’s gone and the summer childcare it’s hand to mouth again. Everyone’s being quite kind and I feel I’m just naval gazing and being miserable.

You need a routine and a shed load of discipline with consistant consequences.
DH needs a good shake and to step up.

It doesn't have to be like this.

No 4 year old should be regularly hitting and kicking you. Do you have set consequences that you stick to?

Could you sign him up for some sort of club on a Saturday like Football, swimming, drama, anything really. It would keep him busy and you’d get a short break.

Thanks for the replies, I suspected his behaviour wasn’t typical. I don’t have any friends with children and I fell out with my brother and his wife so I don’t see any other children regularly. I do tell him off when he hurts me but it has zero effect. I have tried timeout but he just laughs and walks away , if I try to hold him he’ll attack me and if I try to put him in his room he’ll smash things up or kick the door so hard and frequently that I’m scared the neighbours will report me, so I tend to lock myself in the bathroom till he’s calmed down. It passes quickly . My local nhs services are shocking , he’s still waiting for hearing aid and speech therapy and my health visitor averages 3 weeks to respond to anything. We are moving to outer London soon . I’m hopeful that things will be more efficient.

He sounds bored. 20 hours a day of kids’ tv? No child really wants that. Plan some fun activities (jigsaws, model making etc at home) and free trips out (walk / park / bus ride). Agree with your partner how you’re going to handle the behaviour (123 magic worked for us. Google it). If he’s entertained and tired, he’s much more likely to sleep better, then you can also sleep better.

Oh, and don’t put up with the other two adults in your household not pulling their weight with chores.

That sounds like a nightmare OP you are doing amazing considering. You need to visit GP with your husband and say our child needs assessment as a matter of urgency we can’t cope. Although your DH is coping better as he does a lot less 🤔

OP what sort of assessment are nursery doing? I say this as he sounds a bit like my 4 year old who has a diagnosis of ASD with PDA profile. Rewards and consequences / firm boundaries / all the stuff that works for most kids and that everyone always advises in these situations just backfires horrendously with my son. Read The Explosive Child if you have time, and look up The B Team Facebook group for some solidarity & practical suggestions.

to you - it is totally exhausting and I have felt like you many a time.

Depending on finances, hire a cleaner once a week. Then all the housework left is loading and unloading dishwasher and laundry once your son stops his behaviour. If he can’t be trusted with crisps, no more crisps - they’re not a necessity and if he’s making your life harder with them, they go. Explain why in age appropriate language.

When he’s violent - put him in his room, which can be made void of toys and anything he can harm himself with. Put some foam on the door, and everytime he kicks off - he goes in that room, you close the door, and once he’s completely calm you do your normal timeout to reflect on what he’s done, followed by a chat.

I’d suggest that he is also put in his room to sleep overnight, each night. Reduce water before bed, he gets a chance to pee before bed, but then that’s it for the night until you come to him in the morning.

Ultimately your DH needs to be fully on board. Disney parenting because he’s so busy actively undermines everything you need, and if he’s good - he will understand that when you speak to him and get on board. You should not be facing violence in your own home, and remember that if he hurts another child when he goes to school - their parents may be an absolute force in pushing him out. The consequences become big, fast.

Also OP - it got A LOT better when I started implementing the strategies from the B Team / Explosive Child. We have a bit of a chaotic household but all of us are 100% happier now we’ve stopped trying to force our son into routines or to submit to our authority.

Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll do a bit of research and make some plans . Last time he was taken to the doctors about his behaviour he sat beautifully in the chair and chatted quite nicely about the doctors blue model lorry and the books beside it. So dr shrugged and said, his pronunciation needs work but he’s bright and seems normal... he’d been awake from 11-4am and I wanted to cry

Could you adult child take your younger one out for a set period of time on a Saturday so that you get the house to yourself for you to something you want and for you to have some downtime? Also a cleaner would help you if you can afford it. Takes the pressure off me. Once you move I am sure a garden will make a difference if he can have a trampoline to burn off some energy.

He sounds like possible asd or adhd. I would start flagging now. Waiting lists are long... this isn't normal 4 year old behaviour and speaks of immense frustration and disregulation.

he’s still waiting for hearing aid and speech therapy

I would suspect from my time working at a nursery with a specialist SALT unit that certainly of his behaviour may be down to frustration with him communication difficulties.

Have you been given any timescale for the hearing aid and speech therapy to be implemented? I know it must be incredibly hard to find the energy but you and your DH really need to push for that.

If his comms issues are being addressed it will probably make it easier to pick up any additional needs in the context of that assessment.

I don’t think I can afford a cleaner. Even if I could I don’t like the idea of people in the house. I know I’m odd, I’m a very private person, I don’t have friends here ever and neither does DH we just don’t socialise I spend two days cleaning and feeling anxious if we have a visit from anyone due, even family. And then I’ll host or whatever I have to do then I just feel so relieved when they go. Even the gas man makes me feel edgy I hate it! Oldest child is saving and has nearly got a deposit together, in just 3 years since leaving school she has almost 30k but that’s from working long, late , antisocial shifts. I wouldn’t Burden her with childcare she needs to enjoy her life on those rare days off. She does take him to a farm or something once a month roughly. He behaves quite well. I’m not well enough to do these things so I’m grateful. The garden we are getting is huge , I’ve designed a play area that I can supervise through a big window in my summerhouse so I can just let him get on with it a bit while working. I don’t think he can do group lessons or sports yet, he’ll just wonder off and not join in. Besides there’s nothing local enough, I can walk 7-8 minutes slowly max. Luckily his school is literally across the street, I’m in a lot of pain today and I can’t even take the bin out it’s just sat there stinking till DH gets back.

Yes I’m chasing. I make calls , follow with emails etc. Huge backlog because of covid I imagine. To begin with it was just severe, persistent glue ear which made proper tests impossible and they said to review it in 6 months in the hope he’d outgrow the issue. Now they’ve said he needs more doing and to wait for referrals ... I keep chasing them. I’m at a computer most of the day so the one thing I’m on top of is admin and appointments. His behaviour is fine at school very rarely any sort of incident , he’s happy he prefers to play by himself building and designing stuff but he is perfectly nice to other kids. Someone said that he sees that I’m tired, weak and in pain and he doesn’t get why I’m like that so that’s why he plays up for me because he can’t process those feelings. In which case he’d be better off having his Dad as main parent but I can’t earn very much so it doesn’t work.