To think my 9 year old really doesn’t need a phone or whatsapp

[Urbanhymngirl]

My 9 year old came back from school yesterday saying that lots of the kids in the class have a whats app group and phones and is feeling left out! My older child was 11 before they had a phone & I was following the same pattern here- even 11 seemed too young at the time for whatsapp to be honest.

Aibu to think it’s just getting younger and younger? Or am I out of touch? My 9 year old still plays with toys and I want to let them be young for a bit longer!!

@supermoonrising

The rise and rise of surveillance capitalism. In a few years every major corporation in the world will have our fingerprints, Face ID, parental occupation, income, and track our every movement on a map from the moment we enter primary school.

Just out of interest, what sort of device are you posting from?

Definitely too young OP. My DD is starting secondary school in Sept and she will get a phone then, but will be basic and used for texting or calling on way to and from school. My brief experience with her messaging friends using zoom during the lockdown is that despite her being generally sensibly, online chat with other friends generally leads to hassle. And other parents in our group feel similar. As a PP said most kids are just not mature enough!

I agree, definitely too young. My 7 year old asks occasionally and it is a definite no. Some children he plays with sometimes have them and they cause nothing but trouble.

I have a 9 year old. She doesn't have a phone or WhatsApp much to her disgust.

She does contact a couple of friends over Skype and also has created herself a Snapchat account on my phone but so far only 1 friend.

Phone will be Yr 6 in time for high school, but that's for safety reasons more than anything.

We waste a huge amount of learning time in school sorting out the fallout from the previous evening’s WhatsApp/Discord conversations: unkind messaging, inappropriate language, editing photos etc.

9-11 year olds are not mature enough to manage unsupervised online relationships.

I voted YANBU however my 9 year old (y5) DD does have a phone and WhatsApp. She started walking home from school so had an old phone of ours. During lockdown her friends all kept in touch via WhatsApp, I resisted at first but eventually did put it onto her phone. She’s in a few groups just with her friends and she knows that I check her phone and read her chats. To be honest she is not that interested and often forgets to charge it for a few days. The chats with her friends are completely dull, mainly about their various pets! She’s sensible and knows that part of having a phone is that I will be checking it.

Too young in my opinion. Assuming the school are not aware, if this is true and not exaggerated by your DD as to the numbers of children, worth making the school aware so they do not end up excluding those without phones in an unintended way. Given there may be parents of the children struggling financially, anything to stop pressure of even what may seem to many a small spend for a child's phone should be encouraged.

I was supportive of President Macron's proposal to ban phones in schools, not sure if it came to reality (saying this to put into context my views on the subject).

My son is turning 11 shortly and is getting one ready for the transition to high school.

He has been saying from about the age of 9 that EVERYONE except him has one. But thats not true. A few got them. And i have stuck to my guns. I do think the vast majority have them now as their 11th birthdays have come round.

I have also hears horrible things about the class wattsapp.

I have even had to report bullying and inappropriate messaging from the only messaging mechanism he has for friends which is roblox!

He is excitable but very sensitive so i think its going to be a very steep learning curve
For us all to be honest. And there is no way he was ready at 9 to deal with it all. The concept that once you say something or share something it is there forever and you cant take it back and people can forward it etc.

@KingscoteStaff

We waste a huge amount of learning time in school sorting out the fallout from the previous evening’s WhatsApp/Discord conversations: unkind messaging, inappropriate language, editing photos etc.

9-11 year olds are not mature enough to manage unsupervised online relationships.

Key word there unsupervised.

The kids that have access to other messaging platforms or FaceTime/videocalls will have the exact same issues . It's not an WhatsApp thing, it's a supervision thing.

Dd had our old phone during ld at 9. I think it saved us all, as she'd talk for hours to her mates. They played lego with the phone propped up. Recently they're playing Minecraft and roblox on one device, whilst seeing each other on another. I've loved hearing her chatter and the laughter. The only time I had to intervene, was when a boy from her class was on the group face time and playing inappropriate songs to them. The girls blocked him.

Ds is yr6. He xboxes his mates. He cba with the WhatsApp groups because he not really a chatty kid.

Mine get phones when they go to secondary. I did buy dc2 a phone early when lockdown 1 happened as I soon realised they would not be going back to school so a phone meant they could stay in touch with people. Dc3 is 9 and doesn't have a phone and won't until secondary. They can still video call people on our tablet or my phone with permission. As parents in lockdown we set up a class zoom call etc on our parent group chat.

I think its impossible to supervise constantly. Once something unkind is said then it's too late. A small child like a 9yo is not mature enough to handle this. I don't even know why you are getting into discussions with your little child. It should be a firm no. Mine will be getting phones only secondary age. You are the parent here.

For those saying a phone is a safety precaution when a 9 yr old is out - I so have to question this. My 9 year old walks to school and to the shops - and to visit a friend if pre arranged - I would see him as far less safe if distracted by an expensive phone or a target for a mugger or bully. If he is lost or in trouble he needs to learn to ask an adult for help - if he isn't old enough to do that he isn't old enough to be out (and at 9 he wouldn't be 'lost') - I think we need to ground our beliefs in what is safe in reality. A 9 year old should have practical understanding of risks and how to manage them..

And the problem with Whatsapp is that school chat/ follows kids home in a way that phone calls don't facilitate. THey aren't old enough emotionally - who as an adult can say they never find Whatsapp pinging away stressful?

My 9 and 7 yo have phones, our old phones. They have payg sims but no credit, and they don't take them out of the house. Youngest uses Houseparty to chat to her cousin whilst playing roblox, eldest does WhatsApp her friends and use Tiktok, but I also have her account on my phone so I can see exactly what she's doing. Both phones are checked regularly. I only have my dc 50% of the time so I like to be able to keep in touch with them on WhatsApp, and for them to be able to text me when they're with their dad.

Most of dd1's friends have phones, I don't think dd2's do though.

My 10 year old wants a phone. Alot of her friends got them when they were 7, this true the parents themselves told me. At ten, she is one of the very last to not have a phone.

I want to delay if I can as even on games like Roblox there are many platforms with things that are too old for them to be dealing with.

She does have a WhatsApp group on my phone, it was with a couple of friends but then someone created a class group and added her to it. So now they all have my number!
The chat is inane, genuinely the same boys showing off and sadly the same girls being unkind to each other. Hundreds of messages pinging in an hour.

I have recently banned screens for a couple of weeks. Everyone is so much happier. My children are playing together again, my older daughters attitude is so much more mellow and she admitted she likes it better!

They will get their screens back but it got out of hand over lockdown and I wanted a break so I could reintroduce them in much smaller amounts.

I'm not against screens and phones, can be amazing to access to so much information and communication. However, I feel that growing up is hard enough to do without the constant noise and fury of the entire internet at your fingertips.

No no no way are my kids having access to WhatsApp. Have asd child and nuance is not something he appreciates. He won't move schools until 13 so will review at that point, but honestly they have access to laptops / gaming at home and I think that is sufficient in terms of access to their friends.

Jesus, Tiktok for primary kids? My 14 year old isn’t allowed that after a secondary school talk about internet safety & it being really bad for dodgy content?

@Wondergirl100

And the problem with Whatsapp is that school chat/ follows kids home in a way that phone calls don't facilitate. THey aren't old enough emotionally - who as an adult can say they never find Whatsapp pinging away stressful?

Me. But then again I always have my phone on silent and have had for years.

I think leaving it until secondary age is best. It might seem to kids that 'everyone else' has a phone but it's unlikely.

@Wondergirl100

For those saying a phone is a safety precaution when a 9 yr old is out - I so have to question this. My 9 year old walks to school and to the shops - and to visit a friend if pre arranged - I would see him as far less safe if distracted by an expensive phone or a target for a mugger or bully. If he is lost or in trouble he needs to learn to ask an adult for help - if he isn't old enough to do that he isn't old enough to be out (and at 9 he wouldn't be 'lost') - I think we need to ground our beliefs in what is safe in reality. A 9 year old should have practical understanding of risks and how to manage them..

I see it as a safety precaution because she texts me when she gets to places, so I know she’s safely there. School would phone me if she didn’t turn up, but if she’s meeting a friend in the park or going to granny’s house, then I wouldn’t know if she didn’t get there. I set a timer, so if she doesn’t call I call her, then go out looking (these are all very local trips).

She knows to keep it in her pocket until she gets where she’s going, then text me and put it away again. It’s an locked down iphone 3, so hardly a target for muggers!

It is useful for her to do things like ask if she can stay out longer, or to check what to do if her friend isn’t where she expected to meet.

Oh god the bloody what's app groups. Ds1 didn't get one until first yea of high school but there was so much torublenin last two years of primary school over bloody what's app.

My DS is nearly 12 and hadn't asked for a phone yet. I think even teenagers can get themselves into trouble of one kind or another with phones and an not looking forward to him having one.

Definitely too young, but I see the same thing happening in our school too. My DD is in year 5 and nearly all of them have smart phones now. I see them at the park together all looking at their screens instead of interacting face to face. We haven't followed suit and my child is fine with it. She does have a basic brick phone that supports calls and old-fashioned text messages, but mainly because the childminder would otherwise not let her out of sight during the after school club. The problem really lies with the parents who just give in and kid themselves that they've got it all under control.

My DD had an old iphone age 8, just for taking photos when we went on holiday. Age 9 during lockdown EVERYTHING changed so yes I'd say now you are out of touch. Every child I know bar one, has accelerated their online behaviour due to lockdown ahead of where their parents expected/wanted.

So due to lockdown my DD's phone has Skype and she uses it to chat with friends while they are gaming online on the iPad. She also used Skype and Facetime in lockdown to keep in touch with her cousins and grandparents. She doesn't have WhatsApp as it isn't necessary. I won't let her have WhatsApp for as long as I can, mainly because nasty messages can easily be deleted if she receives or sends them herself. It is easier to supervise, oversee and control other apps she uses.

Now she is 10 and is walking to and from school, the phone is useful for security in case she has a problem while she is out and about.

However YABU. Playing with toys and using a phone are not mutually exclusive. My DD still spends hours playing every day. As well as spending time reading, on her hobbies and watching Netflix or Disney+.

I would definitely consider letting her have a phone with WhatsApp if her entire class was using it.