Need advice about DC's friend

[julietmanchester]

My DC came home from school a few days ago with a bruise on his chin and red puffy right eye.

I was mortified and asked him what happened when he got home (DH does pick up) and DC told me 'so and so kicked my face, then points to the side of the face with puffy eye.

I then called the school today to talk to the headmaster and she assured me that so and so is not aggressive; and she did the 'boys will be boys' speech. The bruise on his chin is from getting off a slide during play time.

I then sent her w pic of my child's face and called what so and so did 'physical abuse' and she called me rather than responding to my email and said my language is inappropriate (referring to the abuse part) and that this is becoming overblown .

My dc has been complaining to me for weeks that this so and so kid spits in his hair, gets other kids to spit in his hair, now it's become he kicked my child's face.

I'm very disappointed in the headmasters response but am I overreacting? I have worked so hard to teach my ds to be polite and kind and always respectful of others, I think he is feeling unprotected. And I don't know what to do.

Any advice welcome.

How old are the kids involved?

No way would I be letting this be written of with bullshit excuses of "Boys will be boys"

You are NOT over reacting... he has been physically assaulted ffs.

I’ve had this at our school as well, and as a mother of two boys I refuse to listen to the “boys will be boys” line that school leaders and other parents of rough kids trot out.

OP the reason she called rather than reply to your email is so there isn’t a record of what she said. Write it all down as best as you can remember in case you need it further down the track, if the situation with your child escalates.
You will then have a record of dates where you spoke with the principal, after which nothing was done to protect your son.
I suggest being loud and heard in this situation. It might get you painted as “that” parent, but it will stop your son being hurt.

Schools hate bad publicity. If head doesnt sort it ,mention the police, as your lad is being abused if hes spat at and kicked. It could be a hate crime too. Your lad shouldnt suffer like this. Poor kid

“It could be a hate crime too” why?

I would not be happy with the headmasters response but then I would be in school like a shot if my child said someone spat I his hair. If he’s feeling unprotected it’s not just by the school he’s been telling you for a while he’s being bullied an you’ve not done anything about it. Also it’s physical assault not abuse and so is spitting at someone.

Boys will be boys?! Fuck that, just no.
I have two myself.
No way on earth would that be acceptable if they did that to someone, just like it wouldn't be if someone did that to them!!
I'd be taking it further if school refused/were wishy washy

@Disneyforever1974

No, after the first time ds told me about the spitting , I spoke with his teacher and she assured me that she will be watching. But it didn't stop according to my child.

I'm very disappointed and sad this is happening to him. I've cried my eyes out after angrily writing the email. I don't know what to do about it anymore

As a PP suggested keep notes on everything! Monday morning contact school and ask to speak to whoever the safeguarding lead is, explain the situation and ask what they intend to do about it. Follow this up with an email confirming the details of the conversation i.e what was said by the headmaster, previous spitting etc be sure to CC the headmaster.

At the end of the email give a date and time for a suggested update I'd say Wednesday afternoon?

This was me, I didn't want to be "that" parent and I wish I had been more robust with the school, my DD ended up self harming but I feel if I had fought her corner more maybe that could have been avoided GL for you and for your boy

I agree the headmaster is trying to avoid leaving a paper trail so follow up any phone correspondence with an email confirming your discussion so you have proof.
Make a written 'official complaint' if it's not taken seriously followed also by an email. This will then have to be kept on file by the school and open to view by Ofsted.
Take pictures of his face and maybe take him to A&E to get it checked, this will ensure there is someone other than the school and yourself aware of what's happened.
Poor kid, how old is he? If the assaulter is left unchecked this could carry on for years effecting your DC greatly.

I’d write an email to the head teacher confirming the key points of the conversation and saying that you would like to involve the safeguarding lead and would like to meet with them both to work out a plan to keep your child safe. If your child is being physically assaulted it could be a police matter -either way, it must be awful for your D.C.

I hate this, bullying.

Tell him next time he's hit, to punch the kid as hard as he can on the nose.

He won't be bullied again.

I think it depends on how the eye injury happened.

If he intentionally kicked your child in the face - of course, absolutely unacceptable.

If it was an obvious accident or part of a daft game they were both playing, observed or investigated by an adult, then I too would be putting it down to 'boys being boys' and would consider words like assault to be overblown.

I would also have rung you instead of emailing - nothing to do with a paper trail, but because sometimes a calm conversation works better than an impersonal email when someone is already upset.

The spitting is horrible. You say that you reported this but it happened again. Did you report it again?

Also interested to know the age of the children.

Do you know the parent? I'd want to know if my child was doing this and it was being disguised under boys will be boys.

@Tossblanket

I hate this, bullying.

Tell him next time he's hit, to punch the kid as hard as he can on the nose.

He won't be bullied again.

Some people won't like this approach but it gets a yes from me!

O have to agree with others about giving your child the authority to physically defend himself. I have walked this path....school being ridiculously defensive, my child trying a million different strategies (don't play with child to avoid him: being mean. Tell a teacher when he does something: telling tales, speak to parent: breaking school rules etc etc). Absolutely sick of it and so my advice was the same. The next time he hurts you, you punch him in the face. It worked. Sometimes it is sadly the only way to respond to a bully

The problem of the poor excuse of boys will be boys is that the whole idea of school is to teach that boys should not behave like that.

My DD was physically abused, beaten and mentally tortured by a little cretin for 18 months. It got worse and worse because school fobbed it off. I was "that parent" demanding too much of the Headteacher.

The most that happened was he was told to say sorry. They then walked unaccompanied back to class, where he slammed her against a wall and said she would pay for him apologising.

Speak to the police. It sounds OTT, but all school areas have a school liaison in the police. I did in the end. School shit themselves.
The police went off at the head in front of me.

The boys parents ended up getting their door kicked off one morning as a threat he kept making to DD was his dad had bombs at home and guns and would shoot me and her. Police acted under the threats of terrorism act.

I was so disillusioned by the school though, the head was a little bitch and would be openly ignorant to DD and I. I know she slagged me off to the head of the PTA too who gleefully told me. We left in the end as I didn't trust them to look after my DC's

Blimey @Tiktokersmiracle your story definitely shows that although not fair, just getting the hell out is often the best option.

Some people won't like this approach but it gets a yes from me!

I completely understand why.

But sometimes a controlled application of violence is the answer.

I'm not talking about boys will be boys, same goes for anyone.

He'll only have to do it once and it'll send the message through school that if you hit this kid or spit in his hair, you'll get a bloody nose.

Then the bully will move onto the next kid unfortunately.

‘ I then sent her w pic of my child's face and called what so and so did 'physical abuse' and she called me rather than responding to my email and said my language is inappropriate (referring to the abuse part) and that this is becoming overblown .’

I would simply reply back to the last email and write.

‘After you called me and told me that my belief of this to be abusive is inappropriate I will now only communicate directly via email about this matter.
I would like an email response explaining to me why you believe that a child being physically assaulted in your care is not descriptive of abuse.
You’ve got 24 hours to respond to this along with how this will be dealt with before I take this to the police and report the school to higher measures.’

Read the school’s anti bullying policy (it will be on the website) and use it against them. The policy will outline their safeguarding and what they should do, so you can point out what it is breaching. Keep dated notes about what is happening and put everything in writing. Your next correspondence should be an official complaint.

Do you understand the mechanics of injury? A deliberate kick is different to a reckless kick in the context of rough play. My friend has small boys and they do play differently to my small girls, despite our attempts to suppress “boys will be boys” sexist bullshit. If they are messing around and one of them gets hurt, they don’t get much sympathy.

Provided your satisfied that this was intentional, I would write back to the headteacher with a formal letter of complaint both about the incidents and her minimisation of it. Ask her how she proposes to keep your child physically and mentally safe from harm.

If the headteacher is a woman, she’s not a headmaster.

"I would like an email response explaining to me why you believe that a child being physically assaulted in your care is not descriptive of abuse.
You’ve got 24 hours to respond to this along with how this will be dealt with before I take this to the police and report the school to higher measures."

But she'll feel like a dick if the reply is 'because his teacher saw it happen and it was a complete accident', or 'because they were both playing a daft game and either one of them could've ended up with an injury'.

OP, what are school saying happened, and how old are they?

Boys will be boys has had its day 🎉