Need advice about DC's friend

[julietmanchester]

My DC came home from school a few days ago with a bruise on his chin and red puffy right eye.

I was mortified and asked him what happened when he got home (DH does pick up) and DC told me 'so and so kicked my face, then points to the side of the face with puffy eye.

I then called the school today to talk to the headmaster and she assured me that so and so is not aggressive; and she did the 'boys will be boys' speech. The bruise on his chin is from getting off a slide during play time.

I then sent her w pic of my child's face and called what so and so did 'physical abuse' and she called me rather than responding to my email and said my language is inappropriate (referring to the abuse part) and that this is becoming overblown .

My dc has been complaining to me for weeks that this so and so kid spits in his hair, gets other kids to spit in his hair, now it's become he kicked my child's face.

I'm very disappointed in the headmasters response but am I overreacting? I have worked so hard to teach my ds to be polite and kind and always respectful of others, I think he is feeling unprotected. And I don't know what to do.

Any advice welcome.

Definitely echo other posters, you need to email Headteacher again on your email chain:

“To confirm our phone conversation on XYZ, you stated that XYZ the bruise was from a slide and boys will boys etc etc.
I would like to request a meeting with the safeguarding lead etc”

I HATE when people phone to avoid a paper trail!!!!! My greatest bugbear. He would never have been so dismissive in writing. And he thinks you’re too stupid to realise. Keep that email chain going as it’s a record of what has been stated.

How old are the children. It is very relevant. Reception is very different to year 6.

I would request a copy of the complaints procedure and bullying.

People though have jumped in . What was your Ds doing? Was it part of a game.

The spitting makes me think not but we really have very little information too.

I agree avoiding a paper trail. In email cover what she said on phone

Dear HT,

Having had time to reflect I am appalled that after I emailed on X date re concerns over my child being kicked in the face - you called me to tell me I'm over reacting and it's not physical abuse.

Therefore I am giving you 1 more chance to respond appropriately and effectively within your remit of safeguarding and will wait 24 hours for your emailed response of what you are going to do to stop this bullying my son is receiving.

If I do not not receive this I will be escalating to a complaint to the governors.

Regards xxxxxx

Thing with HT like this is they are either not worth the pay packet and are useless bullies themselves and so it's never going to be solved whatever you say and so a stern email won't make it any worse or they are one who will step up when they realise a parent is serious and well informed and they'll be a good outcome.

Sorry your boy is going through this.

I agree that sometimes, not ‘boys will be boys’ but ‘kids will be kids.’ They don’t think, particularly in the heat of the moment. Even if it’s fun, they can get carried away and someone can get hurt. As an adult on duty one of your jobs is to see where it’s headed and try and intervene before then: ‘Calm down, you lot, someone is heading for a bruise if you play like that...’ But you don’t always get there in time. Getting upset about an incident like that is not helpful because it wasn’t intended and it wasn’t targeted - it was an accident and any one of the kids involved could have been on the receiving end of it. If we start saying this sort of thing is completely unacceptable then we end up in an ‘elf and safety gone mad place where kids aren’t allowed to do anything in case they get hurt and someone complains.

However, this is not what seems to be happening here. If this is repeated incidents by one child against the same individual, so it’s targeted at your son, then this is bullying. I don’t use the word lightly. But repeated and targeted is what defines bullying. This is not a one off heat of the moment and shouldn’t be treated as such.

I would keep writing things down so you have a record but I would now start to use language like ‘I have spoken to you before about this, when X incident occurred. Now this has happened. It is a repeated pattern of behaviour aimed at my son and so it is bullying. What are your policies on managing bullying and what will you be doing to safeguard my son?’
Don’t expect to be told exactly what is going on with the other child as they couldn’t tell you but be very clear that you expect them to be following their bullying policy and you want to know what will be done to protect your child.

Definitely follow up the phone conversation with an email.
Any further correspondence cc in the safeguarding lead and the chair of governors.
Spitting in your child’s hair is completely inappropriate and it would seem the teacher is not keeping a close enough eye on your child and his bully if it’s now escalated into an injury.

I would be massively pissed off with the 'boys will be boys' response.

I agree with others - look up the school's bullying policy. Email the head and quote any relevant bits of the policy. Talk to his teacher and the head every time anything happens. Escalate to the governors if necessary. Start looking at other schools.

How old are the kids? Is this a state school?

As a teacher l am surprised the teacher didn't send home a written report of what happened and what they did. We always log incidences and write a report to the parents outlining all details. You would know then if it was an accident. Its strange they let a child out to his parents with two injuries, both unexplained.

Do look up their antibullying policy and quote the relevant section in an email.

I have two boys, the only time either of them have hit or kicked anyone is in their martial arts lessons. Neither of my children would deem it acceptable to be violent.

Boys will be boys is a relic best in the past. I hope you have more luck with school and get things sorted for your DS.

@AppleJane

Blimey *@Tiktokersmiracle* your story definitely shows that although not fair, just getting the hell out is often the best option.

Yep I hated it, it felt like we had given in. And despite what was going on, both DCs had a friendship group It was so bad mentally for DD though that we home educated for 3 months, then we picked a new school. We had to very slowly ease her in. She would run from the room if a teacher raised her voice to the class at first.

She's 14 now and tough as old boots and luckily, due to modern technology kept in contact with her mates, some of whom are now at secondary with her.

The school we moved them to for the end of primary were mega, they really built up her confidence.

But yes, sometime it's the only option for everyone's sanity.

[quote julietmanchester]@Disneyforever1974

No, after the first time ds told me about the spitting , I spoke with his teacher and she assured me that she will be watching. But it didn't stop according to my child.

I'm very disappointed and sad this is happening to him. I've cried my eyes out after angrily writing the email. I don't know what to do about it anymore [/quote]
Mention Safeguarding. Check the policy and point out that your child clearly isn't safe and what are they going to do about it?

I would ensure that that within your reply/summary of the conversation that you ensure that you not only write that this is 1- formally a complaint about their failure to safeguard your ds from the bully and 2- a further formal safeguarding complaint about their attitude to safeguarding an injured bullied child as evidenced by their dismissal of your complaint as explaining it as boys will be boys and thus not worthy of further consideration.

I’m assuming that you have spoken to your ds and ascertained that the kick happened and if anything happened to him on the slide? I guess there’s yes, hurt himself on the slide (with or without bully’s help, and separate from or connected to the kick incident)) or no, didn’t hurt himself on the slide.

I complained about ds being bullied at school several times - only low level but enough to make him really reluctant to go to school rather than skip in excitedly every morning - so yes, it needed to stop. It wasn’t taken seriously until I sent in a complaint that had the words this is about their repeated failure to safeguard dsthat they actually took notice and do something. I think this is because by law, if you mention the safeguarding word, they have to keep records of it, create their own paper trail etc and have a legal obligation to do so (and it gets checked when ofsted come calling). Without it, even if the rest of the email/issue is the same, they can effectively ignore or dismiss as your HT did. Crazy but useful to know and use.

Depending on the ages of the dc I would also go to the police - even if just to get their advice and see if they will have a chat with the bully even if he is too young for them to do anything formally.

(Apologies if this cross posts with anything - wrote this earlier and thought I’d posted it - if I check the thread my phone will lose it so I’m just going to post!)

I would now email back and explain again that you consider this bullying behaviour, you want to see the policy on bullying and want the matter sorted

All correspondence to be by email

If however they call then I would advise them you are recording ye conversation and do just that

Your child needs to see you protecting them as the school is not

@Tiktokersmiracle

After much thinking, I'm going to do the same and pull ds out of his current school. Watching him cry in his room and nothing being done at school is taking a toll on him and me.

I literally didn't sleep last night but I will not be allowing any more bullying/abuse from the peer and the one thing covid taught me is life is too short.

Thanks everyone for the response. I've been in bad shape dealing with this but feel free now knowing he will not be returning and I will find a new school ASAP.

[quote julietmanchester]@Tiktokersmiracle

After much thinking, I'm going to do the same and pull ds out of his current school. Watching him cry in his room and nothing being done at school is taking a toll on him and me.

I literally didn't sleep last night but I will not be allowing any more bullying/abuse from the peer and the one thing covid taught me is life is too short.

Thanks everyone for the response. I've been in bad shape dealing with this but feel free now knowing he will not be returning and I will find a new school ASAP.

[/quote]

I'd do the same OP, in fact I did do this, 2 years ago.

Best thing I did for my now very happy Child. 🌸💕

[quote julietmanchester]@Tiktokersmiracle

After much thinking, I'm going to do the same and pull ds out of his current school. Watching him cry in his room and nothing being done at school is taking a toll on him and me.

I literally didn't sleep last night but I will not be allowing any more bullying/abuse from the peer and the one thing covid taught me is life is too short.

Thanks everyone for the response. I've been in bad shape dealing with this but feel free now knowing he will not be returning and I will find a new school ASAP.

[/quote]
It's so hard isn't it?

We put so much trust in schools and when they fail to protect them, it hurts so badly

I hope he ends up like my DD, at 14, she's strong, she does well at school and has left that awful time behind. She does also know that her dad and I will always protect her no matter what. I don't regret it at all, I actually wish I had done it sooner but she kept quiet for months of how bad it was.

Good luck to you and massively un-mumsnetty hugs to your ds

Why are schools so shit at dealing with bullying? It’s 25 years since I left and nothing has changed it seems.

You should email again and say something along the lines of...
In response to your phone call (date and time) this is what was said... and list what she said basically to have it written down
And then finish up with how are you going to safeguard my child?
That ensures that there is written evidence of it which it sounds like she's trying to avoid by calling you.

I'm sorry to hear about your son, he must be really distressed by this, I hope you get it sorted.