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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get sad that stepdaughter’s mother doesn’t want to spend any time with her?

49 replies

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 17:29

First post on here of any kind so first of all, hey everyone!
I’m not really here in a hugely aggressive or negative way, if anything it makes me a bit sad, but just thought it would be interesting to get other peoples opinions on this situation as to me, it seems so bizarre!

So, I have a Step Daughter who is 5, and we have her every other night. (Side note, I personally feel it’s too much swapping and changing, but hey ho, nothing to do with me!) Although, frequently we will have her extra nights in the week (which we love!)
There are many occasions where DSD will say, and her Mum will openly say, that she hasn’t really spent any time with her over the weekend. She often does things with her stepdad also, without her Mum. I guess I just find it a bit strange to not want to spend any time with her??? Or maybe that’s just me!
Again, don’t mean this in an aggressive or massively attacking way, just interested to see your guys’ views on it?
Thanks!Smile

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 14/05/2021 17:30

The arrangement is strange....I suppose it depends on working patterns as to how much time she sees her mum though. It's good she has a nice relationship with her stepdad though.

ArnoldBoo · 14/05/2021 17:31

Just because she didn't get to spend the time doesn't mean she didn't want to spend the time. You are at it. Grin

ConfusedAdultFemale · 14/05/2021 17:33

I don’t really spend much time with my children on the weekend, we’ve normal family life to get on with. Chores to do, shopping to do, homework to catch up on. On sundays we veg out and do pretty much nowt. But we’ll have a movie night, we’ll play for a bit throughout the day. The amount of things you do with your children don’t matter so long as the quality time you spend with them is good.

Greenqueen40 · 14/05/2021 17:34

I really think you need to have a frank discussion with your DH about their custody arrangements. That poor girl won't know if she's coming or going and it will really take its toll on her as she gets a little older. Really detrimental to her feelings of security and mental health.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/05/2021 17:34

Kids are strange creatures with selective memories. I bet she does do things with her mum

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 14/05/2021 17:37

I don’t think their arrangement is healthy at all. Some children do one week with one parent then the next with the other parent so it’s still 50:50 access but I don’t think changing homes every single night is good for her mental health. Children need routine and stability, she probably doesn’t have a clue whether she’s coming or going.

nimbuscloud · 14/05/2021 17:42

we’ve normal family life to get on with.

Does your normal family life involve your children spending every alternate night with their other parent and his/her new partner?

PicsInRed · 14/05/2021 17:42

She's playing you off against each other and telling you what you want to hear.

Her mother is still her mother.

nimbuscloud · 14/05/2021 17:45

@PicsInRed

The op says that the child’s mother openly admits that she spends very little time with her daughter.
So the 5 year old is not playing anyone.

ghostyslovesheets · 14/05/2021 17:45

do you have children OP?

EnoughnowIthink · 14/05/2021 17:48

don’t mean this in an aggressive or massively attacking way, just interested to see your guys’ views on it?

Really? You didn’t post to hear she’s a shit mother and you’re clearly so much better?

My view is that you have no real idea of what may or may not be going on in the other household, nor the pressures the people in that household may be under.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2021 17:54

It’s an awful arrangement. I’d hate to sleep in a different bed every other night, how unsettling for anyone never mind such a young child. How long has it been in place? Whose idea was it?

Maybe she’d be better off with dad as the resident parent and mum can be Disney mum every other weekend and a night every week.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 14/05/2021 18:04

@nimbuscloud what would my children changing homes have to do with it? I’m separated from their father so yes, they do “change” homes at times. Family life still continues when they’re not here Confused

Eviethyme · 14/05/2021 18:05

I can't imagine not wanting to do things with my kid when I only get them every other night

Original poster
StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 18:05

@ghostyslovesheets
No I don’t, currently 12 weeks with my first though Smile Hence, why I posted to get a general idea of people with children’s views. Sorry should have made that clear in OP. X

OP posts:
Original poster
StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 18:11

@EnoughnowIthink
I completely understand why you would think that, and don’t blame you for thinking that! We obviously are privy to a lot more of the ins and outs of day to day life, than I can put into a post, plus to be honest, I didn’t feel it relevant or necessary to go into details.
But I honestly wasn’t coming from a place of bitchyness, and due to not having a biological child of my own yet, was just curious as to the general consensus and if anyone had/is experiencing the same thing. Sorry if I offended you

OP posts:
cherrytreecottage · 14/05/2021 18:12

@EnoughnowIthink

don’t mean this in an aggressive or massively attacking way, just interested to see your guys’ views on it?

Really? You didn’t post to hear she’s a shit mother and you’re clearly so much better?

My view is that you have no real idea of what may or may not be going on in the other household, nor the pressures the people in that household may be under.

This is harsh. She's not listed off a million things she does with DSD in comparison to the mother?! For a 5yo to swap houses every other night is crazy, no consistency whatsoever and yes you'd absolutely assume that on the days of the weekend DM has her DD, they'd spend SOME time together, despite whatever normal family duties need to be done - would you not if half your time was spent without your child? It's not like she's a teen and hiding on her phone in her room.
AliceMcK · 14/05/2021 18:44

I suppose it really depends on the reasons why the set up is as it is and why your DSDs mum dosnt spend time with her. If it’s due to work/shift patterns as someone suggested then you would think a better arrangement could be put in place. It definitely seems an unusual set up especially as the child is now at school age when more stability and organisation is needed for school life.

MzHz · 14/05/2021 18:47

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s an awful arrangement. I’d hate to sleep in a different bed every other night, how unsettling for anyone never mind such a young child. How long has it been in place? Whose idea was it?

Maybe she’d be better off with dad as the resident parent and mum can be Disney mum every other weekend and a night every week.

I know young adults who did EOW swapping and grew up hating it! You’re never “home”

This arrangement isn’t good for anyone.

CanofCant · 14/05/2021 18:52

She often does things with her stepdad also, without her Mum.

Does she spend the majority of her time at yours with her dad? I agree with others that the overnight arrangement isn't good for her. How does she feel about the new baby?

DK123 · 14/05/2021 18:52

Are you sure what she's saying about not doing anything with her mum is completely accurate? It does sound like she spends a lot of time doing things with other people like you or her step dad. Going home to a different place each night must be incredibly disruptive for her. I'd have thought that would be very overwhelming for a child of that age. Is there any way she can stay more consecutive nights at each house?
If her DM genuinely doesn't want to do too much with her and that is what's going on here, that's very strange. All you can really do is make sure she feels welcome and wanted at your house.

Unanananana · 14/05/2021 18:58

Does her mum work? Does your partner work? Does your partner 'spend time' with her as you believe her mother should be?

Every other night going between households sounds very stressful for a 5 year old. Probably contributes to her feeling like her mum doesn't spend time with her but as 5 year olds are not the most articulate creatures it may not be what she means. She could be saying the same thing to her DM about your partner?

Perhaps experience parenting before you judge others. You do sound so very smug.

nimbuscloud · 14/05/2021 19:08

@ Unanananana
Perhaps read the op’s post properly before you pass judgement.
The op says the child’s mother openly admits she doesn’t spend much time with her.

DroopyDaff · 14/05/2021 19:12

Do you mean taking her out of the house swimming or to the park or sitting at home reading or doing crafts? If it’s the former, maybe the Mum doesn’t want to do too with her DD when she’s home as the poor kid is probably exhausted from all the chopping and changing, going from one environment to another with different people in each one, with school on top which can be tiring for little ones.

Who instigated the every other night?

Unanananana · 14/05/2021 19:18

@nimbuscloud

@ Unanananana Perhaps read the op’s post properly before you pass judgement. The op says the child’s mother openly admits she doesn’t spend much time with her.
@nimbuscloud I can read but details are missing. Hence why I asked if mum is working? Perhaps she works shifts which when combined with the poor kid having to swap houses every night may be clouding the issue? Maybe the DD has to spend time with her stepdad rather than mum at the weekends because she is at work? OP hasn't answered that though. Nor the question on whether her partner works/spends time with DD.

Hard to judge what the OPs intentions are if she misses out such detail. Just wants us to validate her smugness.

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