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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get sad that stepdaughter’s mother doesn’t want to spend any time with her?

49 replies

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 17:29

First post on here of any kind so first of all, hey everyone!
I’m not really here in a hugely aggressive or negative way, if anything it makes me a bit sad, but just thought it would be interesting to get other peoples opinions on this situation as to me, it seems so bizarre!

So, I have a Step Daughter who is 5, and we have her every other night. (Side note, I personally feel it’s too much swapping and changing, but hey ho, nothing to do with me!) Although, frequently we will have her extra nights in the week (which we love!)
There are many occasions where DSD will say, and her Mum will openly say, that she hasn’t really spent any time with her over the weekend. She often does things with her stepdad also, without her Mum. I guess I just find it a bit strange to not want to spend any time with her??? Or maybe that’s just me!
Again, don’t mean this in an aggressive or massively attacking way, just interested to see your guys’ views on it?
Thanks!

OP posts:

VanillaSpiceCandle · 14/05/2021 19:43

@Unanananana I think you’re being really harsh. I don’t think the OP is smug at all. She hasn’t even directly criticised the child’s mother. What is wrong is the old trope of you don’t know anything if you’re not a mum. Most normal adults are aware of what’s generally good parenting and what’s not. Otherwise all social workers would have to be parents wouldn’t they...

@StepMummaLove I think take it with a pinch of salt from the child. Definitely more worrying the mum has said this though. I’d suggest swapping weekly so the child has more of a chance to relax in the house she’s at that week and it’ll probably give both parents a chance to do more things with her rather than wasting so much time changing houses.

Standrewsschool · 14/05/2021 19:49

I guess her mum isn’t playing Disney mum. Sometimes life gets in the way. Not everyone feels the needs to be doing something or to spend every minute of the day with their child.

Unanananana · 14/05/2021 20:04

Meh. No harsher than other posters. At least I've asked questions maybe find info that could easily change my mind.

The setup is crazy. Kid pushed between two houses and school every other day, poor wee thing? Not enough detail given about mum or dads work situation? What exactly was the OP expecting to read? Funny how they haven't been back or answered questions?

Jarstastic · 14/05/2021 20:12

I’d stay clear of this sort of talk. It’s never a good look. Criticising others never makes one look better.

itsgettingwierd · 14/05/2021 20:20

I think you've approached the every other day sensibly and recognised it's not your party so don't interfere.

However with a new sibling on the way it's a good time to suggest revisiting the arrangement for DSD benefit.

Start with opening the idea to your DH that dsd may prefer a few days one place and few another to feel involved with baby's and so you get whole weekends as a family and she doesn't feel excluded.

A good 50:50 can be 3 days one week and 4 the next but actually week one place and week another changing in the weds.

So Thursday-Sunday and then mon - weds

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 20:57

@Unanananana
Her Mum does work yes, gets home between 4/4:30pm each day. I also work, but only part time, and DP works and tends to get home around 5pm. None of us work weekends, aside from the odd day here and there from my DP, but he is lucky enough to have a say in which weekend days he works, if he has to, so he always picks the day/morning we don’t have DSD. Apologies, wasn’t sure how much detail to go into in the OP. It’s not so much a case of how much I believe she should be doing, as that’s not for me to comment on and I’m not that type of person and I don’t see this in that way.
We don’t do anything without each other. As in, when it comes to family things, we all go to the park, or all play, or we all go for a walk, or all take her to ‘football’, for example. I pick her up from school on our days, and that’s the only time she spends with just me, if that makes sense? In my opinion, her father is fantastic and spends great time with her. When I say that her Mum doesn’t, you’re right, I can only take what DSD says and what her mum herself openly says to us, but it’s not just the ‘fun’ things that they don’t seem to be doing together, she doesn’t do some of the other (in my eyes) very basic things.
I do apologise for coming across as smug as I do not mean to, and I do not feel anything near to smug about any of this. It’s not a nice situation.
I agree and I have tried to express that I don’t think every other night is good or healthy, but it’s not my opinion that matters or counts here as it is not up to me. Sorry if I have offended you in any way, as I said before, I just wanted a little more insight. I hope this has helped x

OP posts:

Unanananana · 14/05/2021 21:06

Thank you clarifying the work situation.

It sounds like her mum probably doesn't spend as much time with her as perhaps she should, but that is not for you to express an opinion on.

However, DSD is 5. And being pushed from pillar to post every day. All the adults need to decide whats in her best interest before the baby arrives to make for a smoother transition to something more sensible. I don't think many parents would think every other night in a different house is stability. Poor kid.

PicsInRed · 14/05/2021 21:14

OP, your partner has you to help with domestic chores and - as you said yourself - to help with his daughter. Her mother will almost certainly be working then coming home to do most or all of the domestic work herself, in addition to the mother's load. Ask yourself how often your partner cleans the toilet, bathroom, dusts and runs the vacuum around. Who makes the to do lists and makes sure they're done? It's you, right?

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 21:14

@AnneLovesGilbert it’s been in place for a few years now, it was a mutual agreement between them at the time, as she was younger and it seemed best as she got to see both frequently. Hope this helps x

OP posts:

Thefourbells · 14/05/2021 21:18

The other day my 5 year old told my dh that we hadn't done anything that day. We'd been swimming, to the park, had a picnic, baked cookies, gone shopping for new books and done a craft project together. Kids are like that!

CanofCant · 14/05/2021 21:19

@PicsInRed

Agree with this. Also, though your set up sounds lovely, does that mean DSD gets no time alone with her father and also that he doesn't do much solo parenting?

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 21:21

@Unanananana I’m glad it helped clarify, but as you say and I agree, I don’t wish to judge as it most definitely not my place to. It’s just a hard situation to be in when all you can do is stand by and watch (the routine included), and be there as best as I can for whatever is needed. It is a shame and I have tried to breech the subject again, especially as baby is on the way. That being said, it doesn’t make a difference if baby is on the way or not as it doesn’t change what is best for DSD. I care for her an awful lot and have been in her life since she was 1, and only want the best for her. Thanks for understanding x

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 14/05/2021 21:26

The first thing that strikes me is this poor girl is being passed between two houses every other night. There's no stability for her.
Also, what are the mothers circumstances.. Does she work? I work full time and i get 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening with my daughter but doesn't mean I don't wish I could see her more.
It all depends on the circumstances.

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 21:28

@PicsInRed I understand your view, and why you have taken it. Without going into too much needless detail, she doesn’t have the situation you’ve described, in the way of home life and ‘responsibilities’, although she does have some, it isn’t to the extent that you’ve described. But that’s not your fault, as you aren’t to know like I say it’s not my place to go into detail so I hope that’s okay.
We also don’t have that sort of setup, as I/we are very lucky that we have a reasonably (in my eyes) fair setup in the way of each having roles/chores we carry out. That being said I am most definitely the organiser like you say, but that’s just my personality as whole!

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 14/05/2021 21:29

Does your step daughter get any time with her father without you there?

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 21:34

@CanofCant he does, on occasions. I understand I didn’t explain that in the previous post regarding this, sorry! If I pop to see my parents, for example or a friend or have an appointment, and it is when we have DSD, then obviously he fulfils his role! He will also take her to the shops to pick a magazine after a good week of school. There have also been times where I have gone and done the food shop, for example on a weekend instead, so they have some Daddy Daughter time, as I see this as just as important as whole family time. Admittedly, it doesn’t happened every weekend, and maybe it’s not for large chunks of time. So on this point too, I would be open to your opinion on wether they should have more daddy daughter time?x

OP posts:

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 14/05/2021 21:40

@Pebbledashery I too agree, there is a lack of stability.
She does work yes, I have explained everyone’s working situations in an earlier post, and she gets home around 4/4:30pm. I really do feel for you only getting that much time and it must be hard and I can imagine you wish you had much more time day to day. I also understand and believe that your situation is not an irregular one, though not one her Mum is in x

OP posts:

AliceMcK · 14/05/2021 21:41

I think if you are having a baby with your DP you should definitely be able to have some say in the arrangement. I would talk to your DP and use having a new baby coming as an excuse to change things, say with the baby on the way that you think there should be a better routine in place, not just for you and baby but for your DSD too. Babies need routine and it will be good for your DSD to be in a better one. What happens if every night she stays you seem to be having a bad night with baby and are always tired she won’t understand your tired and cranky because of being a new parent she may feel it’s because of her. Maybe if she is at your home for more consecutive days she will see that if you are cranky it’s not just because she is there. She will also be able to spend time and bond with baby better, be involved in being a big sister as if she’s just flitting in and out she may not feel as involved.

I 100% believe step parents have a right to a say when it comes to living arrangements as it effects them too. I get the final say is between the parents but that dosnt mean step parents just have to suck it up.

It honestly sounds like the child would be better off living with you and your DP and spending times with her mother, maybe should would appreciate her child more.

CanofCant · 14/05/2021 21:42

I would think so yes, not only for DSD's sake but also to enable your partner to parent more independently and benefit you for when you are getting to grips with a newborn. I've read so many posts on here by women that have been left struggling to adapt with a baby whilst their partner expects them to continue with DSC's childcare and school runs etc.

toocold54 · 14/05/2021 21:43

YANBU I never understand why some parents mums or dads don’t want more time with their DCs often they have them every other weekend and are happy with it.

I would see if she can do one week at yours and one week at her mums though as every other day is a bit tiring. Failing that seeing as she’s at yours for more of the week could you have her during the week and she go to her mums at the weekend only?

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2021 21:51

[quote StepMummaLove]@Unanananana
Her Mum does work yes, gets home between 4/4:30pm each day. I also work, but only part time, and DP works and tends to get home around 5pm. None of us work weekends, aside from the odd day here and there from my DP, but he is lucky enough to have a say in which weekend days he works, if he has to, so he always picks the day/morning we don’t have DSD. Apologies, wasn’t sure how much detail to go into in the OP. It’s not so much a case of how much I believe she should be doing, as that’s not for me to comment on and I’m not that type of person and I don’t see this in that way.
We don’t do anything without each other. As in, when it comes to family things, we all go to the park, or all play, or we all go for a walk, or all take her to ‘football’, for example. I pick her up from school on our days, and that’s the only time she spends with just me, if that makes sense? In my opinion, her father is fantastic and spends great time with her. When I say that her Mum doesn’t, you’re right, I can only take what DSD says and what her mum herself openly says to us, but it’s not just the ‘fun’ things that they don’t seem to be doing together, she doesn’t do some of the other (in my eyes) very basic things.
I do apologise for coming across as smug as I do not mean to, and I do not feel anything near to smug about any of this. It’s not a nice situation.
I agree and I have tried to express that I don’t think every other night is good or healthy, but it’s not my opinion that matters or counts here as it is not up to me. Sorry if I have offended you in any way, as I said before, I just wanted a little more insight. I hope this has helped x[/quote]
We don’t do anything without each other. As in, when it comes to family things, we all go to the park, or all play, or we all go for a walk, or all take her to ‘football’, for example. I pick her up from school on our days, and that’s the only time she spends with just me, if that makes sense? In my opinion, her father is fantastic and spends great time with her.

But the 'great time' is never without you.

I think they need more father/daughter time especially since there's a baby on the way.

Pebbledashery · 14/05/2021 22:12

I think you have a say because you're having a baby with your partner and therefore a sibling to his daughter. The every other night arrangement is unhealthy.. This poor girl must feel so neglected and doesn't know if she's coming and going. She needs half the week at each parents, 3/4 alternate pattern.. And at least half a day just daddy and daughter time.. You seem very caring but she is probably feeling neglected at the moment and her dad needs to take ownership and make her feel wanted. He needs to put his daughter first to be honest.

Newmumatlast · 14/05/2021 22:48

[quote StepMummaLove]@ghostyslovesheets
No I don’t, currently 12 weeks with my first though Hence, why I posted to get a general idea of people with children’s views. Sorry should have made that clear in OP. X[/quote]
Don't apologise. It shouldn't matter if you have children or not. You are still an intelligent person with a brain and can have an informed opinion. This used to irk me as a step mum though, being asked if I had kids as if my opinion would be invalid without them. Especially annoying when I had a step child and some people making those sorts of comments who had kids had actually been parenting for a shorter time. I now do and my opinions are basically the same :)

Original poster

StepMummaLove · 15/05/2021 18:26

Thanks everyone for your replies, it’s been eye opening and interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts x

OP posts:

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