AIBU to want my flowers!?

[BraveGoldie]

Little dilemma!

I was approached by an organisation to give them some online training in my expert area. Involved about a day of my time. And is something my normal clients would pay a lot of money for. They said they had budget to pay me, but they are a big global organisation that work in a social area I wanted to support (though they are not actually a charity). It's not an area I am particularly passionate about and would seek out to help, but it's worthwhile. I am also employed, and they are not an official client, so charging becomes complicated logistically, though possible. But mainly because they contribute in some way towards a worthy cause, I said no need for payment, but if they wanted to send some flowers after that would be lovely. Organiser said that was very kind of me.

I ran whole thing for them and it went very well. It was actually at a busy time for me, with lots of other commitments, but I put full energy into it to deliver something really quality. They expressed a lot of gratitude. But haven't asked for my address and no sign of flowers. 😔

On one hand I feel silly and petty - I obviously didn't do all that work just to get flowers. I could just go buy flowers for myself. On the other hand I feel a little bit exploited. They got something big and valuable for their whole exec team, I know they have plenty of budget and they haven't done the one thing I indicated would give me a little bit of personal pleasure. They probably just forgot.

Organiser has written asking me to share a summary takeaway document of the training. I will of course share that back with them.... but is there a nice way I can hint at the flowers without sounding petty? Or do I just move on and not be silly?

Thank you!

I think the email suggestion from someone above sounds perfect. !

I think North's message is perfect for dealing with this situation. I have been in a similar situation, but somewhat easier to chase as I'd asked for a donation to a particular charity.

To those saying FGS invoice them - yes, in one sense that's right, but as OP says, if you're employed elsewhere then it becomes more complicated and could be a breach of your contract.

No, I would not be demanding 'my flowers.' As a few posters have said, it's a bit odd.

Offering to do anything for free is pretty daft though tbh. I mean, would a plumber, brickie, carpenter, mechanic etc do anything for free? Would they hell.

I don't know what your area of expertise is @BraveGoldie but I am betting it's something typically 'female.' Because quite often, it's service from 'typically female professions' that some people think they should get for free.

Move on, don't demand the flowers, and don't offer your services free-of-charge again. Maybe a discount (for non profit making organisations,) but not FREE.

They have used you, and taken the piss. Sorry, but they really have. You can bet that the people at the top of that charity, never do anything for free,

No way would I be mentioning flowers - I think it would make you seem grabby. However, in future you should charge properly for your time.

I wouldn’t chase the flowers as I agree it’s a bit cringe and they probably put it in the “buy me a drink” category.

I would however let them know the usual price for the training should they want a re-run in future and ask them an appropriate person can do a blurb on LinkedIn.

Sorry this sounds ridiculous. don't go back and ask for the flowers.it will make you look silly. why would you do it for free?

If you were happy to donate your services for free I'd leave it but wouldn't waste my time sending them the summary.

Alternatively you can send the document and issue an invoice with a discount included as a gesture of goodwill.

If they raise that you said you'd do it for free you can say that you said you'd accept flowers in thanks but as this has not been forthcoming you have reverted to normal commercial terms. Teach them to be so rude and ungrateful.

I think they've been cheeky fuckers, no doubt. But the flowers would have absolutely no positive meaning or value to you unless they arrive unprompted and out of gratitude or as a thoughtful gesture. A shame if no one thinks of sending you something (could they have obtained your address elsewhere), but I definitely wouldn't mention it.

I can’t ever imagine a man asking for a bunch of flowers instead of payment in return for his time.

Sounds a bit odd. If you can't charge via your employer, next time suggest they donate the equivalent of your fee to a charity that you or they support or care about. Working for nothing means that they won't actually respect you or your work.

I think you have done yourself over on this one.
You should have charged them properly, by the way you have written your first post it’s sounds like you said ‘if you want then buy me flowers’. Obviously they don’t want to and probably didn’t think you were being serious. We use lines like that in my work place ie ‘don’t worry buy me a drink when I see you’ etc. They don’t send me a drink!

I would not be chasing for flowers.

Big lesson to be learnt here make sure you charge for your time in future and then buy your own flowers.

Thanks everyone for all the views.

In terms of why I wouldn't charge, I am really lucky to have a really good salary and at a point in my career when I've achieved what I need to. Have no need for promotion or referrals or anything else.... and the main thing I am missing is a sense of meaning. I have been trying to find ways to feel that what I do helps people I want to help. So it felt like a nice opportunity to use my skills outside a purely commercial setting. A lot of the volunteering I do is for people or organizations who are really struggling and I wouldn't dream of expecting anything in return. But as these guys are not really on that level and said they had budget, I thought some small gesture of thanks would be nice.

The flowers were not of course a substitute for payment. But a gentle indication of something that would make me happy as a way to say thank you (I try not to drink or eat too much chocolate!😆)... so I guess I'm just a bit sad they didn't bother. They know full well the commercial value of what they received because they know my role and the company I work for.

I think this does raise a lot of issues about being women, valuing ourselves etc.... I am very very empowered in some ways, and am active in a lot of feminist issues.....but I also agree with you that very few men would get themselves into this kind of situation.

We continue to live and learn. 😳🙂

it’s like saying “buy me a drink sometime”. It’s a way of saying no payment necessary
I agree with this. And professionally it would look really toe-curling if you asked for them or hinted at being sent some.
In future I think you need to make a decision either to charge your normal rate (or you could have a 'charity' or 'concessionary' special rate), or just do it for free with no strings attached.

Now go buy yourself a nice bunch of flowers @BraveGoldie

@Bluntness100

It’s a bit cringe in a professional context to be chasing for flowers. I suspect the person you spoke to didnt actually think you wanted flowers and were just being nice, it’s like saying “buy me a drink sometime”. It’s a way of saying no payment necessary

To be honest, I find it a bit odd you want flowers this much.

This. If you are a professional and they were willing to pay then then why did you not charge them?

I like the idea of getting a donation to charity. I have done that for some other things.....

Ok - I sent them the follow up stuff they wanted, with no cringy mention of flowers....

I will go buy myself some!

Are they able to buy flowers within their processes?

@BrilliantBetty

They probably thought you were joking about the flowers...

Just what I thought. What a very strange thing to ask for.

Reading through the thread I was hoping you weren't going to listen to the advice that it was petty and not ask.

My advice would have been to ask for the flowers. It is what you asked for, it doesn't matter what it was. If a man had said 'bottle of whiskey' you can bet he'd have got it. There is nothing wrong with being assertive and saying 'this was the deal and I meant it'.

I appreciate that you don't need the money (what a lovely position to be in!). However, as PPs have already indicated, by not charging them anything, you are underselling yourself, and they won't accurately appreciate the time, effort and expertise you have put into your training.

I agree with PPs that asking for flowers now would be awkward, as they indeed will have taken it as a jokey remark. However, for future purposes, why don't you just charge them what you would normally charge and then donate that sum to a charity of your choosing? At the moment, lots of charities are losing government funding, and would be very happy with an unexpected contribution. You could 'do good', and simultaneously wouldn't be professionally devalued.

Just going against the grain here. I really like the draft email a PP wrote above. And I can see a man saying “don’t worry about payment, but I’m partial to a bottle of X and would happily take one” or something. But I work in a very clienty-lux environment so this would be standard. We send flowers and booze all the time to say thank you.

Yeahhh it is a bit that kind of world..... we send people these kind of gifts after an event even when we pay them often!

And your right I think if a guy said - you don't need to pay me but I'm partial to a bottle of X, he would have got it.

Very strange that you would ask for flowers in a professional context. They may have been unsure if you were joking or not.

I think you should ask for the flowers. It's a way of valuing yourself, it's what you wanted and asked for, and they agreed! Nothing wrong with that.

I would write an email saying how glad you are that they were pleased with your work, and how happy you were to be able to help. X contact very kindly agreed to send flowers in lieu of any form of payment, but you've noticed they've not yet arrived? Your address is Y. Thank you so much, you love flowers and that's very thoughtful. Of course you will send the follow up stuff and it will be with them on Z.

And he probably wouldn't have hesitated to send a 'where's my bottle of X?' Text if it wasn't forthcoming!