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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SC and DC birthday celebration

30 replies

HeidiHillhouse · 14/05/2021 10:09

It’s DC birthday soon, not many friends as groups haven’t been on and not yet at nursery.

Instead of a birthday party, I was planning on taking DC to the zoo or something.

SC isn’t here on DC birthday. DH wants me to wait and take DC out when SC is here which is nearly 2 weeks after DC birthday which, to me, sort of defeats the object.

Am I being unreasonable?

SC is included in everything when with us and DC isn’t involved is SC birthday stuff with mum (never here on birthday).

We can’t have SC for DC birthday due to school and distance.

What would you do?

OP posts:
AnUnoriginalUsername · 14/05/2021 10:13

No your DC shouldn't have to rearrange their birthday to fit in with SC. It might be nice to start having little celebrations on the closest weekends to both birthdays but I would absolutely celebrate DC on their actual birthday.

AphroditeGoddessOfLove · 14/05/2021 10:18

YANBU if I had had to wait for my step sister to celebrate my birthday while never celebrating hers with her I'd be so annoyed and we get on well! Don't start setting that precedent now.

Everyday21 · 14/05/2021 10:20

Yanbu. Your DC shouldn't have to wait that long

mamas12 · 14/05/2021 10:21

Go to the zoo
Then do another thing with sc
Everyone happy

mainsfed · 14/05/2021 10:22

YANBU. 2 weeks is ridiculous, it won't feel their birthday at all.

DH can take them all to a zoo another time.

Jumpingintosummer · 14/05/2021 10:25

It would be a horrible prescience to start.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 14/05/2021 10:27

Surely you just do two things. Zoo trip on birthday and something else including cake when SC is visiting?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 14/05/2021 10:28

How old is your DC? If they’re turning 1 then the trip to the zoo isn’t really for them but for you so I think you should wait. If they’re older then take your DC on their birthday. Or could you ask whether you can have your SC on that day as extra?

Spied · 14/05/2021 10:32

I'd go to the bloody zoo in my child's Birthday.
DH can take you all to the zoo again with dsc at a later date if he so wishes.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2021 10:34

Let DH take them both next time.
Take DC for their birthday on their birthday.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2021 10:36

Is he the dad of both DC?

Either way he’s being ridiculous. Have you asked him why he doesn’t think DC should have a celebration on birthday? That’s what he’s saying. That this child’s birthday isn’t worth making a fuss of in their own right. I’d be livid.

NickyHeath · 14/05/2021 10:40

How old is the child?

mainsfed · 14/05/2021 10:43

Even if OP's DC is 1yo she should be able to take her own bloody child to the zoo if she wants to!

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 14/05/2021 10:43

Absolutely not.

It doesn't matter how old they are, that line needs drawing in the sand before an expectation is formed that their birthday isn't as important as their half / step siblings. Just no! 😳

AmyLou100 · 14/05/2021 10:45

Absolutely NOT! Don't even get into any discussion about this. He can arrange something when his child is there but your DC should not have to celebrate their birthday at another date. What is that telling you?? He is placing his child way before yours.

NickyHeath · 14/05/2021 10:47

@AmyLou100

Absolutely NOT! Don't even get into any discussion about this. He can arrange something when his child is there but your DC should not have to celebrate their birthday at another date. What is that telling you?? He is placing his child way before yours.
They are both his children, though? He's not placing his child above the OP's child, he's saying, "birthdays are family occasions, let's celebrate with a big day trip out when the child's half sibling can be here."
Poptart4 · 14/05/2021 10:51

Your DH is being very unreasonable and I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that your child's life will not be put on hold or revolve around her siblings just to ease the guilt he obviously feels for not being with SC full time.

This is a bad precedent to start. Does he really expect you to never do anything unless SC is there? Ridiculous

VodkaSlimline · 14/05/2021 11:00

If DC is pre-nursery they are not going to know or care when their actual birthday is vs. when it's celebrated... if going to the zoo would be a big deal/special treat for SC then I would wait for them, otherwise I'd go ahead and do something else a bit special next time SC visits.

VodkaSlimline · 14/05/2021 11:02

That said, if your DC was older I wouldn't make them wait 2 weeks for a visit from their half-sibling to celebrate their own birthday. But at the moment you have a toddler DC who won't know the difference, or care, and a school-age SC who probably will (has anyone asked SC how they feel or is this just DH feeling guilty and making assumptions?).

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2021 11:05

They are both his children, though? He's not placing his child above the OP's child, he's saying, "birthdays are family occasions, let's celebrate with a big day trip out when the child's half sibling can be here."

Yes he is. He’s literally saying the younger child’s birthday celebration isn’t worth doing without the older child present. So one child can have fuss on their day, and presumably get days out with their mum, but the other one can’t and doesn’t get to do things with their mum unless their half sibling is around.

That’s not fair or equal. It’s depriving the resident child of a normal childhood because through no fault of their own they have a half sibling who lives elsewhere and dad doesn’t think they matter on their own.

Ridiculous, dangerous, damaging. And the perfect set up to create resentment in future.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2021 11:10

It doesn’t matter how old the child is! This might be OP’s first child and early birthdays are as much for the parents. DD has missed a decent knees up for her first two birthdays thanks to covid but she’s enjoyed what we’ve managed to rustle up anyway and as her mum, for DH and I as both her parents, have marked the days for us as much as for her. He wouldn’t have dreamt of postponing because his older DC couldn’t be there. One year it fell on a day we had them so we had a birthday meal and cake, the other it was a week day when they weren’t and we then also had a bit of a thing a few days later when they were here.

Our DD is a person in her own right, not a crappy extension of her older half siblings. We celebrate her as such on special days, as we celebrate my DSC.

BrumBoo · 14/05/2021 11:11

If the child was older (that being your child with your husband), I'd say just go to the Zoo and it's just a bit tough luck. However, at this age waiting 2 weeks isn't really a big deal. The baby won't know it's their birthday, remember the zoo or care for much in general bar being out and about. It's very much a 'making memories' experience for you, it might be nice to share that with stepchild as well. Or not, I don't think you're a horror stepmother for saying no either.

There probably will be instances like this in future though, and if you want to draw a line now - that you can't always put one child's experiences on hold for the other - then that's not wrong at all.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 14/05/2021 11:13

Does SC wait for birthday celebrations to be done with your dc? I doubt it.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/05/2021 11:14

If you were doing a weekend either side and they'd be there for one and not the other, yes it's reasonable to include them. But given you see SC so little of course your child should get their birthday treat on their birthday.

Tell him you're taking them but of course you're excited for HIM to organise something when SC is there to celebrate DcS birthday

AmyLou100 · 14/05/2021 11:14

If DC is pre-nursery they are not going to know or care when their actual birthday is vs. when it's celebrated... if going to the zoo would be a big deal/special treat for SC then I would wait for them, otherwise I'd go ahead and do something else a bit special next time SC visits.

Don't do this. You will be setting the tone of making this acceptable. What happens in a few years when your DC is old enough to know? What happens to the expectation you have now created with your SC? I think its very wrong to this on the knowledge that your DC wont know - very deceiving.