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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being totally unreasonable about the way DH is behaing towards me...................

27 replies

mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 22:26

I have name changed recently, partly out of embarrassment and partly out of fun.

I have had a problem with my bladder since June after a simple op etc. At first I needed a catheter full time, gradually it became occasionally, where is now I am!

I leak (wet myself most days - if I am lucky twice if unlucky as much as 7 times a day!

I have always been clear at night! Until these last couple of weeks when I have wet the bed 3 times. Last night was the 1st time I admitted that this had happened to my DH(we have been married for nearly 16 yrs). Part of me wants to scream"whats your problem!" He was very ignorant this morning- he just grunted at me!

But then part of me all ready knows that he cant cope with illness or anything else!

He looked at me this morning as if I were really dirty! It really upset me big time!
He didn't once say to me - Are you OK

He just expected that the bed be readily made for him this evening ( although I had been at work all day too, and done dinner and dance and whilst he was at swimming with DD3 I still managed to bathe DD2 and hair wash and cook a meal for both of us etc.

Sorry rant over!

OP posts:
Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 22:39

Basically he is ignoring me big time. He couldn't bring himself to kiss me this morning!(he normally does this every morning!) And since he has been home I don't think we have had more than a grunt of a conversation. And then to top it all he decides at 9pm to go to bed!!!!!!!!!!!! He never goes to bed at 9 !

What is he playing at, I honestly (Hand on heart do not wet the bed on purpose!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OP posts:
NotGaggingForIt · 15/11/2007 22:41

how distressing for you. do you maybe need more surgery or exercises?

RosaLuxMundi · 15/11/2007 22:41

He sounds very unsupportive. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

wrinklytum · 15/11/2007 22:47

Oh MMM XXX

I think men are very good at burying their head in the sand.Maybe he doesn't know what to say.Can you sit him down and explain how much this issue is distressing you,and his negative attitude?

On a practical note(and I really do not mean to come across as a patronising arse)have you seen your GP re continence?Are you under a gynae/urologist?

My Mum had continence probs due to a chronic illness and was greatly helped by a urology specialist nurse and continence clinic and did this bladder retraining stuff.It may be worth a try.

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 22:48

YES! have many a time. Have more tests with consultant on Thursday of next week, but DH just does not do anything other than sickness!

He does not understand - he is very very intelligent, but unfortunately has no common sense! literally! He is a good Dad!

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 15/11/2007 22:52

Poor you. I'd be upset too. Was he supportive when you had your operation? has he been aware that you've had problems since?What does the doctor say about all this?

PeachesMcLean · 15/11/2007 22:53

sorry, x post

hertsnessex · 15/11/2007 22:54

oh MMM, im so sorry to hear his. blokes can be tw*ts at times, im sure he doesnt realise (or want to realise) how serious this is. i think maybe a letter to him, if he wont.cant talk to you. maybe then he will realise how much this affects YOU, not jsut him, but YOU.

cx

wrinklytum · 15/11/2007 22:55

Can you be very blunt and just say look,I am really struggling here,and need to talk about this.I know you don't like illness but this is getting me really down and you are making me feel worse.I feel that you aren't being very supportive.Or print off this thread

Hope that the consultant can help.

Good luck xx

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 22:57

Yes he has been VERY aware of what has happened to me, I have been in and out of hospital like a yo yo! literally! DH can not cope with things out of the blue, it may be possible that this is my life to come????????????????? Who knows? DH would rather stick his head in the sand and pretend it is not happening! In a nut shell he would rather know what NOT is happening!

OP posts:
Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 23:02

The Specialist Nurse has actually spoken to him, he answered all the right questions etc, until I got home and then things changed! It made me look like a liar, he agreed to everything that the Nurse had said! - Luckily for me I had already spoken to the Nurse and explained to her his problem (not sure at the time she believed me but she does now- PHEW) But when It came to me coming home he was horrid!

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 15/11/2007 23:10

Oh dear.Some people really cannot cope with illness.(My dad is similar,when mum had a major op he was of the total bury head in sand mentality)I am sure he does care but just doesn't have a clue how to deal with it and is scared and upset to see what you are going through,but is unable to put it into words,so it comes out as indifference.I bet you are the practical organising one in your relationship,sounds very like my parents!!!As another poster has suggested,could you put it down in writing,send him a letter?Barmy as it sounds maybe it would be easier for him to read what you are going through?

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 23:13

Who knows but it is worth a try!

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 15/11/2007 23:15

So the nurse understands his problem. Can she have a word with him about what you're going through? Someone needs to tell him that he needs to pull himself together and support you.

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 23:18

She tried , his Mother tried, he is just (unfortunately to ignorant to believe!) Honestly in his life everything is black or white, there is no in between!

OP posts:
Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 23:20

To be honest, I think he is having a mid life crisis! I keep waiting for him to come home from work and want a MOTORBIKE!

OP posts:
NotGaggingForIt · 15/11/2007 23:24

(not trying to be funny but i saw a great ad for incontinence pads with a photo of a dishy older man on a big fancy motorbike!)

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 15/11/2007 23:27

LOL, I think I shall wait and then show DH!!!! Thanks! bless him he is only 39 (and I am younger than him!)

OP posts:
fortyplus · 15/11/2007 23:31

I suppose if you try to be objective, we all want our dps (male or female) to be fit & healthy so he's probably really worried about what life has in store. I mean - wetting the bed is really crap for you, but I guess it's not a bundle of laughs for him, either.

Could you get a supply of adult nappies to avoid the practical problems until you get sorted out?

I feel really sorry for you - it's a shame your dp is blocking the problem instead of trying to be supportive.

Keep smiling if you can - you will probably find that you can have physiotherapy that will help.

NotGaggingForIt · 15/11/2007 23:37

yeah, wait till he's an incontinent old man and you're the one on the motorbike, then he'll wish he'd been more understanding!

madamez · 15/11/2007 23:40

Sympathies to you as this is a miserable problem, but I don;t think your DP is behaving like this out of malice or indifference - it's more likely to be sheer squeamishness. An awful lot of people have problems actually dealing with anything 'toilety' - it's either excruciatinly embarrassing or the subject of jokes. Agree with the posters who suggested getting the nurse (or someone else he listens to) to have a word with him.

geekymummy · 16/11/2007 12:30

Grrr he needs to be reminded, the deal was "in sickness and in health". How horrible this must be for you! I hope he gets his act together for you soon.

fireflyfairy2 · 16/11/2007 20:20

TBH if he can't accept the problem, he's not going to accept her getting into bed with adult sized nappies on

Is there any chance of seperate beds for a wee while, just until you get over this stage??

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 16/11/2007 21:34

LOL FF2!

I already wear the large super absorbent adult nappies during the day! Because I was clear during the night didn't need to wear them (did at the beginning but after a couple of weeks and no accidents stopped using them!) I really didn't want to start wearing them again but I think I will have to. I am just so fed up with all of this, just wish it would stop!

OP posts:
catsmother · 16/11/2007 22:32

You poor thing .... I hope things are sorted for you very soon.

I appreciate some people find illness difficult and/or are squeamish but really, he's being cruel making you feel dirty and ashamed about this. It's not as if anyone would do it on purpose.

Sound as if you have a good relationship with his mum if you can confide in her about it. Given that her entreaties to him so far to be sympathetic (which, BTW, makes me really angry - a grown man having to be told how to behave with compassion towards his wife by his mother) have fallen on deaf ears (plus the futile attempts by the nurse) maybe it's about time he got a virtual (or literal, if you think it'd help) kick up the backside !

Someone needs to tell him to stop being so pathetically cruel and if he doesn't like it, to spare a thought for you, who must feel terrible about something you have no control over. He needs to know - in no uncertain terms - that he is very lucky he's not suffering from an embarrassing complaint and to count his blessings. If he doesn't like sharing your bed he can sod off and sleep on the sofa till he grows up.

Making you feel awful, treating you like a leper ..... how dare he ? I refuse to accept he has a genuine phobia about this as it wouldn't explain his reaction to you the following morning. His attitude smacked of punishing you - and that to me is bullying.