to tell on my sister?

[ClaphamLauren]

This evening I'm baby sitting for my siblings (Bro 8 and Sis 14). I rather naughtily read my sisters MSN conversations and got from them that she is planning to bunk off school tomorrow and go to Brighton (we're in Surrey) and then tomorrow night when she gets back that she is going to go out and get drunk!

I don't know whether I should talk to her about it or just tell my parents so they can stop her going by dropping her into school etc?

Advice please ladies. (I found out yesterday I'm having a baby girl and this stroppy teenage example of a girl makes me FAR less excited and enthusiastic than I was hehe)

to the op.
talk to her. big sisters have to guide little sisters.

i personally don't think 14 is that young to be having sex as long as you are being responsible about it and using condoms plus maybe some other form of contraception.

oops wrong thread, although still relevant

But nappyaddict aren't you 18 with toddler in tow, so what might seem normal for you is distinctly undesirable to most people. There's such a huge difference between a 14 year old and a 16 year old, which is why it's ILLEGAL to have sex with someone of 14.

God, am I glad not to have a daughter!

I am 19 so only 5 years older than 14 which i agree isn't a lot older. But I would hate to think when I am 34 I change my views, cos that would be rather hypocritical of me.

I lost my virginity at 14 to someone I was totally in love with and still was up until very recently (but that's a whole other story) It wasn't a spur of the moment teenage thing.

I think people don't give teenagers enough credit. I got laughed at by my parents when I announced I was in love at 14. They told me I couldn't possibly know what love was and made me feel very stupid. 4 years later I was still in love with that person so I think they were pretty wrong.

If my 14 year old told me she was going to have sex with her boyfriend I would fully support it. I would much sooner they did it in a safe envrionment than up some dark alleyway.

Oh I would like to add i have changed my views on one thing though. I almost lost my virginity to someone completley different. I got drunk at a house party and my friend found me at the bottom of the garden with one of the boys who was undressing me. To this day I don't actually know the truth of what happened and I always said I didn't regret it or wish it hadn't happened. Then I fell in love with this other boy who wasn't interested for ages. He finally fell for me and we slept together. I had waited so long and it was that amazing I cried. I realised I was partly crying cos it had made me realise that I hoped I hadn't thrown away my first time on getting wasted at a party cos it had felt so special and if i had it would be a huge regret. Am glad in a way I don't know and have convinced myself it couldn't have happened because surely I would know. Sorry for the rambling ....

Oh and I'd like to add I've only ever since got so drunk I had no idea what I was doing once. In fact that night scared me so much I couldn't even look at a bottle of vodka for 3 years let alone drink any!!

The thing is, nappyaddict, that when you are 14 you think that your parents are idiots and you know everything.

By the time you are 34 you will have a great deal more experience of life and will realise that 'love' isn't having the hots for a boy who isn't showing any interest.

By the time you are that age you will be able to look back and realise that the 14 year olds having sex weren't the cool, grown-up ones, they were they ones desperate for affection and attention because of their low self esteem.

Sorry if that sounds patronising - it's the age old story - your parents really were right.

I know a number of people who lost their virginity at an early age, and without exception they regret it now. Fortunately none of them ended up with a kid in tow as a teenager.

Got to agree with nappyaddict here (despite being a decade plus older than her). If the OP's sister feels she is ready and mature enough to have sex, then it is worth perceiving her as (part) adult, if only in order to make her feel equal when/if this is addressed. I lost my virginity quite young too and although I cringe when I think back at it, I recognise that the physical urges really did exist and I wasn't bullied or pressured in to it. And I wasn't a slapper or out to impress my friends!

To the OP, I would talk with your sister 'as a sister' not as a future mother. If you stop her going out this week she will arrange it more secretly next time. She will need to get it out of her system. It's what teenagers do. But maybe pep-talk her about safety - give her a few scare stories and tell her she can call on you for help if she needs it.

I lost my virginity at a young age to someone who I was "in love" with and was with for four years, however, looking back I would much rather have waited until I was 16 at least! I just want her to value herself enough to say no. With hindsight, the cool girls were the ones who held out...

Anyway, I spoke to my Mum this morning and she is taking her to school this morning and is then going to speak to her tonight. Our main worry is contraception as it's impossible to stop her having sex if that's what she wants to do apart from grounding her forever which whilst is a nice idea in theory isn't very practicable.

To the OP. I am glad you spoke to your Stepdad about it. She is only fourteen and her safety is the most important thing -- she won't like it, will probably hate you for a while for grassing on her, but the alternative scenario were something to happen to her does not bear thinking about.
I am now 32. When i was fourteen, i knew of no other girl who thought their parents knew what they were talking about. We all felt the "love" we were feeling then towards a boy was the real thing (and maybe in the rare case it was). BUT, you do realise over time that Love isn't so much about the intensity of your feelings towards a person, it is actually a commitment, a decision you make everyday that this person, (and that person might change over time - get fatter, get thinner, get sick, etc) - is the person you choose to build a life with.
ok, i'll stop now, even i'm making myself a bit sick now!

ClaphamLauren - you've done the sensible thing.

'With hindsight, the cool girls were the ones who held out...' is exactly the point I was making. If she is having sex already then of course you won't stop her - the physical urges are very real at that age, which is what makes it so difficult to wait. Unfortunately we live in bodies that evolved tens of thousands of years ago when you had to hurry up and reproduce because you'd be eaten by a lion by the time you were 20! Raging hormones have a lot to answer for!

My parents weren't right. I was in love with him and I refuse to let you or them tell me otherwise. It took me a long time to get over him and it was only this summer that I felt able to even contemplate being with anyone else. Unfortunately it didn't work out. I know a few people who have been with their partners since they were young (14/15) and they are still together now in their 20s and 30s. It's not all puppy love at that age you know.

All you are going to end up doing by telling her she is not to do it is push her away and make her do it behind your back. It will also mean that god forbid she does get pregnant or an STD she may not ask for help.

You need to tell your parents and bugger your sisters reaction. Look at the news this week there are killers out there and if something happend and you did not tell your parents how would you feel and how would they feel towards you.

Anyway your sister is a little madam and needs bringing back into line sex and alcohol are illegal to her and for good reason.

Think you have done the sensible thing. Even if your little sister is cross for you for a little while, in almost all cases it will wash over and be forgotten about. TBH leaving the MSN conversion window open knowing you were likely to see it might have been part of her act anyway - she may have inadvertenly wanted you to see it.

At least you know you have done what you can to keep her safe. And I think it is def the right thing to do, esp as you don't want to eb seen condoning bunking of schoola nd underage drinking.

I think the sex with her boyfriend is another thing. Sadly now she has had sex chances are it isn't going to stop, at least not whilst she is with this boyfriend. I personally think 14 is way too young. having been a secondary school teacher for 9 years I have still not come across ANY 14 year old child who are really mature enough to be having sex and accepting any of the responsibilities and consequences that can come from that. But anyway, now you know she is having sex someone does need to speak to her - and be very open and honest about it. You need to discuss contraception and values with her.

I have Tuesday off of work so have offered to go to the family planning clinic with her and then go out for something to eat afterwards. It's difficult to try and be responsible without completely alienating her!

Respect to ClaphamLauren, I think you have handled this very sensible and with great wisdom and maturity. Your little sister is lucky to have you around. It makes the world of difference to have a sensible grown up (who cares like you do) to lead the way, especially one who is not so extremely much older....

My sister is only 5 years older than me and even to this day I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling cos I can't trust her not to tell my mum. She's lucky to have you around.

nappyaddict - you're right that not all teenage relationships are puppy love. I know a good few couples who lasted for a long time since high school.

OTOH, I know far too many young women who have fallen for lines from boys (including myself) and given so much of themselves (physically and emotionally) when this wasn't reciprocated. A lot of young people are unduly influenced by a lot of today's music which encourage non-commital sex (eg 50 Cent "I'm into sex I ain't into makin' love"). Heck I know some women in their twenties who have felt pressure to have sex too soon in the relationship to keep a man around, rather than because it really was their choice.

OP - I think it would be worth having several conversations with your sister. Let her know how special she is, that it's okay not to have sex, to really think about what she wants and deserves. You said she's only been with her boyfriend 2 months - try to get a feel for how her boyfriend is toward her...is their relationship acknowledged openly among her peers, for example? Is sex the main emphasis? Does he treat her well overall?

Whilst I would have hated my big sis to tell me what to do like my mother, I would have loved someone to be blunt about relationships and that I was worth much more than being a sexual experiment to some boy, that one doesn't have to give in to every hormonal urge, and that I could talk to her about anything and be listened to respectfully, even if we disagreed. Good luck!

With respect Nappyaddict, you're still only 19, even though you have kids. I went out with someone for 4 years when I was 16-20, and even though I really did love him, in hindsight, it was absolutely mad for us to be thinking about marriage and kids at that age. Teenagers think they are more mature than they are and are usually desperate to rush into 'being grownups'. Damn silly idea, stay young and carefree as long as you can!

CL, perhaps your sister wanted someone to find her MSM chat, as a cry for help because she's out of her depth. If she just said no to her friends or boyfriend, she'd be uncool. But if she got found out and grounded, well, it's her parents that are uncool, iyswim. I know that if I'd had a conversation like that at her age, no way would I have left the computer before it was well and truly deleted.

Well done for taking her to the clinic. Could you also have a chat with her about making sure that having sex is something she really wants to do, rather than being pressured? I guess early sex is OK as long as it truly is her own decision. Drinking, on the other hand, is just stupid. Please try to scare her out of that. You're in a great position as big sister rather than mum, she might be more inclined to listen to you. Make sure you complain loudly about all your pregnancy woes whenever she's around too!!!

See I know plenty of people who have had long term realtionships from the age of 14 and then thought about having kids when they were 18 and got married and bought a house and have very lovely lives (that in all honesty I envy - all i've ever wanted was a family. I understand that may not seem very ambitious but to me there;s nothing more important.)

Obviously it doesn't work out like that for everyone, but it can happen.

nappyddict- Just wanted to say there is nothing wrong with changing your mind as you learn more about something. It's not hypocritical, it's just common sense. Nobody is static in their thoughts and beliefs unless they are dead or brain-dead. You may very well not believe the same things when you are 34 that you believe now. Hence why it is exceedingly important to as much as possible avoid allowing young people to make enormous mistakes that can wreck their lives forever (like get into drugs for example, leave school at 13, or for some people, have a baby at 15 (although I will always be the first to maintain that having a baby young is not always the disaster it's made out to be- can be the making of some people)).

Parents have to know, can you get her to tell them about it all? She needs to act in some way responsibly, if she's old enough to have sex she's old enough to talk to her parents about it and discuss the dangers. I would use this line. I would also have a tough talk about why she is not interested in her education. She needs bringing back from this teenage world into the real world where if you don't get an education you don't get a good job, and if you sleep around you get std's and unwanted pregnancies, and if you get drunk you put your life in danger.

ah just seen its sorted

Like I said I changed my mind about thinking I wouldn't have regretted certain things - I know now I would have. I only think sex at that age is ok if you are in a long term and stable relationship, which I was. I doubt I will ever change my opinion on that. When I was younger I used to think sex wasn't important it was just a bit of fun so I'm glad the oppurtunity never came up to do it then cos I probably would have and I know I would have regretted it.

But sex with someone you love is the most amazing thing ever, and I don't think anyone can change that. I think it's sad when girls do it just to keep up with their friends or to "keep" their boyfriend but not if they truly are in love. At 14 I know this is rare but there are the odd occasions when it happens and if they are mature enough to cope with the emotions and complications it brings, then they are mature enough to do it. I know plenty of 14 year olds who act like they are in their 20s and would probably be better mums than a lot of mums out there.

I am aware I am babbling so I will sign out now