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Would you want to know of your husbands affair?

55 replies

Allmond · 13/05/2021 14:46

When I was younger and super naive (about 10 years ago I am 30 now) I was in an abusive relationship with an older man, for 5 years.
He seriously affected my mental health and made me believe I was crazy. He psychologically and emotionally tortured me, and stalked me for years after I ended the relationship. He still attempts contact with me but I do not reply.

I was led to believe he and his wife were divorced.

I have recently unintentionally found out he is still with his wife and was never separated/divorced from her in the first place.
Now everything makes sense. He lived a double life for all those years. He worked away from home a lot which is how he got away with it for so long (his wife also worked away occasionally).

Now, I feel like if I was his wife I would want to know how much of a nasty character raging psychopath he is, but because I am still traumatised by it I would rather forget that relationship ever happened and avoid his potential retaliation.
At the time time, I’m thinking surely she must know how evil her husband is and be abused by him too?

Aibu for not saying anything?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

bookworm20 · 13/05/2021 14:49

If I were the wife, I would want to know. 100%.


emi93 · 13/05/2021 14:49

I think you should tell the wife.

My mum was abused by my father for years, (20 infact) only when she found out of his cheating that the penny dropped and she got the strength to kick him out.


Notadramallama · 13/05/2021 14:50

I was the wife - tell her.


Nailingnow · 13/05/2021 14:52

Would I want to know? Yes.


Gertie75 · 13/05/2021 14:53

I would definitely want to know, would you?


Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/05/2021 14:53

She probably already knows his personality. If he's a bit of a psycho, that's hard to hide for a long time. I would defiant to know about the cheating.


netstaller · 13/05/2021 14:54

The wife deserves to know, but if you want this man out of your life for ever opening that can of worms isn't going to do that


PegPeople · 13/05/2021 14:56

I'd want to know but the odds are pretty miniscule that she doesn't already know what he is like. You won't have been the only affair and he's obviously never changed his spots especially if he still often tries to contact you.

So yes I would tell her but honestly don't expect her to be grateful or thankful, as you will be telling her what she already knows.


GappyValley · 13/05/2021 14:57

I 100% would want to know


3cats2kids · 13/05/2021 14:58

I feel, for your own mental health, you are better off not getting involved.


Doona · 13/05/2021 14:59

She may want to know but it's not your responsibility. Take care of yourself first.


Cowbells · 13/05/2021 14:59

I would. But be prepared for her to blame you and for him to come after you.


Lemmen · 13/05/2021 15:00

No. The guy is dangerous. Block and avoid.


Iyland · 13/05/2021 15:01

To answer your question, yes I would want to know.

Honestly though, I would stay well clear. He is out of your life albeit only because you ignore his contact advances, this may ramp up if he catches wind that you've contacted his wife.

I wouldn't get involved.


NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC · 13/05/2021 15:02

I would want to know. But if I was your friend I would tell you to stay away. For your own sanity and safety.


AliasGrape · 13/05/2021 15:02

I mean yes I'd want to know, but that doesn't mean you should tell her if its going to open you up to more abuse from this man. If you think not telling her is best for your safety and wellbeing then you should absolutely not feel guilty.


TwoAndAnOnion · 13/05/2021 15:02

What are your motives for telling her?
Do you genuinely feel she should 'know'?
or because you want revenge?

Because in upsetting his life equilibrium, you will upset hers and the childrens. She probably knows and chooses to ignore it. .


KaleSlayer · 13/05/2021 15:09

You say you’d rather forget it ever happened so I’d do that in the situation you describe. You’re allowed to look after yourself and put yourself first. It’s not your responsibility to inform his wife, especially when it may cause you further problems because he is abusive.

Also, I imagine his wife knows his character unfortunately. Hopefully she will one day be free of him.


RosieTheHat · 13/05/2021 15:12

Absolutely I would want to know.

I was married to a man like this for 18 years. I was the last one to know about his cheating - not a nice situation to find yourself in.


notacooldad · 13/05/2021 15:19

After all tbe time that has now passed I'd leave it and concentrate on your own well being.
You don't know whats happened in their lives over the years.
If you expect him to be nasty I really wouldn't want to rattle the cage.
Take care of yourself and look forward not back.


Lou98 · 13/05/2021 15:26

If I was the wife I would want to know - however, it sounds like this man put you through hell both during and after the relationship. I personally would be concerned about him finding out you told her and coming after you.
Only talk to her if you're fully prepared for that and have support around you - you need to protect yourself aswell


SavannahLands · 13/05/2021 15:29

I would want to know, but from a confession from him, not from someone who l did not know, and l was unsure that they were telling the truth, unless they had very good evidence to prove the facts.

If you are fairly happy with the life you now have, why dig up the pain of the past once more and potentially relive it emotionally by doing so?
You can never change what happened before no matter how hard you try, but you can move on and heal towards a better brighter future.


newnortherner111 · 13/05/2021 15:51

The question should be who tells the wife, I agree that she should know. The man has several role models, and sadly other people turn a blind eye to such behaviour, including over 100 Tory MPs and thousands of Tory party members.


4Minions2CallMyOwn · 13/05/2021 15:52

I’d always want to know. To live in ignorance not knowing who I’m married to would be awful. I’d be very grateful to anyone who told me but would want some proof also


Ericaequites · 13/05/2021 16:01

My lesbian partner just passed. She swore she was not having an affair with a housemate she moved in while I had medical treatment elsewhere. I found journal entries, lingerie, love tokens, and evidence of shared drug use. It would have been easier if she had told the truth and we had worked through this. I feel angry and violated.

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