Would you want to know of your husbands affair?

[Allmond]

When I was younger and super naive (about 10 years ago I am 30 now) I was in an abusive relationship with an older man, for 5 years.
He seriously affected my mental health and made me believe I was crazy. He psychologically and emotionally tortured me, and stalked me for years after I ended the relationship. He still attempts contact with me but I do not reply.

I was led to believe he and his wife were divorced.

I have recently unintentionally found out he is still with his wife and was never separated/divorced from her in the first place.
Now everything makes sense. He lived a double life for all those years. He worked away from home a lot which is how he got away with it for so long (his wife also worked away occasionally).

Now, I feel like if I was his wife I would want to know how much of a nasty character raging psychopath he is, but because I am still traumatised by it I would rather forget that relationship ever happened and avoid his potential retaliation.
At the time time, I’m thinking surely she must know how evil her husband is and be abused by him too?

Aibu for not saying anything?

[H2OConnoisseur]

I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me for about half a year before I found out. Half my friends knew but collectively decided to keep their noses out of it and I was one of the last to know. I have never felt more humiliated than when I found out and the disgust knowing that I slept with my ex while they were having sex with someone else was hard to stomach.

I suspected something was going on, but never had proof and in fact, the other woman telling me that my ex was cheating would've been more merciful than what I had to go through!

I now no longer keep in close contact with those friends anymore because they were unwilling to put up with 30s of a difficult conversation to spare me months of humiliation, insecurity, and wasted time.

[DroopyDaff]

His wife may well not realise what an evil bastard he husband is. Some people can act totally differently to others. Especially as it sounds like you were extremely vulnerable, a CHILD, if this started when you were 15 ? How old was he? Is there a possibility you could report him to the police if he was much older as that would be grooming and sexual abuse? Do you still have any messages?

Otherwise I would definitely tell her as long as he doesn’t know where you live or how to contact you. Don’t put yourself at risk.

[24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed]

I’d want to know.

I’d be more upset the longer I didn’t know, the longer I was made to look an idiot.

[Sssloou]

I am sorry this happened to you when you were so young.

I would look to heal yourself first.

Have you had therapy for the trauma?

You deserve to be mentally released from the damaged he caused you then and which it sounds is still haunting and throwing a shadow on your life today. Have you done The Freedom Programme or sought help from DA charities?

Once you are strong you might want to take advice from the police about Clare’s Law. That might be a safer route.

[BitOfAFaff]

I wouldn't tell her. He's dangerous and she could be in some sort of dangerous situation with him herself.

Also, you put yourself at risk so just no.

[RonObvious]

I would want to know, but I don't think you should get involved. You are definitely better off away from him.

[PurrBox]

I was the wife. I would have been deeply grateful if anyone had told me what was going on in my life, even if it had been the OW herself.

[Allmond]

His definitely parents know but I think he’s manipulated them into not telling his wife.
I think I’m going to leave it because I don’t think my mental health will cope, it would probably trigger another breakdown.
Maybe in the future because I’m planning on moving to the other side of the country in a few years.

[Allmond]

@DroopyDaff I wasn’t 15 it was from age of 19-25. I was quite vulnerable though and at the start of the relationship I had recently experienced some trauma which he knew about and took advantage of. He was more than 10 years older.

[Rmka]

I'm sorry this has happened to you.
It's not your place or responsibility to tell her, leave it. I've read somewhere that the only person who should tell someone their partner is cheating on them is a person who's then ready to be the shoulder to cry on (so a very close friend or family member). I think that's a good advice. Keep your peace. He's the one guilty of everything, not you.

[ItsAllAboutTheParsley]

I agree with PPs, that yes she deserves to know but that you must prioritise your own safety. I order to prove your words you’d have to give enough info to identify you and it doesn’t sound like it is a good idea both from the threat he might pose and the way it would drag you into his marriage.

@Ericaequites I am so sorry for your loss, how awful for you to find that out and have these painful conflicting emotions. Grief is such a complex thing and having to re see your partner through this lens after they have gone, it sounds very hard and so personal too, very difficult I would imagine to tell people about when it’s so raw for you. I hope though that you do have real life support .💐

[MadMadMadamMim]

I'd have wanted to know at the time.

I wouldn't want to know ten years later, I don't think. Why would you dig this up after all these years. You don't know what's going on in their relationship now.

I think you should leave it. And why haven't you blocked him? How is he attempting to contact you?

[DinosaurDiana]

I would want to know, but I’d be worried he might turn nasty if he found out.
Lesson learned, don’t pick at an old wound.

[Ericaequites]

Thanks. I do have support in real life, but wish I’d been told the truth. The truth is harder, but the best thing in the long run.

[Chamonixshoopshoop]

I’d want to know. I would always tell a friend if I knew as well (and indeed have).

[Allmond]

I feel really ashamed for being an idiot and falling for his lies.
Another reason to tell her, and is making me feel even more guilty, is the fact that her very elderly father is very very wealthy and she will be receiving a massive inheritance. My ex is terribly money orientated and I suspect this is why he is still with her.

[Onesnowynight]

Leave well alone

[FizzyPink]

In your situation I would stay well away from it.

However, yes I would want to know. I couldn’t bear the thought of other people knowing and me looking like an idiot.

[Anordinarymum]

Get on with your life and leave all of this behind because the longer you dwell on it the more he will still affect how you think, the choices you make etc..

Leave it and feel free. I am sure his wife will know how horrible he is.

[AlmostSummer21]

If I was her I'd want to know and yes, even 10 years later, especially as it was long term & he's still contacting you. (Sone might stand a decade ago, not so much)

She would be able to protect her inheritance from her father too. (How do you know about this?)

HOWEVER first & foremost you need to look after yourself. You were a vulnerable kid (19 is NOTan adult, just because you can vote) and had trauma too. He totally took advantage of you and YOU have nothing to feel ashamed about 💐

You might be best to get some support & get her told & all of this put behind you. If you're physically scared of him tell the police, get a non mol in place.

Look after yourself first & foremost !!

[notacooldad]

My ex is terribly money orientated and I suspect this is why he is still with her
You suspect but you don't know.
Just move on with your life.
You've had enough drama by being involved with him why stoke everything up especially if he isn't nice.
You say he stalked you and psychologically and emotionally tortured you and yet you want to poke the bear.
Madness and stupidity.

[OwlBeThere]

I would want to know, but your safety is more important here and if you think he might try and hurt you, you are not unreasonable to stay out of it.

[JeanClaudeVanDammit]

For your own sake and your own mental health I wouldn’t get involved. It’s ok in these circumstances to let it lie.

[Hurr8cane84]

Her situation is not your problem. He sounds dangerous. Don't invite him back into your life for any reason. Don't give him any headspace.

To answer your question, yes, in principle I'd want to know. But some random woman coming to me anonymously after 5 years? Nah, I'd think you were a lunatic stirring up shit.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Most wives would say they want to know.

However if he tortured you for years and has been stalking you I would really strongly advise you, for your own safety, to not get involved. Please. It could be dangerous for you to antagonize an abusive man with nothing left to lose. Don't tell her.