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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that I can't feel happy about someone else having a baby

41 replies

DisneyPrincessMummy · 12/05/2021 22:22

Hello,

I think this is an odd one, but I had a miscarriage 3 years ago, since then I have had a baby, there were no issues at all (apart from I kept dreaming about miscarrying) and the birth was pretty straight forward.

We know a few people who have had babies, now I used to feel jealous after my miscarriage when someone we knew found out they were pregnant but I felt better after I became pregnant with my daughter.

However I found that my sister in law was pregnant 4 months after I found out I was and I was very annoyed. I love our niece but I just remember feeling annoyed at the time as I felt that it was our time for the attention, but this didn't last long and I felt happy for her not long after.

I then found that after having my daughter, i don't seem to feel happy for some people having a baby. I don't know if its jealousy or something, but its like I feel for some that they don't deserve to have a baby (which I know seems like a really horrid thing to say/think )

But for example;

Before I was pregnant, there was a young couple we knew (17/18 years of age), they had been together a couple of months,wanted a baby and got pregnant, they then split up. They both were drug users at some point and had a baby no problem

Our friends brother got his girlfriend pregnant, they had been together a few months. She was 18 at the time and when I first met her she was telling me how nasty he was to her and stuff, then suddenly they were all happy together, she got pregnant and they've just had the baby (been together just over a year). I'm not sure about her but the dad takes drugs and is very, very laid back and I do worry for the baby, but she is still quite child minded.

Another one is someone I know who split from her husband as she didn't want kids, cheated on him and stuff. She then got with another bloke, got pregnant and lost it (which do empathise with her over) but then got pregnant again and has had a baby.

These are just a few examples but like I said,I just can't seem to feel happy for these people for having their babies. I was fine when my sister in law had hers. Is this something that other people has experienced? Or is it just jealousy do you think?

OP posts:

PuddingJacker · 12/05/2021 22:25

You know full well you're being unreasonable. It sounds like you might want to speak to a doctor because you're clearly having difficulty overcoming your miscarriage and it must be really tough.

sadpapercourtesan · 12/05/2021 22:29

I think you're carrying some trauma and anger about your miscarriage. Maybe because you have your daughter now, you haven't felt entitled to process those feelings of loss and unfairness? They're leaking out in unreasonable and judgemental responses to people who have had babies "easily", when you had to go through hell to have one.

It's understandable, but you'll be better if you deal with it properly (counselling?) rather than letting it colour your daily life, where it risks souring your relationships with other people.

StillCounting123 · 12/05/2021 22:32

Your first paragraph sums up all you need to focus on. You had a miscarriage (tragic, but something many of us suffered through) and then have gone on to have a lovely and wanted baby (so happy for you in this).

Dwelling on what other people have or don't have or what you perceive they 'deserve' is toxic to no one apart from you and your DC. Use your time, energy and effort to think about what you have right now.

I miscarried my third pregnancy back in 2016, and yes I do often wonder what what that child would have been like, but I've gone on to have other DC and never once been jealous of anyone else, as life isn't a race or competition.

Original poster

DisneyPrincessMummy · 12/05/2021 22:51

@PuddingJacker

You know full well you're being unreasonable. It sounds like you might want to speak to a doctor because you're clearly having difficulty overcoming your miscarriage and it must be really tough.

Well clearly I didn't know I was being unreasonable otherwise I wouldn't have posted the question, so there's no need to be so forward and rude about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

DisneyPrincessMummy · 12/05/2021 22:53

Thank you both for your thoughts on this, its much appreciated. We do know of a lot of people with drama in their lives and hoped moving would help but we still seem to hear about it alot, so that doesn't help.
But I'll have a look into your suggestions, it does also make me feel better regarding how I feel by being able to post it on here and get it off my chest a bit

OP posts:

Snowwhite83 · 12/05/2021 23:00

Gosh people are so mean and judgemental in their comments. Im so sorry OP . Just because you have these feelings doesnt mean u are unreasonable, you haven't done anything bad to anyone. Any kind of infertility or pregnancy loss can leave a terrible mark. Think councilling is a good idea, but don't beat urself up for feeling this way, sounds like you just need some more support with it.

MintLampShade · 12/05/2021 23:02

So very sorry for your loss

I don't think it's jealousy, it seems to me that you are somewhat fixated on other people's pregnancies. Perhaps this is due to your previous loss and not processing it properly? Unfortunately many people (who we may or may not deem worthy) will go on to have children but with all the kindness OP, you should focus on your own family rather than being caught up in all these emotions. I personally think you may need some additional support to overcome feeling like this as I don't personally feel it's helping you.

I myself had a loss followed by a healthy pregnancy and uncomplicated birth and I'd say I'm the polar opposite. Maybe that's not healthy either as I am just so overjoyed about all pregnancies and babies, having experienced what losing a baby and not being able to conceive feel like.

baldafrique · 12/05/2021 23:05

It does seem pretty unusual to feel bitter towards people having babies when you've now had one yourself...

MuchTooTired · 12/05/2021 23:05

It reads to me that you are disapproving and judgemental of people who are in less desirable circumstances falling pregnant and having their baby, where you suffered a miscarriage and lost your baby despite being in (I assume) better circumstances to raise a child.

I’d honestly consider counselling to give you the space to work through all of your emotions about your miscarriage and perhaps any emotions/stress around the pregnancy of your daughter?

I felt horribly jealous and judgemental about others in less desirable circumstances having babies with ease when i was ttc and it was something I couldn’t do. Proper raging at how unfair it was that they could when I was so desperate to love and raise my baby and ready for it. At some points in my rage phase I would’ve been jealous of you. I realise that sounds utterly awful and I’m sorry to say it.

I got over it though and didn’t need counselling (for that!) in the end. I look back now at that time in my life and feel ashamed at how I felt as the people I’d been jealous of were just living their lives and were on their own paths, and I was on mine. I did ultimately go for counselling after my ivf babies were born as it had all been too much of a rollercoaster for me to cope with.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

ThePontiacBandit · 12/05/2021 23:08

I get it. I think trauma such as a pregnancy loss really does feel like life is unfair...I imagine that you never truly relaxed through your pregnancy? Sorry for your loss

I get similar feelings. We had primary infertility issues. I did eventually become pregnant with DD but it was 2 years 8 months, loads of investigations. It nearly broke us as a couple. We aren’t able to have any more children. I still find it tough when friends announce they are having second, third, fourth babies! I had a moment last night after an announcement. DH said I have to get over it. I said I will, in time...my head knows that it’s not possible and would be impractical to have another now. My heart hasn’t caught up yet. I did have some counselling last year which really helped me comes to terms with my feelings related to our fertility issues and the trauma around it. I would recommend it. It’s got easier since then for me. It’s getting easier with time too. Hope sharing my experience helps.

baldafrique · 12/05/2021 23:09

Have you struggled with envy/bitter type feelings in relation to other situations in your life before or is this the only scenario this plays out in? Wondering whether it could link with other stuff for you.

Cam2020 · 12/05/2021 23:12

Life is unfair, isnt it? I think it's a sense of injustice that you (presumably) done 'the right thing' in life and suffered, while other people have done 'the wrong thing' and got what they (and you) wanted easily at the root of it here.

I'm sure you're not the only person to ever have experienced this. Perhaps counselling would help.

Cam2020 · 12/05/2021 23:13

have done

CrazyNeighbour · 12/05/2021 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Countrycode · 12/05/2021 23:22

I'm afraid this is how it read to me also. Not jealously but judgment. It's a funny one pregnancies, every time I hear a friend is expecting I feel "off" about it and I have no idea why. I have two children, no fertility issues could have another if I wanted but I absolutely don't want another. Yet for some odd reason I get this odd negative pang. It lifts fast but I hate that it happens! So YANBU to feel what you feel as we can't really help these things even if they're unpleasant.

baldafrique · 12/05/2021 23:29

How would you feel if one of the women you are feeling bitter and disapproving towards then had a pregnancy loss of her own? Genuine q.

Iheartbed · 12/05/2021 23:34

I’ve been thinking recently about the psychology of pregnancy loss, and how it affects your view on things. I’m currently pregnant. I had a stillbirth last year and a miscarriage in January and yes, I feel sad and angry when I hear of someone being pregnant even now, despite being pregnant myself. It doesn’t really make sense but that’s human emotions for you. We’re a bit fucked up! But don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m currently having counselling and my counsellor just says it’s fine to just be angry and that it’s normal after trauma.

Original poster

DisneyPrincessMummy · 12/05/2021 23:36

Thank you for your comments.
Reading through them has helped me, I will consider councilling if I can't help shake the feeling. I suppose it is judgmental on my part but I hadn't really picked up on it being that if you know what I mean.
I haven't said any of these thoughts to said mothers, no way I would ever do that as its just the first thoughts in my head and I can't help shift the negative off feeling, for some I suppose I'm more so worried/concerned for the babys wellbeing and can't help but to think negatively.
But I need to try and move on from those thoughts, remove those negative people from my life that aren't helping me keep positive, move to a more optimistic mindset and try and concentrate more on my little family.
I can't clear all the negativity as unfortunately one of my issues is my partner step mother (she's not related to any of the regency things) but its a start

OP posts:

Original poster

DisneyPrincessMummy · 12/05/2021 23:38

@baldafrique

How would you feel if one of the women you are feeling bitter and disapproving towards then had a pregnancy loss of her own? Genuine q.

Hmm, thats a good question. I suppose, thinking about it, I would feel sorry for them, because I've been through the experience of the loss I know how it feels, the physical and emotional side of it all. I wouldn't feel that they would deserve it to happen to them as I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

OP posts:

IntoAir · 13/05/2021 07:43

Why are you even asking?

Of course you’re unreasonable. Emotional responses often are unreasonable. You might want to do some thinking about why you are jealous of others. You could work on changing that mental script , and redirect your thinking.

baldafrique · 13/05/2021 07:50

You "suppose" you would feel sorry for them? Bloody hell.

ClarkeGriffin · 13/05/2021 07:54

I think it's judgement, not jealousy, like another poster said.

You felt jealous at your sil when she announced her pregnancy, but I'm going to blame that on your pregnancy to be honest. Sounded more like you had lost some attention and were briefly upset at that.

The others though are mostly all families having children in not great situations. I doubt anyone on here would honestly think 'good for them' to a couple having a baby who are on drugs, or the same for a woman who said she was in an abusive relationship. The third one is more iffy, she may just not have wanted kids with her husband. You're only thinking it now because you've been through this and are upset that you lost a child, but the first two couples didn't.

SD1978 · 13/05/2021 07:57

Yes you're being unreasonable, but with a reason behind it. Are you planning on more, is that why you're feeling bitter and jealous again? It's not unusual to feel that way when other people have what you want, and appear to do so with ease, but if you also can't rationalise that yourself, then you need to talk to someone.

pinklemonade84 · 13/05/2021 08:05

@baldafrique you pick out that one word of the op's response to your question???

baldafrique · 13/05/2021 08:06

@pinklemonade84 The whole response is bizarre! Why on earth would someone have to even think about how they would feel if someone else had a miscarriage? Grim.

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