AIBU that I can't feel happy about someone else having a baby

[DisneyPrincessMummy]

Hello,

I think this is an odd one, but I had a miscarriage 3 years ago, since then I have had a baby, there were no issues at all (apart from I kept dreaming about miscarrying) and the birth was pretty straight forward.

We know a few people who have had babies, now I used to feel jealous after my miscarriage when someone we knew found out they were pregnant but I felt better after I became pregnant with my daughter.

However I found that my sister in law was pregnant 4 months after I found out I was and I was very annoyed. I love our niece but I just remember feeling annoyed at the time as I felt that it was our time for the attention, but this didn't last long and I felt happy for her not long after.

I then found that after having my daughter, i don't seem to feel happy for some people having a baby. I don't know if its jealousy or something, but its like I feel for some that they don't deserve to have a baby (which I know seems like a really horrid thing to say/think )

But for example;

Before I was pregnant, there was a young couple we knew (17/18 years of age), they had been together a couple of months,wanted a baby and got pregnant, they then split up. They both were drug users at some point and had a baby no problem

Our friends brother got his girlfriend pregnant, they had been together a few months. She was 18 at the time and when I first met her she was telling me how nasty he was to her and stuff, then suddenly they were all happy together, she got pregnant and they've just had the baby (been together just over a year). I'm not sure about her but the dad takes drugs and is very, very laid back and I do worry for the baby, but she is still quite child minded.

Another one is someone I know who split from her husband as she didn't want kids, cheated on him and stuff. She then got with another bloke, got pregnant and lost it (which do empathise with her over) but then got pregnant again and has had a baby.

These are just a few examples but like I said,I just can't seem to feel happy for these people for having their babies. I was fine when my sister in law had hers. Is this something that other people has experienced? Or is it just jealousy do you think?

Op, yes you are being unreasonable. But, with such a perfectly reasonable explanation behind why. I think some of the previous posters have made some good suggestions of maybe seeking counselling to deal with this

(And yes I have had one myself before anyone asks and it is horrendous but being bitter towards other women AFTER you've been able to since have a baby is just bleurgh)

@MuchTooTired

It reads to me that you are disapproving and judgemental of people who are in less desirable circumstances falling pregnant and having their baby, where you suffered a miscarriage and lost your baby despite being in (I assume) better circumstances to raise a child.

I’d honestly consider counselling to give you the space to work through all of your emotions about your miscarriage and perhaps any emotions/stress around the pregnancy of your daughter?

I felt horribly jealous and judgemental about others in less desirable circumstances having babies with ease when i was ttc and it was something I couldn’t do. Proper raging at how unfair it was that they could when I was so desperate to love and raise my baby and ready for it. At some points in my rage phase I would’ve been jealous of you. I realise that sounds utterly awful and I’m sorry to say it.

I got over it though and didn’t need counselling (for that!) in the end. I look back now at that time in my life and feel ashamed at how I felt as the people I’d been jealous of were just living their lives and were on their own paths, and I was on mine. I did ultimately go for counselling after my ivf babies were born as it had all been too much of a rollercoaster for me to cope with.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

This ^^

@baldafrique maybe because of how she initially feels with regards to their pregnancies? What I find grim is your little digs at the op, when she's being perfectly open to the fact that she's being unreasonable and not arguing back to try and twist things in her favour

@pinklemonade84 OK. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

When I was having IVF, there used to be a group of women on the “infertility” board here, who drove me completely off the board, just after reading a couple of threads, because I was scared of catching their unpleasantness and bitterness.

One or two of them constantly posted horrible things about supposed pregnant “ck w*s” (no I know it’s MN, but I refuse to type it in full because it’s absolutely vile and misogynistic).

You’re in danger of falling into the same vibe, there.

Nobody else’s pregnancy or fertility impairs yours. There is not a limited supply of babies to go round. Try to think generously, even when things are very hard. It’s better for you, other women, and everyone’s babies.

I don't think OP has any actual issues here or need of counselling (MN loves to tell people they need counselling over nothing).

The first part about the SIL and wanting attention is ridiculous and I think you know that OP. The rest though just sounds like you are overly invested in other people and a bit judgey, maybe just stop investing so much time in people that have little impact on you.

You don't have to be overjoyed about every single pregnancy you see or hear about, most people don't really care unless is a close friend of relative. Saying that you are entitled to feel however you feel, take a step back and think about what's important to you- spending so much time dwelling on other people or focusing elsewhere.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not be elated about babies being born to parents who are drug users/not in stable relationships.

It does sound like maybe your feelings about these scenarios are quite excessive though and linked to your own loss. Perhaps you have more to do to work through your own feelings about your miscarriage.

I wouldn't be excited for any of those people having a baby. I'd feel bad for a baby being born into a shitty relationship.

“ck ws” (no I know it’s MN, but I refuse to type it in full because it’s absolutely vile and misogynistic).*

Oh please do - I can't figure it out and it's annoying me!

@Countrycode

“c*k w*s” (no I know it’s MN, but I refuse to type it in full because it’s absolutely vile and misogynistic).*

Oh please do - I can't figure it out and it's annoying me!

The first word is crack.

Thinking about it, it’s classist and often racist as well as being a misogynistic phrase.

I’m never completely convinced that people like OP know quite as much about other people’s lives and inner thoughts, anyway.

Before I was pregnant, there was a young couple we knew (17/18 years of age), they had been together a couple of months,wanted a baby and got pregnant, they then split up. They both were drug users at some point and had a baby no problem

How much of that could just be gossip because a teenager got pregnant? What does “drug users at some point” mean anyway? How do you know it was a planned pregnancy? Maybe that was bravado? Etc.

Always best to focus in your own life.

I'm so sorry about your loss OP.

I don't understand how you could BU to have certain emotions. They are emotions, you're not acting on them.

If you had miscarried and not gone on to have children nobody would find it strange that you're struggling now with pregnancy announcements. I don't see why those feelings would disappear just because you've had a child now. You still went through hell to get there and are bound to feel weird about people seemingly flippantly getting pregnant and giving birth. You don't seem to resent all pregnancies just not well thought out ones.

I think moving forward, try to observe your emotions with curiosity (am I jealous or angry?) and not judgment (I'm such a terrible person for being jealous) and know that they will pass. Also be aware that you don't truly know the situations of these people and despite the outward appearance their babies could indeed be very wanted and taken care of.

Congratulations on your child by the way. I didn't miscarry but had cancer and never thought I would go on to be a mother. I call my daughter my little miracle. Try not to miss this magical time. As a previous poster said, counselling could help.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm 21 weeks pregnant with our first, conceived after a battle with infertility. I really struggled/still do with other people getting pregnant. An announcement of a pregnancy really used to affect my mood. Infertility caused dark and shameful feelings for me. It wasn't even jealousy it was just such deep sadness and anger at my body and perceiving that it was failing me. Unless you've been there, you can't possibly understand the grief that comes with it. Of course now I realise that just because someone is pregnant you don't know their journey to get there. I had counselling which really helped and before I got pregnant I was very slowly starting to picture a life without children.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. We are all entitled to our opinion, and all of us make judgements on other people. I know I certainly do, and I know that others have judged me, but I'm wise enough not to care what they think. I struggled with secondary infertility and I had my first baby unplanned in terrible circumstances, and I also had to endure a TFMR. It was an extremely traumatic time and there's very little understanding of the sadness we face. I simply keep my opinions to myself, and it doesn't interfere with my daily life, so there's no reason to change my inner thoughts.

It's a tricky one. I had multiple losses (7 in total) but now have 3 children. I used to feel jealous of those who could have children easily - the blissfully fertile - who never struggled, never lost and then I'd feel jealous after I had DD of those on their second/third babies when we had to use IVF for ours. But comparison is the thief of joy - don't waste time being jealous of others - enjoy the child you have

It seems like you are more judgmental of those having children in less than ideal circumstances or broken homes or both. I can understand that a bit. I do find myself judging others more now I have children than I did before and find my opinions/views have got stronger because of what I've been through

I think you are being unreasonable. It seems to stem from your own pregnancy related trauma.

17 year olds can raise perfectly happy children, single mothers can do the work of both parents, people who previously may or may not have used drugs can go on to be fantastic parents. It’s very judgmental to look on their lives and feel that they don’t deserve their babies. Lots of married, well established couples are shite parents.

Maybe speak to someone and be as honest as you can about your thoughts. It doesn’t make you sound like a very nice person but I’m sure this is all from your bad experiences- it can be worked through and it will help you to loose the judgment and bad feelings you have towards others happiness.

Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.