AIBU?
To get the feeling that my mum doesn't want to meet my baby?
Peridotty · 12/05/2021 20:59
I have an 11 month old baby who is turning 1 soon. None of my family have met her yet. We live in the US and they don't allow anyone in except for citizens. My family live in the UK. Before covid hit and before my baby was born, she was reluctant to come over to help us. Then covid hit and the borders were closed and she couldn't come over even if she had wanted to.
Anyway, my DH and I are both vaccinated and I wanted to come to the UK for her 1st birthday. My mum keeps saying how it was 'too dangerous' and to 'rethink our plans' etc. She was saying how there were lots of variants out there and our vaccines might not be effective.
She has said she would like to come over when the US borders open again but her passport's expired and despite months of asking her to renew it she has not.
She has only video called us 3 times and each time I have to persuade her to do it. She is reluctant to video call. She does like all the photos I send to her though.
For more info, this is her first and only grandchild, she never bought any gifts for my baby, she has depression, reluctant to go on camera because she says she looks horrible and has not cut her hair in over a year (but when I bought her a haircut appointment she told me to cancel it).
I feel like she doesnt want to meet my baby/her grandchild.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2021 21:06
It sounds like it’s to do with the depression. Does she have anxiety as well? Perhaps she just can’t muster up any enthusiasm for anything, or nothing that requires effort (so photos ok).
Is she getting any help for her mental health at the moment?
TopBlogger · 12/05/2021 21:12
I can understand to some extent her reluctance to be on camera if she feels that she looks awful, though its a bit self centred to me. But not buying gifts? That's plain odd imo.
I'd be v hurt if my mum was acting like that. I've had long term depression so can empathise, but I still would have put in more effort than she has over 11 months.
Can you think if there's more to it?
Peridotty · 12/05/2021 21:13
Yes she can't do anything that requires a lot of effort. She doesn't have anxiety but has depression. She isn't getting any help for it though. She always says she wants a new life overseas but she also doesn't make plans for this. She had a job interview in the exact job she was looking for overseas but last minute cancelled this as she said she didnt feel ready. Sometimes she says she is ready to die. She is only in her 50s. I message her everyday.
Peridotty · 12/05/2021 21:17
She doesn't have a lot of money so probably doesn't want to buy gifts and ship them over. She isn't a very generous person. If she gives someone something it's probably a regift. The most she has done is sign her name in a card that my sister bought and sent me with her gifts. I don't think our baby would be getting any 1st birthday gifts from her.
Peridotty · 12/05/2021 21:19
Obviously it's not about the gifts, I just want to go over and see my family and for my baby to meet them!! She just keeps dragging her feet about coming here and making excuses, and then when we want to go over there she is finding reasons for us not to go!
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/05/2021 21:22
Depression is a very selfish disease - my dad had depression, he was entirely wrapped up in self deprecation. I would stop hoping and expecting much OP, all the effort will come from you. The idea that a grandchild will snap your mum out of her issues is a dream.
Embracelife · 12/05/2021 21:26
You cannot change her
It s not about you.
Go to UK if you want but don't plan around your dm
Exp (depression anxiety etc) and family were always negative about everything
Just don't take it personally
Go visit UK for your other family or friends if you want.
bumpertobumper · 12/05/2021 21:30
Make your travel plans and come over as and when you want to and are allowed. Take control and stop waiting for permission/approval from her which sounds like it won't ever come. As hurtful as it is that she is not enthusiastic about you visiting and meeting her grandchild, you can't change her. But you can adjust your response.
Also, depending on her mental state maybe the pressure of the decision of your making the trip is too much for her, she can't handle the responsibility of you saying for example ' so mum when shall we come'.
Take control of the situation and get on a plane...
I do sympathise, it sounds like a very difficult situation and that your mum and her mum a locked in an unhealthy co-dependency of some sort. Be glad you have got away and can just visit and not get too sucked into their despondency.
And don't feel guilty for getting away. I may be reaching here and maybe you don't, but people often do and your daily contact is what made me think of it.
saraclara · 12/05/2021 22:23
It sounds like she simply doesn't have the mental resources to cope with any kind of communication. The idea of hosting you or being hosted is probably way beyond what she can cope with even thinking about.
If she was already very depressed, the last 12 months of (mostly) lockdown is likely to have made her condition very much worse, especially as she shares the home she's been stuck inside, with a very depressed 90 year old.
It's really nothing personal. She's just in a really bad way.
What does your sister say about her? It must have been a tough year for sis as well, if she's their only real contact.
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/05/2021 22:27
It sounds like your Mum is struggling an awful lot right now. It may not be that she doesn't want to meet you baby. At my worst with depression I really wanted to see people but kept on cancelling and said I couldn't and felt awful - it's so hard to explain.
Sunflowers095 · 12/05/2021 22:43
You sound very pushy. Your mum is first and foremost a person with heir own boundaries. It's been a really stressful time with the pandemic for a lot of people and travel isn't the first thing on everyone's mind.
It seems like she wants a bit more space but you're insisting on video calls, visits, asking her to visit you, etc.
I mean this is the nicest way possible but just because you're excited to be a parent doesn't mean she's as excited to be a grandparent. Enjoy your little one and let the relationship develop naturally.
saraclara · 12/05/2021 22:49
@Sunflowers095
It seems like she wants a bit more space but you're insisting on video calls, visits, asking her to visit you, etc.
I mean this is the nicest way possible but just because you're excited to be a parent doesn't mean she's as excited to be a grandparent. Enjoy your little one and let the relationship develop naturally.
I don't think it's pushy to want to see your mum. Or to want your baby to meet its GM.
I'm assuming that OP hasn't seen her mum for a couple of years at least. Having three video calls over a year is hardly an excessive request.
HeddaGarbled · 12/05/2021 23:03
I’m afraid she might be very ill, and certainly extremely unhappy. Plus she’s caring for her mother who is also ill. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough, particularly the comment about her being ready to die.
I think it would be good if you could get over, not for her to ‘meet’ the baby, but for you to see how ill and unhappy she is and get her some healthcare and respite from caring for her mother.
This is going to be so difficult with you living in the US, because I really think she’s going to need permanent support.
What’s your sister’s view on the whole mess?
Voomster953 · 12/05/2021 23:45
She doesn’t sound very well.
She doesn't have a lot of money so probably doesn't want to buy gifts and ship them over. She isn't a very generous person. If she gives someone something it's probably a regift.
Sentences like this make you sound horribly materialistic and crass, by the way. You say she doesn’t have much but then go on to criticise her as not generous or someone who regifts things. I remember your name. Don’t compare her to your loaded inlaws.
Sadieeloise5687 · 12/05/2021 23:49
I’d be upset about this too OP
Is your sister any use? Can you speak to her about your mums attitude to try and find out what’s behind it?
You also need to have an open conservation with your mum about how you feel.
She might well just being worried about covid and travel disruption.
lovepickledlimes · 13/05/2021 00:00
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Is it possible that your mum is acting like this because of how upset and depressed she is about the situation as it is.
My mother will be unable to come to my wedding due to covid. I would delay it but we already delayed for a year so she did urge me to go on with it. This has caused her to feel depressed at the mere thought of my wedding and at times made her very reluctant to video chat as the pain was just too much
Is it possible that your mother is going through a very similar thing where even looking at her first grandchild and not being there in person will break her heart? also I can see why she does see traveling as a risk, she is probably just worried.
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