To get the feeling that my mum doesn't want to meet my baby?

[Peridotty]

I have an 11 month old baby who is turning 1 soon. None of my family have met her yet. We live in the US and they don't allow anyone in except for citizens. My family live in the UK. Before covid hit and before my baby was born, she was reluctant to come over to help us. Then covid hit and the borders were closed and she couldn't come over even if she had wanted to.
Anyway, my DH and I are both vaccinated and I wanted to come to the UK for her 1st birthday. My mum keeps saying how it was 'too dangerous' and to 'rethink our plans' etc. She was saying how there were lots of variants out there and our vaccines might not be effective.
She has said she would like to come over when the US borders open again but her passport's expired and despite months of asking her to renew it she has not.
She has only video called us 3 times and each time I have to persuade her to do it. She is reluctant to video call. She does like all the photos I send to her though.
For more info, this is her first and only grandchild, she never bought any gifts for my baby, she has depression, reluctant to go on camera because she says she looks horrible and has not cut her hair in over a year (but when I bought her a haircut appointment she told me to cancel it).
I feel like she doesnt want to meet my baby/her grandchild.

*Is your sister any use? Can you speak to her about your mums attitude to try and find out what’s behind it?

You also need to have an open conservation with your mum about how you feel*

I genuinely think that you should do neither of these things and that both would be terrible things to do to your sister and your mum.

They are all having a really tough time. They need help not implied criticism.

Hedda- eh?

You have completely misunderstood my post. Family relationships are built on talking - the op needs to speak to her family to fix them. Nowhere did I suggest she criticise them!

And the op is having an awful time too. Everyone is.

Not everyone is able to easily shrug off a year of being told that traveling and meeting family may kill you or them. Hosting you after a flight with her 90 year old mother is quite a big ask.

So sorry to read this OP, as I could have written the same except my Mum lives in the same country as me. Myself, DH, PILS and both my parents are fully vaccinated. PILS will finally meet my DD this weekend (she’s 9 months old) as well as seeing my DS for the first time since late 2019. I have given up trying to arrange to see my parents as it’s like pulling teeth. My Mums latest thing is to blame variants. She is generous with her money but reluctant to make firm plans to see me and my family. My DH has offered to collect my parents so many times but they never take us up on the offer. I will never forget having to beg her to see me a fortnight after my DS was born - after a traumatic labour. I just wanted my mum.

I believe my mum is depressed and has been for many years. She sees not taking antidepressants as a badge of honour. She can be funny, kind and good to talk to but she is sometimes hurtful, never apologises. Is defensive and struggles to see others points of view.

We did book flights to the U.K. regardless because I want to see my family. I want to see my grandma who can’t fly to the US due to her age. My mum wouldn’t be hosting us as I own a house there. I’ve been in the US for two years.

@summerisler sorry to hear this! Wow a lot of things in common. My mum is also using the variants as a reason not to see each other. She also doesn’t take antidepressants as it’s like admitting she has depression.

She has always said stuff like ‘I want to die’, ‘I am dying’ ever since I was small so I suppose I don’t pay attention to this anymore!

Yes she is a deeply unhappy person.

I didn’t think I was being selfish for wanting her to see my baby. She seems to cheer up after video calls so I thought it would be good for her. I have only asked her to video call 3x. I say she doesn’t have to be on the camera if she doesn’t want to.

Thanks for the advice about depression. I didn’t realise it would make someone not want to see your grandchild. I thought that people still want to see family despite their depression? Maybe I am wrong here.

Her depression has probably got worse during covid. She stopped working and is stuck at home most days. She hasn’t had a haircut in a year. She says she is ‘hopeless’ and ‘thinks wrong’ etc. I haven’t seen her for ages so don’t know how bad it’s got.

I think you should just hang fire about any arrangements at the moment, and understand your Mums points of view about things. She may not feel up to meeting anyone at the moment, due to various reasons. You can't just lump the often stated,mental health issues on someone who doesn't do what you think they should do.

When I lived in the USA for three years,many years ago, I was always writing letters back home, and sending photo's to parent's and other people, No zoom stuff then. Older people like getting letters,as you can say so much more about your life,and theirs.

So many similarities @Peridotty - so sorry to say.

My family history is a complicated one. My mum has other children and grandchildren who she doesn’t see. I’m the only one who has contact with my mum. I have reasons to go NC but just can’t do it. You would think that not being a part of her other grandchildren’s lives would make her desperate to see my babies, but no. It is so strange. My mum is a very complicated person and while I had all the material things growing up, I was often afraid of her and felt unprotected by events happening at home. Now I’m a mum I’m thinking more and more about my own childhood and while I refuse to let it get me down, I worry about my own parenting and my sort of, default settings, if you like. I can’t talk about this to my mum and she would fly off the handle and make me feel bad whilst not admitting any fault. She is very moody and as a kid I felt like her moods would switch with no discernible cause.

Too much else to say! I’m not sure what advice I can offer to you but just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone and to enjoy your lovely little baby. Mine are the most gorgeous little people and I’ll love them and be here for them even if their grandmother won’t be.

"Older people like getting letters"! She's in her 50s!

OP your Mum's lack of interest in you is very hurtful . She has that intense introspection that comes with depression and it's very hard for other people to deal with. Tbh I'm amazed you have much of a relationship with her at all given the long history of "I'm ready to die" comments. It's not on to mentally offload on your own children like that.

Can you nuture a lovely close relationship with your inlaws instead?

I feel for you. You don't come across as selfish or pushy at all.

@summerisler

So many similarities *@Peridotty* - so sorry to say.

My family history is a complicated one. My mum has other children and grandchildren who she doesn’t see. I’m the only one who has contact with my mum. I have reasons to go NC but just can’t do it. You would think that not being a part of her other grandchildren’s lives would make her desperate to see my babies, but no. It is so strange. My mum is a very complicated person and while I had all the material things growing up, I was often afraid of her and felt unprotected by events happening at home. Now I’m a mum I’m thinking more and more about my own childhood and while I refuse to let it get me down, I worry about my own parenting and my sort of, default settings, if you like. I can’t talk about this to my mum and she would fly off the handle and make me feel bad whilst not admitting any fault. She is very moody and as a kid I felt like her moods would switch with no discernible cause.

Too much else to say! I’m not sure what advice I can offer to you but just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone and to enjoy your lovely little baby. Mine are the most gorgeous little people and I’ll love them and be here for them even if their grandmother won’t be.

I could have wore this exact post!

My family live in the UK. Before covid hit and before my baby was born, she was reluctant to come over to help us

So you expected her to pay for long haul flights to be childcare? I can see why that wasn’t appealing.

Depression is a selfish disease

And , in reality you are somewhat blessed to be away from it day to day

Personally I’d focus more on supporting your sister who probably has a lot more shit to handle

That will help her and help you

I’d make peace with her disinterest
It won’t change
So focus emotional energy elsewhere

“She hasn’t had a haircut in over a year”
Neither have lots of people!
People are still very wary and that doesn’t make them depressed!

I don’t know why OP is getting such a hard time, people calling her pushy and materialistic.

I would be very upset if my DM took zero interest in me or my baby, didn’t want to see the baby and didn’t send a card or present. It’s not about the value of the gift, it’s that they’ve bothered to think about it.

@Onesnowynight - wow 💐 It seems that this sort of family situation isn’t as rare as I’d thought. I just see (or it seems like) everyone else having a very involved mum/grandma but me.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt and pushed away. It's natural to want your mum and for her to be a part of your young family. It's time you don't get back.

It sounds like she's very depressed and in denial anyway but the climate in the UK over the past 14m will not be helping at all. The "feeling flat" thread is a good guide to the emotional/ cultural impact in the UK even without underlying depression.

For context, law and guidence have been quite muddled to the extent that many people think it's illegal to hug. With a 90yo, they'll have spent much of the past year "shielding". The government has spent vast sums on largely scaremongering publicity/ propaganda. Public places are festooned in stickers/ posters/ hazard tape and screens lest we forget. Each Friday (especially if the weather is good) you can guarentee some kind of bad news story, usually concerning a variant these days. The UK has had the longest continuous restrictions on peoples' interactions. Unless exceptions apply it's been illegal to be in someone else's house for nearly all of the past 6 months. In much of the north and certain parts of the midlands it's been near continuous for 14m. Other countries have had harsher lockdowns, but the level of general restrictions has had least easing in between.
Even without depression, it's a huge hit on peoples' motivation and emotional energy to reconnect with each other.

Try not to take it personally, it's an illness and tough circumstances talking. It is hard though.

Make your plans to come over and offer some windows when you're free to meet up. It may be easier to get a positive response that way.

We've got family abroad and it's been 18m now. We're making our plans to head over and make our own arrangements and just be open about what family are prepared to do. It is awkward!

I’m not denying the hurt 😞
But honestly some things we have to accept x

I can definitely understand why you’re feeling hurt. It sounds like she used you as a therapist when you were a child; telling a child that you’re ‘ready to die’ is so wrong, a parent is supposed to make their child feel safe and secure and how can that happen when the parent says they want to die?

My DDs have had to cope with me being very unwell with Long Covid and last spring were really scared that I was going to die, DD2 (then 8) particularly. (Hardly surprising since a lot of people were dying of Covid every day.) I had to reassure them that no, Mummy wasn’t going to die. It is scary for a child to think their mother is going to die.

I’m afraid you’ll have to accept that, unless your DM accepts that she needs help to cope with her MH, she isn’t going to suddenly change into a loving, enthusiastic Grandma. She’ll be the same kind of Grandma as she was a mum.

Her anxiety about Covid variants isn’t surprising, as it’s reported so much in the News and she sounds like she suffers with anxiety.

it sounds like your mum is actually really ill.

She needs to see a doctor about her depression, and only once that is under control will other things be considered.

Depression is incredibly likely to make someone not want to see family and friends. Often that is the first sign that something is wrong.

You need to separate out what would be expected from an average grandmother - interested in grandchildren wanting to call etc. From the fact that she is actually really ill, not dealing with it in any way.

@Chocolatebiscuitcollection

"Older people like getting letters"! She's in her 50s!

OP your Mum's lack of interest in you is very hurtful . She has that intense introspection that comes with depression and it's very hard for other people to deal with. Tbh I'm amazed you have much of a relationship with her at all given the long history of "I'm ready to die" comments. It's not on to mentally offload on your own children like that.

Can you nuture a lovely close relationship with your inlaws instead?

I feel for you. You don't come across as selfish or pushy at all.

Wow, did you miss the fact she’s mentally very ill?

No, of course I didn't. Why do you ask?

@BogRollBOGOF thank you for the useful description of what the UK has been like. Yes they have been shielding for a year until my grandma had her vaccines. They are still being super careful and only going to supermarkets if they have to. Maybe she IS genuinely worried about the Indian variant I don't know. I guess it is super depressing over there!
There hasn't been much bad news in the US for a year now, much of the news has been positive.

@Dishwashersaurous she hasn't wanted to see any friends since the 00s... she refuses to connect with them when they reach out to ME on FB asking if she is ok. She says she doesn't want to tell them how she is doing and she says she will make new friends 'in the future'. She is always dreaming of a future with a new life, new country, new friends.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I would have paid for her flights and everything. I didn't want her just to come and be my helper! I wanted her to meet her new grandchild when they were born because I thought that was 'normal'. And I am a new mum, I thought I would need a lot of help with looking after the baby etc. In the end, my husband and I did manage on our own and are still managing really well with no help!

@LizzieW1969 you sound like a wonderful mum and hope you are feeling better. what a worrying time for you and your family!

When I was a child, looking back there was a lot of child neglect involved (very little food, no clean clothes for a week, filthy house, leaving me as a 4 year old to look after my newborn sister alone at night in the house, hitting me a lot and smacking me in the face).She did offload a lot of her own problems on us and making us hate our dad and family on dad's side. She would tell us terrifying stories about war too when we were tiny children. I'm just bringing up some stuff that she did, but grew up pretty resilient to it, I don't bog myself down with it.

I suppose I should be concentrating my efforts on getting help for her.

@FelicityPike I can easily go without a haircut for a year but that's because I have long hair. She has very short hair usually and never had long hair. Now it's past her shoulders, she doesn't comb it or style it. She says it looks disgusting but refuses to cut it because of the cost.

OK given the things you say about your childhood she clearly has been very ill for a very long time.

And doesn't want to do anything about it.

You need to sadly accept that she is going to do nothing in the grandparent role.

And then its up to you how much you decide to help her