Neighbour - not a typical problem (although I have those as well).

[DumbestBlonde]

Not really sure if AIBU is best for this - but I am sure I might well be seen to be, to some extent. Also, so sorry that this content is my first post; I have been lurking for a while, and really hoped I could engage in some other way before bringing this up, but the situation is getting more problematic by the day.

I live next door to a small Social Housing apartment complex (8 properties, one of which is lived in by my best friend - who just happens to be a man, which is only slightly relevant - but he came here when his rotte father sold a millioon pouind farm and never gave him a bean - another story....). Many different people - at varying stages of life, and in differing circumstances, have come and gone over the 9 years I have lived here, in a semi-detached right alongside.

Earlier this year, a young lady I already knew from the area moved in to the ground floor one adjacent to my house. She has several issues (all of which are known to me, I'm not speculating), some are connected with mental health - well, all are I guess...... She openly says she is disabled (damaged at birth), and attributes her behaviours the disability, sometimes as a get-out I think. She has known me a long time, from days when I went to the Library quite often, and she was hanging out there (as also a Resource Centre), and sees me as a mother-figure I think, and also - to an extent - seems to respect me.

But having her so close is quite a trial..... also, she goes into the village (small town really), where I also go quite often, and seems to pop up wherevere I am - if she feels so inclined. Other days she will ignore me totoally - which is fine, but worrying....

She is 28 - and pregnant for the second time (the first baby was subject to Care proceedings as soon as he was born - largely due to the relationship she was in at that time - also turned out not to be baby's father). He was adopted at age two last year. She immediately became pregnant (implant removed) to another man, who is the son of a friend of mine. Both of HIS children are in Care.

When I knew she was coming here, we tried to establish boundaries - but it is just a big fail. She knocks on my door all the time, she knocks on my friend's door - even though - being male - she puts him in a spot. She tested positive for CoVid, and still came round, lterally coughing all over me.

She involves the Police in ANY falling-out she has with her "boyfriend" (he doesn't live there, just shows up at night - although he doesn't work - and leaves early, sends abusive messages to her, and is always telling he that he's "done". She accused him of rape the first night they slept together, and he spent a day and night in the cells. I have no idea what the hell he was playing at sleeping with her again, and this pregnancy being the result, although he is demanding a DNA test when she is born.

All of this sounds so much like gossip, and I promise it isn't. I recently decided I needed to protect my mind (due to my own ridiculous lifelong family issues) and be careful what I became involved with. But with this, I have no choice. I simply cannot be unkind to her - but due to her diagnosed "attachment disorder" - and the fact that I do seem to be patient with her and am somewhat motherly (she herself was adopted, but her adoptive parents, even though just around the corner - have virtyually cut her off) - she can be a bit too clingy - and I am so very worried what will happen when baby arrives (due 9/6) - even though Social Services are giving her VERY mixed messages about whether or not she can keep her (I am inclined to think it will be "not").

She has at least two |Social Workers (one for baby), a Support Worker - and a few other professionals involved. But I do know that she sees me and W (my friend) as being on-the-spot and therefore easier to come to for the more basic things. Sometimes several times a day.

BUT now, rows with neighbours are starting (and one or two were not too fond of me anyway) - to the point that relatives of theirs are following her into shops and verbally abusing and physically threatening her. So she involves the Police - and it escalates so quickly.

Anyone any ideas what I can do....?

I am so sorry for the wall of text, and what seems like a big whinge - but I am worried on so many levels - for her, for new baby into the world - for expectations of me (when I am quite fragile anyway - although never show it) and of W, and of how the trouble can get as bad here as it did where she was moved from (and also how that will rub off on me - and it will, I know how this kind of thing can happen).

I really tried to prevent problems, and have done what i can - but she does do such a lot herself, just by shouting at people and ignoring my advice (fwiww).....
.....help......

PS - I can do a diagram. I love a diagram, and I know MN does too.

I agree with the detaching. If you're not able to do that (or she just plain ignores the signals), have you considered moving! A bit extreme but it sounds as though your life is gradually being taken over by this woman.

@Billandben444

Can you move away?

Crazy as it sounds, I am thinking of it......

But I have been for some time (say, 9 years haha) - got ground down by life, so hard to take the necessary steps - even before the pandemic made just about everything 1000x harder.

You want her to succeed and to heal OP but you recognise your are not the one to facilitate that in any way. That doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Just human.

I actually think, reading your posts, it’s time to move. Start fresh somewhere new.

Are you familiar with grey rock strategies? Theyre usually recommended for dealing with abusive people but I think it might help you in this situation.

Lets focus on you. What steps do you need to take in order to move?

You need to be kind to yourself. Put the boundaries back in place.

She's draining you.
She has social services support. You'd not be be being cruel to be kind, if you backed right off, she knows how to get help, you just happen to be most convenient.

I know you say you can't be unkind, but you are being unkind - to yourself.

I've learned all this the hard way over the last few years but you can be sympathetic to someone's plight without taking on the burden yourself. I've tried helping people only to find they lean on me even more. Furthermore, when agencies know someone's helping they're less likely to get involved.

It's difficult I know, particularly when you are aware of the privileges and advantages you have that someone else does not, but you need to step away from dealing with her directly. There's nothing to stop you calling Social Services to report your concerns (especially regarding the baby) but you don't have to deal with this woman's problems. You don't need to answer the door to her and you don't have to engage with her when you're out and about.

Harsh as it sounds, if she "will not take no for an answer" then I would call the police. Another lesson I've learned the hard way is that the more agencies such as SS and the police are forced to get involved, the more likely issues are to be escalated and dealt with.

They didn't actually, technically, "cut him off" though. His father is just a selfish self-interested person.

@Billandben444

Can you move away?

Crazy as it sounds, I am thinking of it......

But I have been for some time (say, 9 years haha) - got ground down by life, so hard to take the necessary steps - even before the pandemic made just about everything 1000x harder.

I don’t see how your friends family financially cutting him has anything to do with this? It’s like you’re justifying having a friend in social housing.

@Billandben444

Can you move away?

Crazy as it sounds, I am thinking of it......

But I have been for some time (say, 9 years haha) - got ground down by life, so hard to take the necessary steps - even before the pandemic made just about everything 1000x harder.

I don’t see how your friends family financially cutting him has anything to do with this? It’s like you’re justifying having a friend in social housing.

I know you say you can't be unkind, but you are being unkind - to yourself.

I've learned all this the hard way over the last few years but you can be sympathetic to someone's plight without taking on the burden yourself. I've tried helping people only to find they lean on me even more. Furthermore, when agencies know someone's helping they're less likely to get involved.

It's difficult I know, particularly when you are aware of the privileges and advantages you have that someone else does not, but you need to step away from dealing with her directly. There's nothing to stop you calling Social Services to report your concerns (especially regarding the baby) but you don't have to deal with this woman's problems. You don't need to answer the door to her and you don't have to engage with her when you're out and about.

Harsh as it sounds, if she "will not take no for an answer" then I would call the police. Another lesson I've learned the hard way is that the more agencies such as SS and the police are forced to get involved, the more likely issues are to be escalated and dealt with.

I know you say you can't be unkind, but you are being unkind - to yourself.

I've learned all this the hard way over the last few years but you can be sympathetic to someone's plight without taking on the burden yourself. I've tried helping people only to find they lean on me even more. Furthermore, when agencies know someone's helping they're less likely to get involved.

It's difficult I know, particularly when you are aware of the privileges and advantages you have that someone else does not, but you need to step away from dealing with her directly. There's nothing to stop you calling Social Services to report your concerns (especially regarding the baby) but you don't have to deal with this woman's problems. You don't need to answer the door to her and you don't have to engage with her when you're out and about.

Harsh as it sounds, if she "will not take no for an answer" then I would call the police. Another lesson I've learned the hard way is that the more agencies such as SS and the police are forced to get involved, the more likely issues are to be escalated and dealt with.

Are you familiar with grey rock strategies? Theyre usually recommended for dealing with abusive people but I think it might help you in this situation.

Lets focus on you. What steps do you need to take in order to move?

I know you say you can't be unkind, but you are being unkind - to yourself.

I've learned all this the hard way over the last few years but you can be sympathetic to someone's plight without taking on the burden yourself. I've tried helping people only to find they lean on me even more. Furthermore, when agencies know someone's helping they're less likely to get involved.

It's difficult I know, particularly when you are aware of the privileges and advantages you have that someone else does not, but you need to step away from dealing with her directly. There's nothing to stop you calling Social Services to report your concerns (especially regarding the baby) but you don't have to deal with this woman's problems. You don't need to answer the door to her and you don't have to engage with her when you're out and about.

Harsh as it sounds, if she "will not take no for an answer" then I would call the police. Another lesson I've learned the hard way is that the more agencies such as SS and the police are forced to get involved, the more likely issues are to be escalated and dealt with.

I know you say you can't be unkind, but you are being unkind - to yourself.

I've learned all this the hard way over the last few years but you can be sympathetic to someone's plight without taking on the burden yourself. I've tried helping people only to find they lean on me even more. Furthermore, when agencies know someone's helping they're less likely to get involved.

It's difficult I know, particularly when you are aware of the privileges and advantages you have that someone else does not, but you need to step away from dealing with her directly. There's nothing to stop you calling Social Services to report your concerns (especially regarding the baby) but you don't have to deal with this woman's problems. You don't need to answer the door to her and you don't have to engage with her when you're out and about.

Harsh as it sounds, if she "will not take no for an answer" then I would call the police. Another lesson I've learned the hard way is that the more agencies such as SS and the police are forced to get involved, the more likely issues are to be escalated and dealt with.

I know you say you can't be unkind, but you are being unkind - to yourself.

I've learned all this the hard way over the last few years but you can be sympathetic to someone's plight without taking on the burden yourself. I've tried helping people only to find they lean on me even more. Furthermore, when agencies know someone's helping they're less likely to get involved.

It's difficult I know, particularly when you are aware of the privileges and advantages you have that someone else does not, but you need to step away from dealing with her directly. There's nothing to stop you calling Social Services to report your concerns (especially regarding the baby) but you don't have to deal with this woman's problems. You don't need to answer the door to her and you don't have to engage with her when you're out and about.

Harsh as it sounds, if she "will not take no for an answer" then I would call the police. Another lesson I've learned the hard way is that the more agencies such as SS and the police are forced to get involved, the more likely issues are to be escalated and dealt with.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Are you familiar with grey rock strategies? Theyre usually recommended for dealing with abusive people but I think it might help you in this situation.

Lets focus on you. What steps do you need to take in order to move?

I tried this with a friend who draining the life of me. It didn't work. Most of these people are self centred (narcissistic) or don't pick up social cues very well. The latter love the sound of their own voices. It doesn't matter if you are responding to them very little or not. They just need that person (often seen as an object) to offload to.

Funny enough, I did use the grey rock strategy with an abusive ex. It worked but often it would rile him up.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post that as many times as I did!

Anyone any ideas what I can do....?

Stop thriving on other people's dramas? That you are so entangled in this is ridiculous,and very much points to a saviour complex on your behalf.

I'd get a ring doorbell, and try not to involve myself.

@toocoldforsno

Anyone any ideas what I can do....?

Stop thriving on other people's dramas? That you are so entangled in this is ridiculous,and very much points to a saviour complex on your behalf.

I am certainly not THRIVING on it. It may seem that way as I relayed it at the start - and the detail I know (unfortunately) must make it seem that I am entangled in her problems. I suppose I am, out of condern for another human being, who is slightly younger than my own daughter (and has the same name, which makes it even "harder") - but I really HOPE it isn't some kind of saviour complex.

I hope you don't mean that as harshly as it sounds.

@JustCatting

I'd get a ring doorbell, and try not to involve myself.

She has a "special" knock, so I know it's her. I can peek through the blinds upstairs. And I always hear her slam her door, and the clang of her magnetic gate.

There are probably many times she knocks and I am not here, as my car being outside means nothing as I am often out on my bike (she knows this).

It is not so wasy at W's apartment, which has a front door, patio doors, and a kitchen window with no blinds. Being in the same complex, she does not need to use the access phone, just comes round, and catches me there (or W).

Plus she is quite loud :o)

That’s a really tricky situation. It does sound like she needs more support than she’s getting - you also need to protect yourself, and her pestering of you is a form of harassment.

I think you need to talk to her social worker as it’s a safety issue.

@GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post that as many times as I did!

I think MN had a bit if a tizzy.

I understand what you are saying - it is just difficult being on the spot. It is quite frustrating to be ignored, when I do known "best", or just a little better maybe - and she insists on telling me (and everyone who will listen - or not) her business.

On a calm day like today (she just caught me as I came back, but was easy-ish to deflect and I ushered her away to go and put her feet up.....), it is easy to feel that I am over-reacting. But tomorrow - or even later today - could be the opposite. Let alone, this is very much the calm before the storm that will erupt when (either way) the baby arrives (who, from what she has just described, is in a breech position).

If I have serious worries, I will call her SW - but I would feel so very mean to speak to them just to help myself "out" of this situation.... As for the Police, that would be extra-hard, as he has called them so many times herself for various reasons, that involving them at all would certainly be a black mark wrt to keeping the baby.