If you had a bad upbringing and life is good now…

[Opal93]

Do you live with a fear that it will somehow be taken away? I had an abusive upbringing, parents relationship was a mess and there was a lot of trauma. Since leaving home I have been very very fortunate. I own my home outright, I am financially secure, have a great relationship with my husband and two brilliant kids. But I keep worrying that something is going to come and pull the rug from under my feet because that’s whT happened a lot when I was young. I’m just waiting on something like one of us getting I’ll or the house burning down! I also am dealing with a spending addiction, which greatly stems from this. My mother was very controlling and would not buy me anything I needed, so I had no bras that fitted, holes in my clothes and no deodorant/sanitary products. It wasn’t that she couldn’t afford these things she was very well off but just refused, while spending a fortune on my brothers every whim and want. So now everything I want I buy myself and can’t seem to do without! It’s a bit mad isn’t it! So for those of you who had a less than ideal childhood and are in a good place now, do you ever feel like this or do you enjoy it without fear?

You sound very much like me, I too turn to spending and buying 'things'
I have 2 lovely kids and a husband who is amazing but have an underlying wonder every single day that it all will disappear.

I don't think it'll ever go away and definitely keeps me on my toes.

I’m sorry you had such a hard upbringing.

I did too. House of horrors.

I look back on it as an extreme training course in how to not raise kids.

Mine are awesome.

• as long as you’re not putting yourself in debt, spoiling yourself is deserved.

Yes. I had a bad childhood with abuse at home and bullying. I now have a good life, a lovely DH and a baby, good job, good friends. I should be happy. But I spend most of my time worrying about things going wrong and any situation that could happen. Not sure what to do about it!

Have a list of non-spendy treats. But yes, doesn't seem real. I plan a lot still. 😁

This is me too! I’m so anxious about the future, it’s untrue. I also spend too much on ‘treats,’ although I’m very frugal in many ways. It’s almost as if - I need to get it now, as I won’t have chance further down the line - particularly if it’s discounted.

Yep! I think my tendency to stockpile and contingency plan is a result of my childhood .

I did until I had therapy, 3 years with a psychologist, in my early 40’s. I still involuntarily jump when a man enters a room or shop we’re I am. Sometimes when I pass a man while walking too.

I believe that things can't really be as good as they are and I spend a lot of time trying to guess what horrible thing will happen to me or my (nuclear) family.

OP I also didn't have sanitary products. I was given a rag to reuse or toilet paper. Also not anything to do with household income (two professional incomes coming in). I feel a weird sense of guilt buying copious amounts of san pro every month.

I could have written your post.

I certainly overcompensate with my own children, they are dressed well, get hair cuts regularly, they have everything they need for school on time. I'm the idiot buying everything for back to school as soon as it hits the shops in June.

They have no clue how it feels to take a torn netto carrier as a school bag, not have any stationary in September Or be the only one who can't swim at 12.

It wasn't a lack of money in my house either.

I've just asked to be referred for therapy as I think my upbringing is still having a negative effect on me even though I'm mid-40s. I'm an anxious people-pleaser and I always have this feeling that things are going to go wrong

You sound a lot like me too, I’m also a spender. The more depressed I am, the more I buy so if DH sees ten parcels coming every day he generally knows I’m feeling low unless it’s Christmas.

@KaleJuicer

I believe that things can't really be as good as they are and I spend a lot of time trying to guess what horrible thing will happen to me or my (nuclear) family.

OP I also didn't have sanitary products. I was given a rag to reuse or toilet paper. Also not anything to do with household income (two professional incomes coming in). I feel a weird sense of guilt buying copious amounts of san pro every month.

This too, I caught myself about to DH off for going mad in the shopping the other week, he had bought 4 boxes of tampax as it was on offer.

Do you live with a fear that it will somehow be taken away?

The short answer is yes. I always have a plan A, B, C etc for lots of hypothetical bad outcomes. I vividly remember I struggled to bond with my baby when he was born and a lot of that was because I loved him so much that I was so scared I'd lose him and daren't let myself get close. Overall the fear has worked to both my advantage and disadvantage over the years.

Mine has manifested in Generalised anxiety and panic attacks. I've sought counselling and it's much more under control than it used to be, if you haven't already looked into professional help then I'd highly recommend it.

The upside of the Generalised anxiety and the overthinking that comes with it is that I am a natural planner. Very organised, very detailed orientated, love to learn and research so I can understand all angles of a problem and come up with several solutions. I just have to try to use that for good reasons... and not for hypothetically working my way out of a disaster scenario that hasn't (and shouldn't) happen.

I feel very secure in my life. I worked very hard to build a stable household and take great pride in knowing that I am providing a much better life for my child. I actually think in some ways it’s easier if you had a bad childhood. You know all too well what happens if you don’t follow the perfect path. Or perhaps it just turned me into an uptight, anxiety prone adult, but I’ve got a good job, a nice house, and my child is getting an excellent start in life.

My DH has terrible anxiety which stems from an abusive, poverty stricken childhood. He has terrible imposter syndrome and feels like everything is going to collapse around him. He is much more confident these days than when we met but it still takes a toll on him and little knock backs can be catastrophic.

He can manage it with medication and some counselling and being NC with his revolting excuse for a mother. I don’t think it will ever go away though.

Yes I have this same problem. Life is very good for us now, though we don't earn very much money. We have an amazing lifestyle though and are very lucky.

Due to a traumatic and rather chaotic childhood, I am constantly in fear of the rug being pulled. I get particularly anxious whenever anything to do with money comes up - which is of course all the time, because being an adult is just paying bills over and over again.

I get a twinge of fear even when I get my normal electricity bills in my email inbox. As soon as the bills are paid - even when they're big ones - the anxiety goes away.

I don't know if this would be better if we had more of a savings buffer (we have six months' worth), because it's not a rational fear in the first place. I suppose people who are actually rich don't have these feelings, but there are plenty of people less well off than us who don't have them either.

Yes, absolutely - and also like I don’t deserve the nice things I do have. Quality psychotherapy has been ( and continues to be) massively helpful.

Yes, things were not stable at home and I grew up expecting the worst to happen. I learned in therapy that it’s called ‘Catastrophizing’ ’ and can occur if you grew up in an unpredictable or stressful environment.

Yes, things were not stable at home and I grew up expecting the worst to happen. I learned in therapy that it’s called ‘Catastrophizing’ ’ and can occur if you grew up in an unpredictable or stressful environment.

I often find myself fantasising about worst case scenarios and thinking up contingency plans about what I will do if, for example someone breaks into the house at night, if there’s a fire, stockpiling in case of shortages, etc.

Growing up we never had any money, my parents were divorced by the time I started secondary school, and although my mum worked hard, she wasn't well paid, had no savings, and things were tough. I'd have liked to stay on and do A levels and go to Uni, but it just wasn't an option, my wages were needed.
I've worked hard, and worked my way up through some awful jobs and living conditions since leaving school, am married and now through hard work and determination I have a decent and relatively well paid job, my mortgage is paid off now, and I have some savings. I'd love to drop to part time, but I'm so scared of being poor that I can't bring myself to cut my hours, and although my job is OK it's not great, but the thought of dropping to a lower salary to do something I'd enjoy more is terrifying for that reason.
I am, however, really proud of where I've got to with a tricky start in life, and hope that my scrimping and saving for this reason hasn't damaged my children too much. Half of me wants to splash out on things, half is always saving for a rainy day.
My eldest is starting Uni soon, and I've put some money aside to help her with that, my 2nd is GCSE's, my youngest year 10. Many who they go to school with are from very affluent families, who go on 2 expensive holidays a year / drive new cars / wear the latest fashion, so I do worry mine see this and feel deprived, but the fear of poverty is terrible.

Yup, my mind always has a background script that goes - it won’t last, something bad will happen.

There is no way I’d be lucky enough to keep everything I have until old age. And when I say everything, I’m sure it’s just ‘normal’ stuff most people take for granted; keep my child safe and loved and out of danger, family healthy (enough), solvent, ok jobs, friends around.

I’m convinced something awful will happen.

Yup, my mind always has a background script that goes - it won’t last, something bad will happen.

There is no way I’d be lucky enough to keep everything I have until old age. And when I say everything, I’m sure it’s just ‘normal’ stuff most people take for granted; keep my child safe and loved and out of danger, family healthy (enough), solvent, ok jobs, friends around.

I’m convinced something awful will happen.

OP I feel your pain.
I’ve also grown up in a very unstable home with an abusive father with a volatile temper and an enabling mother. He would sometimes go into my room to deliberately destroy things I loved and my mothers answer to that was to advice me to hide my lovely things instead of leaving him. Or cosmetics that I needed to take care of my acne prone skin/make up were taken from me as a punishment if I had done something wrong.

As a result I also tend to buy too many things, always scared that I’ll lose them/ they’ll be destroyed and I’ll end up with nothing. If I love certain piece of clothing I want them in several colors if available so I always have spare stuff. I’m also very scared to appear less then groomed and have more beauty products then anyone I know.

At the same time I’m scared to get attached to too much material things and try to use a minimal skincare and make up routine.

OP I feel your pain.
I’ve also grown up in a very unstable home with an abusive father with a volatile temper and an enabling mother. He would sometimes go into my room to deliberately destroy things I loved and my mothers answer to that was to advice me to hide my lovely things instead of leaving him. Or cosmetics that I needed to take care of my acne prone skin/make up were taken from me as a punishment if I had done something wrong.

As a result I also tend to buy too many things, always scared that I’ll lose them/ they’ll be destroyed and I’ll end up with nothing. If I love certain piece of clothing I want them in several colors if available so I always have spare stuff. I’m also very scared to appear less then groomed and have more beauty products then anyone I know.

At the same time I’m scared to get attached to too much material things and try to use a minimal skincare and make up routine.

This is me exactly. Constant fear that there is some disaster round the corner.