If you had a bad upbringing and life is good now…

[Opal93]

Do you live with a fear that it will somehow be taken away? I had an abusive upbringing, parents relationship was a mess and there was a lot of trauma. Since leaving home I have been very very fortunate. I own my home outright, I am financially secure, have a great relationship with my husband and two brilliant kids. But I keep worrying that something is going to come and pull the rug from under my feet because that’s whT happened a lot when I was young. I’m just waiting on something like one of us getting I’ll or the house burning down! I also am dealing with a spending addiction, which greatly stems from this. My mother was very controlling and would not buy me anything I needed, so I had no bras that fitted, holes in my clothes and no deodorant/sanitary products. It wasn’t that she couldn’t afford these things she was very well off but just refused, while spending a fortune on my brothers every whim and want. So now everything I want I buy myself and can’t seem to do without! It’s a bit mad isn’t it! So for those of you who had a less than ideal childhood and are in a good place now, do you ever feel like this or do you enjoy it without fear?

I had a horrendous childhood.
I own my own home and I'm in a good place but I can't cope with not having full food cupboards.
The thought of there not being enough food sets me on edge

I had a pretty horrible childhood. My parents were alcoholics and they fought constantly. One of my parents on top that, has severe mental illness. Multiple disorders and so the medication mixed with booze was not good. I hated my childhood. I remember coming off this bus from school and praying when I get home, they won't be drunk, getting drunk or fighting. They would even bring strangers from the pub to the house which left me and my younger sibling in danger. Ie abusive people. My father would have affairs too. Lots of violence and neglect. Never had the correct school equipment, always wore the same clothes, head full of nits. It wasn't great. My elder sibling had lots of anger issues and took it out on me and the younger siblings. He cleared offf to join the navy which was a relief. But then one of the younger siblings turned to drugs and incredibly abusive. Violence with knifes and in and out of jail like a yo yo.
I left as soon as I was 18. Married at 19. Now am 34 and we have 5 children together. I am zero contact with them all due to the abusive controlling ways and nasty phone calls. I've been called every name and been through so much rubbish. Had my bank card and money stolen for drugs, beaten with aerosol can in my nose, had my big toe dislocated.
Now I can say I am finally at peace. I have a man who calls me beautiful everyday. We are best friends as well as husband and wife....

But I often feel jealous at people who say they're meeting their mother or big brother for a coffee and shopping and wish I was too. I literally have no one besides my husband and children.

Its unfortunate the way things are but that's why I want to give my kids the best.

My childhood doesn't sound as bad as yours op but it was pretty bad in particular ways that I have been trying to shake the effects off ever since. Now my life is rolling along nicely and the cognitive dissonance is huge. I try not to entertain it and try to run two internal storylines in parallel in my head. So I allow childhood-voice me to expect everything to come crashing round my ears. Then I bring in sensible adult me to say ok that's enough of that silly talk, let's look at the facts. I park the worry voice to the side and if I'm not sure if sensible me isn't being over optimistic I check what dh's perspective is to get an alternative view. 😆
I try not to mention this childhood voice's worries too much cos it can sound to others as though I'm 'being negative' (which I am but not on purpose) or fishing for attention, and it is tedious and pointless too anyone when it looks like all is well. So I try to treat it as a separate thing, a relic curiosity even... 'oh look there's that stranger from the olden days wandering in again' kind of attitude. I probably sound mental now.

I had an abusive father. I left home at 17 and went on to have abusive relationships as it was what I was used to.
I am now with the most incredible man. We've been together for 6 years and married for 4 and he is seriously amazing.
On the very very rare occasion that he gets angry, I automatically panic and worry that he's going to get violent.
He never has and never would but it's built into me that angry men hit.

@AuntMasha

Yes, things were not stable at home and I grew up expecting the worst to happen. I learned in therapy that it’s called ‘Catastrophizing’ ’ and can occur if you grew up in an unpredictable or stressful environment.

I often find myself fantasising about worst case scenarios and thinking up contingency plans about what I will do if, for example someone breaks into the house at night, if there’s a fire, stockpiling in case of shortages, etc.

Oh my God this is me. I don't have much money even now and am a single mum on benefits, so in that respect, just like the family I grew up in. But I try so hard to keep my DC protected and make sure they have haircuts, new clothes, a telly and a nice safe feeling home. But I wrestle inwardly with a constant sense of fear, of waiting for it to all go to shit. I thought it was just me.

I did already understand why, for example, I would stockpile food a bit and worry about bills because of my childhood, but seeing others posts, every one of which I could have written, makes me realise it's actually affecting my life even more than I thought. It's just this constant sense of dread.
I suppose the upside, as others have said, is that I am quite on the ball because of how much I plan and worry. I wonder if I'd still feel like this if I was comfortably off, or wealthy? Perhaps I would.

My childhood doesn't sound as bad as yours op but it was pretty bad in particular ways that I have been trying to shake the effects off ever since. Now my life is rolling along nicely and the cognitive dissonance is huge. I try not to entertain it and try to run two internal storylines in parallel in my head. So I allow childhood-voice me to expect everything to come crashing round my ears. Then I bring in sensible adult me to say ok that's enough of that silly talk, let's look at the facts. I park the worry voice to the side and if I'm not sure if sensible me isn't being over optimistic I check what dh's perspective is to get an alternative view. 😆
I try not to mention this childhood voice's worries too much cos it can sound to others as though I'm 'being negative' (which I am but not on purpose) or fishing for attention, and it is tedious and pointless too anyone when it looks like all is well. So I try to treat it as a separate thing, a relic curiosity even... 'oh look there's that stranger from the olden days wandering in again' kind of attitude. I probably sound mental now.

I feel very safe because I deliberately avoided all the situations which somehow led to my chaotic childhood.

• no husband / in-house partner
• no kids
• self-sufficiency, financially and emotionally
• minimalist and frugality so there's not much to lose anyway

I've done a lot of work on getting rid of all the crutches that I was using as a proxy for wellbeing and as a measure for self-worth, such as

• drinking alcohol
• being in a co-dependant relationship
• having too much stuff
• collecting friends like they're pokemon cards

Still some work to do on the imposter syndrome though.

@RealisticSketch

My childhood doesn't sound as bad as yours op but it was pretty bad in particular ways that I have been trying to shake the effects off ever since. Now my life is rolling along nicely and the cognitive dissonance is huge. I try not to entertain it and try to run two internal storylines in parallel in my head. So I allow childhood-voice me to expect everything to come crashing round my ears. Then I bring in sensible adult me to say ok that's enough of that silly talk, let's look at the facts. I park the worry voice to the side and if I'm not sure if sensible me isn't being over optimistic I check what dh's perspective is to get an alternative view. 😆 I try not to mention this childhood voice's worries too much cos it can sound to others as though I'm 'being negative' (which I am but not on purpose) or fishing for attention, and it is tedious and pointless too anyone when it looks like all is well. So I try to treat it as a separate thing, a relic curiosity even... 'oh look there's that stranger from the olden days wandering in again' kind of attitude. I probably sound mental now.

Sounds very wise to me

We can observe and reflect on the past but mustn’t let it overwhelm our todays

Yes, I had a pretty horrible childhood. My parents were alcoholics and they fought constantly. One of my parents on top that, has severe mental illness. Multiple disorders and so the medication mixed with booze was not good. I hated my childhood. I remember coming off this bus from school and praying when I get home, they won't be drunk, getting drunk or fighting. They would even bring strangers from the pub to the house which left me and my younger sibling in danger. Ie abusive people. My father would have affairs too. Lots of violence and neglect. Never had the correct school equipment, always wore the same clothes, head full of nits. It wasn't great. My elder sibling had lots of anger issues and took it out on me and the younger siblings. He cleared offf to join the navy which was a relief. But then one of the younger siblings turned to drugs and incredibly abusive. Violence with knifes and in and out of jail like a yo yo.
I left as soon as I was 18. Married at 19. Now am 34 and we have 5 children together. I am zero contact with them all due to the abusive controlling ways and nasty phone calls. I've been called every name and been through so much rubbish. Had my bank card and money stolen for drugs, beaten with aerosol can in my nose, had my big toe dislocated.
Now I can say I am finally at peace. I have a man who calls me beautiful everyday. We are best friends as well as husband and wife....

But I often feel jealous at people who say they're meeting their mother or big brother for a coffee and shopping and wish I was too. I literally have no one besides my husband and children...

Its unfortunate the way things are but that's why I want to give my kids the best and give them what I never had.

I have found my people. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying. Sadly bad things do seem to keep happening (unexpected family bereavement recently) and it's like I go back to the start again, just waiting for the next blow

Yes, I had a pretty horrible childhood. My parents were alcoholics and they fought constantly. One of my parents on top that, has severe mental illness. Multiple disorders and so the medication mixed with booze was not good. I hated my childhood. I remember coming off this bus from school and praying when I get home, they won't be drunk, getting drunk or fighting. They would even bring strangers from the pub to the house which left me and my younger sibling in danger. Ie abusive people. My father would have affairs too. Lots of violence and neglect. Never had the correct school equipment, always wore the same clothes, head full of nits. It wasn't great. My elder sibling had lots of anger issues and took it out on me and the younger siblings. He cleared offf to join the navy which was a relief. But then one of the younger siblings turned to drugs and incredibly abusive. Violence with knifes and in and out of jail like a yo yo.
I left as soon as I was 18. Married at 19. Now am 34 and we have 5 children together. I am zero contact with them all due to the abusive controlling ways and nasty phone calls. I've been called every name and been through so much rubbish. Had my bank card and money stolen for drugs, beaten with aerosol can in my nose, had my big toe dislocated.
Now I can say I am finally at peace. I have a man who calls me beautiful everyday. We are best friends as well as husband and wife....

But I often feel jealous at people who say they're meeting their mother or big brother for a coffee and shopping and wish I was too. I literally have no one besides my husband and children...

Its unfortunate the way things are but that's why I want to give my kids the best.

The difference to me is that now I’m in charge of how situations are dealt with. Able to keep warm and secure and fed etc, when you are children you’re dependent on parents

I understand the paranoia. I grew up on a horrible estate, and many of my neighbours were loud, ignorant chavs. In fact, I lived in constant fear. Today, we live a small semi in the countryside. Waking up to the sound of birds, walking the dog through a leafy meadow, etc, is heaven. People round here smile. They say “good afternoon” and stop for a pleasant, civilised conversation. You don’t feel on edge all the time. No one accelerates past you and shouts abuse from their car, they don’t scream and yell and fight in the street, and I don’t have to walk past idiots stinking of skunk.

I still have nightmares about being forced to go back to my old estate. I cope by being kind and polite to everyone I meet. In a way, I’m trying to change the world - to make it as different to my childhood as I can. I call it the ripple philosophy (I’m kind and polite to X, who feels good and is then kind and polite to Y, and so on).

Unfortunately, we’ve just heard that 5,000 new homes are going to be built round here, so the peace and quiet may not last.

@RealisticSketch

My childhood doesn't sound as bad as yours op but it was pretty bad in particular ways that I have been trying to shake the effects off ever since. Now my life is rolling along nicely and the cognitive dissonance is huge. I try not to entertain it and try to run two internal storylines in parallel in my head. So I allow childhood-voice me to expect everything to come crashing round my ears. Then I bring in sensible adult me to say ok that's enough of that silly talk, let's look at the facts. I park the worry voice to the side and if I'm not sure if sensible me isn't being over optimistic I check what dh's perspective is to get an alternative view. 😆 I try not to mention this childhood voice's worries too much cos it can sound to others as though I'm 'being negative' (which I am but not on purpose) or fishing for attention, and it is tedious and pointless too anyone when it looks like all is well. So I try to treat it as a separate thing, a relic curiosity even... 'oh look there's that stranger from the olden days wandering in again' kind of attitude. I probably sound mental now.

Sounds very wise to me

I understand the paranoia. I grew up on a horrible estate, and many of my neighbours were loud, ignorant chavs. In fact, I lived in constant fear. Today, we live a small semi in the countryside. Waking up to the sound of birds, walking the dog through a leafy meadow, etc, is heaven. People round here smile. They say “good afternoon” and stop for a pleasant, civilised conversation. You don’t feel on edge all the time. No one accelerates past you and shouts abuse from their car, they don’t scream and yell and fight in the street, and I don’t have to walk past idiots stinking of skunk.

I still have nightmares about being forced to go back to my old estate. I cope by being kind and polite to everyone I meet. In a way, I’m trying to change the world - to make it as different to my childhood as I can. I call it the ripple philosophy (I’m kind and polite to X, who feels good and is then kind and polite to Y, and so on).

Unfortunately, we’ve just heard that 5,000 new homes are going to be built round here, so the peace and quiet may not last.

My dad was emotionally abusive and when my mum died when I was 12 I was obviously left with him. We were poor but he always found money for fags and booze. My childhood, especially after 12, was shit.

I never wanted to be married or have children as I saw that as being the route to misery - being tied to a man just like my dad. Well I do have a daughter and I am in a committed relationship with her father but I won’t get married. He isn’t like my father but the fear exists.

Career wise, I have been fairly successful and I could have progressed even further but the higher up the ladder I went, the greater the imposter syndrome grew. I feel anxious a lot of the time and my worry and fear comes out as snappiness, over-planning, gathering resources and having a contingency for any possible outcome of any situation. I had counselling and then realised that this wasn’t normal.

I worry about everything and, this is the crazy bit, I just want to get to the end of my life so I can be an old lady and look back and see that I got ‘there’ and didn’t make any major mistakes in my life.

No one ever believes I am such a worrier as from the outside I am confident, assured and have everything sorted. However, growing up always showing the world I was fine, being too ashamed for outsiders to see there were problems has meant I have built an amazing range of masks to hide behind.

Yes, I had a pretty horrible childhood. My parents were alcoholics and they fought constantly. One of my parents on top that, has severe mental illness. Multiple disorders and so the medication mixed with booze was not good. I hated my childhood. I remember coming off this bus from school and praying when I get home, they won't be drunk, getting drunk or fighting. They would even bring strangers from the pub to the house which left me and my younger sibling in danger. Ie abusive people. My father would have affairs too. Lots of violence and neglect. Never had the correct school equipment, always wore the same clothes, head full of nits. It wasn't great. My elder sibling had lots of anger issues and took it out on me and the younger siblings. He cleared offf to join the navy which was a relief. But then one of the younger siblings turned to drugs and incredibly abusive. Violence with knifes and in and out of jail like a yo yo.
I left as soon as I was 18. Married at 19. Now am 34 and we have 5 children together. I am zero contact with them all due to the abusive controlling ways and nasty phone calls. I've been called every name and been through so much rubbish. Had my bank card and money stolen for drugs, beaten with aerosol can in my nose, had my big toe dislocated.
Now I can say I am finally at peace. I have a man who calls me beautiful everyday. We are best friends as well as husband and wife....

But I often feel jealous at people who say they're meeting their mother or big brother for a coffee and shopping and wish I was too. I literally have no one besides my husband and children...

Its unfortunate the way things are but that's why I want to give my kids the best and give them what I never had.

Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm very frugal as my parents were financially irresponsible but I'm always feeling as though something is going to go wrong. I have dreams where loved ones die or anxiety that I'm awful at my job when it's completely untrue.

I think I've also become more cautious. I've always wanted to go freelance but I keep talking myself out of it because of low confidence.

Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm very frugal as my parents were financially irresponsible but I'm always feeling as though something is going to go wrong. I have dreams where loved ones die or anxiety that I'm awful at my job when it's completely untrue.

I think I've also become more cautious. I've always wanted to go freelance but I keep talking myself out of it because of low confidence.

Yes I can relate to that. I had a toxic and dysfunctional upbringing (parental mental health issues, alcoholism, violence and instability).

I have a very stable adult life. A stable job that I enjoy. A wonderful husband who is calm and supportive. Two wonderful kids. I would like better financial stability, but we're doing ok.

I know my marriage is stable. But at the back of my mind I worry about other things going wrong. Losing my job, making some huge mistake so my career is over, me or Dh becoming really ill, kids dying in a accident etc. It's a form of intrusive thoughts. They are not so strong so I can just ignore them.

Yes I can relate to that. I had a toxic and dysfunctional upbringing (parental mental health issues, alcoholism, violence and instability).

I have a very stable adult life. A stable job that I enjoy. A wonderful husband who is calm and supportive. Two wonderful kids. I would like better financial stability, but we're doing ok.

I know my marriage is stable. But at the back of my mind I worry about other things going wrong. Losing my job, making some huge mistake so my career is over, me or Dh becoming really ill, kids dying in a accident etc. It's a form of intrusive thoughts. They are not so strong so I can just ignore them.

Yes. I had a dysfunctional childhood. I too had/have a spending addiction almost from the moment I got my first pay packet. I realised it had got out of hand when I'd burnt through mine and my husbands equity from our house sale and I'd been transferring it over from our savings (£50K and I wasted £20K), we were saving for a deposit on our next house and in rented accommodation. I couldn't just buy one pair of boots, if I liked them I had to have every colour available. Same with jeans, underwear, T-shirt's etc. Mostly clothing but occasionally cosmetics too, so if I liked a lipstick I would get one in every colour. I couldn't even begin to tell you who I thought I was impressing. I was too frightened to tell my husband what I'd done so sought counselling to find a way to tell him but instead we worked on my self esteem. Eventually I was brave enough to tell him. Counselling helped me, now and again I have a momentary relapse where I browse Toast or Brora or LookFantastic website and fill a basket but never press checkout, but for the most part counselling has worked. As the years have gone on it is easier to recognise my trigger points and I can talk myself out of it.

Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm very frugal as my parents were financially irresponsible but I'm always feeling as though something is going to go wrong. I have dreams where loved ones die or anxiety that I'm awful at my job when it's completely untrue.

I think I've also become more cautious. I've always wanted to go freelance but I keep talking myself out of it because of low confidence.

Gosh there are a lot of us! When I was growing up after my birth mother left me age 6 and my dad, he married my coercive awful stepmother when I was 11. Life was awful, I left home at 18 and made my own happy life having had a good career and a good marriage and have birth and adopted children. However like many others I am over cautious but I try to be a better mum than my two "mothers "