Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be annoyed with DH and his headphones

35 replies

FishintheStream · 12/05/2021 12:25

DH like to listen to things through headphones - watching TV on his phone whilst washing up, listening to music or podcasts whilst working, cleaning, tidying doing laundry, gardening, painting, going to sleep... Essentially unless we are watching TV, playing a game or eating, he has his headphones in. With working from home and not going out, I have noticed this so much more, and although this is not something new, I am finding it increasingly frustrating.

I cannot talk to him without getting his attention first. We can never have a spontaneous conversation. Also, when we are both working/busy and I want to ask him something quickly (e.g. what time can you have lunch? Have you fed the cat?) I find it very annoying, as I have to go into the room, tap him on the shoulder, wait for him to take his headphones out, and he always has this air that I've disturbed him in the middle of something, but he is ALWAYS busy with his headphones in, so I feel I have no choice.

He never hears the door, or his granny ringing on his iPad, or the timer on the oven beeping, or the washing machine shouting that it's finished, or anything that's going on, so I have to deal with all that stuff, or at the very least alert him to it.

On one hand, it is his way of getting stuff done, he's always done the same, and he likes it, so I have always put up with it.

On the other hand, I am currently pregnant and I made a comment about how he'll have to get used to not having his headphones in all the time when the baby comes. He was most bemused, and seemingly has no idea that it could be frustrating for me. (I'm imagining baby crying, oven and washing machine both beeping, postman at the door and DP oblivious!)

So AIBU to be annoyed by his headphone use?

OP posts:

TheMShip · 12/05/2021 12:31

Get him bluetooth bone conduction headphones. My DH is also a podcast addict but he uses these and can quite easily hear everything else that's going on. One quick tap on the side and it pauses what's playing. They're better for your hearing/ears than wearing in-ear ones anyway. I've got a pair now too, I kept nicking his. AfterShokz is the brand we've got.

TheMShip · 12/05/2021 12:32

Oh and YANBU. It drove me potty before too. It's like he just wasn't really present.

OlivePenderghast · 12/05/2021 12:33

I do this and I know it’s really annoying! I have the aftershokz headphones too and sometimes steal my husbands AirPods and just wear on one ear.

BoyTree · 12/05/2021 12:34

Could he try a single earpiece? I'm similar, in as much as I like to make the most of my boring jobs to listen to something interesting, but I have a wanky Bluetooth earpiece so that I can still hear things going on around me and pause easily when needed. Its not ideal for music but it's perfectly fine for podcasts etc.

CRbear · 12/05/2021 12:36

One ear or bone conducting would solve this

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/05/2021 12:40

Day to day round the house - Yanbu.

While he is working - Yabu. You need to pretend he isnt home. Would you call him if he was office based to ask if he had fed the cat? Make your lunch when you are hungry. He can sort his when he is

year5teacher · 12/05/2021 12:40

What’s the point in being in a relationship like this when the other person basically is choosing to spend all their time totally separate to you? I wouldn’t be happy with this.

Notagain20 · 12/05/2021 12:42

I'd hate to live with someone who did that! Sounds very convenient for him to not hear all those things. And he's kind of removing himself from normal day to day human interaction. Ugh no, not OK. He needs to get ready to be fully present for you and his baby.

Watch the tronic still face experiment and see why it's important to be present!

AntiHop · 12/05/2021 12:46

That sounds infuriating and I understand why that annoys. I agree with pp that he should move to one ear.

I watch or listen to things on my tablet when I'm doing housework . But I wouldn't dream of putting earphones in, for the reasons you say.

Notagain20 · 12/05/2021 12:49

@year5teacher

What’s the point in being in a relationship like this when the other person basically is choosing to spend all their time totally separate to you? I wouldn’t be happy with this.

That's what it would feel like to me too. People wear headphones at work as a signal of unavailability. It would feel the same at home.

bananaboats · 12/05/2021 12:52

Fair enough if he's working and I do the same but not wearing them constantly I think that's actually really rude and a conversation would be had!

Mintjulia · 12/05/2021 12:58

If he has trouble understanding what the issue is, take his headphones for a morning, and swap roles.

It shouldn't take long to get the point across

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 12:58

I would probably start chucking things in his direction to get his attention. Really rude of him. Can't believe he thought he could wander around with headphones in all the time with anew baby. How self absorbed.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 12:59

Get yourself some earphones for a while. You don't need to listen to anything, just ignore him.

PhillipPhillop · 12/05/2021 13:05

I've got used to it after decades of calling out and being ignored. He gets cold dinners and missed calls etc as I'm not trekking upstairs etc to yank the headphones out and scream in his ear to pass messages on. In the early days I'd yell FIRE!! FIRE!! and imagine him burnt to a crisp due to his obsession. I'm nicer now

shouldistop · 12/05/2021 13:05

While he's working I think it's fine but not during 'family time'

Triffid1 · 12/05/2021 13:19

DH isn't as bad as this but at times has his headphones in and it also drives me mad, so I sympathise.

However, I think you can only complain in the context of him NOT doing things. So, for example, if you're both at home, working together to do a few chores, it IS annoying because often you need to call out to check on something or get an opinion. But if he's doing the washing up you can't really.

But you can insist that you are not going to be responsible for "listening". So if the door rings and you're with the baby, you won't get it and if he misses a parcel, so be it. If he's responsible for hanging up the washing, that's his problem and if it beeps and he doesn't hear it, it will just have to be hung up later. Similarly, if you have a specific reason why you'd like him to be able to hear you - eg t help with baby, then he needs a new plan.

I generally go with one ear myself.

AnAwesomePossum · 12/05/2021 13:29

My DP does this and I find it infuriating, but find it really hard to explain why. All weekend, headphones are on unless he actually needs to be present somewhere. He can't even take the fucking bins out without first finding something to listen to, which means I can never have an ad hoc conversation with him. He can't even be fully present with our son and needs a headphone in whilst doing any activity with him.

It's getting worse though, because not only is he not listening, but his attention is diverted so if I ask two things (can you take x upstairs and locate y whilst you're up there), he'll forget immediately as he's more interested in the headphones. I am considering ending things (this is only one of the reasons, but it's all cumulative).

Sorry, that's no help to you OP. I just really understand the pain.

Topseyt · 12/05/2021 13:38

This drives me up the wall. DH doesn't do it but DD1 (25) does it, as does DD3 (18) when home from university. DD2 (22) isn't anywhere near as bad.

We actually have an old horn (a small one that you have to blow into, but it is quite loud). I give a blast on that sometimes and it seems to cut across everything. Gives them the blast or kick up the arse that they need.

Sexnotgender · 12/05/2021 13:42

He can't even be fully present with our son and needs a headphone in whilst doing any activity with him.

Your poor boy! That’s shit parenting 🙁

BrioLover · 12/05/2021 13:47

My DH started doing this when I bought him some AirPods - drove me potty. After a few 'robust discussions' we've agreed that he has them in during work, as we don't need to talk to each other then anyway, but during things like time with kids, weekends etc. they stay out of his ears. I don't think he realised how frustrating it was until he had a load of jobs piling up because he didn't hear things like the doorbell or the dishwasher when I was on a call/video meeting and couldn't tell him and when the kids started shouting DADDY at him to get his attention.

AnAwesomePossum · 12/05/2021 13:49

@Sexnotgender

He can't even be fully present with our son and needs a headphone in whilst doing any activity with him.

Your poor boy! That’s shit parenting 🙁

Without derailing OP's thread it's his attitude to our son that is one of the overriding factors of me wanting to end things. Our DS is lovely and a delight to talk to so it breaks my heart watching it.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 12/05/2021 13:52

I think while working or while completing a task then that's fair enough but definitely not all the time! I would have a convo (a proper convo not just some remarks) about how it's upsetting you and about how you accept this helps him through work etc but that you need this stop all the time.

comingintomyown · 12/05/2021 13:55

No you aren’t being unreasonable at all , incredibly detaching behaviour and much more than just not hearing the washing machine finish. I agree with the suggestion to swap places for a day

sashh · 12/05/2021 13:57

I can't comment on the other headphones recommended but having deaf friends made me think you could set up your house as if he's deaf eg when someone rings the doorbell the lights all flash then dim.

You could do a modified version if you have alexa or siri.

Or you could go old school and get a pager with a vibrate setting.

Flip

1 2