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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH's cavalier attitude to spreading illness

26 replies

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 08:35

I'm getting sick of OH's cavalier attitude toward spreading illness, quite literally much of the time.

He appears to have a very strong immune system and never gets sick, even when everybody around him is laid up with whatever at the time.

I've lost count of the amount of times he has brought his older children here when they're full of cold, tonsillitis, D&V without giving me so much as a heads up.

Which brings me to now. Me (pregnant) and my two have had an awful virus (covid negative) for a week now, coughing sneezing wheezing now me and DD have been vomiting and have a bad stomach. As usual OH is just fine

Its his day with DSC today and he has no intention of forewarning his ex that we're so unwell, so he's going to expose them to this just because he doesn't want to disrupt plans.

His ex is a single parent who also has a toddler so if she were to get this then what's she going to do when she needs to be laid up herself?

AIBU to think he's incredibly selfish and tell him exactly that?

OP posts:

skirk64 · 12/05/2021 08:48

YANBU. Only scum don't care about spreading illnesses. They say things like "it's just a cold" which is utter bullshit, it might be a runny nose to one person but could be debilitating to someone prone to vertigo, or life-threatening to someone with a weakened immune system.

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/05/2021 08:48

Yanbu but he just sounds like a knob really OP.

I couldn't be bothered with someone who was happy to risk mine and the children's health in the name of boastfully preening about his own good health and prioritising his own convenience over others wellbeing so brazenly.

It all sounds very crass. Being generally healthy and able is a huge, huge privilege. He makes himself look bad by not having the good grace to realise that is the case. I expect he would change his mind in a split second if it were him that were falling ill or having to suffer, if the shoe was on the other foot.

Dogscanteatonions · 12/05/2021 08:49

YANBU - he should at least give people the heads up and let them make their own decision. Days he has his kids could be changed round for example.

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 08:57

I call him the super spreader behind his back because he never, ever gets ill despite clearly incubating things.

The household came down with covid last year, all of us were mildly unwell except him. I say mild only to empathise that we didn't need hospital treatment but it was extremely unpleasant nevertheless.

I'm convinced he brought it home from work as I was that concerned about catching it I barely went anywhere at the time.

I agree he's very very fortunate that he has such good health. I cant relate personally because my immune system is shit, more than ever during pregnancy.

OP posts:

JMJTHEWEEDONKEY · 12/05/2021 08:57

Definitely not being unreasonable. I really cannot stand people who behave like that as there is zero consideration to other people's health. Complete lack of empathy.

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 08:58

They say things like "it's just a cold" which is utter bullshit

Yep that's him all over.

He's here now. I'm going to tell him about himself.

OP posts:

kalikkma · 12/05/2021 08:59

He should let his ex know BUT they are his children and illness in either household is not a reason to change access arrangements.

grapewine · 12/05/2021 09:00

He sounds a knob, like PP said. I'd be telling him that. Utterly selfish.

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 09:00

@kalikkma

He should let his ex know BUT they are his children and illness in either household is not a reason to change access arrangements.

Of course, though the other parent has every right to decide whether or not they want to risk being ill/the children being ill.

OP posts:

KFleming · 12/05/2021 09:01

YANBU generally, but I think it’s a bit unreasonable to complain about his children being there with a cold, he can’t tell his ex “sorry I know it’s my day with them but they have a cold so they can’t come”.
D&V is a bit different, especially as I doubt the kids appreciate getting up and travelling to your house with a stomach bug. And he should definitely let his ex know that you are ill.

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 09:06

I don't disagree with you. I don't think contact should change because of a cold per se, just that he needs to be letting the other party know when there's illness especially things more debilitating.

I've had him send her a text and explain what the deal is here, if I hadn't got on at him then he wouldn't have bothered and that's unacceptable imo.

OP posts:

AnUnoriginalUsername · 12/05/2021 09:08

It drives me insane when people just pass stuff around. PILs are terrible for it but they do get ill, they just don't seem to understand why. They invited us round for dinner when they had D&V once, we ended up missing work being insanely ill and they're like "yeah we were badly over the weekend, must be something going round"

Lipz · 12/05/2021 09:09

I'd be livid if someone knowingly exposed my kids to illness and never warned me. It takes a couple of minutes to inform the other parent and let them decide, it's not up to him to make this decision alone.

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 09:12

I'm glad people don't think I'm being precious. I don't think you can wrap children in cotton wool and not all illnesses are avoidable but ffs take some responsibility.

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 12/05/2021 09:14

I’m with him. It’s life as a parent. You’re not send g yours away, why should he demand that his kids don’t come to see him because they might catch your kids illness?

Do you keep your kids off school as soon as you hear that one in their class has a cold?

He should take precaution to limit the possibility of infection but that’s that.

Hankunamatata · 12/05/2021 09:16

I'd appreciate a head up that you have a vomiting bug in the house is I was dh ex

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 09:18

@vivainsomnia

I’m with him. It’s life as a parent. You’re not send g yours away, why should he demand that his kids don’t come to see him because they might catch your kids illness?

Do you keep your kids off school as soon as you hear that one in their class has a cold?

He should take precaution to limit the possibility of infection but that’s that.

Eh?

Nobody is suggesting he demands that his DC don't come.

My point is he has a responsibility to let their mother know that everybody is ill, so she can make an informed decision as to whether she wants to risk contagion.

His "it's just a cold" attitude to every ailment has the potential to fuck up peoples entire week. For all he knows she might be due to see her elderly parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 09:20

Do you keep your kids off school as soon as you hear that one in their class has a cold?

No, but when mine do have a visible illness I don't send them. If they're recovering from having something I always tell the nursery in advance. I don't believe it's ok to be cavalier when it comes to spreading viruses.

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 12/05/2021 09:23

Yeah he should definitely tell his ex that you’ve been sick. She may send them round anyway but then that’s her choice. I wouldn’t.

Original poster

4rollsoflooroll · 12/05/2021 09:26

She just called and is happy for them to come which is fine by me, my point was that she (and me previously) had the right to know in advance.

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 12/05/2021 09:27

Sorry OP, I misunderstood your concerns. I agree that he should inform his ex.

user648482729 · 12/05/2021 09:31

There’s 3 children at DSDs house including her and 2 at ours so in the winter one child probably always has a cold so we don’t tend to mention that to each other (as in DH and his ex) but we definitely would about D&V or a particularly nasty bug or cold. If my DSD is ill then she likes to stay at home anyway as like a lot of kids she wants her mum.
My DH is similar in terms of not getting ill, it’s always me and the DC but he is cautious that he doesn’t want the DC to get ill and spread it around.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/05/2021 09:33

I wouldn’t want to send my DC to a house with a vomiting bug harbouring there, contact time or not.

user648482729 · 12/05/2021 09:34

Actually during covid times we always let each other know about colds now I think about it as we all want to have to avoid time off/testing etc.
I don’t really agree with your comments about what if she was going to see her elderly parents; that means he doesn’t get to see his kids because his ex might have certain plans

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2021 09:36

My ex was a bit like that, save for the never getting anything badly bit.

Whenever he had anything he would spread it liberally - tissues all over the place, sneezing at the dinner table without covering his face etc.

Irony is he can’t bear other people being ill and won’t look after anyone who is. Couldn’t bear for me to stop for a second with an illness (even if he’d given it to me!) for example.

He’s an ex now!

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