Tell me honestly how having a baby affected your relationship/life

[FeckImBoiling]

I'm 29, good career, studying in the evening and been in a long term relationship with my DP who is 38. He isn't fussed about more children (he has one child from a previous relationship) but will have another if I'd like one.

We have a good relationship, we have lovely holidays x3 a year, we have a good social life and we love being able to do things spontaneously. We have a lot of disposable income, we live together (renting) but have just had our agreement in principle and are searching for our own home. He is my biggest supporter and the love of my life. I love his DD too, she's fab.

I am 50/50 about trying but I don't want it to ruin my relationship with DP, I'm scared I'd be a rubbish mum, I'm worried about the weight gain as I'm already quite chunky. I worry about the financial implications, I worry about giving up my freedom.

Can I have your truly honest thoughts, please?

The best analogy I’ve heard of is that having children is like winning the lottery and having your leg blown off on the same day.
Everything I worried about has not happened, a bunch of stuff I forgot to worry about has happened, all my kids are a complete delight and joy and I love them to the moon and back, my career is a mess and my insides have been rearranged in an unpleasant fashion. I love my husband and he is an amazing father but sometimes I feel like haven’t seen him since 2014.

@RhodaDendron that's perfect. Literally couldnt have explained it better myself!

I really really wanted children, and now that I have my baby I am so delighted with him. He is the most exciting, rewarding little bomb to ever go off in my life and I cherish him.

Simultaneously, I miss my old life and who I used to be. I miss the lazy mornings in bed, the chilled weekends, the fun plans. The freedom to put myself first - to rest if I needed it, to have quiet time, to pursue my own interests first and foremost.

Would I go back? Absolutely not - my baby has changed me fundamentally into someone who could only ever be happy by being his mother. But if I hadn’t ever had him, I would have been happy and have had other opportunities.

There’s no right or wrong answer - and you may never be sure, regardless of what you choose. Absolutely everything is going to change if you have a baby, and your new life will be something you can’t imagine or escape (and you won’t want to). Whether that thought terrifies or excites you might help you decide what to do!

Mine are teens now. Honestly I loved it and want to do it all again. No regrets.

I mean, what @RhodaDendron said really. I absolutely love motherhood but felt very ready and was yearning for a baby before. I was 30 and we’d had nearly a decade together already having non-baby adventures (travel, back to uni for postgrad study, lots of gigs/festivals, fun with friends, establishing careers, buying a house) so that has made it easier I think, in that I feel we made the most of our time pre-parenthood so I’m less bothered by temporarily not doing non-kid stuff.

It is a huge change though and we chose to each work part time so besides breastfeeding the load is pretty equal. Most of my friends don’t have that (I reckon the average labour split in parenting is about 80:30 mum:dad) and I think that makes it much more intense - so worth working out in advance which of you will do what childcare wise (no judgement, I think loads of different arrangements can all work, just it’s worth making sure you’re on the same page with expectations).

My biggest issue was that sex was numb and unfulfilling for 18 months post birth thanks to nerve damage. That was really shit.

I’d still do it again in a heartbeat. Nobody tells you how joyous it can be, how funny you will find your own child, or how refreshingly you will no longer have the energy for other people’s bullshit. I’ve found it freeing and affirming and really good fun.

It does stop you doing what you want. However it's generally worth it. Different things become rewarding. I would say it depends on what your life is like before hand.
But don't imagine you can't have a happy life without a child - it's not true (unless you want a child so much that it is going to stop you being happy without one).
If you don't have a child you will have different opportunities and experiences so you won't miss out.
As for how it affects your relationship...for us it's been positive overall, bit also hasn't made an enormous difference. But a lot of couples split up after having a child..so it depends

It wasnt a decision I made with my head whether or not I wanted children..there was no pros and cons lost.. It was a physical yearning to need to have a baby.. like when I'm hungry I have to eat kind of thing

*list

We have a good relationship, we have lovely holidays x3 a year, we have a good social life and we love being able to do things spontaneously. We have a lot of disposable income, we live together

All this sounds exactly like me and my husband! We seriously live great lives, do everything we want to do and we're always planning some new adventure! We're just expecting our first child at the moment so can't answer your question but I will say I'm not worried about it because our relationship is so strong.

I spent a LOT of time and money and heartbreak becoming a mum.

At one point fertility treatment put me in intensive care (long story) and I kept going.

My baby is my absolute world.

But God it’s hard work. Pandemic not helping. I would pay £1000 right now for a lazy Saturday with morning sex, Netflix under a blanket and a bacon butty eaten at leisure.

It’s hard on your relationship, your finances, your career and your sense of self. If you don’t feel like you HAVE to be a mum, I’d wait a while until you do.

Be prepared to have a 'non perfect' child.

It's very, very challenging raising an atypical child (for me anyway).

I love them but my life is really difficult for all sorts of reasons.

Chances are you'll have a kid with no difficulties but maybe not.

My relationship with OH is nothing like it used to be.

My career tanked. My body has never recovered. I don't say out loud that I regret it but I do often daydream about a different life.

I also had pretty bad pre and post natal depression which was beyond my control.

I didn't feel the 'rush of love' when they were born. A few weeks later I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and a fierce desire to protect them.

They can be funny, interesting, but I've never really connected with them and that makes me very sad.

I feel like a failure as a parent even though I know I've worked hard and done my best.

So yeah, I'm sure it can be lovely. But it can also be pretty shit.

You asked for honesty!!

It's like a bomb going off in your life! Everything changes, but you're still you and your relationship is still with the person you chose and you take on this new adventure together and it beings you closer in ways you never imagined. So a bomb goes off but you don't really mind. I mean sometimes you do, but overwhelmingly in my experience you're just so consumed with all the new things that while I might miss my old life I wouldn't want to go back to it. I think you've still got time at 29, you don't need to rush just yet

I’d say having babies has personally given my life more meaning, I was absolutely desperate to have kids. I do feel that I live for my boys rather than myself at the moment. I miss the way I used to look and feel physically and all the freedom, and yes my relationship has definitely suffered, but I have two under 2.5 so think it’s an intense time that will hopefully continue to ease a little. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship and are still so young too. Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

Just be aware that being pregnant and giving birth can cause trauma from the past to resurface. That, along with crazy post birth hormones and no sleep can really play havoc with your mental health for a long time after giving birth. I wish I had known this!

Savour and enjoy your life as it is now, because it will completely change with babies and it may not be change that you will like (my personal experience).

Good luck and wish you all the best

It’s only done good things for us as people and our relationship. DH had two already and we were desperate for one together which was just as well when it took several years and we had 5 miscarriages and I had a couple of operations along the way. If we hadn’t both been so keen we’d have given up.

Because we were already living family life most of the time with his DC we didn’t have loads of money or free time and a lot of friends have children so social stuff worked around that. I didn’t gain much weight, lost it all quickly and look pretty much the same despite sizeable CS scar. Breastfeeding is the best diet I know of.

DD is a joy, the absolute light of my life. Our marriage is better than ever. I have more things to love and admire DH for all the time. I’d have handfuls more if we could.

I wouldn’t do it if your partner isn’t 100% on board.

1. Your career will be hugely impacted.
2. Your kids will wake you up almost every night.
3. Your relationship will change not just with your partner but also with all of your friends.
4. You won't be able to socialise much at all.
5. You will be tied to the school run twice a day.
6. You both sound very casual about bringing a life into the world.
7. Getting a mortgage as well as aiming to conceive are very big things. I'd get the mortgage settled first.
8. Get used to 1 holiday a year & then it being mostly about the kids.

Partner nearly died with both of ours due to the NHS. Would he cope on his own with a child he says he's only having if you want one?

If I am being entirely honest, becoming parents does change your relationship with your DP. How can it not? You go from being a couple, who can do what you want when you want, with only the two of you to consider.

Once baby arrives, even popping to the shop for a pint of milk, becomes like a military operation, you can’t just grab your purse and go. Invariably baby will do an explosive poo just as you are about to leave and then needs not only a nappy change but a whole new outfit etc.

Having said all that, being mum to my now adults sons, is without doubt the best thing ever, I have loved every minute. DH & I are still happily married. But I can’t imagine that anyone would describe their relationship as the same pre & post children, not necessarily worse, but different.

Good luck with whatever decision you make OP.

I'm Exhausted after trying to keep my 2 year old alive today - that's kind of what it's been for the last two years lol 😂 but it's the best thing in the world.

The trouble is You can never have too many adventures and great days out long lie ins and spontaneous meals out etc.

It doesn't compare to the Love i have for DD and the way she makes me laugh but of course I miss the life before.

It's a cliche but you really Cant understand what it feels like until you have children - to describe it as wining a lottery and loosing a leg sums it up wonderfully !

Be prepared to have a 'non perfect' child. It's very, very challenging raising an atypical child (for me anyway).

And MUCH less rare than you might realise. Out of my close friends to have children, I'd say 25% have some kind of medical issue, developmental difference, disability etc

My main question would be what's your support network like? Fit and healthy family members who are nearby and would want to be involved? Great network of friends with young children? Looking to move to an area which is family friendly and you won't get neighbours banging on the walls (I suggest ac semi detached house at least if you can)?

I didn't really have that support network and found it very hard and lonely at times.

My career is pretty decent actually, in some ways I'm more focused and disciplined than pre-kids. But it has taken sacrifice and work and I would still undoubtedly be further along and get paid more if I'd never had them.

My body has bounced back well on physical appearance. I can wear the same clothes and am pretty much the same weight. Nonetheless it is permanently affected in small ways - my breasts, my abs, my pelvic floor.

I'm coming out of the baby fug years - my youngest is 3 - and I feel like me again but finding time to be me also takes sacrifice and juggling and is still too rare. There is no doubt that life was much practically easier before we had them, and we certainly had a hell of a lot more money.

Our relationship has changed. It's still strong and good but I used to idolise DH a little and since we had DC he's fallen off his pedestal. I see his flaws now and there are more challenges. He probably feels the same about me. We have a good balance domestically but it's taken time and arguing and negotiating to get there and I dare say we have resented each other at times, because now it is a competition for solo time and independence, because only one of us can have it at a time.

I adore them and would do it again, but there has certainly been a cost.

@nanbread
I didn't realise it was that high, it feels like we're the only ones sometimes.
I did build up a group of friends but as we don't 'fit in' they've drifted away.

We also have no family support network and it's incredibly lonely.

I should say that of course children with disabilities or are atypical are just as amazing as any other child and most parents probably don't feel anything like I do.

Just be prepared for the child you will have, not the one you dream about.

I think so much depends on these things:

• if you earn a good wage and company supports mothers or not
• If your DH actually does 50/50 (mine does and always has but seems rare)
• personalities of children - boisterous loud boys or two would be a nightmare
• abilities anxieties etc of kids. If not particularly good at anything or always behind at school and friend issues etc Def harder
• overall money to improve body/ mind. I've had lipo on legs, Botox, hypnotherapy due to birth distress etc. All costs. But I look the same as before now.

Just a lottery really.

Your life sounds idyllic to me.

What really shocked me was the loss of freedom, if you value spontaneity you may struggle with being so tied.

Agree with@nanbread regarding support network, also be prepared for offers off babysitting to not come to fruition, especially if your child is less than angelic.

Fine really, probably cemented us overall. But - we had two kids without health problems who slept well and weren't too demanding, we had two sets of parents who could and did babysit nearby so we still got out quite a lot. I was never a very spontaneous person anyway, so I didn't especially miss that.

Weight - TBH the vast majority of mums I know did not put on any significant weight with pregnancy, and those who did put on any lost most of it naturally looking after kids. I don't think weight gain is a forgone conclusion when you have kids, and too much is made of it.