Tell me honestly how having a baby affected your relationship/life

[FeckImBoiling]

I'm 29, good career, studying in the evening and been in a long term relationship with my DP who is 38. He isn't fussed about more children (he has one child from a previous relationship) but will have another if I'd like one.

We have a good relationship, we have lovely holidays x3 a year, we have a good social life and we love being able to do things spontaneously. We have a lot of disposable income, we live together (renting) but have just had our agreement in principle and are searching for our own home. He is my biggest supporter and the love of my life. I love his DD too, she's fab.

I am 50/50 about trying but I don't want it to ruin my relationship with DP, I'm scared I'd be a rubbish mum, I'm worried about the weight gain as I'm already quite chunky. I worry about the financial implications, I worry about giving up my freedom.

Can I have your truly honest thoughts, please?

Everything changes. 99% of the time not in a bad way though. But I do sometimes wonder what I spent all my free time doing. And I rarely have a conversation with my husband that doesn't include our children in some way. But I wouldn't change it for the world and my parents do have them for sleepovers once every 3 weeks for a night which massively helps!

It's really, really tiring!
It's good. But I'm so exhausted!

Can't be so bad cause I'm pregnant with number 2!
But if you like going anywhere on a whim, drinking, going to fancy restaurants, long lies, staying up late watching TV etc.. then be prepared to put all that on hold for a long time.
It's hard work, thankless, you need to be a team

In the first 6 months to a year it really effected my relationship with DH; our lives were suddenly very different and I resented him massively and sleep deprivation made me quite snappy. At times I think we were just clinging on but once we were through that I’ve loved seeing DH being a dad to our DC and it’s made me love him more and reinforced that we are a team and support each other.
All my friends started having DC around the time I did so although my social life has become more about play dates than going for drinks that would have happened anyway as far as I can see and when we do go out I enjoy it that much more.
My career has plateaued for a while and I’m ok with that and yes sometimes I imagine what I’d do with all the extra money but I’m ok with that too.
The loss of freedom was the biggest shock in a way and still is but for me it is so worth it.

Best thing I’ve ever done. Watching my children and husband together gives me a happiness I didn’t even know existed.

We have lived our life together, ten years before our first child so have experienced that part of our partnership. Now we’re in the family part and I wouldn’t change a thing.
(Maybe his ability to load a dishwasher, and get rid of his mother....)

I think prioritise getting married and buying a house first and then a decision about having a baby will come naturally after.

The best analogy I’ve heard of is that having children is like winning the lottery and having your leg blown off on the same day
I hugely disagree with this.
I never really wanted children. However I had ds1. I wasn't really fussed about the pregnancy but once he arrived everything changed.
I was same as op but dh didn't have children.
I loved it so much I had a second.
As I said everything has changed but its all been good. I've loved it. My boys are in their early 20s and I would do it all over again in the heartbeat.
My favourite stage was the teenage years. Loved it!!!
I still love hearing Dh talking to the boys and hear him say 'your mum said....' or 'your mum was wondering'
Of course I wouldnt have known what I was missing if I didn't have kids but I'm so glad I did.
One ring I will say us that dh threw himself into fatherhood. He supported the night feeds, took the kids out so I could have a break. He did more than his fair share if house work and I mean the proper stuff like cleaning the loo, scrubbing the bathroom, doing the groceries. I had a lot of freedom to go on holiday with my friends even when they were toddlers and I kept up my hobbies.
We worked ( and still do as a team)
It didn't stop me doing what I wanted however it meant a little more planning.
I never understand women who felt they lost their identity. I still go to gigs, still mountain bike, still ski. However the 'kids' ( not kids!) Often join me.
My only regret was that I put it off for so long.

Yeah I didn't get much luck on my first roll of the dice, very unexpectedly had a c section at 28 weeks, was quite traumatised by the pregnancy, birth and the following months on ICU, 12 years later dd is still not a healthy child. I watch other people have happy, healthy babies and love parenthood.. I didn't get that experience, and it's the luck of the draw. I wouldn't roll my dice again now I've got a semi normal life back, as much as I love dd, I didn't love raising a child with chronic illnesses.

Yes it is the most drastic change to your life - your freedom of movement, your time and always putting your needs behind theirs. It is a shock and shakes up every part of your life. Babies and toddlers demand all of your time and attention. Teenagers are even more demanding pushing their and your boundaries as they test and learn on their road to independence.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But it still hit me hard. My marriage broke down but I still managed to be a fun, creative caring Mum and reach the top of my profession. My kids are proud of me. 21 years later I wouldn't change any of it - to be without my DC would be like losing a limb or an organ. I miss nothing of my life before.

Agree with what others have said about raising an atypical child. I was in bed at 8pm last night sobbing for my old life. Obviously not every day is like that and there is still joy and fun but the hard thankless isolating work of raising a child with SEN/illness/disability overshadows it massively.

Having a child has really affected our relationship. We had a really tough ride with infertility, IVF and recurrent miscarriage, which was hard on us but made our relationship stronger.

The joy we felt when I was pregnant was indescribable - the happiest time of my life. DD arrived and wow....it was HARD. She was a tough baby and three years in still not a great sleeper despite getting into a good routine. I felt utterly broken and constantly exhausted. Sleep deprivation made me rage at DH. We never have any time together as a couple, except for an hour or two most evenings when we arrive exhausted on the sofa in joggers and PJs.

But...we got through it. And I’m expecting #2 so we’re prepared to do it again. Possibly insane but there we go!

I do look at beautiful destinations and adventurous holidays and feel like crying when I think that these things are probably out of our lives for a long while.

Family support from parents/grandparents could be a total game changer though - some friends are able to go out all the time and have flexible childcare to do what they want. I suspect the impact on their relationships has been a lot less!

Neither of you seen too keen to have a child. Both dh and I wanted a child. We planned it whilst on honeymoon. I could not imagine life without my dcs, I adore them. I wanted them more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. I have up my social life, career, income and figure. I also have a fear I might have a prolapse because of pregnancy.
I love being a mum. Was quite happy to do 'mumsy' things such as baking, making costumes, joining in with the PTA.
Foreign holidays stopped and spending a week in a caravan on a huge campsite was an eye opener for me.
Staying out late at night stopped, you can't get up at 3am to comfort a screaming baby with a hangover.
It did alter my relationship with dh as we divorced. I changed and he didnt. He still wanted the late nights and drinking so he went out alone or sat sulking.
Everyone is different.
I don't agree with having a baby unless you put the baby first. I have no idea what it feels like to have a baby when you aren't 100% longing for a child so can't help you there.
They do put a strain on your relationship no doubt about it. You have to have a superb husband, and there really aren't that many about, even then it is a huge strain.
All babies scream, all babies are demanding. Even the lovliest of children (and mine really are 😁) stretch your patience. You also have the added stress of a step child and there will be problems with that no matter what you think now. Take a look at the step parenting board as that will give you more of an insight.

Yes the lack of sleep is torture!

I’d also add - what will put a massive strain on any relationship is the women being expected to do it all, become housewife as well as mother and juggling work whilst a DH carries on as if life hadn’t changed at all.

Thankfully my DH is a fully 50:50 parent and we share everything - childcare, chores, the mental load of parenting and running a house. I perhaps even do less domestic stuff than him as my job is more stressful. He’s a rare breed though!

Similar situation for us - I’m 37, have been happily with DH for 10 years. Lucky to have an incredibly good life, plenty of money, beautiful house, fulfilling career.

Have dithered about children for years. I think this last year made us think a bit more about what we want, and I’m now pregnant (still pretty early).

I’m excited, but also nervous and do still get worried that we’ve not made the right decision. Just hoping that any of the negatives will be outweighed by all the positives.

One of the things that I’ve always found interesting is that whenever I ask friends with kids about their experiences they’re very quick to point out the negatives! Is that because the positives are supposed to be a given?

How long have you lived together OP?

I think having a baby changes things massively and depending on so many things the first year can be horrendous if you get a baby who is a poor sleeper and has milk issues.

Having a good support network matters too. Have you discussed the costs? Who would pay for the childcare and so on... it usually is seen as the woman’s responsibility rather than a shared bill 50/50.

I love my dc to death and wouldn't be without them.

But, having a baby is really hard. It's hard to really grasp the relentlessness of it until you have been there. They did not sleep for a long, long time. There needs are first and foremost always, and they occupy my thoughts constantly.

In terms of relationship, for at least a year there was no time or space for dp and my relationship. It was just about surviving and splitting the night waking as best we could. Then several years of working opposite shifts and not seeing each other much. It has made us stronger, and seeing what a good dad dp is makes me love him more. But the dc change things. We both know that we would save the dc before each other in an emergency.

I would say, only have a baby if you are sure you can't live without one, and you are willing to give up much of the rest of your life to it (for some years at least).

Mine are 27, 16 and 13 now and it’s been great. Yes you’re never a priority and you’ll be permanently exhausted, but can’t imagine my life without my kids. I’ve been a mum since I was 16, so that freedom I’m getting now my kids are older has been a long time coming. Still been on lots of amazing holidays, that doesn’t have to stop

Be wary of 'I'll have one if you want one' that's paving the way for making you do all the work and saying 'but you're the one who wanted it.' Which will lead to a difficult few years as you try to get him to take on his share of the work. Also while he gets used to being #3 in your life all of a sudden. Baby comes first. You have to put yourself second to look after your baby properly. DH comes a sorry last. But a lot of women go through this and other hardships and would they turn back time and not have their child? I'd rather die than be without my son.

As others have said, everything changes.

Friends, relationships, points of view, house, career, body, mind. You’re still you but just a different version. I wouldn’t do the baby year again, mine are 6 and 3 and the fact the 3yo takes himself off to the loo and the 6 yo puts himself to bed most nights (with a kiss and a story from us) is fabulous now. I think it was the lack of freedom and autonomous days which got me.

It’s magical though and they are great fun. Wouldn’t change it.