To ask how people who have 1 half as shift worker cope with managing family life

[Sticklebricks444]

Trying to gage if need to be more considerate

My partner does 12 hour shifts for ambulance service (but is based in an office 50% of the time and moans he is bored!)

When he is on shift I do everything related to child and dog, from wake up to bedtime to night wakings etc. He comes home chills and goes to bed for next day. After a run of shifts is too tired to do anything. The evening before a run of shifts he believes he shouldn't have to help with bedtime etc as he needs to chill before work. So I end up doing bedtimes a good 70% of the week.

Ouf Child Attends nursery 2 days a week so DH generally will get a "day off" not having to work or look after child. 50% of weekends I am on my own because he is working. The other weekends we are both off together.

I have flexible hours 4 days around his shifts with my parents helping with the extra days we need childcare. I have child on my own 50% of weekends as his shifts fall on weekends.

I feel I do 90% of the housework, cleaning and thinking mental load. He says if I ask him he will do stuff but has explicity said I will need to ask him because he does not see what needs doing etc.

He spends childs nap times chilling. I spent nap times cleaning/doing stuff. After child has gone to bed he goes on computer or watches telly. I look around and think what needs doing ready for next day or catch up on work where I have had to WFH with child at home

Guess I'm just feeling at the end of my tether and despite talking to him calmly. He doesn't see the issue and feels because he does 12 hour shifts it is balanced and that I don't understand how hard it is to do 12 hour shifts and he is tired.

Yet I rarely get more than 4 or 5 hours unbroken sleep due to toddler isn't a great sleeper. He sleeps in spare room when on shifts and quite often even on days off because he can't cope with the toddler waking alot.

Shift workers - tell me if I need to be more considerate to this pattern of working!?

Thanks

Just to add on his "day off" when child is at nursery and if I'm at work he has recently started doing more then. E.g. food shop or he did a "deep clean" e.g. hoovered and mopped but I generally keep on top of it so it didn't really need doing that day but I know he tried to do stuff.

DH works full time Mon-Fri and is out of the house 6:30am to 6pm.

I work part time nightshifts only 2 nights a week out of the house 6pm to 7:30 am on rotation so no set days

On days I’m working his hours are reduced to facilitate my work.

We rely on each other for childcare as no childminders here or breakfast clubs.

It’s hard.

I come back from work,take them to school and go to sleep. 5 hours of sleep I’m getting on the days I work.

It’s hard.

Shift work sucks but everybody needs a break so we juggle the kids between us.

He needs a break (so do you) and both should pitch in with housework/kids. Impossible to manage for just one person but communication is the key.
We clearly set the expectations so there’s no resentment about something not being done(took us a while to get used to it)

Sounds like a tough situation OP! I've not got much practical advice but I'm sure someone will be a long soon with more!

You say he works 12 hour shifts, how many does he do a week? So how many days not working?
Also how many hours a week do you do?

Presumably he did these shifts before you had your DC, did you both discuss how things would work?

You definitely shouldn't be having to do all of the housework as well as all of the childcare/bedtimes etc. There needs to be more of a balance!
I don't think the balance should be neither of you having a day to relax though, I think it should be that you both have a day "off" which would mean him picking up more of the housework before/after work depending on shifts.

It's hard to say without knowing shift patterns and how many days/hours off you each have but I definitely think a conversation needs to be had about making a plan for going forward

May not be much help but I will say I grew up in a household where DF was a shift worker (police) and the impact on the whole household was HUGE. DM couldn’t really work, as his shifts and childcare didn’t work out. It was a question of always having to be quiet in the house in the daytimes when DF was sleeping (when on nights). We lived in a small semi with three bedrooms and everything revolved around DF really. So I can empathise! In those days the mother kind of did everything domestic though - DF just went out to work.

Thats tough OP, sounds like he could be doing more. I'm a shift worker, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week - mixture of days and nights. I'm exhausted on my first day off but I recover after that. I totally like to rest up the evening before I'm due to go back too! We don't have any kids yet though so I have the luxury of my own time to do what I want when I'm off.

My dh works 12 hour shift, one week 4 days, next week 3 days. Every other weekend working. He does all kids drop off and morning routine because he meet at work at 10 am. I do pick up and the afternoon/evening routine. Om his day off he will do whatever needs doing around the house as well as ofc some chilling. But will do some cleaning, grocery shopping or cooking dinner for the next coming days.. it works for us and we both pinch in.

DH is Police and shifts are difficult as they do mess up family time. Dh has always been hands on with kids though, less so with housework.

He used to work a 5 week rotation, one set was 7 12 hour night shifts in a row. Those I would just write him off.

Shifts also made me working impossible to fit childcare around.

I always did most of the baby stuff as I was very aware DH was driving around on blue lights and needed sleep to be safe. These days he does shifts but is office based, as such he helps a lot more but overwhelming still most things fall to me as I work from home in a 9-5 job now. If he's home he'll always do school runs though.

husband works 5 split shifts a week, leaves the house at 9 but has a break and time to himself in the middle of the day. I work 5 days office hours. on his days off the children are in school but he does the big shop, ironing, dinner and bedtimes. I get to chill as I do it all the other 5 days. He used to be less involved and it took a lot of discussion but now it feels more equal

Thanks everyone - sounds like I just have to accept life is much harder when one of you does shift work. Dont get me wrong some of benefits means we don't need to pay for full time childcare as my job is flexible. My boss is happy for me to work however I need as she knows it won't impact a good service.

To answer a few questions. We did discuss before children but think we were naive in how exhausting it would be to be working/child and not having much downtime. We also I guess didn't anticipate having a bad sleeper. When I was on mat leave it was great as DH could stay in "night mode" and would do a night to let me catch up on sleep and when he was off he would stay up late and I would go to bed so both getting some sleep. Eventually I ended up co sleeping with my little one as I couldn't function on little sleep when DH was on shifts for 4 days especially during lockdown and not having support.

He has a strange rota where for some weeks he works loads and other weeks hardly at all. If my DH is working M-T then I would work M (nursery), Weds (parents), T (nursery) and F (DH off) then we would both be off at the weekend and try to be fair in getting some sleep chill time.

If he is working over a weekend more e.g. T, F, S S then I would work M to Thurs and be off Friday and the weekend but obviously alone with toddler and back to work Monday and he would then get a "day off" Monday as child at nursery. I am going to try where possible during his quiet weeks when he is hardly at work make my day off a M or T when child is at nursery as then we both getting some chill time/able to do stuff around the house without feeling I am managing work or child.

The biggest issue I have is I really want another child. He is a great dad with our child otherwise. I am wondering if maybe I should just have another one soon and accept I have a tough few years ahead and need to get better at asking my parent for support as they keep reminding me! X

We don't have children together and my DD is much older, but my DP is a prison officer and works shifts, including every other weekend on. For us, its nice that I have time to myself on those weekends, and he has time to himself on his days off in the week. I work flexi-time, so sometimes bank a few extra hours and take the afternoon off if he's on an early turn, so we get some time together.

Its works well for us, but i dont know how well it would work if we had small children.

It sounds like you have no time to ‘chill’ at all! Working shifts is hard but so is 24/7 childcare on minimal sleep. I have done both and your set up sounds unfair to me. I think if you say “I am really struggling with the mental load, sleep deprivation and lack of free time, what can we do?”, that will go down better than “step up you lazy bastard!”

My dh does
6am-6pm x2
6pm-6am x2
Then 5.5 days off.

He IS v hands on with the dc. He will put washing on and sometimes dry it. Is quite good at checking the school app and putting stuff in the calender. Takes dc to hobbies. Gets breakfast and school run when he comes home from night shift. Puts 1 dc to bed when he comes home from dayshift. Does reading.

Still shows 0 initiative for food planning and houework. We have a cleaner but he wont think to tidy up if he is at home the day before. Doesnt ever think about what needs to be washed so sometimes my gym clothes arent washed 2 weeks after my last class. Never wipes down the fucking surfce. I need more from him. You certainly need more from your dh.

DH worked away two out of four weeks when dc were small and had a lot of travel when at home.
I had to set up my life so I could parent without him.
I worked part time, had a cleaner, got shopping delivered and didn't expect regular practical help.
It was hard but single mums did all that and earned all the money.

But thinking back while totally useless at housework, if he was around he would always help with dc because he wanted to see them.

I do think your DH should do more parenting when around.

I am a shift worker and I do find it knackering. I can relate to some of what you describe. I definitely do the conserving my energy thing before a shift and sm totally wiped a day after. Likewise, DH doesn't understand.

However, I am getting a bit of the ' I am a man. I work' from your post and I believe it to be very common.

Doing 90% of the housework and night wakings would be more palatable if you didn't work at all but you do. My DH tries to act like this and it's galling. I work fewer hours than him but not by many

If he is willing to do stuff, it's a start and you need to have him take ownership of a few tasks - like shopping and cleaning.

I don't think it's fair to get to do absolutely nothing. If he lived alone, he would have to cook clean and shop for himself and, right now, you are foing the work for 3 people

He does need to do more OP. DH is a shift worker (nurse) and I work full time and we have 3 small children.

It’s knackering and we are constantly tail chasing but we have set things that each of us does then the rest we have to pick up a weare going along (mostly me picking it up) ! It is a conversation we resit regularly !! 🙄🙄

No way answer but we are also constantly asking ‘is this it, shall we sell up and move us all to a tiny cabin mortgage free’ 🤔

You need to divide up the tasks. Eg DH is bins, dog walking in the mornings, I make lunches and dog school/nursery run, cleaning is anyone who is around at the time

I work shift work and Dh works 8-6 mon- Fri
Tbh I find the shift work works really well for our family. I’m there more with the kids as by time my night shift starts I only miss out on 3 hours with the kids before it’s their bedtime. I’m able to collect them from school the day after, do their homework, clean and make dinner- I do this everyday. On the days I’m working a night shift is also have all the above done.
OP your dp could be pulling their weight more around the house and with the kids.
I get my downtime when my kids are in school and it’s bliss! I appreciate that my DH’s only downtime is when the kids go to bed
Also my mum worked shift work and I loved that she was there during the day as well to be with us although I remember she used to be knackered (like myself)
Just to add as well that I applied and now take parental leave (3shifts per month) as felt like I was being pulled too much in all directions with the year that was in it and has been the best decision we’ve made

Can I ask, are all NHS nursing posts shift based. I’m thinking ward/icu rather than nurses working on clinics which run during the day.
Could a nurse work in icu and only do days? Or always shifts?

We are both shift workers on opposite shift patterns and have a baby on the way. Neither of us do very much housework the days we're "on shift", just the basics. But then we make up for it on the days we're not working.

I'm anticipating have a baby will cause a lot more friction around the shift work, but luckily my parents live nearby and are retired so can assist with childcare.

To save time & effort
You could get shopping delivered or do click & collect
Buy non iron clothes

Leave him a note that say do XYZ, so that you share the chores

We both work shifts, sometimes the same, sometimes different

We always have days off, where we go out of the home & do things for leisure. Definitely, not stuck inside doing chores

No point in working 12 hour shifts if can't have some time off to enjoy life !

It is really difficult for both like passing ships. ATT you don't notice the impact I'm seeing it now my job has being shut.
Everyone is calmer.
It's important to arrange time together we rarely did.

My dp works 6am to 6pm Monday to Friday with some early finishes depending on the workload and I work weekend nights 8pm to 8am so during the week I do a majority of stuff with the kids and housework as I'm home however at the weekends the dishes and stuff tend to pile up for Monday as dp prefers to just spend his time with the kids. Yeah sometimes I wish he'd tidy up and stuff but the he works really hard during the week and only really sees the kids at weekends so I don't mind

I work 3 13 hour shifts a week, I have set shifts at work due to childcare so at the most I only ever have 2 days off together. Meaning I don’t have the luxury of being exhausted on my days off because I have to care for my toddler.
DP works 5 days 9-5, DD goes to nursery on 2 of my days at work so DP does drop off and pick up and sorts her out for bed (sometimes she’s in bed when I get home other times she isn’t depending on daytime naps) if she’s up when I get home I do bedtime.
He generally does Most the cooking and shopping , I do all the housework. I absolutely carry the mental load, I make sure dd has clothes put out for nursery otherwise he sends her in nice clothes and they get ruined and I pack her nursery bag. I do bedtime almost always but mainly because she wants me to.
On most my days off he is at work so I don’t get time to myself but neither does he really.
Long shifts are very she’s going but that doesn’t mean you get to switch off from being a parent.
I still get up during the night with DD whether I’m at work or not, we take turns if she’s up a lot.

@mummytothree87 I bet you work harder.
I'd lose my shit if DP let stuff pile up when I'm doing nights.
I don't let it pile up for him.