Who is BU - MiL or me?

[TheRedFox]

DH and his MiL have had a poor relationship for a long time. Unfortunately that has impacted my relationship with my MiL and in spite of trying to build bridges, I know from other family members exactly how she feels about me.

Sadly things have deteriorated even more recently as she has shown minimal interest in my (less than straightforward) pregnancy or our daughter in spite of us trying to do everything we can to build and support that relationship.

I've found it hurtful to have her be so nasty about me behind my back whilst at the same time taking no interest in her granddaughter whilst DH and I put aside adult differences

Having very recently given birth (so entirely possible IABU!), she has, again, created another drama and on the day I gave birth contacted my DH to say how upset she was that she wasn't the first member of the paternal family to be told and essentially, blaming me.

I feel sad that on what is meant to be such a special day, she has once again tried to make it all about her.

That, combined with the fact that she hasn't got in touch with me to say congratulations etc means that sadly I think this is the end of the road for me but totally accept that due to timing etc I may not be seeing things clearly!

Congratulations!

Did she say congratulations to DH?
Who did he tell first if not her? DH told my mum first and PIL second. Siblings were told by our parents.
TBH neither DM or PIL said congratulations and I didn’t feel it necessary. They were excited to see DS and bought a card and gifts for DS when they came to see him, they didn’t walk in & say ‘congratulations’.

Mil is bu

Congratulations!

I'm wondering why she's invested time in working out when everyone else was told compared to her 🤔

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She sounds really horrible and totally self obsessed. I’d try and have as little to do with her as possible. Congratulations on your new baby! 💐💐

... that's longhand for it's her, not you 😉

Congratulations! Well she definitely can't blame you for not telling her first, you've got an excellent alibi. That one is 100% down to DH

Your husband doesn't get on with your mother and that has caused you a problem with his mother?

toocoldforsno
That's how I read it too. I hope op means he doesn't get on with his mother otherwise its a ridiculous tit for tat

Congratulations on the new baby!

In the nicest possible way, why are you making any effort with her at all anymore? Why are you giving her precious headspace?

She doesn't like you. No matter what you do she'll find a rod to beat you. She makes no effort with your first dc but expects to be treated like grandmother of the year/most important person for the new baby. There is no winning or reasoning with someone like this because their actions are based on illogical reasoning and no matter how lovely you are or what you do for her, she'll find a way to twist it to make you the bad guy. Life is too short to spend it tiptoeing around someone else's issues.

I lived with a nasty, toxic FIL for 15 years. I put up with a lot of horrible behaviour directed at me, my family and my dh. However, after a particularly dreadful Christmas with this man I finally snapped. I have been NC with him ever since. And I can honestly say that freeing myself from him, his moods, his spiteful/inappropriate comments, his temper and the constant treading on eggshells around him is utterly freeing. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, the dark cloud of anxiety that had shadowed me for years has lifted and I feel happier than I have for a very long time.

just ignore her.
save your energy for baby.

Tell DH to stop telling you what she is txting.

Your mil is by

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies.

To clarify:

• My MiL / DH's mother so no tit for tat - my mistake

• I told another paternal family member (who we are both very close to) after they contacted me to check all was ok. That person then told her - not ideal but that's what happened

• yes I agree re why do I continue to make the effort which I guess is why I'm asking the question. Ultimately we don't want our poor relationship with her to impact on our daughters' ability to have a relationship with their GM but I am slowly losing my patience and willingness to read carefully here 😂

Thanks all!

She sounds vile, I don't see any reason to keep in contact especially a your DH doesn't like her.

Wholeheartedly tell her to fuck off.
Blame hormones if you absolutely must but she won't ever be happy op... Some people just aren't..
Back away and feel no guilt. And take your squishy baby with you.

Why do you want your daughter to have a relationship with someone like that who doesn’t like you?

@IvysPoison Good for you! I've been no contact with my partner's parents going on for 7 years now (I'll call them FIL and MIL from now for the sake of brevity). FIL disliked me from the start and has never been able to get his head around the concept that I'm a fully grown adult woman who doesn't have to 'obey' him and that his opinions mean less than nothing to me.

My final straw also came at Christmas...I have no family in the UK, and it was the first I was going to spend totally on my own...myself and partner had been together 4 years at that point. My partner was temporarily living with his parents at the time (we are in a LDR due to his work) and decided he would throw me Christmas a weekend early - obviously I made sure before coming down that his parents were okay with me staying etc. I turned up on the Friday evening, his Dad muttered 'hello' at me, shut himself in their bedroom and I didn't see him again for the rest of the weekend! Our bedroom was right next to theirs and I could hear him having very angry 'words' with MIL every morning and night...I left a day early.

It was horrible. I tortured myself for ages afterwards wondering what the hell I'd done wrong...but he just plain doesn't like me, and like you said, nothing is going to change that. I'm now in my early 50s and too old to be crawling to another adult for them to like me. Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have a good relationship with them, but that's very rare.

Good luck OP.

What is this obsession to be first to cuddle a baby? What sort of ridiculous competition is that? In my life you go when you're asked and respect the parents. And offer help if they want it.

Don't do anything.

Ignore her, leave her entirely to DH.

What have you got to gain?

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, just enjoy the newborn days and revel in the love and congratulations that come from friends and family who care and put their joy at the birth before their egos.

Who is telling you all the stuff she is saying behind your back?

All sounds very toxic.

She’s a nasty, selfish, attention seeking twat. Don’t feel bad if it comes to cutting her off op. I don’t know why you want your baby to be involved with her when she treats her own children like shit. I hope she didn’t spoil your first day with your baby x

This baffles me... why do you want your DD to have a relationship with someone so horrible? Someone who backstabs you and doesn't even get on with her own son? What exactly do you think your daughter would be missing out on?

MIL will just carry on being nasty & it will do your DD more harm than good!
As for you, you have done your best, not only to get on with her but to heal the rift between her & DH. You've done your bit.

Now us the time fir YOUR family. DH, you & DD (without toxic MIL).

Congratulations on DD, I want a squish!!

On it's own, I can see how it would be hurtful to find out that your son had had a baby via a third party.

However, it does sound like the relationship is strained already, so I don't think she can treat you both badly, and still expect to be favoured during special moments.

Congratulations.

Just don't bother contacting or speaking to her.

Life's too short to get caught up in the drama of dickheads.

@MrsTophamHat

On it's own, I can see how it would be hurtful to find out that your son had had a baby via a third party.

However, it does sound like the relationship is strained already, so I don't think she can treat you both badly, and still expect to be favoured during special moments.

Oh yes I totally understand how difficult / hurtful that would be. But if you only contact him for the 1st time in months 1 week before the due date (what a coincidence) that do you expect?