To not tell when funeral is

willowswind · 2021-05-11T13:10:11+00:00

I have been divorced for 20+ years and have no contact with ex. We have grown up child who has good relations with him I am still friends with his sister and family but he is estranged from them Recently his sister said that when their mum dies she will not tell my ex or let him know when the funeral is. I'm not sure if she means this and if things would change when it happens but she has asked me to also keep it from him ( in Reality that would mean my daughter keeping it from him as I don't contact him) However if I can't agree to this then she won't tell me or my daughter either Not sure what to do as I don't want my daughter to have to lie to her father but also don't want her to miss out . Any advice would help. Thanks

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2021 14:12

It’s her choice. If you and your adult daughter can’t respect that then tell her not to let you know.

He’s chosen to have no contact. That’s how it works.

VettiyaIruken · 11/05/2021 14:13

What would be his mum's wishes?

BlueVelvetStars · 11/05/2021 14:14

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s her choice. If you and your adult daughter can’t respect that then tell her not to let you know.

He’s chosen to have no contact. That’s how it works.

this

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/05/2021 14:17

It’s really up to the mother who she wants at her funeral? Not the sister. And she shouldn’t be threatening you like that to get her way.

Ponoka7 · 11/05/2021 14:17

I think the Mother has the final say on this. Could your child ask her Grandmother what she wants?

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 14:20

I don't know what the mother's wishes are as to be honest knowing her, she hasn't made any concessions about this as I can't imagine she would want to talk about that but maybe she has said such things to his sister.

The sister has just said to me she will not tell him and doesn't want him to find out until it's all over.

OP posts:

BlueVelvetStars · 11/05/2021 14:25

I am still friends with his sister and family but he is estranged from them

I think perhaps OP needs to be clearer about who 'them' includes, ie does it include his Mother.

To make a better assessment as to whether his Sister is being reasonable or unreasonable.

🌸

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/05/2021 14:28

I’d ask the mother. If she doesn’t want him there and made it clear to the sister, then it’s all fine. But if the sister is making this decision without the knowledge or permission from the mother, then the mother should know this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2021 14:29

The mother will be dead. Funerals are the grieving people still living. It’s up to the sister to make sure the brother who’s chosen to live his life without his mother or sister in it isn’t there to disrupt things and make a painful day even harder.

She wouldn’t have brought it up if she trusted OP to keep it quiet. If the daughter is an adult as OP says she is, she should be perfectly aware of the backstory and able to realise if she’s told something in confidence it has to be respected.

If either OP or DD can’t then the sister has no choice. It’s not a threat. It’s a clear indication of how strongly she feels. That’s fine.

Eastie77 · 11/05/2021 14:30

I would tell your ex SIL that since you are not in contact with your ex you would not be in a position to tell him about the funeral.

However it is unreasonable of her to expect your DD to keep the arrangements secret from her dad and neither of you should place that expectation on your DD.

Banning someone from a funeral is bizarre really. Whose interests are served? The deceased have no idea who is/isn't at their funeral. No need for all this drama.

denverRegina · 11/05/2021 14:31

Well this one is easy. Your daughter asks her Gran what her wishes are

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/05/2021 14:36

The mother will be dead. Funerals are the grieving people still living. It’s up to the sister to make sure the brother who’s chosen to live his life without his mother or sister in it isn’t there to disrupt things and make a painful day even harder.

So people don’t get to decide who can come to their own funeral?! Because they will be dead? Sorry but I do not agree with this. It’s the mothers funeral and it should be according to her final wishes, not what her daughter thinks is more convenient or easier on herself.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/05/2021 14:41

She wouldn’t have brought it up if she trusted OP to keep it quiet. If the daughter is an adult as OP says she is, she should be perfectly aware of the backstory and able to realise if she’s told something in confidence it has to be respected. If either OP or DD can’t then the sister has no choice. It’s not a threat. It’s a clear indication of how strongly she feels. That’s fine.

No it’s not fine because by asking the granddaughter to keep this secret from her father, the sister is engineering a future rift in the family between father and daughter. How would you feel if your own child kept from you your own mothers death and funeral? You’d feel that your child has taken sides against you in a family feud that who knows who started or caused it. The sister will cause future family drama by driving a wedge between father and daughter.

There is no reason why the sister cannot get contact information for the ex and just say, I don’t want you to come to mum’s funeral when she dies. That would be the honourable thing to do instead of engineering a big family secret and purposely driving a wedge between her brother and his daughter.

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 14:47

@PlanDeRaccordement

She wouldn’t have brought it up if she trusted OP to keep it quiet. If the daughter is an adult as OP says she is, she should be perfectly aware of the backstory and able to realise if she’s told something in confidence it has to be respected. If either OP or DD can’t then the sister has no choice. It’s not a threat. It’s a clear indication of how strongly she feels. That’s fine.

No it’s not fine because by asking the granddaughter to keep this secret from her father, the sister is engineering a future rift in the family between father and daughter. How would you feel if your own child kept from you your own mothers death and funeral? You’d feel that your child has taken sides against you in a family feud that who knows who started or caused it. The sister will cause future family drama by driving a wedge between father and daughter.

There is no reason why the sister cannot get contact information for the ex and just say, I don’t want you to come to mum’s funeral when she dies. That would be the honourable thing to do instead of engineering a big family secret and purposely driving a wedge between her brother and his daughter.

This is a bit of my concerns

My ex and his sister have fallen out really with their mum taking the sides of the sister. I don't know most of the details, as like I said I'm not really involved with my ex but my daughter says neither of them will tell her too Much details as they don't want to get her involved and tried to help keep things a neutral relationship so she could have a good relationship with everyone.

I try not to talk about it with his sister but I know that she is very angry with my ex for not trying to bridge the gap and I am concenrbd that she is trying to get my daughter involved in a rift.

I don't really feel the. Need to know or go to the funeral - I would if it was appropriate but I'm mainly I'm worried if I confront the sister then she won't tell my daughter and my daughter won't get to say goodbye but I really do not think she should keep it from her own dad .

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/05/2021 14:55

Yes OP you can’t confront the sister, so let the mother know this is what is going on. You can word it nicely and say that sister has said she doesn’t want her brother to come to her future funeral. And that she has said she plans to not tell him when she dies or when her funeral is and has been pressuring granddaughter to go along with this or be excluded from funeral too.

The mother is the only one that can confront sister on this.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/05/2021 14:55

Is your daughter close with her grandmother?
Tbh, I would respect the sisters wishes. It's up to your daughter what she decides to do. She can tell the sister she wont tell, then choose to do so.

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 15:42

Does it seem like I'm stirring trouble if I go to the mother.

I'm haven't told my daughter all this yet as I wasn't sure what to do. This is all based on a conversation with the sister who knows that I won't be talking to my ex therefore she is aware that it is something she will need To be asking my daughter to do.

I'm uncomfortable keeping the death from ex but like someone said it's not really an issue as we don't speak though I would probably think it would be a time when we would. He came to my mothers funeral to pay respects and I was fine with that.

I'm not keen on having bad blood between him and me or him and my daughter but do value my relationship with his sister .

OP posts:

TwoAndAnOnion · 11/05/2021 15:44

Funerals are public events. Anyone can turn up. The crematorium also posts notices and anyone can phone the council to obtain this information.

I think your ex SIL is very wrong in asking your daughter to lie to her own father. She absolutely has no right to do this. It's manipulative.

What does the not-yet-deceased-mother think about all this rigmarole?

toocoldforsno · 11/05/2021 15:49

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s her choice. If you and your adult daughter can’t respect that then tell her not to let you know.

He’s chosen to have no contact. That’s how it works.

It's not her choice. IF OP's kid wants to tell her father that his mother is dead,, that's her choice, not her aunts. The OP's ex SIL is not in charge of who gets to know, or who turns up at a funeral.

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 15:55

I think what I'm worried about is that it's not just the funeral but also that the mother has died so In theory my daughter won't know that her nan has died until a few weeks after.

OP posts:

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 15:56

And I also suppose that if her Nan got ill as in Dying if we don't agree to keep it secret from my ex then she won't be able to see her nab

OP posts:

giletrouge · 11/05/2021 16:07

Can you point out to her that she's expecting too much from your dd? She may just have not thought through the implications for anyone other than herself (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here).

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 16:27

@giletrouge

Can you point out to her that she's expecting too much from your dd? She may just have not thought through the implications for anyone other than herself (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here).

I think I will ring her now and ask her about it again

OP posts:

giletrouge · 11/05/2021 16:38

👍 Be interested to hear the outcome OP.

Original poster

willowswind · 11/05/2021 16:38

I have managed to speak to her but not for long. She said that she will tell me and my daughter if we agree to keep it quiet. If we can't do that then she will have to exclude us to. I told her that my daughter would be upset about that and that it would be hard for her to lie about things to her dad but she is stubborn and says that's how it has to be. I will talk to my daughter this evening and see what she thinks
I asked if she has talked to my daughters nan about all this but she was quite snappy and said why would she talk to her mum about her dying when it hasn't happened so I'm a bit confused as to when she thinks she will talk to her about it.
She said she is surprised I'm taking my ex's side but I don't see it as to at as I'm only really worried about my daughter and how all this will effect her. I'm hoping I haven't caused trouble

OP posts: