To not tell when funeral is

[willowswind]

I have been divorced for 20+ years and have no contact with ex. We have grown up child who has good relations with him

I am still friends with his sister and family but he is estranged from them

Recently his sister said that when their mum dies she will not tell my ex or let him know when the funeral is. I'm not sure if she means this and if things would change when it happens but she has asked me to also keep it from him ( in Reality that would mean my daughter keeping it from him as I don't contact him)

However if I can't agree to this then she won't tell me or my daughter either

Not sure what to do as I don't want my daughter to have to lie to her father but also don't want her to miss out .

Any advice would help. Thanks

Perhaps get your daughter to speak to her dad about the situation - he may not even want to know anything about her death or funeral. If he does want to be involved in the funeral then it's up to him to start building bridges with his family - now. This is his mess not yours and dd's to have to worry about. Then you can tell SIL that you won't tell dd's dad as it's up to him to build bridges if he wants to be involved.

@Tal45

Perhaps get your daughter to speak to her dad about the situation - he may not even want to know anything about her death or funeral. If he does want to be involved in the funeral then it's up to him to start building bridges with his family - now. This is his mess not yours and dd's to have to worry about. Then you can tell SIL that you won't tell dd's dad as it's up to him to build bridges if he wants to be involved.

This is good advise and I will talk things through with my daughter. I'm upset that she is asking my daughter to pick and chose between her and her own dad but I think that I am going to say it is between them all and to ask to be left out of it all even if that means not going to the funeral. My daughter is 26 and able to deal directly with them and I think I will ask them not to involve me. It's very upsetting and hard because it's a sensitive subject. I feel it's unfair in my ex to not be told but your right that it is not really any of my business so I don't want to play referee. Thanks

Is she being deliberately obtuse? You are not taking your exes side, you're taking your daughter's side! Can she really not see that? Bloody hell.

I’m liking SIL less and less. It’s obvious this is not the mothers wishes and SIL is doing it being her back. Then to accuse you of taking sides against her is horrible.

I agree have your DD tell her dad what is going on. I also think you or your DD should tell the mother what SIL is up to. Ex can’t do it because he’s estranged and SIL can just deny everything and make it look like her brother is causing drama, when it’s really the SIL.

Your daughter is an adult - don't get involved. She can handle this and make the decision for herself when the time comes. There is no need for this to be explored further now or for you to be involved.

It is perfectly possible for your daughter to follow her aunt's wishes and still not lie to her dad. If he asks about the funeral all she has to say is "I've been asked not to talk about that with you - please talk to your sister".

This is nowhere near the drama you are making it.

@DeathStare

Your daughter is an adult - don't get involved. She can handle this and make the decision for herself when the time comes. There is no need for this to be explored further now or for you to be involved.

It is perfectly possible for your daughter to follow her aunt's wishes and still not lie to her dad. If he asks about the funeral all she has to say is "I've been asked not to talk about that with you - please talk to your sister".

This is nowhere near the drama you are making it.

^ This, in spades.

You're manufacturing drama and placing yourself in the centre of it. It's nothing to do with you.

Also, funerals (outside of covid) are open events, anyone can turn up. There isn't a guest list.