"Lol!! [zany face] what are men like" do you put up with this?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I was reading an article earlier via twitter in which a woman had asked her husband to put away the leftovers from dinner. In doing so he put the whole electric rice cooker into the fridge with the remnants of the rice. A lot of people commenting were saying things like "well he did what he was asked" or "I can't see any problem with that." And so forth.

Am I alone in thinking for me this would be grounds for divorce. I mean in that that the 'learned' or 'conscious' incompetence. Why are men, and indeed women putting up with this? They manage very well in their jobs and to go to the pub and maintain knowledge of where their respective football teams are in the league but for whatever reason it's miraculous that for example their baby is still alive after mum leaves for the afternoon and baby is left with father or some such?

There's a viral vid doing the rounds of a guy pushing his tiny kid as hard as he possibly can on a park swinging thing and sending the child flying through the air and loads of "lol, dadz!" comments from women. It's pathetic.

He’s an idiot. She’s an idiot too. It’s depressing.

I put the rice cooker bowl in the fridge today, bit not the whole frigging rice cooker! Yes, sounds like learned helplessness, to ensure the woman does it in future.

@MadeOfStarStuff

YANBU

It’s so irritating, it’s a learned helplessness. They presumably hold down a job with some degree of competence and wouldn’t dream of being so footy at work! Why is it acceptable to be a dick at home?

Same goes for women who play the “silly little woman” act and defer to their husband

It is so bloody endemic. Mine (admittedly was a total mummy’s boy) thought this approach was a good one when we first got married and was shocked when I said do you want to explain to me your hidden disability you haven’t shared with me in the years we’ve been together, because I expected you to be a competent adult and this task is easily within a competent 14yi capacity, so perhaps you should be seeking some medical support?

*:00SkodaKodiaq

Oncemoretwicemore

Ugh, no. I didn't marry someone with two degrees to put up with stupid shit like that.

You could help slipping in the 'two degrees' there, could you?! wink*

It was right there in line one - hardly a stealth boast .
When I met DH his mum would go on about how smart he was, and at the same time about how he could barely change a lightbulb - you see a lot of this on MN too. And I just thought, nope, if we're going to have a long-term relationship, I'm not going to carry on this narrative.

It's interesting isn't it, as there is also the sexist narrative that men should "care and provide" for their family. If that doesn't include feeding the children etc wtf does it mean?
I could not be in the slightest bit attracted to a man that behaved like that.

Honestly, I’d think my DH had had some kind on mental health crisis. It’s just enabling bullshit that makes your own life harder. I’d be desperately unhappy if I had married an idiot or someone who did a really good impression of one 🙄

@pinkstripeycat

My Dh wouldn’t look after the kids without me. People used to say to me “leave them with him, he’ll be forced to look after them.” He wouldn’t feed them but would feed himself and say they weren’t hungry. When the eldest (now 16) was a baby he rang me to come back from work as baby was crying. He couldn’t be bothered to give baby his milk. Now they are older they can feed themselves but even they say how useless he is!

Um....this isn’t at all funny. It’s horrific. The father of your children would happily leave them hungry...,and he’s still your husband? What the actual...?! There’s having a low bar and then there’s this

It's pure fucking laziness. Instead of getting an approppriate storage container for the rice then washing the rice cooker, put the whole lot in the fridge. If the rice cooker breaks, fuck it, she will be the one shopping for a new one. And next time she will do it herself. Result.

I suppose it’s easier to be all “haha what are they like!” than acknowledge you’ve married a passive-aggressive lazy arse who would rather pretend to be stupid than stoop to doing what he sees as your job.

Pregnancy isn't some magical miraculous act. We all know how it works and what causes it.
Plenty of men live without women and manage to adequately take care if themselves and their home.
It's on the women who choose men who can't do these things imo.

He wouldn’t feed them but would feed himself and say they weren’t hungry. When the eldest (now 16) was a baby he rang me to come back from work as baby was crying. He couldn’t be bothered to give baby his milk

Um....I'm not a parent but is that not criminal level neglect?

I wouldn't say anything to another woman saying stuff like that, but I certainly don't join in with that nonsense about my own DH.

I don't openly share stuff about the fact that DH is an equally competent parent in my mums group as I feel like it could come across as bragging. So I just stay quiet while everyone laughs about how men don't hear babies in the night, how men expect a round of applause for washing a dish and so forth. And I don't buy into the idea that 'mum knows best' either so tend to use the word 'parent' instead, as in 'as her parents you know what's best for her' rather than 'as her mum you know best'.

It's all just so bizarre. I don't recognise the bumbling caricature of a useless kidult man running around the house.

I definitely think most women are far less likely to share the examples of amazing parenting/housework from their DHs as a) they don't want to look like they're bragging, b) don't want to make others feel bad, and c) take it for granted as equal partners (as they should) instead of seeing it as something worth mentioning. So all you tend to hear is complaints and how useless men are.

I could talk for days about what an incredible husband and father my DH is, how he's probably a better parent than me, taught me so much about baby care, was instantly more intuitive with our baby than I was, always seems to know what to dress him in for the weather when I'm uncertain, the bond they have and the many times when he's put his own needs last to make sure DS and I are taken care of. I honestly could, I've never known a more fantastic father and it makes me so happy compared to relationships where the mum is expected to be the primary carer and automatically be better at (and do more) childcare just because she grew the baby physically. But I'd never say any of that to friends because what would it achieve? It'd just make them think I'm a dick. I don't mind anonymous posters on MN thinking I'm a dick.

@FrozenCucumberPresse The fact that people think that it's bragging to say you have DH who actually acts like a partner in every sense of the word, tells you a lot about how low women's standards and expectations are though doesn't it?

I’d say something, personally. Gently but firmly. However I do tend to speak my mind on issues that affect women and children, and I just won’t play along with the shitty expectations so many women are taught to have of men. I’m the same with mummy martyrdom and many other things.

So I doubt I’d be invited back to many mum & baby groups.

I hope I’ve taught my daughters well through my actions and my general approach to life and relationships.

@Ninkanink

I’d say something, personally. Gently but firmly. However I do tend to speak my mind on issues that affect women and children, and I just won’t play along with the shitty expectations so many women are taught to have of men. I’m the same with mummy martyrdom and many other things.

So I doubt I’d be invited back to many mum & baby groups.

I hope I’ve taught my daughters well through my actions and my general approach to life and relationships.

It does. At the same time though I can see why it would seem there isn't really a good time to say it. To say it during conversations where others are complaining about their partners seems insensitive and unnecessary. However to be fair I am open about what an amazing father he is. I am frequently gobsmacked when I hear about how friends pretty much singlehandedly raise their babies while the child's other parent resides within the house.

Like I say, I like to avoid a lot of the 'mum knows best' stuff, the idea that mum's word is more valuable than dad's word, because that isn't our experience and I think casting women in the role of being naturally better at childcare is really unhelpful to everyone.

[quote AryaStarkWolf]@FrozenCucumberPresse The fact that people think that it's bragging to say you have DH who actually acts like a partner in every sense of the word, tells you a lot about how low women's standards and expectations are though doesn't it?[/quote]
My husband has no time for men who don't do their fair share and is not averse to saying so, he equally has little time for women who excuse, enable or apologise for their partner's pathetic incompetence and is not averse to saying that either, funnily enough he is never accused of lying or bragging.

A couple of months into the relationship with my now-DH, he had a few people round for wine and cheese one evening. I was there beforehand hanging out and getting ready, and he hoovered his flat and cleaned the bathroom before guests arrived. I knew then that he would be a keeper. I don’t understand women getting into relationships with useless men.

@FrozenCucumberPresse oh I don’t think I’d go on about how fantastic my DH is either. But I’d definitely challenge them on putting up with, expecting it or otherwise enabling their shitty husband/father/partner in life.

Women are constantly told to just put up with shit and I cannot stand it and I won’t collude in it.

I can't stand the "haha awww bless what are men like" responses.
These men managed to function in life before being in a relationship, and they function at work.

Part of excusing it is that some women have very low standards, or they love to feel like they're needed and the house would fall apart without them (see also getting annoyed if a man does chores in a perfectly acceptable way but doesn't load the dishwasher the 'right' way), or both.

DH also has no time for the pathetic man thing, and gets annoyed at the dads as babysitters arguments.

Part of excusing it is that some women have very low standards, or they love to feel like they're needed and the house would fall apart without them (see also getting annoyed if a man does chores in a perfectly acceptable way but doesn't load the dishwasher the 'right' way), or both.

Agree with that. As long as the chores are done and achieve the purpose of them being done what the hell does it matter how they are done.

Part of excusing it is that some women have very low standards, or they love to feel like they're needed and the house would fall apart without them (see also getting annoyed if a man does chores in a perfectly acceptable way but doesn't load the dishwasher the 'right' way), or both.

Agree with that. As long as the chores are done and achieve the purpose of them being done what the hell does it matter how they are done.