Is this nice/weird/inappropriate/patronising?

[beepboop83]

I'll start with caveat that I know there's a reasonable chance I'm going to come off as some sort of holier than thou twat here, but I'm honestly just trying to be a nice person and want opinions on whether I'll come across as a weirdo!

I've been incredibly fortunate during covid that I've been able to work from home throughout so have had no impact on my income - in fact I've saved about 200 quid a month on commuting costs. I'm very mindful of what a fortunate position this puts me in and have been trying to actively spread the joy around a bit, so to speak, by increasing my charity donations, spamming the food bank with stuff every week, supporting local businesses instead of amazon etc. This is where I'm conscious I might sound like a patronising wanker, but I'm just being honest really, I earn a decent amount, have few outgoings (single and child free, small cheap house!) so I'd rather direct my spare cash somewhere useful than buy unnecessary shit that I don't need or just watch my bank balance increase. It helps me sleep at night, ok.

So here's my AIBU... I'm getting my hair cut next week for the first time since early 2020. I absolutely bloody love my hair dresser - I'm shit at getting round to going and get really pointlessly anxious about it, and she's just utterly wonderful and doesn't judge or make me feel bad about it etc. I know this sounds mad, but it makes a big difference to me.

I know she's had a shit year, she's self employed and hasn't been able to work for 12 months, including when they were open over the summer because she was really ill. I don't know her financial circumstances inside out, but I have to assume she's seen an absolutely massive impact on her income throughout 2020.

Because I love her so much and as part of my pay it forward agenda, I'm considering giving her a card next week with a note and a potentially obnoxiously massive tip in it - I usually tip about 10 quid and I'm thinking something like 100 to 200 quid.

My rationale is that if I'd had my hair cut every 6 weeks since march 2020 I'd have spent 100 quid in tips anyway, plus I can afford it, I bloody love her and it might just be a small help and token of appreciation after a shit year.

However, I'm also anxious that she might just think I'm a patronising creep and this might just be a really fucking weird thing to do. For context I'm prob about 5/6 years older than her, so for some reason I feel like this would be easier if I was nice 60 year old lady and she was 22!

What do you wise people think?

I think it's an incredibly kind thing to do & IF you get the tone of the note right, it'll be lovely. 💐

Lovely thing to do. I would think £100 is plenty. She will be touched and won’t accept but you’ll explain how much you value her etc.

I don't think you sound patronising and it's admirible you want to pay things forward but I think it is a bit weird, by all means increase her tip, but by so much would probably just make her feel awkward. I don't think I'd tip more than £30 (unless your having a £300 haircut)

It's certainly a lovely thing to do if you can really afford it. However, I'd be really embarrassed receiving such a large tip.

I'd be inclined to drip feed it by booking more frequent appointments and giving a generous tip each time.

I agree that it’s just a lovely kind thing to do. It’s no different to people carrying on paying their cleaners while they couldn’t come to clean.

I think it's a lovely thing to do but I would put in a little note for her to open after you leave about it being all the accumulated tips she missed over lockdown.

My hairdresser was furloughed on 80% of pay and then was working cash in hand in the side. She had a lovely time. No don't give such a huge tip it would be cringey.

Not weird. Need to get the time of the note right. Also will only avoid being patronising in certain relationships - only you know this.
Don’t use ‘pay it forward’ in note or out of your mouth - that is patronising manufactured label. Instantly makes me think
Something is all a bit calculated and needs a ‘name’ to be heard by everyone.

Agree with what @Hortimulcher888 said - I think they key thing is having a note that explains why that particular amount (it’s X many tips or X many haircuts) - then it seems less like an ostentatious gesture and gives her a clear reason to accept it without embarrassment.

I think it would incredibly thoughtful and most likely well received!

I think in her position I'd rather receive bigger tips, say £20-£30 over the next year or so. It's less awkward for her to accept, and you are saying thank you each time for services she's rendered, which she takes pride in.

I can see where you're coming from with the idea of stored up tips from the last year but that's only looking at it from your position. It might feel more like charity from her point of view.

I think it's a nice thing to do. I'd prob be bright and breezy about it though and imply somehow that you're also tipping the postie, someone who does the garden etc if you feel awkward.

Like pp said about £100-£150 is a nice amount - good for a gift. It's about as much as I'd put into a card for a wedding (normal in my culture before everyone starts on about how crass money in cards at weddings is).

I think your Hairdresser will be thrilled with that and I think it's a lovely gesture, go for it OP and you sound like a really lovely person btw not a twat

@FeelinHappy

I think in her position I'd rather receive bigger tips, say £20-£30 over the next year or so. It's less awkward for her to accept, and you are saying thank you each time for services she's rendered, which she takes pride in.

I can see where you're coming from with the idea of stored up tips from the last year but that's only looking at it from your position. It might feel more like charity from her point of view.

If you do that though over a few appointments it will be harder to go back to a normal rate tip

@Graffitiqueen

My hairdresser was furloughed on 80% of pay and then was working cash in hand in the side. She had a lovely time. No don't give such a huge tip it would be cringey.

^ This. At my hair appoinment last week the lady cutting my hair told me she had spent months on furlough renovating her house.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness. There are plenty of people who have REALLY fallen through the cracks in this period, didn't get furlough etc. £100 would make a huge difference donated to your local food bank or other charity.

I think it’s a bit weird , it doesn’t sound like you actually know her that well and as a pp said most hairdressers have been furloughed and getting 80% , even the self employed ones . I think you’d be better off by going to the hairdressers more often and giving her a £20 tip each time . The £100 would likely be better used by the food bank .

Not sure why graffiti queen thinks what her hairdresser is doing is relevant? Clearly that woman was employed by a salon to be furloughed. OP clearly states her hairdresser is self employed and had a hard time, doesn’t sound like she’s been happily on furlough getting jobs on the side to me!

OP, I think it’s a lovely idea, agree with adding a note explaining!

They were probably on furlough? I think that's far too much. If you usually tip £10 maybe tip £20 and say how much you've missed having your hair done.

Oh gosh yes, I should have clarified that the note wasn't going to be an essay about how incredibly financially fortunate I am and how magnanimous it is of me to offer charitable donations to impoverished service industry workers, more along the lines of 'I think you're ace and really appreciate you, hopefully life is back to normal now and this is just the missed tips from last year as a thank you for being my favourite ever hair dresser.' The card aspect was more so she can open it later and avoid any awkwardness rather than ostentatiously handing over cash in the middle of the salon.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. She def hasn't been milking it as pp mentioned as she wasn't eligible for furlough and was in hospital for ages so couldn't work.

Part of me still thinks it might all be a bit awkward, even though the intentions are kind, so I might just post her it anonymously to the salon. Saves on the potential cringe factor!

My hairdresser was far better off during lockdown as he got a five figure grant from the council and the self employed payments. He’s been able to do his home improvements and buy a new car as well as in effect have a year off work. He absolutely loved it.
I’m not saying yours is in the same position or indeed that would be a reason not to give a massive tip, but she may not have been as badly hit as you’re assuming.

I think if you framed it as you've said - as a gift of the tips she would've had - and said something lighthearted like 'please go and have a slap up dinner on me' or something, then it should be taken in the spirit in which you mean it. Hairdressers like tips and need tips. I think it would be a great thing to do.

Anonymous would be worse. Instead of a tip, I suggest you buy loads and loads of products eg to give away as gifts. Then she makes a profit on sales, without feeling beholden to you

I think it’s awkward and assumptive personally albeit with lovely intentions

I’d be inclined to do something anonymous instead perhaps.

Or, but a gift eg voucher for something she might like. Hard cash is more awkward than a gift, I think

You sound lovely. I think it is a lovely thing to do. It had crossed my mind to do similar, my hair appointment is next week so I think I shall.