Is this nice/weird/inappropriate/patronising?

[beepboop83]

I'll start with caveat that I know there's a reasonable chance I'm going to come off as some sort of holier than thou twat here, but I'm honestly just trying to be a nice person and want opinions on whether I'll come across as a weirdo!

I've been incredibly fortunate during covid that I've been able to work from home throughout so have had no impact on my income - in fact I've saved about 200 quid a month on commuting costs. I'm very mindful of what a fortunate position this puts me in and have been trying to actively spread the joy around a bit, so to speak, by increasing my charity donations, spamming the food bank with stuff every week, supporting local businesses instead of amazon etc. This is where I'm conscious I might sound like a patronising wanker, but I'm just being honest really, I earn a decent amount, have few outgoings (single and child free, small cheap house!) so I'd rather direct my spare cash somewhere useful than buy unnecessary shit that I don't need or just watch my bank balance increase. It helps me sleep at night, ok.

So here's my AIBU... I'm getting my hair cut next week for the first time since early 2020. I absolutely bloody love my hair dresser - I'm shit at getting round to going and get really pointlessly anxious about it, and she's just utterly wonderful and doesn't judge or make me feel bad about it etc. I know this sounds mad, but it makes a big difference to me.

I know she's had a shit year, she's self employed and hasn't been able to work for 12 months, including when they were open over the summer because she was really ill. I don't know her financial circumstances inside out, but I have to assume she's seen an absolutely massive impact on her income throughout 2020.

Because I love her so much and as part of my pay it forward agenda, I'm considering giving her a card next week with a note and a potentially obnoxiously massive tip in it - I usually tip about 10 quid and I'm thinking something like 100 to 200 quid.

My rationale is that if I'd had my hair cut every 6 weeks since march 2020 I'd have spent 100 quid in tips anyway, plus I can afford it, I bloody love her and it might just be a small help and token of appreciation after a shit year.

However, I'm also anxious that she might just think I'm a patronising creep and this might just be a really fucking weird thing to do. For context I'm prob about 5/6 years older than her, so for some reason I feel like this would be easier if I was nice 60 year old lady and she was 22!

What do you wise people think?

When we got haircuts in between lockdowns we paid for the haircut we had, and tipped him the same again to cover the haircut we’d missed. We just handed over the cash and explained it as above. Our hairdresser was really happy with that. I think what you’re suggesting is lovely. Hairdressers are really badly paid at the best of times.

Don't do it anonymously. That's a bit mysterious benefactor. Just give her a slightly larger normal tip than usual don't go overboard.

What you could do is wait until after your hair has been done then go in the next day or something and say how pleased you are with it and here's a card to thank you - 'here's all the tips you've missed out on over the past year when you haven't been able to help my hair look amazing'.
It might seem more like it's caused by your being thrilled with your hair afterwards rather than a planned gift iyswim?

What owls said. Good psychology.

For those saying their hairdressers had a good time on furlough and making money on the side, I know our hair dresser (who we know outside of her job) lost so much money both from being closed and all the expenses in opening up. I couldn’t believe the amount the money the plexiglass alone she had to install cost! Plus only being able to have 2 clients in the shop and all the other restrictions and extra costs. I think the tip is a lovely idea

I think it's lovely too, especially the way you put it in a later post. From someone who has also lost a massive amount of income, it'll be a huge boost and it's also so nice to be that appreciated!

Do it!

I think this is lovely and you don't come across as a twat at all.

For context my business has been closed for most of a year, its a pub in London. We are due to open up on Monday and I'm bricking it. We tried last summer to make a go of it under restrictions and we lost money and had to close. It's been horrific. Really depressing. If a regular did this for us I'd be overwhelmed with gratitude.

I think we all need to get behind small businesses, those that can pass it along. Otherwise the cafes, coffee shops, bars etc that we all loved being available when we want them just aren't going be around.

If I were you, I’d get weekly blow dries for a while as she might be really embarrassed.

My hairdresser sells gift vouchers, so a lot if customers during lockdown bought gift vouchers to be used when salons opened again, but then didn't use them and paid for their appointments again. So the hairdressers got the money they would have had without it being a big awkward gesture iyswim.

So could buy gift vouchers but just never use them, so she gets the money but it's not awkward?

Ignore my typos

I’d be embarrassed to receive such a large tip. It would also make me nervous in future dealings with you - eg should I stay late to fit you in because you gave me all that money a few months ago, etc.

I also think it could come across as patronising (even though I appreciate you’re suggesting it out of kindness).

Why not just up your usual tips a bit and book a few more appointments? That way you can spread your kind gift over a number of occasions and avoid causing any embarrassment or worries.

That sounds lovely. You don't have to write anything particular , just say 'This year has been tough, get yourself something nice'. A gift card would be nice too- but I'm sure cash will be just as gratefully accepted.

I think its nice. As others say, tailor your note. I’d probably go with ‘ this last year without you has been shit, thanks for being the best hairdresser’ rather than focus on their financial impacts.

A sudden £100 in one might seem a bit much, but I as you have been trying to do at least one extra ‘good deed’ per month into my karma balance, either by doing something for someone, buying from a small business, a donation etc

Agree that's very nice of you. Is £10 a normal amount to tip? I didn't realise it was common practice to tip restaurant rates. I normally dig out a couple of coins for mine

Some of this honestly sounds a bit creepy to me. “You are my favourite ever hairdresser!” - really?

It’s kind to overtip for the months you’ve missed but I’d set a limit on it. £30? £50?

It’s a lovely thing to do. Put £100 in a card, write a nice message so you get the tone right and give it to her literally as you leave with no explanation so that she can’t refuse and you get into the embarrassing “I insist!” “No, I insist!” dance.

@Hortimulcher888

I think it's a lovely thing to do but I would put in a little note for her to open after you leave about it being all the accumulated tips she missed over lockdown.

I agree with this, it saves any awkwardness of the back and forth "it's too much I can't accept" and you saying you want her to etc. If she can open it after you've left it will be a lot nicer for her I think

Doesn't sound patronising to me.

Agree if you get the to e right and let them know you want to support them you want to support them because you know they rely on tips which furlough doesn't cover it's great.

I've been lucky enough to have kept my job/ not be furloughed and it isn't at risk (education) and I've paid for coffees etc for my friends on furlough when we've got take outs on walks and just said I'm in a fortunate position to be getting 100% and not just 80% and the stress of redundancy.

She was probably furlough or self employed grant, so actually doing ok over the last year.

If you want to be 'generous ' then rather than a really large tip it would make more sense to get beauty treatments that you wouldn't normally get e.g. hair treatment, nails done, massage, facial etc. Then you are supporting the industry and putting more money into the local community ( and as a bonus put more in as well).

Or you could offer to pay for a haircut for someone else as a raffle prize or in my village local companies are giving rewards to lockdown heroes e.g the lady running the food bank etc

It's a lovely idea but when I tried to generously tip my hairdresser last week, he refused, saying he'd been given a grant from the government as he is self employed so his income hadn't really been affected.

I think it sounds like a lovely idea if she has been unemployed/unable to claim furlough etc.

My hairdresser really lost out due to being self employed etc. Maybe ask her when she's doing your hair how her year has been etc and you can get a feel for whether you give her the tip or not (or reduce it).

I think you should definitely do it. Most self employed people are still worried about money and are trying to build funds in case of a third wave. Those people that say they'd be embarrassed probably haven't faced the financial precipice that many of the self employed have over the past 12 months.

My hairdresser posted on Facebook that a client had given her a tip to cover all the appointments she’d missed over the summer. She was really touched.

I did this- she was pleased.
I just said that I'd already budgeted for the missed cuts etc